"Hey honey, I was just calling to ask you what you'd like for your birthday." My mom's kind voice fills the room, making me smile. I'm cooking, so I'd put her on speaker phone when her name popped up on my screen. She's between my glass of water and the chopped carrots. Nathan is watching TV in the living room, but he turned down the volume and is carefully keeping quiet, so my mother won't hear him. At the mention of my birthday I see him turn his head in my direction, his expression incredulous. Yeah... I sort of forgot to mention that my birthday is in a few days.
"I don't need anything, Mom," I reply as I run the bell peppers under some water.
"Caroline Belinda Elisabeth Collins," my mother says sternly, "you say that every single year. And then I start yelling at you until you tell me what you want. Do you want to honor that tradition this year or are you finally old enough to just accept that no matter how much you hate birthday, your dad and I are always gonna get you a gift?"
Oh shit. I shouldn't have put her on speaker. Nathan's eyes narrow and he mouths 'hate?' to me, shaking his head. That's a conversation I don't wanted to have with him. Not yet at least.
"Surprise me," I say with a sigh.
Mom grunts. "Well, that's better than refusing to accept a gift, I guess. Okay. I will surprise you. And if you don't like it, you better pretend you do!"
Annoyed, I tell my mother that I need to hang up to cook, before she can say more stuff to embarrass me in front of Nathan. The moment I hang up, he gets up from the couch and comes over, leaning against the dinner table so he can look at me while I ignore him to chop some more vegetables for the stew I'm making.
"Belinda Elisabeth?" he asks, sounding incredulous.
"Grandmas," I explain. Caroline isn't a family name, but my parents wanted to honor both of my grandmothers, so I got stuck with Belinda Elisabeth as my middle names. Could have been worse. I actually like Elisabeth for a girl. If I ever have a little girl, I wouldn't mind calling her that. Lizzie for short. Or Betty. Both are pretty cute.
"When is your birthday?"
I glance up to see his carefully controlled expression, his emerald eyes fixated on my face. "Wednesday."
"And when were you going to tell me?"
I shrug, looking away from him and stirring my stew. I don't like talking about this. I'm not sure if I would have told him, to be honest. Probably not until the day of, when he wouldn't be able to do something special for me. I don't like making a big deal about another year passing by.
"Caroline..." Nathan sighs and moves into the kitchen. He presses against me from behind, his hands on my hips. A sweet kiss gets pressed to my neck and I lean into him with a sigh, enjoying his body against mine.
"Hmmm," I murmur as he keeps kissing my neck, running his tongue over a tender spot.
"Why do you hate your birthday?" he asks when he suddenly stops, his fingers digging slightly into my skin. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"What's so special about getting older? It's just the day I was born," I explain, knowing that he will catch on to the fact that I'm not telling him the whole story. I should just be honest, but I hate talking about this. I hate what happened when I was born. I hate every single thing about my birthday. And I hate that no one respects that.
"What happened when you were born?" Nathan asks, perceptive as ever.
I grunt and pull away from him, putting a lid on the pot and turning the heat down a bit so the food won't burn. This is not a conversation to have in the kitchen. I need to sit down for this. Nathan is a bit confused when I pull him with me to the couch and flop down unceremoniously. He follows my lead and puts a hand on mine, smiling encouragingly.
"It's that bad?" he asks, squeezing gently.
I take a deep breath and decide to just get on with it. It's not like I've never told anyone. My family knows, but that's because they were there when I was born, when it happened. And previous boyfriends know – Jordan, Dshawn, Danny... Shaughna knows, of course. And she does respect the fact that I never feel like celebrating. She usually takes me out dancing the week after, but she never mentions my birthday when she invites me. She's pretty much the only one who never congratulates me.
"I almost killed my mother," I say, the words burning in my mouth as I spit them out. "When I was born, she almost died. And it took her months to get better. So excuse me for not feeling like celebrating that day." I'm sounding rude and mean, but I don't care.
Nathan doesn't say anything. He just grabs me and pulls me into his lap, his arms encircling me so I feel safe and warm against him. For a while, we just sit like that and it feels nice. There's nothing he could say to make me feel better anyway. No one ever knows what to say. Of course I know that I didn't actually try to kill my mother. I was a baby. I know that. And my parents didn't tell me about it, my aunt did. By accident. I overheard my dad and aunt talking about it when I was 12 and I've refused to celebrate my birthday ever since. Mom and Dad have both told me numerous times that it wasn't my fault, that they are happy they had me, that even if she had died they still wouldn't want to change anything, that having me made their lives worth living. All that sweet crap parents say. All my previous boyfriends tried to help me get over it by throwing me a surprise party or buying me ridiculously expensive gifts or whatever. Nothing ever works.
Nathan's hug doesn't change anything either, but it's nice to be held like this. I like this better than any words he could have used.
"I'm dropping off Rose at Elise's Wednesday after school," Nathan says softly, pulling back so he can look at me. "And I'm spending every single minute with you after you get back from work."
"No, you're not." Just when I think he gets it, he ruins it. "That would be doing something special and I don't want my birthday to be any different than any other day."
"I won't buy you anything," he promises, his fingers moving through my hair, twirling a strand around his index finger. "And I won't even mention your birthday. Just let me be there. Not as a gift to you, but as a gift to me. I'm quite happy you were born twenty-five years ago."
"Fine," I grunt. He's not going to let this go and I really don't feel like arguing. I know that if the roles were reversed, I would want to be there for him too. "Just don't expect me to be my usually bubbly self."
"Bubbly?" He chuckles. "You think you're bubbly? Oh, Caroline Belinda Elisabeth Collins, you're a miserable person to be around even on your best days."
I grin and lean in to kiss him, happy that he's not asking questions about this. Maybe I'll tell him everything one day. About overhearing the conversation on my twelfth birthday, about crying myself to sleep for weeks, feeling guilty and sad. About the conversations with my parents. About Mom and Dad fighting when Mom found out that it had been Dad who had accidentally told me. Not now though. Not so close to my birthday. Not when I can just kiss him and forget about all of it for a brief moment.
Nathan pulls back after a while, his eyes dark and stormy. "If you're gonna kiss me like that, your clothes won't be on much longer."
"Good," I reply, already unbuttoning his shirt. "The stew won't be ready to eat for another hour, so we have some time to kill anyways."
"An hour?" he complains lightheartedly. "I'm hungry now!"
I grin and wink at him, feeling bold. "I could give you something else to eat, to tide you over..."
His grin widens and he stand up from the couch, lifting me up and throwing me over his shoulder with ease. My ass is sticking up in the air as my front is hauled over his back. He slaps my ass with his free hand, making me cry out. He carries me into the bedroom and throws me on the bed, undressing swiftly. I hurry to catch up with him, but my shirt gets stuck as I try to pull it off.
"I like you like this," Nathan says with an edge to his voice. I can't see him because my sweater is over my head, but I feel his eyes on me. When I finally manage to take it off, he's still standing by the foot of the bed, taking in my sate of undress with hungry eyes. He's completely naked already and I groan as I see his erect penis twitch slightly.
"Take off your pants," he instructs me.
I reach up to unhook my bra first, but he shakes his head at me.
"Pants, I said."
The commanding tone is turning me on immensely, so I shimmy out of my pants, lifting my hips from the bed as I do. He tells me to lay on by back and he moves closer, his eyes moving over every inch of me before he tells me to take off my bra and panties. When I'm finally naked, he's still just standing there, not touching me, not making any moves to join me. I reach for him, but he smirks and steps back.
"If you do as I say, I promise I'll touch you."
"Nathan, what are you-"
"I want you to touch yourself," he interrupts me.
I shift a little, feeling a bit nervous. We've never done this before. Hell, I've never done this with anyone before. I hardly even touch myself when I'm single. When I got particularly horny I sometimes use my vibrator, but I've always preferred a man's touch to my own. And it's Nathan who turns me on more than anyone, ever. When he's not with me, I just long for him. I don't get myself off. I know he wouldn't mind, but I just don't feel like it. Nothing and no one could ever compare to him anyway.
"Don't overthink it," he breathes, his eyes smoldering. "Put your left hand on your breast and the right one on your thigh. Yes... good girl. Now caress your breast gently, teasing the nipple slightly."
Even though I feel a little ridiculous, I do as he says and I have to admit the look in his eyes is enough to get me aroused. He certainly doesn't seem to find this weird. If anything, he's looking like he wants to devour me whole.
"Your're so fucking beautiful, Caroline. I just want to look at you. I could look at you for days on end if you'd let me." He smirks when he sees my nipples grow hard under his stare. "I guess you don't mind it either, huh? I think you should pinch your nipple now, just the way you like."
My hand it already moving, my fingers pinching hard, causing me to moan slightly. My legs move apart without me consciously deciding open them.
"Yes," Nathan breathes, his gaze swooping down. "Skim your fingers over your lips, lightly. Tease yourself. Don't touch your clit yet. That's mine. You can't touch it."
I don't know why that's hot, but it is. The idea that he's claiming that part of my body makes me even wetter and I run my fingers over myself, doing just as he says even though I want to just dive into my slit and start getting myself off.
Nathan grunts when he hears me moan and he moves to kneel next to the bed, grabbing my hips to pull me to the edge, legs dangling over the side of the bed as he pulls me closer and closer to his face.
"I thought you just wanted to watch," I say slightly breathless, still touching myself.
"I underestimated my self-control," he grunts before flicking his tongue over my wet folds. "You're too damn hot."
I moan when his fingers and tongue start working on me together, pushing me close to the edge within seconds. He groans against me, the vibration moving through my body and causing me to moan even louder. Sometimes it takes forever to get me off, but today I guess I'm easy. He's not using any of his usual tricks and there are no toys, handcuffs or anything else needed to make me come apart.
I'm pleased when Nathan doesn't stop there. He keeps changing his pace, applying pressure and then pulling back. His fingers and tongue take turns on getting me off, sometimes together. It doesn't take long before I'm on my seventh orgasm, screaming and panting. He moves his lips to my thigh, sucking and licking. I just know that he's leaving a mark there. For some reason, that gets me going all over again.
"Nate," I breathe, gasping when he moves one hand over my body to pinch my nipple while he moves his mouth back to my sensitive bud. "Fucking hell, Nathan, you're-" I can't even finish my sentence, interrupting myself with yet another moan.
Just when I'm about to come again, he pulls back and stand up, looking down on me with those emerald eyes that I just can't get enough of.
"I want you to come around me," he says, his voice rough. "I want to feel your walls tighten around me as I bury myself inside of you."
My entire body shivers at his words and even though I'm a trembling mess from being pushed over the edge so many times in such a short amount of time, I am not ready for him to push into me quite yet. I want him inside of me, I really do, but I want him to feel as good as I do before we have sex. Right when he moves to lower himself onto the bed on top of me, I roll to the side so he stumbles and unceremoniously flops onto the empty space beside me.
"Caroline!" he complains, laughing at my expression. "What are you doing?"
He tries to get on top of me again, but I push him off and climb on top instead, straddling him. He opens his mouth to ask me what I'm doing. I cut him off by kissing him, our tongues dancing together. He grinds against me, grunting into our kiss when he feels my wetness against him.
"Caroline," he grunts when he breaks our kiss, "I just want to be inside of you. Now."
"Okay," I agree, slowly moving down his body, a smirk on my lips. "That can be arranged."
His eyes widen when he realizes what I'm getting at. "That not what I m-"
Once again, I cut off his words, this time by closing my lips around his erection. Normally I start out slowly, teasing and licking him, but I'm not that patient today. I take him as deep as I can, enjoying how loudly he's groaning when I flick my tongue over him. He grabs my hair and helps me get into the perfect rhythm. I use one hand to steady myself on the bed and cup his balls with my other hand. He grunts and thrusts up, almost making me gag. Instead of slowing down, I pick up the pace even more, taking him deeper than I ever have before. My gag reflex is less pronounced than usual, probably because I'm too turned on to even really notice it. Even though I've already had seven orgasms, I am ready for another one and the thought of having inside me soon makes me take him deeper and deeper in my mouth.
"Fuck!" Nathan grunts, grabbing my hair harder and yanking slightly, trying to keep me still. "If you don't stop now I'm gonna-"
I flick my tongue over him and move even faster, ignoring the pain from him holding onto my hair to tightly. It's exhilarating to have this much control over him, to drive him as crazy as he always drives me. He tries to pull me away one more time, but his lower region has other ideas. He comes hard, shooting his cum right down my throat with a feral grunt. I keep him inside of me a moment longer, moving up and down until his body stops convulsing. He tugs at my hair softly and I follow his silent command by pulling back and swallowing to empty my mouth. A bit leaks out onto his balls and I lick them clean gently.
"Fucking hell," Nathan breathes, looking at me with wide eyes. "That was..."
I laugh when he doesn't seem to be able to find words. He tries to pull me up so he can hug me, but I stay where I am, moving my tongue up and down his penis until it slowly comes back to life, growing harder with every flick of my tongue. When he's almost fully erect, I slowly move up, making sure that my body is touching his as I do so, dragging my breasts over his skin.
"You..." Nathan kisses me hungrily, biting my lower lip. His hands move over my body until he reaches my ass and he pushed me against him, grunting from the friction that makes him grow ever harder.
I try to position myself so I can let him in, but he flips me onto my back and gets on top. Before I can do so much as blink, he's already inside of me.
"Nathan," I say, trying to stop myself from getting carried away. He feels so good. "Nathan, you forgot the condom."
He pushes into me two more times before my words register and he forces himself to stop moving. He doesn't pull out right away, but stays still inside of me for a moment, catching his breath.
"Nathan-"
"I know," he replies, his eyes boring into mine. "Give me a second."
I laugh at how totally out of control he sounds and the vibrations move through the both of us, making us moan. He pushed further into me, but catches himself with a curse.
"Condom," he grunts before he pulls out. "Right."
As I watch him move to the edge of the bed and rummage through my nightstand, I can't help but think about how much I love him. I haven't allowed that word – love – to pop up in my mind even though I know it's been there for a little while now. It's soon, too soon maybe, but I can't help it. I love him. He's amazing. He's everything I never knew I needed.
"Nathan," I say softly, making him look at me in surprise. My tone is weird, I hear it too. "I think..." No, it's too soon. I can't tell him right now. Not in the middle of having sex with him. He might not feel the same way – hell, he surely doesn't feel the same way yet, it's not even been a month since we made things official – and I just can't face that right now.
"What's wrong?" he asks, laying down next to me. He's got the condom in one hand, still in the wrapper. His other hand moves over me, softly caressing my skin as he locks eyes with me.
"Nothing's wrong, I just..." I take a deep breath and make a decision. I'm not gonna tell him right now, but there is something else I want to say to him. "I think we don't need a condom."
"We-" He frowns. "What do you-"
"My STD test came back negative," I tell him with a little smile. "I'm clean. And you already told me that yours came back clean as well, so..."
"So...?" he repeats, still looking at me strangely.
"I'm on the pill," I remind him, shivering with nerves as I keep on talking. "And since we're both not sleeping with other people, I think that..." Deep breath. "I'm really good about taking the pill. Really good. And I trust you. There's no way you're gonna give me anything. You're faithful. So I think that we can..."
"Caroline," he says with a little smile. "You know I'm fine with using them. The pill is a very safe form of birth control, but as you said, no birth control can ever guaranty one hundred percent that you won't get pregnant. So no, we definitely don't need to use one against STDs because I'm not stupid enough to fuck around and risk losing you. I don't even want to think about anyone else. But I can just put one on, it's no big deal. I know how you feel about all of this and I get it."
He's so sweet. I've truly never met anyone like him. If I had told Danny or Dshawn or anyone else that I was fine without a condom they wouldn't have hesitated. No way. And I can tell that Nathan is impatient even though he's just laying there, holding me. I can feel that he just wants to be inside of me, with or without extra protection. Still, he wants to make sure I'm okay more than he wants to fuck me. And that is exactly why I love him.
"We don't need one," I whisper, afraid that my voice will break if I talk too much. After that horrible experience with Jordan, I never thought I'd be okay with this. Sure, Nathan and I had sex without a condom before, but that was in the heat of the moment, not because I made the conscious decision to put all of my trust and faith in him.
"Are you sure?" he asks again, his voice dark with lust already. "Because I can-"
"Nathan," I grunt, pulling him closer and moving my hand over his penis. "Just get inside of me."
He gets on top of me immediately and tosses the condom aside. His gaze locks with mine as he pushes inside of me ever so slowly. I can see in him eyes that he knows how important this moment is for me. That this means something to me. Instead of taking me hard and fast like I'm sure he wants to, he leans down to kiss me tenderly, grunting when my walls tighten around him in response.
We both try to prolong this moment for as long as we can, kissing and moving slowly, enjoying how he feels inside of me without anything between us. I let the feelings of love I have for him engulf me completely. Even though I'm not expressing myself in words, I feel like he can see it in my eyes, but I don't care.
This isn't just sex. This is making love.