I had never needed a drink so much in my entire life. Tiffany laughed when I poured my second beer down my throat even faster than my first one. The first week had been way harder than I had imagined. The Thompson brothers had exhausted me, little Richard Grayson had puked on me and Gracie's mother had yelled at me because she felt that I didn't grasp just how special her little brat was. I loved the kids, all of them, I really did, and it was great to finally know that I wouldn't have to say goodbye to them so damn soon, but that didn't mean it wasn't hard teaching them. They were testing me because I was new, eager to see if I'd be easy to break.
I wasn't. I really wasn't.
Still, I had spent the entire day sleeping and crying, way past the point of trying to make something of my free Friday. It was a good thing I had plans with Tiffany to get wasted in the only proper bar this tiny town had, drinking my troubles away.
After my third beer, Tiffany urges me to slow down.
"I know I said that we should get shit-faced," she whispers, moving closer to me so no one would hear us, "but this is a bar, Caroline. Parents could be here or walk in any minute. Parents drink too, you know. They could see their kids' brand-new teacher drunk as a skunk and you'd lose their respect before you even had a chance to truly gain it."
She's right, of course, so I move on to water and soda. I notice Tiffany doesn't drink anything after her second glass of wine, so even though she is a more established teacher than I am, she must still be worried about someone judging her for getting drunk. I had never worried about that before, partly because I had only been a temp, but mostly because I'd never lived in a town this small. Most of the schools I had worked at hadn't even been close to the bars I hung out in. I can't remember ever seeing a parent, but that might have something to do with me being too drunk to notice, although I doubt that. I like a nice buzz, but I hardly ever get drunk. When I did though... Yeah, I had done some stupid things, most of them involving guys.
Tiffany's friends are nice and they try to make me feel included. One of the guys even asks me to dance a few times, which I do, but there is nothing but friendliness between us. I'm not looking for anything other than a friend anyway. I don't want a relationship, not when I am focused on getting the hang of this new job, and my need for sex has been satisfied for the foreseeable future by Nathan. I try not to think of him, because I get wet and breathless whenever I do.
At the end of the night, Tiffany and I are definitely the only ones in the bar who are not drunk. The guy I danced with earlier is not all friendliness anymore, and I actually have to push him away from me at one point. He's not solely focused on me though, I am only one of the many girls he's drooling over. Way to make me feel special, dude.
Tiffany lives only three blocks from my place, so we decide to head over to her place and drink a bottle of wine without having to worry about who sees us. When we're sitting on her couch, I decide to ask her why is so worried about parents seeing her drinking and a little out of control.
"Did no one tell you about why Hillary really left?" She sighs when she realizes I don't have a clue. "You know that there is a policy at our school that says you can't date the parents of a student, right? They can't fire you on the spot, but life will get pretty hard if anyone finds out and if the headmaster finds a way to get rid of you, he will. Trust me."
"Okay, no dating the parents of any of my students," I promise with a smile. Not a hard promise to make, judging by the fact that it was mostly mothers dropping their kids off at school. The few dads I've seen aren't exactly the sort of guys I will ever go for. Besides, most fathers are at least ten years older than I am and I don't have thing for older guys. Well, there's Nathan, but that is different. And that wasn't planned. Plus, that's over.
"Hillary didn't get the memo, apparently," Tiffany goes on, sipping her wine. "She was dating the mother of one of her students and came clean about it last school year after Christmas. The other parents started complaining that she was favoring the boy. The ex-wife was pretty bitter as well."
"Oh wow." I pour myself some more wine. "That sucks."
"That's not the worst part." Tiffany's eyes are glazed over like she's reliving it all. "Me and Hillary were pretty tight, you know. She came to the bar every Friday and we sat on this couch so many times, taking about everything." She holds up her glass and smiles. "Too bad she moved away."
"What's the worst part?" I'm getting curious.
"They broke up over the summer because of all the pressure and Hillary's ex – the boy's mother – started filing official complaints every single day from the moment the school year started in September, saying that Hillary was being nasty to her son. It was bullshit. Such crap. Total lies. I was there, I worked closely with Hillary every single day. She was always kind to every single kid. Hillary finally had enough. She wanted to travel anyway, so when the ex-wife started stalking her on top of everything, she just packed up her things, sold her house and hopped on a plane. She told the school she was leaving by e-mail. That's why we needed someone soon. That's how you ended up here."
"Wow." I can't imagine something like that happening to me. It sucks for Hillary, though.
"Yeah," she agrees. "So, I hope you're not gay and planning on dating Gregory's mother."
"I have no idea who Gregory is and I am not gay, so no problem there." I shake my head. "Is that why you're so careful?"
"I just don't want people gossiping about me. I can enjoy myself and find a boyfriend one day without being the talk of the town."
"Yeah, it's a tiny little town."
Tiffany smacks my arms and laughs. "It's not that small! You just think it is because you're from a big-ass city. Not everyone knows each other here. I mean, yeah, I know a lot of people, but it's not like like Gilmore Girls or anything. When I take a stroll around time, I always see faces of people I don't know. This is not some hillbilly incest town."
"Gilmore Girls!" I exclaim, ignoring everything else she just said. "I love that show."
We stay up for a long time, discovering we watch a lot of the same shows. Eventually, around three o'clock, I finally walk home, very tipsy. I check my phone while I walk, frowning when I see a message from my ex Danny.
I miss you, it says.
I scoff and put my phone back in my pocket, not even bothering to answer. I may be a little drunk, but not drunk enough to want Danny again. I'm definitely never going down that path again.
***
Nathan's hands move over my body, his touch so soft that it is just caress, but it's enough to light a fire in me, setting my skin ablaze. I moan and grab his hands, pushing them down, urging him to move where I need him most.
"Good things come to those who wait," he murmurs in my ear. "Always so impatient, Caroline."
I gasp when he complies anyway, one of his fingers sliding inside of me and curling in the perfect angle.
"Beautiful," Nathan says, his green eyes never moving away from my face. "A gift from God. You are the most-"
A loud ringing replaces his voice and I am startled out of my dream, panting like I'm coming up for air for the first time in hours. Fucking hell, who is calling me? My head is pounding from all those glasses of wine with Tiffany and my panties are soaked, images of Nathan's naked body still on my mind.
I groan when I see who's calling me.
"Goddamned, Danny, stop calling me!" I say when I pick up. "Stop texting me. Just stop."
"Car..." His voice is soft and kind, reminding me of all the good times we had. "I miss you like hell. I just want to talk."
"Why do you miss me now? We haven't been on speaking terms for months. You have a girlfriend. Why do you suddenly want to talk?"
"Emily left me."
Oh. Well, that explains his sudden nostalgia.
"That sucks, Dan, it really does, but that's not my problem. You have friends. Call them." I know I'm being a bitch, but I need to be. I cannot let him suck me back into that black hole. I lost myself in our relationship and it wasn't even a good relationship. I was heartbroken when I finally left him, knowing I had no other choice. If I don't tell him to fuck off now, I risk getting hurt again and I'm not up for that. I'm finally doing well.
He sighs and despite everything, I hate how sad he sounds. There was a point in time when he was the most important person in my life. He was there for me when my aunt died, he supported me financially when I was struggling to find a job and he always did everything he could to get along with my family and friends. I don't want him to hurt, but I also know I'm not the right person to make him feel better.
"Dan..." The bitch in me is gone, at least for the moment. It's hard to stop caring about someone you once loved. I dated two guys before him, but Danny was the first guy I actually moved in with. He was there for me. He wasn't perfect, but he also wasn't horrible. He was just a guy, in the end. A guy I'd loved for a long time.
"Car..." He replies, a smile in his voice. "How's your new job?"
"Good," I say. "Tough first week, but I'm getting the hang of it."
"You're killing it, I'm sure." He sounds proud, even after the year we've had. "Car... Why did you leave me? We were so happy. Why did you stop loving me?"
I grunt and pinch my nose between my fingers. I am too hungover for this. "Dan, we've been over this. You told me that I was broken and you kissed another girl. I'm pretty sure that leaving you was the right move for me. For both of us."
"We could've worked through it," he insists. "We still could. I could move too. New town, fresh start."
"No!" My voice almost breaks. There was no way in hell he was coming here. To my town. "This is my fresh start, Dan. Not yours. You can't fix Emily leaving you by fleeing."
"You did," he shoots back. "Everyone says you moved because you couldn't handle seeing me with Emily."
"That's not why." Okay, it was part of the reason, but not the main one, and Danny didn't need to know that. It was just hard to see how soon he moved onto someone new and had her taking my place in his apartment, in his life, in his heart. He had the apartment, the relationship, the job. He had everything. And there I'd been, still at my parents' house, hopping from temporary teaching job to yet another temp job. At least here I have a steady job, my own place and no ex to run into.
"I'd love to come see your new place," Danny says hopeful.
"No," I say quickly. "Just let me move on, Dan. Please. Call Emily, get her back. It's too late to fix things with me, but maybe you've still got a chance with her."
"She's gay," he replies, shutting me right up. "So unless my dick falls off and I magically grow boobs, I'm pretty sure that ship has sailed."
"Oh. That sucks." I know my response isn't great, but I don't know what else to say.
"What am I doing wrong?" He sounds so desolate that I almost wish I am there instead of here, just so I can hug him. "I never seemed to be able to get you off, always failing to please you. And when I find a girl who does come easily, it turns out that's only because she's fantasizing about girls the whole time."
"Nothing is wrong with you, Dan. Emily being gay is not something you can do anything about. And I... I just like... other things."
"Other things?" he repeats. "What other things?"
Fucking hell, why did I say that? "Never mind," I tell him, hoping he will let it go.
"No, I want to know."
I remain silent, so he starts guessing.
"But stuff?"
"No. Danny, let it go."
"A vibrator? No, we tried that... Did you want to call me daddy or something?"
I laugh without humor. "No, Danny. Definitely not."
"Please tell me it's not something with pee or shit."
"Hell no!" I exclaim. "Gross!"
"You're gay too?"
"No."
"Threesomes?"
"No."
"Voyeurism?"
"Is that when you get off on someone watching you or when you like to watch others? Not that it matters," I say quickly. "No to both."
"Do you need to watch porn while you do it?"
"No!"
"Is it a certain position or something? I think we tried all of them, didn't we?"
"Danny, let it go. I shouldn't have said anything."
"You always liked biting, didn't you?" he recalls. "Emily was appalled when I tried that on her. She's convinced you have a vampire fetish."
"I do not get off on someone pretending to be a vampire." What the fuck? Is that a thing? I mean, yeah, I like biting, but that has nothing to do with vampires.
"Then why do you like it?"
I'm fed up with him now. "I don't know, Dan. Why did you like it when I put a finger up your butt when we fucked? Did I judge you for that or ever complain about it? Did I ask you if you have fetish? No. I just did it because I loved you and I wanted you to scream out in ecstasy. Who gives a crap what does that for me? You never did, that's for sure."
"I tried!" he shouts. "I tried and tried, but nothing was good enough for little miss frigid. If you knew what you wanted, why didn't you just tell me?"
"Because I didn't know!" I exclaim. My inner bitch is definitely back. "And the one thing that got me going weirded you out. I remember the way you looked at me when I asked you to bite my inner thigh, Danny. How was I supposed to be honest with you after you made me feel like a freak?"
"Oh. My. God." He gasps. "Why didn't I realize this earlier. You get off on pain, don't you? Oh God. I remember how horny you were that time you binged those Fifty Shades books. I didn't realize you wanted me to beat you and tie you up. Oh God, Car!"
Even now, he sounds like he thinks I'm a freak of nature. Like he still believes I'm broken. Damaged goods. It's not like that – is it? A lot of women surely fantasize about being tied up and blindfolded, right? And wanting a man to bite you, hit you, choke you... That's not that uncommon, right?
"Oh, Car." Danny sounds sad. "Did someone hurt you?"
"What?" How did he get there? "No, no one hurt me."
"Did someone... beat you?"
"Stop it, Danny, I'm fine. Nothing happened to me. I'm done discussing this with you. Don't call me again." I hang up, breathing hard. What the hell just happened? I feel weird about Danny now having a pretty good idea of what I am into. Somehow, this feels more intimate than sleeping with him ever did. I just pray he won't run around telling everyone he knows. Even if I'm not a freak, this is not something I want anyone to know.
Part of me wants to call Nathan to talk about this, because he's the only one who knows, but we agreed that we were over. Besides, he has his daughter this week. He doesn't want a random girl he slept with calling him to talk about sex while he's playing with his kid. God, I'm messed up.
I'd love to go back to sleep, but I know that won't happen, so I get up, heart racing and head throbbing. I spent the day preparing for the lessons I have to give next week, putting together assignments, looking for clips on YouTube to show the kids to get them excited about that the history subject they need to do a presentation about and scheduling my first few parent-teacher conferences. The other teachers don't have any until next month, but since I'm new I want to get to know the parents and make sure I have all the information I need about the kids. I'm definitely starting with the parents of the Thompson brothers.
My private life may be a mess, but my professional life doesn't have to suffer because of it.