"No way!" I exclaimed.
I must be drunk. Really. There's no other answer to why I am shouting and laughing as we play chess now. May bonfire sa unahan namin, may mga beer in can na nag-kalat.
"Checkmate, doc!"
Napatingin ako sa kanya. Nakangiti habang tumutungga sa beer na hawak hawak. Magulo na ang buhok niya dahil sa hangin. And he looks happy, and I am happy.
"So, spill the tea."
Napatawa ako habang naiiling. Nag-iisip ng pwede kong aminin. Actually kanina pa kami nag-lalaro ng chess but with a twist. Kada talo mag-sasabi ng sikreto. Nakakainis lang kasi naka tatlong talo na ako habang isa pa lang siya! It must be the alcohol.. magaling ako sa chess! Argh. I really hate losing over this dude!
"My secrets were all out."
"Ha! Can't fool me."
I rolled my eyes at him. Nakakainis! Hindi ko alam kung magandang idea ba na sabihin sa kanya yong pinaka kinakahiya kong sikreto.. pero yon nalang talaga ang naiisip ko! Nilagay ko sa likod ng tenga ko ang ilang strand ng buhok ko na kumawala sa pagkaka-ipit bago bumuntong hinga.
"I'll never talk to you again kapag may ibang nakaalam." I warned.
Tumawa siya bago tumango.
"My first crush was.." sinasadya kong bitinin. I wanted to see his reaction. Suddenly, he became more alert. Mas napatuwid siya ng upo. I smiled inwardly. What will he say after I tell him the name?
"Who?"
"Cyclone."
Silence.
It was a minute of silence before drinking his beer to its last drop. His brows furrowed as his laryngeal prominence moving sexily with every gulp. His hair's dancing with the air. He's really hot.
I wanted to laugh at his reaction so I did. Tinapon niya yong can sa gilid bago tumingin sakin at umiling. Hindi makapaniwala sa inamin ko. Duh! Kahit ako hindi matanggap na si Cyclone talaga ang first crush ko. Kaya nga sa tuwing titingin ako kay Cy naaasiwa nalang ako sa old self ko. I mean, duh, nong naging mag-kaibigan kami hindi ko talaga natanggap na nagustuhan ko siya for one whole grading!
"When?"
"Grade three."
"Grade three? Why?"
"He gave me chocolates back then!"
Mas kumunot yong noo niya bago maang na napatawa. Parang hindi makapaniwala sa narinig. Duh, what does he expect? Elementary palang kami that time and any little gesture makes a girl's heart flutter. Kids just appreciate everything. That's how pure children are.
"I was the one who gave you chocolates." He said pointing at himself.
My right brow shot up, "No. I am positive it was Cyclone."
"Inabot lang niya sayo pero ako ang nagpa-bigay."
"You're kidding me.."
"No." he chuckles, shaking his head. "So kung nalaman mo na ako nagpaigay ako dapat ang first crush mo?"
I frowned, reminiscing our grade school days. "No."
"Why?"
"Because you were my competitor. I really hated you."
Nilagay niya ang kamay niya sa dibdib niya, umaaktong nasasaktan. Baliw!
"So crush mo na ako nong grade three?" I asked, stifling a smile.
"Lima kayo na crush ko non."
"The hell?!"
He laughed out loud at my reaction! Omg! Totoo ba?! Don't tell me pati noong high-school madami kami?!
Nagpapahid na siya ng luha sa kakatawa habang sinusubukan ko ulit kumalma.
"So pang-ilan ako sa crush mo?" I tried asking as nonchalant as I could.
Hindi pa siya tapos pero tumawa na naman siya then he puts his hand on his chin, acting like he was thinking just to tease me. I rolled my eyes na ikinalawak ng ngiti niya.
"Well, you're last on my list."
What the hell?! So ano ako last choice? Kapag absent yong apat ako yong titignan niya? Don't tell me yong chocolate na natanggap ko ay natanggap din nong apat at mas madami pa? Omg Chandrella, you're crazy!
Why am I making such a big fuss over this?!
"Did all those girls receive the same chocolate as I did?" I asked, my right brow arched.
He smiled softly like he suddenly remembers something. "No. I don't exactly remember everything but I am sure ikaw lang ang binigyan ko ng kisses."
I shrugged after hearing that. I'll stop making a fuss over it na since super tagal na din noon and I am acting childish!
I heaved a sigh as I empty the beer. We already stopped playing. Parehas nalang kami nakatanaw sa dagat.
"So is Cyclone your first love?"
Napatingin ako sa kanya saglit bago umiling at muling tumingin sa madilim na dagat. Pinapakinggan ang maliliit na hampas ng alon.
"No. It's Peter."
"Peter?"
"My dog," I answered smiling widely, remembering Peter. Narinig ko siyang napatawa kaya napabalik ang tingin ko sa kanya. "Why? Bawal bang first love ang pets?"
"Tao kasi. Pero pede naman.. but we're talking about people."
I shrugged, "Peter filled me, see. He knows everything, he's my first bestfriend. He was always there. He made me feel I am not alone. He loved me and I felt it..then he died. I locked myself up inside my room for one whole week. I just can't accept it na the only living thing who made me feel how great it is when you have someone just.. disappeared forever." I smiled sadly, "He took up the role of the people who should be teaching me what love is."
Lasing na talaga ako, hindi ako mago-open ng ganito kung walang tama ng alak.. tska siguro kasi sobrang gaan na ng loob ko sa kanya. Na parang okay lang i-share kahit maliit na parte lang ng sarili ko.
Tumingin ako sa kanya. He's just looking at me so I smiled assuring him, "Don't worry. It wasn't a sad story and I really don't need comforting words." Then I chuckle.
"It's a tough childhood, huh."
"Yeah, I think so but it made me strong.. and I may not say it out loud lagi but I am still blessed kasi my parents loves us kahit wala silang time for us, I know they love us kahit nong teenager ko lang na-realize.. and we have Lola who's too loving! And I have five siblings who always back each other up."
I smiled at him as he smiled warmly, brushing the strands of his hair up. And now, you are here with me. I wanted to add, but I don't know if he's someone to stay. I don't want to set my hopes too high.
But I am glad he's here in present.
"And I realize after he died, we really don't need someone to save us, sometimes all we have to do is to stand on our own feet and find the light."
"You already found the light?"
"I'm almost there.." I shrugged. I cleared my throat as I closed my eyes, feeling the warmth of the fire coming from the bonfire we made. "Ikaw.. who's your first love?"
Minulat ko ang mga mata ko at tumingin sa kanya. Nakatanaw siya sa dagat habang may maliit na ngiti sa mga labi. "Hindi ko alam.. pero kapag tinitignan ko si Barb dati, masaya na ako."
Si Barbara?
"Akala ko hindi mo siya minahal romantically?"
"She's my first love. I was seven when I felt it. Pero hindi din nag-tagal. Madami akong ibang nagugustuhan.." malungkot siyang ngumiti..
"Pero?"
"Pero bumabalik sa kanya," then he laughed humorlessly, "But I always know we're better off as friends. So third year high-school I started focusing my attention to other girls."
"And your love for her changed?"
Tumingin siya sakin, may kislap ang mga mata. Hindi ko alam kung para kanino yong saya sa mata niya. Hindi ko din alam bakit medyo mabigat sa pakiramdam malaman yon. He denied it too many times pero ngayon aamin siya bigla.. I don't know what to feel..
Pero tapos na dba? Wala na? Ako na. Kasi kung meron pa, dapat hindi ako ang kasama niya.
"I wouldn't be here if it didn't."
I rolled my eyes na kinatawa niya. Tumayo siya at lumakad palapit sakin habang napapagpag ng shorts. Inabot niya sakin ang kamay niya. Tumingin ako doon ng ilang segundo bago ko tinanggap at tumayo. Kaharap siya.
His hands were warm, the kind of warmth I wanted. If I were to choose between the bonfire and his hands, I'll choose this. Always.
"And we both know first love wasn't for us. It never lasts." He whispered as he lean to plant a long kiss on my temple. "She's in my present, she will always be but she's not my girl. She will never be."
Then why does it sound like he's convincing himself rather than reassuring me?
**
"Chandy wake up.."
I pulled the blanket to cover my face as I tried to sleep a little more. We stayed up hanggang 11pm bago nag-desisyon na matulog. Bumili kami kahapon sa souvenir shop ng extra shirt and shorts even bikini for my undies. As for him, ready naman siya kasi may dala siya. I am really not prepared for overnight date like this, all thanks to the shop na nag-provide ng mga necessities.
"Hey, wake up."
Argh. Bakit ba nasa loob siya ng tent ko? Magkahiwalay kami ng tinulugan of course! Kinapa ko ang side ko para kunin ang phone at tignan ang oras. Shit.4:55 am palang.
"Five minutes.." I moaned.
"Malapit na mag-sunset."
Can I tell him I prefer sleep over sunset? I grunted bago umupo at nag-kusot ng mata. When I faced him, nakangiti lang siyang nanonood sakin. I yawned as I brush my hair using my fingers. "Antok pa ako."
"I prepared coffee."
I heaved a sigh bago inayos yong blanket at lumabas kasama siya. Pagkalabas namin nag tooth brush muna ako sa loob ng resort bago ulit lumabas, may bonfire na ulit. May dalawang tasa ng kape sa may blanket na nasa buhanginan.
A for effort talaga siya sa date na'to.
Lumakad ako papunta sa blanket at naupo, tinitikman ang kape na timpla niya. It's black coffee. This is what I prefer. Umupo nadin siya sa tabi ko. Walang masyadong espasyo sa pagitan namin kaya nararamdaman ko ang init na nanggagaling sa katawan niya.
"Mainitin katawan mo no?"
His eyes widened. Napakurap kurap pa siya. I frowned, may masama ba akong sinabe?
"W—what?"
"Katawan mo. Mainit lagi."
He coughed before looking away, bigla tuloy akong napatawa dahil sa reaksyon niya! Oh my guard! Is he thinking--?! He's such a perv! "What are you thinking?!"
"I—ikaw.. what do you mean?"
"Omg! Literal kasi! Duh! You have the same body temperature ni Ansel. Ano ngang tawag don? Balat kalabaw?"
Bigla siyang napatawa na parang napahiya. Well, napahiya talaga siya! Umagang umaga ang dumi ng utak, to think na hindi naman tunog double meaning yong sinabe ko. Sobrang lawak lang siguro ng imagination neto!
"Stop laughing," sita niya pero napapatawa din naman.
I cleared my throat before facing the ocean. "Why? Are you hard?"
"Chandy!"
I laughed as I sipped on my coffee. Geez, may hang-over pa siguro ako? Because clearly I wouldn't be teasing him if I am sober. But I am already sober!
Napatingin ako sa kanya. His eyes were soft as he stares down at me. Sometimes I have doubts about him.. but everytime he's looking at me like that? Biglang nawawala lahat ng iniisip ko.
Bumalik ang tingin ko sa dagat, the sun's starting to rise.
"Good morning, Doc."
"Good morning, Attorney."
We both smiled. Is it normal to have our favorite morning? Because this will be mine.
**
"Am I correct?"
He smirked as he nodded, I groaned as I reached for my coffee. We're in SB again. Kaming dalawa lang. He's reviewing me for Clin Ep, in return nire-review ko siya sa Civil Procedure. I even asked my cousin since nasa second year law school din siya so I can really help him in reviewing.
This became our routine, mahirap kasi naghahalo halo sa utak ko minsan pero keri naman. After talking about our day, kumakain lang kami sa fast food or sa kung saang coffee shop para mag-aral naman after.
Second year second sem is actually fun for me. More on physical work na talaga. Handling actual patients but it is Hell sem padin. I barely have time to eat and Hurricane's like a constant alarm slash reminder to have my lunch.. hindi ko nalang sinasabe sa kanya na wala na akong time kumain kasi once pinuntahan talaga niya ako sa hospital nang malaman niya!
I hate lying but I don't want to burden him more, sobrang crucial din ng sem nila. Kada mababasa ko ang mga inaaral niya napapahanga nalang talaga ako. Kudos sa lahat ng law student.
"You should sleep now, Cha." He said as he looked at his watch.
Right. Wala na akong tulog madalas, nakakabawi naman si Hurricane since tanghali pa ang pasok niya pero halos wala na akong tulog kaya pipilitin na niya laging matulog ako by 12. Nagalit lang kasi ako nong pinilit niya na umuwi na kami by 10 last time.
"I can't feel my head." I mumbled.
"Come, I'll take you to your condo."
Hindi na ako nag-matigas pa at tumayo nalang. He's already fixing my things, I smiled as I watched him. Nang mapatingin siya sakin kinuha lang niya ang kamay ko at hinila na ako palabas.
Lakad lang kami pabalik sa condo since malapit lang naman. Wala ng masyadong sasakyan, iilan nalang din ang bukas na mga shop. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa kamay niya kaya napatingin siya sakin.
"When will you ask me?" I licked my lips as I looked away. Shit.
"Ha?"
I closed my eyes for a second before shrugging. Nakakainis, ang tagal ko ng inaantay na mag-tanong siya. I mean, I really want us to be finally official! Hindi ko alam kung nag-aantayan lamang ba kaming dalawa or what?!
I heaved a sigh as I stopped walking. Napatigil din siya at napaharap sakin. His eyes were asking. Gosh, bakit ngayong gabi pa siya naging slow?
"You're my boyfriend now."
Mabilis kong sabe bago tinuloy ulit ang paglalakad. Napalingon ako nang maramdamang hindi ko siya kasabay, and there! Para siyang tanga na naka-tayo kung saan ko iniwanan!
"Hey!"
Finally, tumingin siya sakin. Malawak na ang mga ngiti niya. Mabilis siyang lumakad papunta sakin at agad kinuha ang kamay ko. Para kaming tanga dito na ngiting ngiti sa isa't-isa.
I looked up to see his face; I just love seeing his eyes smiling.
"You can't take it back, doc."
I crinkled my nose.
"I won't."
His eyes twinkle as his hand reached my nape, drawing me closer to him. I closed my eyes as I felt his lips on the top of my hair. I can't believe I resisted him for years! If I only knew back then na he'll be my rest.. my home.. then I should've dated him long time ago.
Guard, sobrang cold ko talaga siguro dati at hindi ko man lang siya na-appreciate.
But now I am. I appreciate him so much.
"You make me so happy," he whispered. "You should check my heart." He joked.
I laughed, "You want me to perform ECG on you?"
"Kahit ikaw nalang mag-perform sakin." Then he wiggles his brow.
My face returned to its nonchalant state as I hit his arm! Perv! Tawang tawa lang siya hanggang makarating kami ng condo. Minsan talaga lumalabas yong side niyang ganito lalo na sa gabi. Jusko!
"Goodnight, doc."
"Hope you have a good sleep." I sarcastically answered pero mukhang iba na naman yong dating sa kanya!
"You'll never know."
"What?"
"You're always in my dream.. performing."
"Omg! I hate you!"
"Performing surgery kasi!"
"Whatever!"
Tinawanan lamang niya ako bago nag-paalam. He kissed the tip of my nose before walking away. Pinakiramdaman ko naman ang puso ko. Sobrang bilis ng tibok! Tsk. Malala na ako.
Nang makapasok ako tahimik sa loob ng condo, excited akong pumunta kay Ansel pero agad din yong nabura nang makita siyang nag-papake.
"What are you doing?"
She looked up to me. Her eyes wet and nose red.
"What happened?"
She wiped her tears away.
"I am leaving."
"What?" I barely heard my own voice as her words rang out in my head.
"I already dropped out from school. I'm returning home."
"Why?"
She smiled sadly, "I have to. I'm tired."