"Where are we going?" a small, squeaky voice trembled from my body.
"I'm taking you out." the ugly man with the strange voice replied as he focused his attention on the road. I've never been in a car before, it's scary.
He took me to the aquarium, bought me fish balloon and showed me the sharks. I didn't understand why he was taking me out and treating me nicely. I never get to go on nice days out like this. He held my hand the whole day and showed me different sea animals with the fakest smile plastered across his face, showing everyone around us that we were happy, normal, safe.
"Have you had a good day?" I didn't answer but I gave a reluctant nod. He smiled satisfied.
"Do you love me?" he pierced his dark eyes into me, warning me to answer the question correctly. I looked at the families around me, hopelessly. I could scream for help but I don't think my mouth is loud enough for people to listen. He grabbed my wrist tightly because I took too long to answer so I gave the slightest nod as I breathed through his spicy cologne.
"Do you know how two people show they love each other?" I could see the excitement building in his horrible face. I knew what he was getting at, more stuff I don't want to do. This is what this day trip was about. Encouragement. Bribery. Not love. My subconscious screamed at myself to wake up as he explained to a ten year old me about sex and penetration.
My eyes fluttered open as the bedsheets stuck to the cold sweat on my bare skin. My heart raced and in that moment I was just thankful that I never let him get that far.
***
I could taste the darkness in the back of my throat, it threatened to strangle me but I tried hard to push it out of my mind until I could distract myself.
"I met a girl she's from portugal and her accent is the equivalent to the heart eye emoji." Jordan said lustfully.
"Nah, I like British." Zak chirped in "Oh Zak, take me right here right now." He threw on a funny accent that instantly made my skin crawl and brought back the flooding memories of my last nightmare. I playfully punched him on the arm.
"That sounds Scottish." I said masking my fear behind fake amusement. Someone really wants me to experience the darkness today, huh?
"I'd take a Scottish girl." Zak admitted.
"You'd take an alien girl." Ben said hitting him on the chest. We all laughed but mine wasn't quite sincere as I fought with the demons inside my head.
I needed to find someone now. I looked around the corridors and out of the corner of my eye I noted Jemma wave at me. Bingo! I approached her and shot her one of my crotch warming smooth smiles.
"Hey Jemma."
"Hey Liam." She lent back against her locker chewing gum, right in front of my face she blew out a big gum bubble so big it popped leaving small strings of white on her lips.
My mouth fixated on her lips, not even in a good way. I made a mental note to avoid the kisses, unless she lost the gum but overall I just didn't want to kiss her. I hated kissing them.
"You fancy hooking up?" I asked, still fixated on the way she chewed her gum.
"You know I've a boyfriend, right?" I did not know that.
I shrugged. "I don't mind." I said nonchalantly.
"Okay." She said with a smile, popping another bubble.
So easy.
I led her towards the boys bathroom, locking the door behind us so nobody could walk in on us. It wasn't the most pleasant place and the smelt like stale piss but I'm not going for romance here so it will do. Besides it's unsanitary to eat in the bathroom, so maybe she'll finally lose the gum.
Prepare for her touch Liam.
She grabbed me tightly by my shoulders, my breath hitched a little but it was un-noticeable. She tried to launch her lips towards me but I threw my head towards her neck, opting to plant feather soft pecks down her neck instead.
"You smell so good." She said loudly.
Yeah, that's because I wash myself a thousand times in the shower trying to get rid of the dirt, trying to get rid of the nightmares and bad memories. Hoping they will sliver down the drain with the excess water and soap. Don't think about that, she's meant to be your distraction.
When she smiles at me it makes me feel like I'm floating, cute dimples on either side of her smile and perfect teeth that gleam through the darkness, my darkness. Her soul peering eyes that shine bright in different shades of green like diamonds. The way her golden hair falls delicately against the perfect bulge of her breasts.
I felt my body tightening, climbing higher to my climax as I focused my mind on the one girl I truly wanted to be distracted with. "Olivia" In my moment of release I felt the word leave my lips, loud enough to be heard by Jemma.
Shit.
She looked up at me with the biggest frown on her face. I slipped away from her, clearing a welcome space between us and rubbed the back of my neck.
"It's Jemma." she corrected with a displeasing tone.
"Oh. Thought your name was Olivia." I tried remain as impassive as possible but my heart was doing back flips that I had just been caught out. Jemma's mouth dropped open a little but then she gathered herself and left in a huff.
I couldn't stop a little chuckle escaping my lips. I chewed down on my index finger to keep it contained. I can't believe I just did that.
***
My favorite lesson of the day, psychology. I sat in my seat waiting patiently for her to arrive as my nerves flustered up a storm inside just knowing she was on her way. This was it, the first time seeing her since deciding I was no longer going to be a dick to her. I was excited.
She walked into the classroom with a heavy foot and plonked herself down in the seat next to me, not looking at me or making any attempts to talk to me. She wore a deep scowl on her face and focused her attention on Mr Hibbert at the front of the classroom. Something was wrong.
Every now and again she would release a frustrated sigh and coldness radiated from her. I started questioning if it was me and what I could have done to make her mad but my mind was drawing a blank. Finally I couldn't take the cold shoulder any longer, I needed to ask her what was up.
"What's eating your ass?"
"Nothing, I'm fine." she replied with an aggressive tone.
She clearly wasn't fine but I didn't want to question her any further. I knew how it felt to not be fine and not walk to talk about. She needed me to lighten the mood, this time she needed to forget. I rubbed the back of my neck thinking what to say next and then it came to me.
"What kind of underwear do you think Mr Hibbert is wearing?"
She immediately turned to face me with wide eyes illuminated with a shocked expression, I couldn't stop myself from smiling like a Cheshire cat at her reaction. It was working. Her eyes darted towards our teacher, she was really taking him in.
He was a short man who didn't have many hairs on his head, just a sliver of grey hairs around the sides. The top shined against the ceiling light though. He had a kind face with permanently red chubby cheeks. His body was also plump and he dressed appropriately for his generation, brown knitted cardigan and formal grey trousers. She didn't answer my question but I could see in her face that she was giving it some thought.
"I mean, personally I don't think he would wear boxer shorts. Cause if you think about it, right, he's a small guy so I don't think he would have much to fill the boxers."
Her face beamed with a natural smile that made my insides come alive, when she released a small giggle I could feel the butterflies banging against the walls of my interior, trying to escape. In that moment it was happiness, or the closest to happiness I'll ever get.
But then I felt a sharp dig to my gut and on instinct I jumped back in my seat, away from her touch. She had playfully hit me with her elbow and I had just reacted like she pushed a knife through my flesh. The smile and happiness I felt moments ago had melted away, so had hers. She noticed me struggling with my darkness.
Why are you like this Liam, God Damnit!
I closed my eyes for a split second, concentrating on regulating my breathing and swallowing down my fear. After not to long I reopened my eyes to see the confusion on her face. I offered her a small smile in a failed attempt at playing down what just happened.
"So Y-fronts. I reckon dirty white because his little chunky arms are too short to fully wipe properly so he gets left with marks."
Please don't ask me any questions about what just happened. Just move past it Olivia.
She hesitated before she answered.
"Nah. I think he's wearing a thong. Black and leather. Because deep down he is a kinky son of a bitch. I mean, do you not remember the handcuffs?"
An uncontrollable laughter escaped my lips, and hers and we attracted attention from all around the room but I didn't care. I loved making her laugh, I loved seeing the light beam from her as her vibrant emerald eyes told everyone about the happiness she felt inside. I loved seeing her cute nose crinkle when she laughed and I loved being close enough to count four wrinkles on each side. I loved those dimples, and I loved knowing that I made her smile big enough to see her wisdom teeth right at the back. I loved how she took away my darkness and made me forget about everything. I love ... her.
Get over it Liam, it can't happen.
We spent the rest of the lesson trying to stifle our laughter, sometimes we would rein it under control but one glance at each other would set us off all over again. I'm pretty sure Mr Hibbert was officially about to lose his shit with us when we got saved by the last bell. I wanted more than anything to linger back with her but I needed to get to the locker rooms and change for soccer practice before anyone else got there.
So I quickly said my goodbyes and we parted ways.