I was around 13 when I started this book and just reading some of this chapter im like 😬yikes but I promise it does get better. Give it a chance.
(Edited 2/12/21) Just a TRIGGER WARNING! I didnt put one in before but considering the content that I wrote I want to just warn you all. There are very heavy subjects within this book that may be triggering for victims of SA. Please please be careful if you feel it may be too much for you. As a victim myself i just want to say to everyone else out there that you are so loved ❤ please don't ever forget that
Its been 3 years since she left me.I moved to California when she did.i couldn't stay here knowing she hates me so much.I cut ties with everyone including my dad,Karen,Landon and every other person who knew me.I bought a new phone and went off the grid.Im not sure why i cut eveyone else off,maybe because I knew they would bring up Tessa at some point and eventhough a single day hasn't gone by where I haven't thought about her i haven't heard anyone say her name since I left but im moving back.I don't know what made me make this decision because I promised myself that I would never return back.Just me thinking about how she looked at me and told me she hated me breaks my heart.Those 3 words sent me into a spiraling mess.I always thought that mine and Tessa's love for eachother could conquer anything and eventhough we fight all the time usually because im being an ass i never expected her to say that she hates me.I don't blame her though.The worst decision I ever made was that night at the bridge.Eventhough I didnt jump i threatened Tessa that I would.She burst out crying as soon as i climbed up onto that ledge and i just needed to think.I was never actually gonna do it but this is something I usually do to clear my head.I probably shouldn't because I could fall but I didnt really give a shit at that point.She begged me to get down and she fell to her knees in relief when i did.We drove home in absolute silence and i could tell she was absolutely livid.We got in and she went straight into the bedroom got out her suitcase and started packing.I was in such a dark place back then and I managed to take the only thing that I was living for and loose that too.I didnt even realise she was packing i was too stuck in my thoughts.She grabbed her bags left her keys on the table and she just stood there.I was just staring at the brick wall and she waved her hand in front of my face.
"What? Wait where are you going?" I was so out of it back then.
"Im leaving Hardin.I can't allow you to keep me trapped in this relationship because you keep threatening to end your life! You don't do that to someone you love!" She sobbed.My heart was sinking faster and faster by the second.
"I hate you for doing this to me! I hate you for changing into a completely different person than I fell in love with! I hate you!" She was hysterical and it killed me that i made her feel this way.I didnt do anything about it though I just sat there staring at the brick wall while tears streamed down my cheeks.I couldn't look at her and to be honest I'm glad i didn't or i honestly don't think I would be here today.It would have destroyed me seeing the one thing that I loved with all of my being crumble in front of me. She slammed the door and that was it.I packed my shit up left the keys and my phone there and I ended up driving for days on end all the way to California.Thats when I decided that I wanted to live.I wanted to live an extraordinary life full of excitement,love and happiness.I went to therapy almost everyday,I quit drinking and i surrounded myself with people I aspired to be like.I haven't kissed or been sexually involved with anyone since Tessa though.I cant even picture being with anyone but tessa.It frustrates me everyday that I chose to get my shit together after she left me but im actually thankfully that Tessa left me.As fucked up and weird as that sounds i wouldn't be where I am today.
Today.Today is the day.All my stuff is in my car and im ready for the few days drive back to Washington.I'm making my decision whether im staying for sure or only for a few weeks based on what tessa is like.If she is happy and with someone else then I will only stay a few weeks.I never want to take her happiness away from her ive done that once and it crushed me.If she's not with anyone then I will stay.i wouldnt be able to stay full time knowing shes with someone that isn't me.
2 days later.
I arrive in Washington and I dont really know what im doing I've been driving around the block by Karen and dad's house for the last hour trying to figure out what to say. I still haven't quite figured out what I'm going to do but when have I ever known the right thing to say.I take a deep breath and drive up the long driveway leading to the huge house ive actually missed.I sit in my car for a second debating if I actually want to do this.I was going to just walk in but It doesn't feel right any more.I knock the door and i can see Karen walking towards the door.
"Hel-" She just stands there in utter shock.
"Hi." This is beyond akward.She still hadnt said anything shes just standing there and she looks like she just seen a ghost.
"Ken.Ken.Ken come here now."
"What is it hon-" Im actaully really happy to see everyone.Ive missed them all.
"Hardin!Hardin is that really you!" My dad pulls me in for a tight hug and im ok with it now.Going to therapy has actually helped get rid of my anger towards my father.I still have an issue with him but its no where near as bad as before.
"I cant believe your actaully here.Come in!" I take my shoes off and go into the kitchen.They both are still staring at me and its annoying now.
"Ok can you please stop staring at me." No one's really said anything yet.
"You have a lot of explaining to do.you do realise that dont you" I can tell they are getting angry now which i expected.I did dissappear for 3 years with no word.
"I know.i will start at the beginning. Im sure you know that I was extremly depressed and suicidal before I left and im sure Tessa has probably told you what happend.After tessa left i packed my stuff and I just drove.I didn't know where I was going but I ended up in California.I was living there and thats when I decided to get my life together.I went to therapy and I was also on suicide watch for quite a while but that was before and i decided to come back...for however long." I choose not to tell them that im choosing how long I stay based on what tessa is like.
"But why didn't you tell us.You cut of all contact with everyone." I can tell Karen is upset.
"Som I don't think you realise how serious this is.We almost had a funeral for you.We had assumed that you had taken your life after no one had heard from you and tessa she-" My dads cut off by a banging noise behind me.
"Hardin." Tessa stands there in cruches with a cast on her leg and Landon standing behind her.A tear rolls down her cheek. I walk over to her but im not sure what to do.Her hand raises and she slaps me right across the face.She turns around and goes back upstairs i go to follow her but Landon stops me.
"Give her a minute ok and its amazing to see you man." I decide to listen and sit down again.Landon joins his mum on the sofa.
"Sorry what were you saying dad?"
"Oh im just saying I dont think you know how serious this is.Youre listed dead.They ruled your disappearance a suicide based on your mental state and Tessa also suffered too.She went into hospital because of her mental state.She thinks its her fault that you killed yourself but your not actaully dead and-" fuck.ive messed up big time.I thought all of this would be in the past but I guess I've got some more things i need to fix.
"Im sorry I really need to see Tess.Can we please talk about this later." I dont wait for an answer i rush up the stairs and into Tessas room.Shes sitting on her bed with her knees to her chest and crying.Ive already caused her more pain just by being here.
"Tess.Are you OK?" She looks up at me and her eyes are bright red.She gets up and stands right in front of me.She takes one look at me and stands hysterically hitting my chest saying "you're supposed to be dead!" I cant stop her so i just pull her to my chest and hold her tight.She eventually calms down and her arms wrap around my waist.She continues to sob into my chest.I cup her cheeks so I can look at her and I can see she is still in shock.I walk her over to the bed and sit her down.
"What happened?"her voice cracks
"I left.I needed to get out of here once you left me and I didnt really know where i was going.I lived in California for the last 3 years and I wanted to get better so I went to therapy and now I'm better than ever." I thinks that's the shortest version of the story because in reality I havent really done anything but wake up got to therapy,eat, sleep and restart everyday.
"I thought you were dead.you know that right.I thought that I drove you to kill yourself and that was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life." Her face is neutral and she keeps picking at her fingers.I place my hands on top of hers and turn to her.
"I never would have left if I thought that people would think I was dead.I had no idea that this was happening i swear to you." A tear rolls down her cheek and she seems caught of guard when i wipe it away.
"What made you come back?" I take a deep breath
"I needed to see you and im finally in a place in my life where I dont feel like I'm drowning." She looks up at me and I can tell that she believes I've changed.
"So what happend to your leg?" I feel like we have so much to talk about but we don't really know where to start.
"I broke my leg ice skating" she laughs and I get flashbacks of when we went ice skating so I could prove to her that I could be a normal boyfriend.Thats seems like so long ago now.
"Weren't as good as you thought huh" I joke and nudge her shoulder.A small smile covers her face and i finally let out a breath i didnt know i was holding.its the first time I've seen her smile in litteraly years and it still stirs something inside me that makes me fall deeper in love with her.
"How long are you staying?" I already made my decision the second her arms wrapped around me.
"Im moving back.Im looking at apartments in the area tommorow." I can tell shes trying to hold back her smile.
"Are you staying here tonight?" She already knows the answer.
"Ye...well thats if Karen and my dad let me."
"This is your house too you know." She says.
"Ye but I havent really been 'home' in 3 years so it doesn't feel like it." I get up and help tessa up and hand her her cruches.
"How long left do you have on these things" i point to the cruches in her arms.
"Im getting them taken off tommorow actually" i can see how relieved she is to finally get that thing off soon.
"Im starving.do you wanna food?" She asks.
"Um sure." We head back downstairs and Karen,Landon and my dad havent moved from their seats on the sofa.
"Are you OK?" Karen asks tessa. She looks back at me and smiles.
"Ye im ok." They all seem relieved and honestly I'm relieved.
"Im gonna order some pizza is that OK?" I ask karen because she's the cook of the family.
"Ye order everything.We need to celebrate!" My dad says before walking into the kitchen.
"Wait,is it OK if I stay until i find an apartment?" I ask Karen.
"Of course hardin.you don't have to ask this is your house too remeber." She gives me a hug and they leave me and tessa alone for a bit.
"Im gonna grab my stuff from the car. I will be back in a minute" I need to breath.That was a lot and the cold washington air wakes me up a bit.Im not sure where tessa and i stand but I want to be close to her.I grab my stuff and walk back into the house.I check if tessa is still in the living room but she's now there.
"Tessa?" She doesn't answer.i walk back upstairs and into my room.Im surprised when nothings changed but Tessa's stuff is in here and her clothes are in my draw.Her cheeks go red when I walk in.
"I stay in this room when I'm here.Its all I really had left of you" i smile at the thought of tessa wanting to be close to me just like I want to be close to her but im still not sure where we stand.
"Its OK. I'll just stay in your room." I go to leave but tessa stops me.
"Wait! Stay." She looks down
"What do you mean I told you im not leaving."
"No.stay.with me.In here." I can't help the stupid smile that covers my face hearing those words.I can see that shes embarrassed asking me that but I have no idea why.
"Ok." I get my bags and we head downstairs.I call the pizza place and order 3 large pizzas,fries,chicken nuggets and a bunch of other random stuff.It takes about half hour for the food to arrive so me and tessa try to talk about as much as possible.The food arrives and I go to pay but my dad insists so I dont fight him.I take the food into the living room and karen brings in some plates for everyone.I ask tessa what she wants and make her a plate.We all decide to watch a movie so Karen and Tessa agree on The notebook of course.Ive watched this movie so many times now with tessa but this time im actaully glad.It brings me back to all the memories of us in the apartment together.By the time the film finishes its dark out and almost all the food is gone.Karen and my dad go up to bed and Landon goes up to his room.I clean up and find tessa sitting outside with her feet in the pool.I grab 2 glasses and a bottle of wine.I havent drank to the point where im drunk in almost 2 years now but i can control myself i didnt know when to stop before.The lights on the pool cast waves of blue onto tessa and she looks beautiful.
"What are you looking at." She grins when she catchs me staring.i don't answer i just hand her a glass and sit down putting my feet in the pool too.She looks up at me and our eyes lock.when she realises whats happening she clears her throat and looks away.
"You really have changed havent you." She seems more sure of herself this time and I really do hope she sees how much I've changed.
"How long have you been walking around with that cast on and those cruches for?"
"Almost 6 months." She says
"Bet it was expensive.wouldnt have cost a rhing in the uk." I know this is a triggering for her.
"Oi don't start with me" she warns.
"What im just saying-"
"Shut up" she laughs and pushes me.i loose balance and fall straight into the pool.She bursts out laughing.
"Omg im so sorry." Her laughter is like music to my ears.I get put and she hands me a towel. I walk her backwards so her back is to the pool.
"Ready." Her expression changes
"Ready for what?" She realises what im about to do.I hold onto her arms and walk her backwards even further so we both fall in.
"Hardin!I cant believe you did that!" We both laugh at how we ended up in the pool. We get out and i help her up. I probably shouldn't have because of her cast but she's getting it off tommorow anyways. I grab a towel for her and put it over her shoulders.i grab her cruches and we walk up to bed. She goes straight into the bathroom to change but doesn't close the door all the way.I take my shirt off and unpack one of my black shirts.i dont want to say anything so I quietly place my shirt onto the hook where her pyjamas are hanging.i hope that she puts it on.I put my soaked clothes into the washing basket and get into bed.Tess walks in around 10 minutes later with my black shirt on and i can see by her face that shes as happy as I am about it.
"you want me to wear this"
"Dont pretend like you don't want to either."
"Im not.i do want to i just didnt think you would want me to." She walks over to the bed and we both lay there staring st the ceiling.
"Why would you think that." If anything I didnt think she would want to.
"I don't know i just.i don't know" she turns over onto her side facing away from me.I can see she's tired hut i want to be closer to her.Her legs find mine under the blanket and she runs her foot up and down my leg.I move closer and her hand reaches for mine and she places it on her waist.I trace my fingers up and down the side of her hip and draw little circles at the hem of her shorts.I grab her shoulder to turn her over to face me.
"Hardin" she moves closer and our noses are practically touching.
"Tess." I say before bringing my lips to hers.I go to pull away but she removes her hands from under the blanket to cup my cheeks.Her mouth opens and i slide my tounge along her bottom lip.Our mouths move in sync with eachother and she sighs into the kiss.My hand moves to her neck and i pull myself up so I'm looking down at her.Our kisses are long and full of need and want.She wraps her legs around my waist and i pull her on top of me.She straddles my lap and i pull her in closer so our chests are flush.Her hands move to my hair and I lower my hands to her hips.
"Tess-" i stop.
"I know.you wanna go slow and thats OK.i do too but i need you tonight.All of you" I can see in her eyes that she needs this tonight and I've been away too long to resist her request.I slide my hand under my top and lift it up.She removes it and chucks it behind her on the bed.She wraps her arms around my neck and i roll so I'm on top of her.I move my hand from her hip and slide them into the front of her panties.Her hand grabs onto my arm and her eyes shut close.I remove my hand and slide her panties down and then my boxers.I can see shes becoming nervous now.
"Hey look at me.Are you sure about this?" I dont want to do something now that she gonna regret in the morning.
"Ye im fine I promise its just been so long and i thought you were dead up till today." Way to drop the mood
"I know but im here now and im not going anywhere I promise." She nods and brings her mouth to mine.She wraps her legs around my waist and pulls me closer.I reach over to the drawers and grab a condom.I don't even want to think why they are in there especially if she thought I was dead but It isn't fair for me to expect her to wait around.I slide the condom on push myself inside of her.I sigh at the relief of the feeling and she pulls me in with her legs again.Her hands grip the sheets as i push myself in and out of her. I move my mouth to her neck and she moans my name into my ear.I can tell that shes close when her eyes screw shut.I watch as she comes undone and we both lay there in our euphoric state.She rests her head on my chest.
"Still got the hang of it I see" i know shes trying to ask me if I've been with anyone else.
"No."
"What do you mean no." She seems confused
"I mean no.i havent slept with anyone.Not since you." I can feel her smile against my chest.
"Have you?" Please say no.
"Um only once.we didnt actually have sex but we did mess around.It was at a club and I was wasted and I dont really remember most of it except waking up with the worst headache of my life." If im being honest I thought tess would have slept with someone.i mean its been 3 years and being young adults 3 years with no sex feels like an eternity.
"Anyway can we not talk about this please." She asks.i get up to go shower quickly and tessa cleans herself up a bit and gets dressed again.When we get into bed tessa turns on her side and i wrap my arm around her waist i nuzzle into her neck and wait for her to fall asleep before whispering 'i love you' into her ear.
OK.i think that's the longest chapter I've ever written in my life but I hope you all enjoyed it.Not sure when the next chapter will be up and im only going to write when I feel like it. Love you all xx -Anna