Buried in your memories, a winter colder than usual in the city slums, you remember a time when you felt a longing for someone you never got to know, though your hesitancy to act always haunted you even then.
It was snowing lightly, the first and last snow of the season that year, while you had been tasked to find food again for the children of the slums; however, due to the weather, there was hardly anyone outside you could find willing to give you something, much less anything in the fields to steal from. Venturing closer to inner Yokohama, your nose red from the nipping frost, hands uncovered and your coat hardly thick enough for the weather, you had stumbled across a large, old looking building, large, black metal gates blocking you from going any closer to look. Out of curiosity, you go and hold on to the bars keeping you away, the building radiating light from inside and getting a sigh out of you as you close your eyes and imagine the warmth of a fireplace to keep you from the cold, a blanket around you and warm food in front of you.
Opening your eyes, you realize there's a few children playing outside now, an adult at the door of the building watching over them with boredom in his eyes, your presence at the gate going unnoticed. The children can be heard laughing together as they marvel at the small snowflakes falling from the sky, though if you look closer they share the same emptiness you do as they try to find the small joys in their little activities to save them.
Continuing to gaze wistfully, your [e/c] eyes finally land on a small boy separated from the rest of the children, his white hair matching the winter all around, his wide eyes of two colours watching everyone as if he had just been crying and was much too timid or afraid to ask to join in. His clothes seems thinner than the rest of their's as well, and as you study him further your heart only aches more, you instinctively wanting to reach over and take his worries away, your ability begging to be used. Still, the gates would never let you and you know this world you're watching isn't yours. You already have the children back in the slums waiting for you to help them...and the two siblings that had learned to count on you expecting you to come back to them.
Suddenly, the boy's eyes meet yours, the timid glimmer in his warm eyes disappearing for a moment as he looks you over with the same curiosity you had held previously, white hair covering his face as the wind picks up all around, the sky getting darker. You let go of the metal bars, cold hands dropping to your side as you feel heat rushing to your cheeks in embarrassment of being caught watching, your envy flickering in your expression as the children are being called back inside to the warmth to protect them, though you aren't sure what exactly goes on behind those walls.
You want to call out to the boy when he turns away from you for a moment to look at the man gathering everyone again, but your intentions and words are forgotten and caught up in your throat as he glances back at you, regret being shared by the both of you as you begin to step away while he tries to take a step towards you.
'This isn't my world. If I talk to him I'll only feel worse. I'll want things not meant for me'
You turn away and quickly cross the streets, placing more distance without a second look back, trying to concentrate on getting back and hopefully not empty handed, though your thoughts wander back to the boy around your age, the way his eyes held burdens similar to yours yet still shine with so much sympathy and kindness, the way he was willing to disobey the man calling to satisfy his curiosity at seeing you and how he had looked on the brink of tears.
'His hands were probably warm...or at least, they'd feel warm in mine. I wonder who he is...'
Your wonder didn't last for too long as your mind pushed away those thoughts of warmth to keep away the envy from eating you up inside, the boy now just a dream of your youth put away for what you thought was for good.
•••
How did I get here?
You stand outside, the sun in yours eyes blinding you even as you raise a hand to cast some shade over your face, trying to make out your surroundings while you lean against a traffic pole, the sound of the city street crowds like a loud, overwhelming buzz in your ears. You want it all to stop, but you don't know how, your thoughts murky, nothing making much sense anymore.
I was just inside the headquarters...I was just close to Akutagawa...
Did I get what I was looking for?
I can't feel anything...
I always get distracted...
When you feel the crowd around you move as the traffic light turns green, you stumble with them, trying to recollect all your thoughts as you walk forwards, last night's memories fuzzier than before, all your feelings relating to your nightmares becoming nothing but murky fever dreams, your reality becoming smudged.
I just want to sleep...
Trying to make out the street names around you, you decide to just make your way home, people around you giving you dirty looks as you bump into them, your vision blurred and seeing double, colours all over the place as white noise plays instead of people's voices when you try to apologize for the trouble. Not stopping though it becomes harder to read the signs and tell the differences between different buildings, you only pause in your tracks when you are faced with a neighbourhood you don't recognize at all, the houses together in a small, two story flat complex, the streets here relatively quiet. You don't know where you made the turn to end up here in the first place, nothing fitting together in your mind anymore.
"What the hell..." you murmur to yourself, placing a hand to your head and beginning to internally panic.
What did they give me?
Where do I go from here?
Is this the cost of numbing my ability?
What did I go for again...
They said they'd make me feel better.
The contract...
But why was I so desperate again?
Is this my answer?
"[l/n]? What are you doing here?"
Turning around, you see many purple and yellow eyes staring back at you, though as you slowly put together the voice and appearance of the person calling out your name, you recognize it belonging to Atsushi, the multiple eyes becoming one pair on his semi-concerned, soft, face, sun lighting up his irises as your own expression contorts to relief.
He'll help me, right?
"Atsushi!" You call his name, reaching a hand out to figure out the distance between you two, pulling back in embarrassment when your hand unintentionally lands on his shoulder, the 18 year old's cheeks turning slightly pink at your sudden actions though he greets you with a smile.
"You left so quickly last time...are you ok? How are you feeling today?" He asks to break the tension, a grocery bag in one if his hands that you hadn't noticed previously.
"Oh, yeah I'm...I'm fine I..." you begin, but as your hands begin to shake and brows furrow as you start recalling less of your day by the hour, you can't find the words to keep lying to Atsushi as he gazes at you with care.
"What are you doing with all that food?" You try to change the subject, ignoring the quizzical glance Atsushi shoots you.
"Um...well actually, I live here and needed to re-stock my fridge and all that so..." he responds with an awkward scratch at the back of his neck, pointing to the flat that's his before fixing his attention back on you, his eyes narrowing as he looks you over while you try to figure out which house he had pointed to, your stance wobbly and faced more flushed than normal.
"Are you here for someone?"
"...no...I got sort of lost actually..." you confess after hesitating you answer him, beginning to realize how stupid you must look.
What am I supposed to do?
"Oh...in that case...want to come in?" Atsushi offers and for some reason your heart skips a beat, his voice softer with the question.
Should I take the offer?
Out of nowhere, your vision acts up again, this time twisting with some uncovered memory you had long forgotten, the atmosphere feeling cold briefly, the memory of snow falling and a small, compassionate boy behind some gates flashing through your mind, the boy's eyes matching Atsushi's kind ones, though no longer filled with tears.
Is it the medicine?
I don't want to keep walking away from you...
"...you don't have to if you don't want to you know." He takes your silence as a negative reaction the you immediately correct him, shaking your head as you make the mental connection of the memory to the sudden feeling that had erupted inside you.
"I'd gladly take your invite inside." You tell him softly, looking down at your hands no longer cold as they were as a child, though they still craved the comfort of another.
I want relief of this wonderland I've been tricked in to.
Even if it can't last and I can't tell you everything...
I can pretend for a while with you.
Under your sun...
Until I have to get back.
Will you help me feel safe in my decisions?