When I broach the subject a few hours later after being on the road for half an hour already, Tiffany remains silent for a long time before turning off the radio and sighing deeply.
"Yeah, you're right. Something is bothering me. I just don't know..." She grunts and I see her hands ball into fists from the corner of my eye. "I'm not sure if I'm ready to talk about it."
"Okay," I reply, unsure whether I should push or not. "I just hope you know that whatever it is, I would never judge you. Can I just ask one thing?"
"Sure."
"Did something happen last night that I should know about? Something Dshawn said? Or Yord? Or Shaughna? Or did I do something wrong?"
"No!" she is quick to reassure me. "You didn't do anything wrong, Car. And I think Shaughna and Dshawn are awesome. And Yord..."
When she doesn't say anything else, I can't help but curse. "Shit, Tiff, did he do something to you? Force himself on you? Hurt you?" How could I be so stupid to think I knew for a fact that he was a great guy just because he had helped me out one time. I don't really know Yord, do I? Oh no, why had I left her alone with him in a strange city, when we were out with my friends? I'm a horrible friend.
"Yord was very sweet," Tiffany says, her voice breaking. "Nothing happened. Or well, everything happened, since we had sex, obviously, but nothing bad happened. He's a great guy and he gave me his number and asked me to please call him so he can take me out on a real date. He is everything I should want in a guy."
"But you don't like him." Why does she think that is big deal? They had a one-night stand. Sure, Yord will be disappointed that Tiffany doesn't want more than that, but it's not like one night together is going to leave him heartbroken. "I'm sure he knew what he was getting into, Tiff. He may be younger than you, but he's old enough to know that one-night stands usually don't end up as long-lasting relationships."
Tiffany sighs. "You and Nathan started out just like that, and the two of you are madly in love."
She got me there. "Sure, but that's just one example. Remember that date with Darius I told you about? That was a hell of a lot worse than you not wanting to see Yord again. What's really bothing you, Tiff?" Does she want a relationship so badly?
"When I was with Yord..." Tiffany pauses and turns her face away from me, gazing out the window. "He tried so hard, Car. He pulled out all the stops to please me, but I just didn't seem to get turned on by him the way I should have been."
"So he didn't make you come?" I ask, still unsure why she's so upset. "I've been there, Tiffany, trust me. It took me until Nathan to figure out that just because I don't come apart within seconds, that doesn't mean that there's something wrong with me. And maybe Yord just wasn't good. That happens."
"No, it wasn't him," she says so quietly that I have to strain to hear her. "And he did make me come. Over and over and over again."
Instead of pushing her to go on, I just remain silent until she's ready to explain what the hell she's talking about. If she liked him, he was nice to her, and he managed to give her multiple orgasms... What was wrong with that?
"I felt so bad for him," Tiffany says, leaning her head back and closing her eyes. "He had been trying to get me off for what felt like hours and he was so very patient, even refused to enter me until I reached my peak first. So I... I closed my eyes and thought of someone else."
Oh... yeah, I could see why she'd feel a little guilty. "You fantasized while sleeping with him. Lots of people do that. As long as you didn't scream out someone else's name during sex, I'm sure he doesn't know."
"Caroline, you don't understand," Tiffany says, sounding lost. "Every single time I sleep with someone, I do this. Every. Time. Out on the dance floor, grinding against someone, I get aroused. I really do. Not just with Yord, with other guys too. It's when we get to the sex part when I just don't seem to be able to really get into it until I imagine someone else touching me."
"Every single time?" I repeat. Okay, that is a little strange. "Can I ask who you're thinking of? Is it a celebrity or an ex-boyfriend maybe?"
"I've never..." Tiffany opens her eyes and glances at me with worry in her eyes.
I just wish that we wouldn't be in a moving car with me having to keep my eyes on the road. If we were in my apartment I'd pour her a glass of wine or make her some tea or something and put and arm around her to make her feel better. For now, I just settle for giving her a moment.
"I've never told anyone this," she says softly. "And it's not always the same person I fantasize about. They all have one thing in common though."
"What?" I ask, too curious to remain silent.
"They're all..." Long pause. "They're all girls. Last night it was Shaughna."
Oh. Wow. I did not see that coming. It makes sense though. The blushing around Shaughna... And the intensity she has about her when she talks about her old friend Hillary. And Hillary is gay. Oh wow. I'm certain that there's a side to that story that Tiffany hasn't told me yet.
"Then why don't you go on a date with a girl?" I ask.
Tiffany lets out a surprised squeaky laugh. "Date a girl? I can't just date a girl!"
"Why not?" I ask. "Are your parents super old-fashioned or religious or something?"
"No, no, my parents would be fine with it. They are religious, but they don't have anything against homosexuality. They believe that God wouldn't have made people gay if he thought of it as a sin. I just don't... I don't want to be gay. I just want a dog and a kid and a house with a white-picket fence. I want to whole traditional fairytale."
"You can have all of that with a girl." I had no idea that Tiffany had been walking around with this huge secret weighing her down. It sounded to me like she realized she was gay a long time ago and that she was actively trying not to be.
"I know that!" she bits out. "I just don't want that. I want to get pregnant and have babies. And not from some random sperm donor because the person I love doesn't have a penis. I want kids with the person I love, kids that are half mine and half his. Not half mine and half..."
"So you want to marry someone you don't love?" I press, not believing that she really wants to go through life like that. "To close your eyes and think of a pretty girl every time he touches you? To lay there in bed, thinking about a girl, while your husband impregnates you? Tiffany, a kid doesn't have to be biologically yours to love it. And it doesn't have to be an anonymous sperm donor either. You could ask someone you know and trust to donate, right?"
"I don't want that," she repeats. "I don't want to be gay, Caroline!"
"It doesn't matter what you want," I shoot back at her, getting aggravated. I'm not mad at her, not exactly. I'm just angry that she's denying herself of the life she deserves because she's holding onto the idea that she needs to be straight to be happy. "Do you really think that love is about what you want, Tiffany? Do you think I wanted to fall in love with someone who's way older than I am, who could cause me to lose my job? Someone with a kid and an ex-wife? Of course I didn't!"
"But Nathan is-"
"Yes, Nathan is amazing," I interrupt her. "And he's exactly what I need. But do you really think that if you'd asked me a year ago who my perfect guy was that I would have described Nathan? Hell no! And I'm not the only one, Tiff. Shaughna is in love with my ex-boyfriend. I don't believe for even a second that she and Dshawn planned on starting something. They sure as hell didn't want that, but it happened anyway. My ex Danny fell in love with this girl Emily and she turned out to be gay. I don't believe that either of them wanted that. Shit happens, Tiff. You may not want to be into girls, but you are. Not getting what you want is not something that only happens to lesbians. It happens to everyone. Sometimes, not getting what you want is the best thing for you. I wanted my old life with Danny back, but instead I moved on and found what I really needed: a fresh start, a great new friend, an amazing job and a wonderful man who actually loves me for who I am."
We both remain silent for a long time after my rant. I feel a little bad for yelling at her, but I just hope that I made some sense. I meant what I said. She was never going to be happy with a guy, even one as sweet as Yord.
"How long have you known you're gay?" I ask her when she's still not speaking after ten minutes of horribly uncomfortable silence.
"The first day I met Hillary three years ago," she replies immediately, a smile creeping onto her face in spite of everything. "On my very first day at the school she was the one to greet me and show me around. I knew I loved her the moment I heard her laugh. I'd never been interested in anyone before that. I'd slept with a few guys in college, even dated one for a year, but I'd never truly loved anyone, never wanted to rip someone's clothes off. I'd been fantasizing about girls for a long time, even back in high school, but I always thought that I was just curious or maybe even bisexual. At least if I was bisexual or pansexual or something I could choose to be with a guy and actually want him, love him, be with him the way I want to be with someone. When I met Hillary..."
"You realized that no man would ever make you feel that way," I finish for her. "Did you tell her?"
Tiffany grunted. "She kissed me once. It was the best damn kiss of my entire life."
"Okay..." I'm not sure what to ask first. Did anything else happen? Did Hillary know Tiff was gay too? Did Tiffany have something to do with Hillary leaving the country?
"I told her I was straight and that I just wanted to be friends," Tiffany goes on before I can voice any of the million questions shooting through my mind. "She apologized and we never spoke of it again. A month later, she told me she met someone."
"Gregory's mother, the one with the crazy ex-wife," I realize. "So Hillary doesn't know?"
"No," Tiffany says with a sigh. "We're still friends, even now that she's across the world. She sends me postcards and we text and call each other. She has no idea that I'm in love with her."
"You still...?"
"Yes." Her voice breaks and she wiped away a tear furiously. "You've got no idea how badly I want to stop loving her, Car. I want to just call Yord and go on a date with him and have the whole fairytale with him. Kids, a dog, a house, the whole thing. Instead, I still love Hillary."
"But when you were with Yord, you thought about Shaughna, not Hillary," I can't help but point out. I'm so happy that she's getting all of this off her chest, even if it pains her. She needs to talk to someone and I'm glad that I can be here for it, even if it hurts.
"Just because I love Hill, that doesn't mean I'm blind to other girls' charms," Tiffany says with a small laugh. "Seriously, Car, don't tell me you stopped finding other guys attractive just because you're in love with Nathan?"
"Okay, fair point. So you think Shaughna's hot?"
"Hot as hell," she confirms. "Seriously, she's... Fuck, Car, when she took off her dress and walked around in her underwear... I thought I was going to not just soak my panties but just start dripping all over the floor."
I burst out laughing, surprised at how much like Shaughna she sounds in this moment. Tiffany is normally way more reserved, nowhere near as open and cress as Shaughna, but that comment... Yeah, they are alike in more ways than I thought.
"Don't you dare laugh at me, Caroline Collins!" Tiffany swats my arm. "And don't you dare tell her this!"
"Of course not," I assure her, turning serious once more. "I'd never betray your trust like that. I just think that you should get your cute ass into a gay bar next weekend and finally start kissing girls instead of guys. I'll even go with you if you want me to."
"Next weekend?" she repeats, sounding shocked. "No way, Car. That's not gonna happen. I know you're right that I'm stupid for forcing myself to try to fall for a guy, but just because we had this chat doesn't mean I'll start sucking pussy instead of dick immediately."
"Sucking pussy?" I repeat, grinning. "Is that some kind of gay slang I don't know about?"
"Shut up," she grunts. "What is it then? Eating pussy? I don't care what we call it, I'm just not ready and I'm not sure if I'll ever be."
"Just know that I'm here for you whenever you need me." I don't want to say something cliché like "I don't care you're gay" or "It doesn't matter who you love as long as they make you happy", but I do want her to know that to me, she's still the same person she was before she told me all of this. All I want is for her to be happy.
"I know." She smiles at me and I glance at her to make sure she's okay. "I've actually never told anyone I'm gay. I guess that you're the first person I'm coming out to."
"I've always hated that phrase," I say before checking my rearview mirror and turning left. "Coming out... Out of the closet... It all sounds so stupid to me. In a way, it's ridiculous that it's not just a given that people can fall in love with anyone they want to. I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm straight, but who's to say that there's not some woman on this earth who I could actually fall for? Life would be so much easier if everyone could just stop labeling people and start falling in love with whoever without having to come out to anyone."
I was surprised to feel Tiffany's hand on my knee, squeezing tightly. It didn't feel uncomfortable in any way, just unexpected.
"That's maybe the best thing someone has ever said to me," she whispers, on the verge of crying again. "I wish I could think like that. Might make my life easier."
"You can," I assure her, removing a hand from the steering wheel to put over hers. "You can think whatever the fuck you want to think, Tiff. It may take you a moment to wrap your head around this, but being attracted to women is not the thing that defines you as a person. You're caring and funny and an amazing friend. Being straight is definitely not the most important thing about me, so why the hell should being gay be the most important thing about you?"
"Stop talking," Tiffany said loudly, wiping away tears again. "Everything you say is just making me cry even more. And when we get back to my place, you'd better come in and give me hug, Caroline, because I need one."
Of course, I was more than happy to oblige.