It was around 6:00 the next morning when I heard a soft knock at the front door of the house. I put down one of my mother's journal I was reading and stepped into the foyer to see who it could be. Through the glass door, I was faced with April Kepner. She looked a mess, and she had a large duffel bad hanging on her shoulder. Her eyes locked with mine and they looked sad and begging. I quickly went to open the door.
"Can I stay here?" She asked quietly.
I was shocked for a minute, realizing that the duffel bag must have her clothes in it. I quickly opened the door wider and stepped aside so she could come in. She walked into the foyer and I closed the door behind her.
"There's and extra room upstairs, I'll show you," I offered, walking upstairs and opening the door to what used to be Izzie's bedroom. Jackson and Lexie already occupied the other two bedrooms besides the master I shared with Derek.
"Thank you," April said sincerely stepping into the room and throwing her bag down on the bed.
"Of course," I responded, closing the door behind her and heading back downstairs, hoping I didn't wake anyone else up.
I sat back down on the couch, not bothering to pick up the journal I was reading, it wasn't like I could focus on it anyway.
I heard soft voices floating down the stairs about two hours later. Lexie and Derek. I must have zoned out for a minute, because the next thing I knew my husband and sister were standing in the doorway of the living room, staring at me.
"You didn't come back to bed," Derek observed softly.
"I knew I wasn't going to be able to go back to sleep. And I didn't want to bother you," I responded, standing up from my cozy spot on the couch.
Derek rolled his eyes and sighed, "Will you stop worrying about me, Meredith? Look at you!"
"Stop worrying about you? Stop worrying about you? That's all I ever do, Derek! That's it! Constantly, you are all I can think about!" I raised my voice.
Lexie cast me an awkward glance and backed away into the kitchen. Derek crossed the living room so he stood about a foot in front of me.
"I'm okay. I told you, I'm okay,"
"Not in my mind! You will never be okay in my mind, you took a bullet to the chest for gods sake!"
He took a stepped forward and pulled me towards him, kissing me. After a moment his lips left mine, but we rested out foreheads on each other.
"I survived it, and I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere," He assured me.
"You didn't know you were going to get shot. You don't know what's going to happen. You could've died, I could've lost you. I don't know what's going to happen, and I can't...I just, I can't,"
"You have PTSD, last night proved it. And that's okay, you went through something terrible, something no one should ever have to go through,"
He didn't know the half of what I had gone through. What I was going through. He couldn't know, there was no way I could tell him about the baby. It would destroy him like it was destroying me.
"We can take care of each other. We're going to be fine," He whispered, pulling me into a hug.
"I'm exhausted," I admitted, my voice barley audible.
"I know. You need to eat and sleep."
"But I can't. It's impossible for me to sleep peacefully."
"Let me help you," he requested. His tone told me it wasn't a demand, but he was asking me, honestly.
"How can you help me? You were the one who was shot, I'm supposed to be helping you,"
"Helping me is all you've been doing for days, Mer. You need to take care of yourself too,"
I shook my head against his chest, pulling away from the hug and sitting back down on the couch with my head in my hands.
"Alex is coming home today," I say, trying to change the subject.
"His room is ready," Derek says, joining me on the couch.
"We have no good food!" Lexie complains from the kitchen, "You want some cereal for breakfast?"
Derek and I both chuckle. "Bring it in," I call back.
My sister is still in her pajamas, but her hair has been brushed and she does not look like the mess I do. She sits on the opposite side of me, taking a handful of cereal out of the box for herself and handing the box to me.
"If you can stay here and look after Derek I can go grocery shopping and help bring Alex home," I say to Lexie.
"I don't need someone here to look after me all the time," Derek cuts in.
"You are supposed to be on bedrest," I say, gently leaning my head on his shoulder.
Derek scoffs, causing Lexie to laugh. "I'll stay here all day, you can go," she says to me.
Jackson suddenly appeared in the doorway, plopping down on the couch beside Lexie.
"Sorry, I don't go grocery shopping," He said, taking a handful of cereal from the box.
"I can cook. My mother taught me how, I did it a lot growing up, actually. I'll cook," Came the soft voice of April.
Everyone's heads turned to see the redhead standing nervously in the corner of the room, seemingly unsure of what she should do. Everyone turns their heads to stare questioningly at me.
"She showed up early this morning, asking if she could stay here. I said yes. Is that okay you you all?" I wasn't really asking, more defending myself. Even if one of them had said no I wasn't going to force April out.
"You want some cereal?" Lexie offered, sticking out the box.
April smiled and grabbed the box from my sister and took a seat on the chair next to us.
We sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes, finishing the cereal. Eventually I pulled myself up from the couch and started upstairs, "I need a shower before I can go shopping,"
"Wait, can I come shopping with you?" April asks, standing up.
"Yeah, but you'll have to wait until I'm out of the shower and ready to go," I respond.
She nods and sits back down. I catch Derek staring at me, he looks as if he's debating following me upstairs. Quickly, I turn around and dash all the way upstairs.
When I get into our bathroom, I turn the shower on and shut the door behind me. Finally alone, I could cry. I didn't want to cry, but since my panic attack last night, I had felt like I needed to cry. I peel off my shirt and catch myself in the mirror. My gaze drifts down to my stomach.
I place my hands on it. I feel tears sting behind my eyes. This was where a baby should be. My baby should be. I feel the emptiness in my abdomen, and that's when I break. It shouldn't be empty, it should have a little life growing in it.
Quickly I take off the rest of my clothes and get into the shower. I start to wash myself as I cry, the water feels incredible. Usually the scent of my lavender conditioner calmed me, but today it didn't. It made me sob more. So hard that I had to just stop and lean against the wall, sobbing into my hands.
Part of me didn't even know why I was crying. The other part me assured that it was okay, that I was grieving for the baby I had lost. Suddenly I was hit with cold air and looked up to see my husband had opened the door to the shower. I tried to wipe the tears away and stop them from falling, but was unsuccessful.
"Sorry, I didn't know you were up here," I managed.
Derek stripped off his shirt and pants and stepped into the shower with me. Wordlessly, he takes me into his arms and squeezes me in his embrace. And I cry. For so long, I had tried to keep it in, to be strong, because Derek had needed me.
"Why are you crying?" He asks gently.
I don't know how to respond to that, So I go to defend myself.
"I try, Derek. I try to be strong and I try to not snap like this. But it's hard sometimes. So damn hard,"
"Meredith," he pulls my face up to look at his perfect eyes, who hold pity and love, "you don't have to be tough every minute of every day. It's okay to let down your guard,"
The pity in his eyes makes me want to throw up. I pull away from him.
"No it's not. Because when I do, people look at me like that. They pity me. And I can't stand it. I don't want pity, I don't need it!"
He looked shocked for a minute before understanding covered his features.
"I don't pity you. I love you, and I want you to be happy and healthy. You're incredibly strong, you've been through so much. You definitely don't need anyone's pity,"
There it was. Derek somehow always managed to say the perfect thing at the perfect moment. I guess it was part of the whole "McDreamy" thing, but it worked on me every time. No matter how much I didn't want it to.
"You're strong too," I whisper, coming closer to him again, "you were literally shot, yet here you stand,"
"Here I stand," He repeats, wrapping an arm around my and kissing me.
Desire burns in his movements, and I can see it in his eyes. Somewhere deep in me it burns as well, but as his hands snake around my body, I pull away.
"I can't just yet," I whisper, dropping my gaze, unable to face his disappointment, "I'm sorry, I'm not-"
"It's okay. I can wait. Whenever you're ready," he insists, placing a kiss on my head before getting out of the shower, drying off and getting dressed.
When he walks out of the bathroom I turn off the water and dry off as well, I leave the bathroom and head over to my dresser, digging through the drawers to find something to wear. I fish out a pair of leggings and my favorite shirt. My Dartmouth one. It was old and ratty and had a little hole in the back of the neck, but I loved it.
I brushed my hair and towel dried it a bit before kissing my husband, who sat in bed, flipping through the channels on the T.V. I walked downstairs to find April sitting on at the kitchen table, talking to Lexie.
"Sorry I took so long, ready to go?" I ask April.
She nods and stands up. She had changed out of her pajamas and into regular clothes, brushed her hair and applied a bit of makeup.
The two of us got into my car and pulled out of the driveway, heading off to the grocery store. For some reason, I felt a stronger bond with the redhead than before. There was some unspoken strength in our relationship now. Before, I hadn't been so fond of April, she could be very annoying sometimes, but I found myself liking her a lot. Plus, she cooked.
Together, we headed into the grocery store. April taking the lead, because I had no idea what to buy.