L I S A
"what? is it true lisa? is it true that you fell in love with jennie from then until now?"
why should i lie? what is the point of lying when jennie already heard his question.
I have no plan of telling jennie how i feel for her, how my heart beats only for her, and how much i love her.
I don't want to ruin our relationship and i don't want anything to change between us.
I don't want to ruin her relationship with kai, so i have no intention of saying how i feel and just keep it in myself.
I wasn't the one who said it, but the person i told how i felt that night,
in the middle of the dark forest,
he promised me he would not tell her.
But he still did.
it was hard to hide, but when the words that i was afraid to get out from my chest came out of his mouth, he said it so easily when it's hard for me.
is this his plan?
why?
and why did he do this to me?
why kim jongin?
"You're right," i said with a shaky voice. "I have been in love with jennie since then. From the first time and the moment she smiled at me, i knew she was the person i wanted to hold, appreciate, and keep forever." i added.
my lips quiver as i looked down.
"lisa---" i cutted jennie off.
i slowly look at her while smiling painfully. when our eyes met, my heart ache when i saw pain settled in her dark eyes.
"I know i told you that taehyung is my first love. That's true, but during the days and nights you were by my side, please believe me that i tried myself hard to stop my heart from beating fast because of you. "
my breath hitch.
"but whatever i do, this heart, it doesn't stop beating for you, jennie."
"It only beats for you."
"lisa, please stop---" i cutted her off again by standing up infront of her with tearful eyes.
"I love you, but you didn't feel or see that. I have been loving you for the past few years, since then and until now. I never stopped loving you, and i don't think i can stop myself from loving you, jennie." i said in a cracked tone.
a stray tear slip from her eyes. I just smiled while looking down at her.
"A few years ago, i secretly love you, and during those years, i was also hurting every day. I felt myself dying every time i see you happy with him. that i know that one day, even if i am no longer by your side, you will be fine without me. "
"stop it," she whispered brokenly as she slowly stood up. my lips tremble while looking at her as tears began to trickle down her face.
i hadn't realized i was crying as well until i felt my tears slowly falling on my cheek.
"I didn't regret falling for you, because i didn't regret loving you. Even though i want you to be mine, I can't. because i would rather see you happy in his arms than.."
"Lisa, please don't." I heard jisoo say.
I slowly closed my eyes as i gritted my teeth while sobbing, clenching my fist because i couldn't tell her the reason.
"I don't want to hurt you, jennie. sorry if i fall in love with you. I love you, so i will endure all the pain i feel as long as i just see you happy." i mumbled.
"I love you, but you love him the most." i breathe out as i slowly opened my eyes.
She was just looking at me with her eyes full of pain. I smiled and sob.
"I love you, but you don't have to love me back."
"I love you, but i don't want anything to change between the two of us."
"I love you, but i want you to be happy with him."
"I love you, jennie." i softly uttered. my hands fiddled to my side, i wanted to hold her but i knew she wouldn't allow it. if i touched her in anyway, i would break again.
"so much that it hurts."
jennie opened her mouth and was about to speak when krystal's voice cutted her off.
"now that lisa has confessed, why don't you tell them our secret that we have been hiding for a long time kai?" krystal asked kai seductively.
i froze and jennie stiffened. i scrunched my eyebrow in confusion.
"What secret?" i ask.
the room fell silence again. they remain silent while waiting for kai and krystal to speak.
"krystal and i, we started dating each other again."
they gasp. i slowly lifted my head and turned around to face him with so much confusion swarming in my eyes.
how? and when?
"I don't remember you and jennie breaking up, kai." i calmly said while looking at him.
"Jennie and i haven't had a break up yet, because i'm just going to do that now." he stated coldly.
"you can't do this to jennie, oppa." i said with gritted teeth.
"I can, because that's my decision." he hissed out.
"but you can't be the only one to decide your relationship ----"
he slammed the side of his fist on the table and gritted his teeth. we gasp and i jumped backwards, placing my hand over my heaving chest.
I felt jennie's hand grip on my waist, but i didn't look at her because i kept looking at jongin who was now looking at me with angry eyes as a storm.
his eyes were dark and cold as he stared at me. I don't know what's the reason why he suddenly acted like this to me. We were fine yesterday, but what is happening to him and why is he like this?
"for fuck's sake lisa! isn't it enough that i let jennie go for you?! isn't it enough that i'm doing this for you ?!" he shouted.
i clenched my eyes tight and flinched towards the hate on his voice. my lips were quivering and my body was radiating vulnerability.
"I didn't tell you to let her go, i didn't say you had to break up with jennie and find someone else just because of how i feel about jennie, oppa."
"Don't you understand ?! I'm doing this for you, because even if jennie stays next to me, the person who is important to me will disappear. why don't you understand me and just thank me ?!"
i laughed in the most degrading way, "thank you?" i furiously rubbed my face in frustration. "you want me to thank you? how can i thank you if what you are doing right now is hurting me?! you are ruining everything i planned and whatever you do or say is not enough to let jennie go!" i shouted back.
"I love krystal, and i don't love jennie anymore!" he yelled.
jennie lowered her head as the living room grew silent and eyes shifted on her.
"you don't mean that. please, don't do this oppa." i said with pleading eyes. he let out a long tired breath before looking away and trying to walk away from us. but before his feet could even touch and step the floor, i swiftly took his hand. "jongin look at me and tell me you didn't mean this!" i shouted out.
"Is it hard to understand that this is the only way i know so that you do not leave us?! Is it difficult to understand that i am doing this because i can't loose you?! " he shouted angrily as he harshly pulled away his hand on mine.
"you don't understand me!" i shouted back.
"you will leave me Lisa?" jennie asked brokenly.
I placed my hand over my chest when i felt my heart ache and i felt i could not breathe. breathing heavingly, i took in a sharp breath. my eyes shut tight and had more tears slipping down my eyes.
I can't look at jennie, because i don't know what to say and how to explain this.
"i-i don't want to loose you, lisa." he said. and with my silence, he whispered, "I don't want you to leave her."
i opened my eyes and i saw him walking away from us.
before i could walk to chase him, jennie held my wrist that make me stop from taking a step.
"Lisa? Is what jongin said is true? you're going to leave me?" she whispered. her voice broke, it sounded vulnerable and scared.
i was hurt because i was the reason she was scared and afraid.
but i need to talk to kai first, i need to fix this.
"i need to follow your boyfriend jennie, please." i begged. my voice was laced in desperation.
i slowly removed my hand from her grip and i was about to walk away when jennie rushed around me and stood infront of me.
"Answer my question first, Lisa. Will you leave me again for the second time?" she asked barely in a whisper. i closed my eyes and gritted my teeth, the pain was surging through my heart.
"I will not leave you. As long as you see me, as long as you are with me, and as long as i live, i promised you that i will never not leave your side."
"You need to promise, Lisa."
I slowly opened my eyes and smiled sadly at her. "I promise."
I took a deep breath before walking away from her.
I need to fix this.
--------
"What? Now you will avoid me after you say that in front of them?!" i hissed out. jongin winced in my tone. after i looked around the resort to find him and saw him in the pool area, i had immediately snatched his arm and dragged him into the garden of our resort.
"You can't break up with jennie just for the reason that i'm leaving!" i pointed out angrily. jongin groaned in frustration and began to pace around,
"Why don't you just be happy that i'm the one who's making the way for you two to be together!" he shouted in irritation. i looked at him in bewilderment,
"I don't need your help. I told you from the beginning not to hurt jennie! I told you that you should stay with her now that you found out that i am in love with my bestfriend! why you didn't follow that?!"
he laughed sarcastically and clenched his jaw, "do you think she will still choose me when you leave her? you know what happened to her before when you suddenly told her you will never come back to her! I don't want to see her being devastated again lisa."
"You don't understand, kai." I stated coldly. he stopped in his tracks and look at me without emotion,
"Maybe i don't understand you, because i don't know why you have to leave without saying goodbye to the person who loves you, all you did was to leave in our lives and never come back." he said humorlessly with unfamiliar sound of pain.
"I didn't want to leave you then, and i also didn't want to leave you now. I don't want to, but i need to kai."
he widened his eyes, my eyes were brimming and my lips were quivering in panticipation. fear was radiating off my face.
"I have no choice, but to leave you all eventually." i said barely in a whisper.
kai frowned at that and a flicker of pain appeared in his eyes. and, only this time he didn't try to hide it.
"we all have a choice lisa, we make our decisions in life! what do you mean you have no choice-----"
"because i'm not the one who's holding my life!" i shouted.
"you were never going to tell me the truth, were you?"
i closed my eyes as my skin prickled with just the sound of her voice echoing all around. my hand that held my dress tightened the moment my heart processed the pain in her voice.
she heard.
she heard everything I said.
"jennie," i whispered. the garden grew silent and all that could be heard was the breeze. i bit my lip hearing jennie let out a shaky breath,
"You promised me, but in the end you will still leave me as you did before."
I took a deep breath and slowly turned to face her. i had to clenched my jaw shut because if i didn't a pathetic whimper would've escaped seeing jennie's broken and tearful eyes.
"I'm sorry, jennie."
jennie looked away as more tears continue to slip through her clenched eyes. she was trembling.
"You broke your promise, Lisa." she said without looking at me.
"i have to," i said. my tone was laced with pain. and without my consent, stray tears escaped my eyes as all the pain came rushing back like a train. my chest tightened as our surroundings were now echoing with our silent cries.
i stepped forward and watched jennie march her way towards me and slapped me hard on my face. i could feel a painful sting on my right cheek as if it's burning.
"jennie!" I heard everyone shout at the same time.
I didn't realize that everyone was already in the garden and looking at me. i ignored it because what is important to me now is jennie.
i was about to speak when her fists landed softly on my body. she punched me multiple times on my chest.
i could her jennie's sobbing while landing her fists on my chest,
I am not hurt because of that.
but it hurts me to see her on this kind of state.
"jennie." i called her softly. but she didn't listen as she kept punching me.
"I hate you, Lisa." jennie said, her voice cracked.
kai immediately walked closer to jennie as he wrapped his arm around jennie's waist. caughting her waist as he pulled her away from me.
"i hate you, you said you won't leave me. why do you have to leave lisa?! why?!" jennie started to cried again, loudly.
"i'm .." i sobbed, "i'm sorry jennie. i'm so sorry."
"I hate you so much." she stated.
and that's when fear grew in my eyes and my eyes shattered when seeing her eyes looking at me with so much pain.
"I hate you for hurting me so much. Please don't leave me. Please stay." she said brokenly.
more tears escaped my eyes and a sob left my lips.
I want her to understand me.
but we are already hurting each other.
Is this what will happen to the two of us?
will i die knowing she hates me?
Will i die without seeing the two of us not okay?
will i die without seeing her smile for the last time?
i gripped the hem of my dress, panting quietly. my body began to tremble and my eyesight began to blur.
"I love you jennie." I said in a cracked tone.
"I still want to be with you, i still want to see your future with me. it hurts so much that i can't do anything but to leave you someday." i whispered.
"I'm tired physically and emotionally, but i did everything for you just to make you happy. Even though what you always did to me was to hurt me over and over again, i didn't mind because i would put you first than myself." i said brokenly.
my breathing grew heavier, but i still manage to smile at her sadly while my tears continue to drip down my cheeks.
"I just want you to understand me because i need you so much that you're the only one who i want to lean on when i'm losing my strength." my breathe hitch. i couldn't seem to steady my breathing, i was suffocating.
"I love you jennie, so much that it hurts." i whispered and sob.
the whole area was spinning, the pain, it was too much.
"So please stay with me while i still have time."
it was paralyzing and i desperately need to escape. I feel so dizzy, i want to vomit.
"I don't want to leave without making sure you're happy and we're both okay."
i couldn't breathe.
"I don't want to die without spending my last month without you by my side."
jennie.
"Don't leave me, now that i need you to stay by my side the most."
It hurts so much.
suddenly, everything turns black.
"oh my God, Lisa!!"
Jennie, i'm sorry.
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reminder: if you are going to read this, you should play the songs I put in each chapter while reading.
author's note:
-I'll try my best to update every day, so please vote for my story!
-i really am sorry because i really tried my best to update as soon as possible, but i'm just so busy these past few days. I hope you all understand.
-take care guys!