Warning: Contains suicidal thoughts and suicide attempt
---
"Remus hadn't spoken to you?"
"No."
"Why?"
"I don't know. I should've talked to him. I noticed was wrong. I should've said something."
"It's not your fault. You never would have guessed he would do something like this."
∞-∞-∞
Remus hadn't spoken to Myra. He hadn't said one word. It had been a week and he still didn't say anything to Myra. He believed that it was better. She wouldn't be hurt any more than she has already. Remus felt like she should move on.
He wasn't something worth worrying over.
∞-∞-∞
The school year was approaching its end and the students were chattering excitedly about plans for the summer. Vacations to the mountains, visiting old relatives, what have you. Myra couldn't bring herself to talk about her upcoming summer. She wasn't sure what was going to happen.
She knew that she didn't want to go back. That dark place. She just wasn't sure if the Potter's wanted her back. It would make sense. A long-lost niece who randomly turned up after living with the Lestranges. It didn't make sense. She understood their suspicions.
"You're coming back, right?" James' voice woke her from her stupor in the Great Hall.
"I"m sorry?"
"To my place. Mum and Dad already set up your room. Mum said that she changed the sheets to your favorite color. Dad said he was starting on this new project but I don't know what it is. He said that we could help once we get there."
Myra stammered, opening and closing her mouth with no sound coming through. She cleared her throat before speaking again.
"I can go back?" James gave her a confused look.
"Of course. Why? Did you think they hated you?" She looked back to her plate, moving a pile of beans to the side, "Myra, you're like their new daughter. I feel pushed aside."
"Sorry."
"It was a compliment." He sighed and placed an arm around her shoulders. She tensed slightly, her anxiety coming into play.
"Myra, are you okay?"
"Of course. Why?"
"You seem stressed and sad," James lowered his voice, his eyes darting across the table, "Is it about Remus? Because I called him a few choice words after he told me what he did. Should I do anything more? I can, if you want me to."
She shook her head wildly. Myra didn't understand why he was risking his entire, five years of friendship over her. It made her feel even more guilty than she did before. Her existence was poison to others.
"No, you didn't have to do that. Everything was fine."
"Okay. If that's how you feel, fine." James got up and went back to his friends. He briefly turned back to Myra, "Just remember that I'm trying to help you."
I know.
∞-∞-∞
!!xXx!!
Remus didn't know when his thoughts started taking a turn for the worse. He didn't know when he started looking at the razor in hope or looking down the grass fields to the Lake in despair. He never thought that it would go that far. He never knew his mind was that unstable.
He started isolating himself from his friends. He was a monster. He didn't deserve those friends. They should find new, better ones. He was horrible.
Myra should find someone new. Someone better. Someone who would treat her like the goddess she is. He couldn't give her that. He knew he couldn't. She would have had so many troubles if they kept the relationship going. He could see that now.
"Moony, we're going to set up the end-of-the-year prank. Are you coming?"
"No Peter. I'm feeling a bit tired."
"Okay. See you at dinner."
"See you."
!!xXx!!
∞-∞-∞
Myra watched Remus sadly as he moved through the Great Hall. His graceful body floating through the tables, smoothly sitting on the benches, hands carefully pulling some fruits. She watched in dismay as he avoided her gaze. She knew that he saw her. She knew that he chose to ignore her.
It was like everything between them evaporated into nothing, like what happened between them never existed. They were back to square one. Myra wondered if he was ever going to speak to her. She figured that he thought she was too annoying to be around. That's fair. It was her fault, anyway.
"Why don't you talk to him?" Marlene asked. She shook her head. They still didn't know the whole story. She wasn't sure if they should know. They might make a big deal out of something very straightforward.
"It's fine."
∞-∞-∞
You had to live under a rock to not hear the rumors about them. They were everywhere. Filled every crevice and consumed every brain.
'Did you hear?'
'Apparently, they broke up.'
'Are you sure?'
'David said they got sick of each other.'
'Bianca told Michelle who told me that Remus cheated on her.'
'Remus Lupin?'
'Kevin said that they had sex.'
'Ollie saw them arguing in the Common Room.'
'Charlotte said...'
'Roxanne told me...'
'Westley said...'
'According to Amanda...'
'They are definitely not together.'
'Why?'
'I don't know. Ask them if you're that persistent.'
No one was sure who came up with what and when they appeared. The rumors just erupted. One day, normal, school silence. The next, people hounded Myra about their relationship and the halls screamed with the number of people talking about the one topic.
Myra couldn't even wonder why so many people were interested in their relationship. She was too busy trying to manage her own heartache and having these rumors clawing at her insides wouldn't help. She ignored them the best she could and pushed through her life at school.
Myra could tell that the professors knew something was happening. They kept giving her pitied glances and rarely making her speak up in class. Professor Flitwick even left a bar of chocolate on her table. She knew that he left one on Remus' table as well. She didn't eat her chocolate. She asked Sirius to keep this on Remus' bed but told him not to tell Remus where it came from.
No matter what happened, no matter how it made her feel, Myra still cared for Remus and she wasn't sure if she was supposed to.
∞-∞-∞
Something happened with Remus. Something he wasn't showing anyone. Myra could tell. Something was going on through his head that he didn't want anyone to find out about. His actions were more cautious, he never spoke up, he never even looked up. His hands were constantly moving and he didn't seem to acknowledge anyone.
She didn't know what to make of the change. She wasn't sure if it was for the better or worse. One small, nagging part in her insisted that Remus was screaming for help but, at this point, she wasn't sure. Myra didn't know what he would think if she went up to him and asked what was wrong. She didn't know if he would be angry at her again or not.
Myra decided to ignore that part. It was probably making a scene out of nothing. Remus was probably fine. He will be fine.
He'll be okay. I know it. He's Remus. If he's not okay, then I'm not sure if this world is good.
∞-∞-∞
!!xXx!!
Remus wasn't sure about the world. He didn't know why he couldn't build up the courage to talk to Myra, to settle the fight, to calm everything down. He couldn't even muster enough strength to look her in the eye without looking away. It was pathetic.
I'm pathetic.
He knew that James, Sirius, and Peter all thought that something was wrong with him. He always caught their concern and worry in the dorm room after curfew. He could hear them whispering in the middle of the night only to stop when he asked why they were still up.
Remus knew that nothing was wrong with him. He was just realizing all the truths that had been put in front of him, all the lies he had pushed aside.
He would deal with them accordingly.
!!xXx!!
∞-∞-∞
Myra counted the days she had seen Remus in this stupor. Two days blended into four with blended into six. He never seemed to be getting better. Only worse. She knew that something was wrong.
"James?" He looked up from his parchment.
"Yeah?"
"I need to talk to you and Sirius about Remus." His expression grew serious as he whistled across the Common Room to Sirius. He left the girl he had been talking to and hurried to their side.
"What is it?"
"Myra wants to talk about Remus." They looked at her and she held her hands behind her back.
"There's something wrong with him." They exchanged glances.
"We know," Sirius said, "We can't seem to get it out of him." She shook her head.
"Not that type of wrong. Something else. Something deeper."
"Do you want to talk to him?"
"No. I don't want to make things worse."
"You never make things worse. Not with him."
"I did last time. I kept pushing and pushing. It was my fault I didn't stop before." James rolled his eyes.
"Right. Okay. I already gave him a talking to. If it really was your fault, I'd have to give you a talking to as well." Myra looked down and shifted her feet.
"Well, that's what I wanted to tell you. I have to go now."
Myra saw Remus only a few more times that week. She wished she knew what was going on. She wished she could help him.
∞-∞-∞
!!xXx!!
His head was barely big enough to think about these things. They kept overflowing and his actions soon followed his mind. Small cuts came on his arm, too delicate-looking to be from a werewolf's claw. Remus knew that this would backfire on him.
He couldn't help it. His emotions were becoming too much to handle. He needed a vent. He needed to get it out. His desire to hurt himself rose. He couldn't control it. He didn't want to hurt anyone else. He couldn't.
Remus wasn't sure if he wanted to stay in this world. He wasn't sure if he was enough for it. He knew he wasn't enough for Myra. What was the point if he couldn't have her? What was the point if he left his friends? It was his fault.
Everything was his fault. Absolutely everything. There was only one solution.
He had to remove himself from the world.
!!xXx!!
∞-∞-∞
Myra had left her thoughts of Remus as far as she could. It wasn't that far, however. It always crept up to her. She distracted herself from her thoughts by hanging around her friends, talking with Regulus, practicing spells, whatever she found. Her art supplies were tucked under her bed and she had no intention of taking them out again.
The evening before they left, Myra was in the Common Room, reading a book. She had finished packing her bags and only had to stuff her toothbrush in the morning.
She had relaxed as much as she could. It had been some time since she had read and she immediately fell into her comfortable position, her book on her lap, elbow resting on the armrest, legs tucked under her body. Myra flipped through the pages slowly, carefully reading each word.
Myra jumped as she heard feet stomping down the stairs of the boys' dormitories. Thinking it was some excited first year, she was surprised to hear the footsteps coming up to her. She closed her book and looked up. Sirius stood above her, a piece of parchment clenched tightly in his hands and eyebrows creased in worry.
"What happened?" She asked. Sirius bit his lip and shook his head, holding the parchment out. Confused, Myra took the parchment from him. Unfolding it, her eyes scanned over the ink-written letters. Her mind clicked the pieces together.
"Astronomy Tower."
Without looking to see if he was following, Myra sprinted through the corridors. It was well past the curfew as she bounded through the halls, her feet clacking against the stone. She didn't care. Tears started streaming from her eyes as she ran.
Why did he-
How can he think this?
Remus, you were supposed to be okay.
Myra took the stairs two, three at a time. She had to get there in time. She hoped she wasn't too late. She couldn't be. The ink was still wet when she read the letter. It was soon. He can't have been that long ago.
He can't have been...
Myra pushed the door of the bottom of the Astronomy Tower open, hearing Sirius slowing down behind her. She started taking the spiral staircase up, only one thing on her mind.
Please please please please please...
"It's locked!" She kicked at the door on the top of the stairs. Sirius pushed up her behind him.
"Alohamora!" The door opened with a click and Myra pushed past Sirius.
Remus was standing at the very edge, his head looking down, arms stuck at his side. His head turned when the door opened but he didn't move.
"Remus," Myra whispered, moving closer, "Please."
What broke her heart were the tears she saw slipping down his cheeks. He shook his head, not responding. He didn't move away from the edge. Her heart was gripped in panic in fear.
Please please please please please.
!!xXx!!
"Moony, don't jump." Sirius stated firmly, "I will find a way to resurrect you."
"I doubt that would go well." Remus cracked a smile but Myra could see his lip trembling. You're not moving. Move away from the ledge.
Myra stepped closer but stopped short. She saw Remus inch his foot over the line.
"Please don't," He said. His voice was so painful to hear. It was blank but Myra could hear the hidden emotion under it, "I want a few good last words."
"Remus, please don't," She begged, "It was my fault. Everything was my fault. You don't have to do this. You can come back inside and we can talk it out."
Remus turned around to her. Myra wanted so badly to walk over and wipe the tears away.
"It can't be helped, Myra," She felt a cold breeze hit her face, making her feel the tracks the tears had left, "It was all my fault."
"Bullshit, Moony!" Sirius yelled, "You could've talked to us. We would've listened." Remus sadly shook his head. She paid close attention to his feet. They hadn't moved any closer to the edge but they hadn't moved away.
"I never had the courage." He looked at Myra, tears glimmering in his eyes. He reached his hand out to her and it shook.
"It was never your fault."
Before she could even scream, Remus closed his eyes and leaned back.
!!xXx!!
∞-∞-∞
They never say what makes a Gryffindor a Gryffindor. They never say what makes a Slytherin a Slytherin. They say there is bravery, they say there is ambition. What if the bravery is for the wrong reasons? What if the ambition is for the right?
Myra never knew what her right reason was. She never knew her wrong reason either. All she knew was that she couldn't let Remus die. Not like this.
Myra ran to the edge, her hands fumbling for her wand. It's in the dorm. Her eyes followed Remus' falling body as it fell, almost fluttering down. He was wrapped in his cloak, his hair dancing in the wind rushing through it. The night sky made it hard for her to see him as he plunged through the air.
Desperate, she reached her hand out and squeezed her eyes close.
Aresto momentum. She thought. Aresto momentum. Aresto momentum! Her arm started shaking but she didn't dare open her eyes yet. Aresto momentum. Come on! Aresto Momentum!
ARESTO MOMENTUM!
Myra felt a hand on her shoulder and her eyes snapped open. Gasping and shaking, she looked over. Remus was laying on the ground, arms and legs splayed.
Tears fell. She sobbed, running down the stairs of the Tower. She had to get to him. She had to make sure he was alright. He might've survived. He might be okay. He could be fine. Remus could be fine.
Myra didn't even notice Sirius had disappeared. She didn't care. She had to get to Remus. He had to be okay. Remus is fine. Remus is fine. Remus is fine. Remus is fine.
He's fine he's fine he's fine he's fine he's fine he's fine.
Please be fine.
Myra ran across the grounds, circling the castle. The light of the silver moon was her only guiding light through the dark mass. She passed the spot by the lake where Remus found her after the failed exploration mission. That seems so long ago. She passed the tree where James had hexed Snape, leading to the fight which led to Remus-
No. Don't think about it. Just find him.
Myra approached the bottom of the Astronomy Tower. She slowed down, scanning the dark grass for a shine of bronze, the flap of a cloak, a flash of pearl white pajamas. Her eyes fell on a prone body lying about ten feet away from her.
With a cry, she fell to her feet, her hands scrambling to find his hand, his head. Her fingers found pale, still fingers. She clenched his hand tightly, rocking on her knees. She brushed his hair away, looking at his face. His eyes were closed and his face relaxed. He could have been sleeping if she ignored the thin stream of blood running from his nose.
Myra wiped away the blood and pressed two fingers to his neck. "Please. Please don't be dead, Remus. There's so much I haven't told you. You can't be dead." She sobbed. She could barely hear herself over the pounding in her head and her ragged breaths.
A faint beat reached her fingers, louder and harder than anything she'd ever felt. With a cry of happiness, she pressed his hand to her face. "You're okay."
A pounding of feet alerted her and she turned around. Sirius was running up to her with McGonagall and Madam Pomfrey following closely.
"He's alive," Myra weakly stated. Madam Pomfrey crouched down next to her, peering down on his face. McGonagall waved her wand and his body floated.
"Come. I have to treat him quickly or else there will be irreversible injuries."
Myra let go of his hand as the group ran through the halls. McGonagall and Madam Pomfrey were on either side of Remus and Myra and Sirius behind them.
"You can heal him, right Poppy?" Sirius asked.
"If we get there quickly, then yes," She opened the door of the Hospital Wing and gestured for McGonagall to bring him inside. Myra watched her carefully place him down on an empty bed, "But you two must wait outside."
Before she could protest, Madam Pomfrey shut the door in front of her and she heard the slide of a lock.
Myra tiredly sat down across from the door, her back leaning against the stone wall. Sirius sat down heavily next to her, his head in his hands. After a few minutes, he spoke up.
"Remus hadn't spoken to you?"
"No."
"Why?"
"I don't know. I should've talked to him. I noticed was wrong. I should've said something."
"It's not your fault. You never would have guessed he would do something like this." Myra sat silently as she heard Madam Pomfrey move around inside.
"He'll be alright, right?" She asked softly. Sirius shrugged.
"I don't know. But I trust Poppy's healing abilities."
They sat there for what seemed like hours in silence. Myra waited patiently for Madame Pomfrey to tell them they could go inside. Her head was dominated by one thought and one thought only.
Remus will be okay.
There was a rustle as Madame Pomfrey opened the door. She poked her head outside and spoke to the pair sitting across from her. She didn't seem surprised that they were there.
"You can come in, but be quiet. He's resting." She opened the door wider for Myra and Sirius.
Myra's eyes focused on the occupied bed, her legs taking her to the bedside where two chairs had been set up. She sat down in one chair and Sirius stood on the other side of the bed. Myra held his hand and let her fingers trace his knuckles.
"I'm going to go back and tell James and Peter. Are you going to stay here?" He asked as if he already knew the answer.
"Yes. I'm not leaving him alone. Not this time."
When Sirius left, she allowed herself to let a few tears fall. Her grip on his hand tightened and she sniffled.
"I'm so sorry Remus," She whispered in case Madam Pomfrey was near, "I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed the support and I'm sorry that I let this entire thing happen anyway." She wiped her nose on the shoulder of her robe.
"I was too cowardly to come up to you. I made assumptions about how you felt without even talking to you. I was so horrible to you. I ignored you but I still wanted to talk to you. I just wish that I could've said one word to you. Just one. It might've made a difference.
"All of this is all my fault. I don't care if you say otherwise. It's my fault and you know it. I was the one that pushed you on that day even though I knew I shouldn't have. I was the one who ignored you. I was the one who pushed you away.
"I hope you don't think it's your fault. I really really do. It wouldn't be fair. To have you go through all of this and still think it's your fault. You can't have that. I refuse for that to have that. It's all my fault. It will not be yours. I refuse it."
Myra wiped her eyes. It might have been her imagination but she felt the grip on her hand tighten just the slightest. She squeezed back anyway.
Just in case.
---
Guys, don't try to commit suicide. There's always a way out. I remember reading somewhere that some people conducted a survey of the survivors of people who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. They all said that they realized that they could solve most of their problems half-way down.
Don't do it.
Question of the day: Idk you guys. Ask me yours!