I shuttered and squeezed my eyes shut. I traced the halls of the hospital in my mind, and came to the conclusion that I had to get across. This was the only way to Derek's office. There was no one around me, I was safe, I was fine. I tried to push the images out of my head and focus on my breathing. I had to calm myself down. After a few minutes, I felt my heart rate come back down to normal.
Slowly, I took steps across the catwalk. The police tape and blood stain from my husband were gone. It was clean, it was normal. Only it wasn't normal. And it was probably never going to be normal again.
I started quickening my pace, until I was at a run. I sprinted across the catwalk, not wanting to be there for any longer than I had to. Finally, I reached the office. I opened the door and slammed it behind me, pressing my back to it and breathing heavily, trying again to calm down.
Once I had collected myself, I found a box and started slowly packing things off Derek's desk into it. A picture of his family, and a few of me. I looked at them for a long moment before packing them away, taking in how happy we looked. I wondered if we would ever be like that again.
When the top of his desk was cleared, I opened the drawers and started to empty them as well. I found mostly supplies and random little things. In the last drawer, there was a bag with a change of clothes, a toothbrush, and a razor in it. I smiled, knowing he would appreciate these.
I sighed and picked up the box, now heavy with his belongings and walked out of the office, leaving the door open behind me. I shut my eyes and walked alongside the railing of the catwalk at a fast pace. I couldn't even manage a glance at the ground where Derek had been. When I reached the elevator, I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding, but my heart was still pounding.
Eventually I reached Derek's room, which was empty now except for him, laying in his bed staring at the ceiling.
I shut the door behind me when I walked in, drawing his attention. I set his things down on a small table that was also in the room and turned to face him. He frowned, looking into my eyes. I was sure the fear was still present, no matter how badly I wanted to or tried to hide it.
Derek opened his mouth to ask me something, probably what was wrong, but before he could ask I cut him off.
"The catwalk," I managed.
His face softened, and he shifted in his bed, patting the now open spot next to him for me to sit down. I obeyed, and cuddled against him.
"The only way I could get to your office was by crossing the catwalk," I whispered as he stroked my hair.
"But you did it."
"Barley. I almost had a panic attack right then and there," I admitted.
The arm he had wrapped around my squeezed, pulling me in closer.
"But you didn't. You calmed yourself down, and you did it," I could feel him smiling.
I took a deep breath, not responding. Talking was hard. It was all hard. Growing up, no one had really cared about my feelings, so I learned to push them back down or conceal them, and I was pretty damn good at it, except for when it came to Derek or Christina.
He pressed a kiss on my forehead, and I felt his stubble.
"You need a shave," I giggled.
"I know, I know. Sorry," he laughed back.
I pulled myself from his arms, fishing the bag with his clothes in it out of the box of belongings I had retrieved for him.
"Clothes, toothbrush, razor," As I listed the contents of the bad, the smile on his face grew.
"Thank you," he said, and despite his smile his eyes were sincere. He understood how hard it had been for me. That was one of the firsts for someone in my life.
"You smell. Are you up for a shower?" I asked.
"I can get up to pee, so I think I'll make it in the shower, although I might need some help," he admitted.
Immediately, my mind went to what usually happened when we showered together, but I pushed those thoughts away. I couldn't prevent a guilty smile for having them in the first place from appearing on my face.
He smirked at me, knowing exactly what I was thinking about but I shook my head at him.
"Of course," I said, opening the door to the bathroom and turning on the shower. It wasn't often he asked for help so casually.
It had been a week, so the sutures were out of his chest, and if he could make it through the shower, shave, and get dressed, he was ready to be discharged. I had already taken a week off so I could be there with him when he first got home, but after that I needed to return to the hospital.
I turned around to help him out of bed, but he was already there in the doorway. I smiled and shut the door behind us, undressing him and myself before getting us into the shower, where I started to wash his body.
After the shower, we had both gotten dressed again and were standing over the sink, still in the bathroom. He had combed his hair and brushed his teeth, and had moved onto shaving. My stubborn husband wouldn't let me do it, he had to do it all himself. So I leaned against the wall, watching him. When he finished shaving successfully, he cast me a sly smirk.
I just shook my head at him and watched as he climbed back into bed, insisting he do it on his own. I sat down in the chair next to him, and he laid on his side to we were facing each other.
"I miss sex," I sighed. I felt my eyes widen and I quickly threw a hand over my mouth, not realizing how the words I was thinking had escaped my lips. "Sorry, I did not mean to-"
Derek cut me off with a laugh.
"Well, I'm exhausted right now but you could hop on and do all the work," he offered, throwing the blankets that were covering his legs off.
"Derek! No!" I squealed, unable to stifle my laughter as well.
"How are we doing in here?" Called Cristina as she opened the door to the hospital room.
Teddy followed her in, smiling.
"He finally showered," I announced.
"And shaved," he added, running his fingers across his chin.
Cristina smiled and checked his vitals. She moved to look at the scar on his chest, and I looked away, hoping no one would notice. I couldn't look at the scar.
"Everything seems to be healing well, so I think you can be discharged tomorrow afternoon. As long as everything stays looking this good," Cristina informed us, earning a nod from Teddy.
"Finally!" Derek exclaimed.
"Mostly bedrest for the first few days, you can get up to shower or move around your room, but nothing more. After that, start doing light things around the house,"
"Light things," Teddy emphasized.
Derek chuckled when I gave him a stern glance after hearing this.
"After a week, Meredith will be back at work so you will have to do everything for yourself around the house. You can start going for walks around the street or getting light exercise, and that's when physical therapy starts,"
"So when can I come back to work?" Derek asks eagerly.
"As soon as you physical therapist clears you,"
Derek groaned, "How long do you expect that to take? Three weeks?"
"Three or four. Maybe more. But you should get back to full strength and rang of motion in about four," Cristina said.
"Back to normal. Sounds like a dream," I murmured, not realizing Derek could hear me.
He grabbed my hand and squeezed it, and Cristina rolled her eyes.
"Alright, I think that's everything Dr. Yang, lets leave these two alone." Teddy said, starting out the door.
Cristina nodded at me and the doctors exited the room, shutting the door behind them.
"You must be tired, get some rest," I told Derek.
He nodded and closed his eyes, and within a few minutes his breathing evened out and I could tell he was asleep. I leaned back in the chair, sighing. Soon we would be back home, one step closer to normal.