"Sarawat, tomorrow..."
"I'm not free." I cut my friend off before he finishes his question.
'Wanna go to Scrubb's live show?"
"Yes."
"Seriously, what the fuck? You like them now?"
"Are you going out with someone secretly?' My friend is going on with his nonsense, but I let him continue. "Or did you fall in love with someone at the event? Aren't you afraid that Pam will get jealous?"
"Fucking nonsense."
My friends know I like Pam, I never confessed to her, though. Never... I didn't express my feelings for her straightforwardly because I never wished for our relationship to progress. She's my first love, and I just want to leave it at that.
"Oh, I forgot. How can you love someone when you're such a heartless dude?"
"You watch too many movies. Piss off."
"All right. Come study with us tomorrow. We'll have a barbecue for dinner, going nonstop."
"Okay..."
I put my books into my bag without care before going to the event 'Cat T-Shirt,' which I planned to go to weeks ago. Ifs an event where many bands sell their shirts while performing live. That's why the event is quite huge and pretty packed; so I think there's a chance I will bump into him.
"Hey, Sarawat!"
I haven't seen much of the event when someone calls me excitedly. When I tum around, I see that it's a friend from the same tutorial school.
"What's up?" He's from an all-boys school, His friends are a bunch of troublemakers.
"Never thought I'd see you here. You here alone?" He tries to look for my friends and changes the subject when he spots none.
'What band did you get the shirt from?"
"Scrubb. "
"Holy fuck, I didn't know you were their fan!"
"What about you?" I ask back.
"Whoa, I like a lot of bands. I bought so much that my wallet is empty now."
"That's fucking loads."
"Are you waiting for the live show?"
"Of course. You?"
"I can't be here for long." He takes his phone out to read the messages and tells me, "l gotta go now. My pals are telling me to get back See ya."
"See ya."
We have a short conversation and then part ways. My attention is now back to the shirt booths, waiting for the artists to perform live, hoping to meet the person who danced like crazy in front of the stage during Scrubb's performance again.
I've never thought that...
Someone's back accidentally catches my eyes. The familiar person lingering in my mind is standing in the crowd meters away from me.
My blood is pumping, my feet are moving forward by themselves, and my ears are ringing. My vision blurs a little from trying to keep my eyes fixed on the person in a white shirt and light wash jeans.
My heart beats so fast; I'm losing control. It's exciting and frightening at the same time.
Its exciting since I might get to meet the person I've been looking for, but it's also frightening since it might not be the little guy who danced like crazy at Silpakom as I am hoping to see.
I keep stepping forward as the sound of music from the stage reverberates through the place. It's so crowded that I can barely breathe. I don't remember how many people I've bumped into as I keep running, pushing through the packed hall, because he's all
I see in my head right now.
"Sorry. "
"Sorry," I tell people around me repeatedly. I then crash into someone so hard, and I stutter out an apology.
"I'm sorry."
"It's all right," the girl says, taking no offense.
It happened so fast but it averted my attention, and so I've now lost sight of the back of the person in a white shirt. He's gone.
I've missed him.
Maybe that person isn't the one I've been looking for.
Maybe it's all in my head.
Just the same, there's no answer. All I know is when I'm back home, I have one more shirt of Scrubb added to many shirts of other bands in my closet.
The number of those shirts is...
The amount of times I went to events to find him, but we were never able to meet.
Sarawat's diary: Move on.
After sleeping on it for days, I've finally come to a conclusion for myself: I will let go of all my expectations, and just live my life to the fullest again. My friends say that everyone has to move forward, and yes, I should do that too. I actually should've done it sooner.
When you adore someone, the most you can do is keep that person inside you as a memory.
One day I might meet someone and have feelings for them, maybe to the point that I fall in love. When that time comes, the image of the guy in the school uniform I met at Silpakorn might fade away from my memory.
Sarawat's diary: Move on in a circle.
My life isn't as busy as before. At least I no longer go to tons of events to chase after someone. I'm back to living my life with my friends, and with no regrets before our high school life ends.
After the first semester has ended, everyone starts studying hard and taking entrance exams. When it gets too stressful, we'd go to the movies, listen to music, and take photos as we always do. It's still boring for us, though, so when it's the birthday of someone in the gang, they throw a big party where all our classmates are invited. We play lots of games, and one of them is musical chairs.
I'm not interested in such things, so I just watch them try to sit on the chairs like their lives depend on it. The songs keep changing, slow songs, fast songs, continuously until..
'Too close...to say any words.'
The melody of 'Close' fills my ears; my body goes numb. It's like the memory I tried to erase has been accidentally revived.
Shit, I can't help but cuss at myself.
I had almost forgotten everything, but now I'm back where I was. Every time I hear Scrubb's songs, I always think of that day.
It's awful that I still can't move on.
I fucking hate myself because, despite all my efforts, I start thinking of him again.
Sarawat's diary: Move on in a circle over and over.
The school building's ground floor is full of students at noon. My friends always bring their guitar here to play, trying to flirt with the girls. Every day, they carefully choose the songs that will impress girls the most
There are currently many famous songs, so the list is pretty long, and we need practice the songs with hard guitar chords. Honestly, I join them sometimes when I'm bored. The thing is, they want to go as far as to upload video clips on Youtube so that the girls will be more impressed.
It would prefer if they didn't get me involved. Well, I'm willing to help them if they ask me, but I didn't expect myself to be stunned by what they said.
'Lets do 'Close."
I say nothing and tum around, leaving them quietly, with countless images slowly popping up in my head. And of course, they are the images of the little guy I long to meet, but the chance is zero.
Here's the question:
Out of a million songs in the world, why the fuck did they choose Scrubb's song?
Sarawat's diary: Move on in a circle indefinitely.
"Sarawat, you fucker, are you free tomorrow?"
"Why?" This question always comes with troublesome shit. "There's a concert for the indie lovers, free pass again, you in?"
"I'll pass." I'm determined not to go to any concerts anymore, see other people or bands or whatever, so that I won't be obsessed with chasing after someone whose name I don't even know. But my friends don't let me be like they used to—they're pressuring me even more now.
"Hey, for the sake of our high school life."
"We better prepare for the exams. We'll fail if we keep going out."
"Let this be the last time, then. Let's make memories before we don't get to hang out together anymore."
"Sarawat, we can't tum back time, you know."
I still don't answer, crossing my arms, looking up at my friends who are trying to persuade me with words.
"Come on, this is probably the last concert before we graduate."
"Wat." They look so gloomy. What the hell can I do now?
"All right. Did you see the lineup of the bands, though?" "There'll be lots of bands. And your fav, of course."
Maybe it's Solitude is Bliss or Inspirative, but no.
"Scrubb will be there."
Oh...
Fuck my life.
Sarawat's diary: No more moving on, I'm fucking done.
The toughest and most difficult time is the three months before the admission tests. We're all forced to join the battle and fight no matter how hard we wish to escape. Besides the tutorial school, my friends' places are where I eat, sleep, and spend most of my time.
I get up in the moming and carry my textbooks to study with my friends; staying up late and getting up early. The circle repeats until I've lost a lot of weight. We're about to lose it too many times during the tests. And finally, when the result is announced, some get into the universities of their choice, some don't. One thing we know for sure is, it's time for our high school gang to part
I got into the university in Chiang Mai, far away from everyone. It's going to be hard to hang out with the guys like before, so we meet up for the last gathering, enjoying Japanese hot pot, sharing stories of the past years. Topics after topics are brought up until an unexpected topic is mentioned.
"Have you heard about the guy who got heartbroken although the relationship never even happened?"
Everyone's eyes are on me right now, so I can't help but ask.
'Who?"
"You. What a sad dude." I'm so done with them. "Listen to me, pal."
"I'm not your pal today."
"Whoa, so friendship can be ruined this easily? Tell us what's on your mind. We won't see each other often anyway. Think of it as a heart-to-heart before we go our separate ways."
I've never considered telling anyone about it because it might sound stupid to them, except for Phukong whom I had unintentionally told everything to one night.
But now that my friends keep pressing me, I give in and spill the whole story. I didn't expect any advice, but they all cheered me up, giving me full support, even though I told them that the person was a guy.
"Trust me, if you guys are meant to be, you'll meet again someday."
"l will be studying in Chiang Mai, we won't get to meet each other again." With tons of universities and millions of people, it's impossible for two strangers to meet again. It's a fantasy. "He might be studying in Chiang Mai as well." "Bullshit. How do you know he's our age?"
"I bet you ten baht."
"Piss off."
"Not enough? Fifteen baht, then. Transfer it to my account when you meet him."
"Sure, if I meet him again." I end the talk out of annoyance.
We change the subject right away. I'm not sure when we say our goodbyes and go home or what kind of state we are in after that. Once I'm in my room, I plop down on my bed with the smell of the hot pot still sticking on my clothes.
Time flies...
I'm departing for Chiang Mai tomorrow. As I'm packing my stuff, I've decided to keep the memory of that person with me,
They say running away is more tiring than facing it; I never believed it until it happened to me. It's hard to forget someone you adore terribly, so I choose to keep him in the deepest part of my memory.
'You recording, Phukong?'
'I pressed it. Stan talking. '
After organizing some of my stuff on the floor wearily, I lie down on my bed to take a break; I take out my phone, and play the audio recording I recorded a long time ago and had never thought about listening to it again.
'To you... ' I don't know his name, so I simply said 'you.' 'I'm
Sarawat, no nickname. 1...1 met you at Scrubb's live show.'
'I want to know you but it's impossible, so today I will you a song. It's a song that reminds me of your smile. Ah...l can't read my script, I'll staff singing, then.
'Smile' by Scrubb starts. I hear my voice and the melody from my favorite guitar. The image of him in his school uniform flashes in my head. What will happen if we meet again? What will happen if I get to see his cute smile up close? I'll probably go crazy.
Even after the song has ended, I'm still absorbed in my voice from the audio recording.
'Ah...lt might not be very good. l...have never done this before. But there's one thing I want to tell you. I don't know if you will ever get to hear it, all I can do is ten you on this phone... '
" I like you. '
Blue Hawaii, Scrubb, Silpakom, and the song 'Close' that night, theywill all be in my memory forever.