Myra didn't sleep that night. She stayed up in her bed and drew furiously in her sketchpad to the point her pencil was a small stub in her hand. She went through pages and pages until she reached the last one. It didn't bother her. She doubted that she would pick up the sketchbook again. This time it was a form of getting her emotions out. Next time, all she would see was the image of Remus in her subconscious.
Drawing reminded her of him. His face was so symmetrical, his eyes perfectly almond-shaped. It was hard not to think about drawing him. She wanted to perfect herself with his face, to memorize it.
She knew that it would be a while before she picked up her art materials.
Halfway through the night, Myra closed her blinds. It plunged the dorm into pitch-black. Stumbling, she made her way back to the bed and sat against the headboard, holding her lit wand in her teeth to see what she was doing.
The full moon had made her eyes sting.
Myra wondered if she should tell her friends (not Lily) about what happened. She probably should, but then Marlene would strike out against them. She remembered the prank in the Common Room very clearly. She didn't like how her existence seemed to cause all these problems.
Occasionally, her mind would wander. It would go back to the moment.
His wild eyes, his flushed face, his heavy breathing, his flared nostrils, his pressed lips, his teeth bared. Her wide eyes, her blanched face, her pathetic whimpers, her weak pushes, her tears, her cowardly squeaks.
There were so many parallels it scared her. Myra never realized them (at least, she never wanted to so she guessed she never did).
All of them screamed at her. All of them made her feel cowardly. All of them made her feel scared. All of them made her feel pathetic.
They all hurt her.
And she wasn't sure if she could forgive that.
∞-∞-∞
James and Sirius had dragged him out of his bed and pushed him through the corridors. He couldn't feel anything. His arms were dead weight. His legs could barely support his weight. He stumbled forward and Sirius had to hold the back of his collar to stop him from crashing into a stone statue. He was shoved back into Peter.
"What's going on with you?" James asked. Remus still hadn't told him, "Is it worse than usual?" He knew that Sirius' grip on his arm needn't be that tight.
"I hurt her," He mumbled, tears flooding his eyes at just the memory of it, "I hurt her."
"Hurt who?"
"Myra," He whispered. Remus saw James' face darken.
"We'll deal with that later," Remus felt his hands start twitching, "We need to get you down quickly."
They went through the familiar corridors. Only it didn't feel familiar. Not like before. He knew that he wouldn't hold Myra's face in his hands, wouldn't be able to give her a smile whenever he saw her, wouldn't be able to kiss her lips. Not now. Not when he needed her. Desperately needed her.
When they were in the safe confines of the Shrieking Shack, when his bones started rearranging, when grey fur started sprouting across his face and when waves of pain and agony started rolling over him, he didn't want it to stop. Remus knew that he deserved this fate. He knew that he shouldn't think of getting anything else.
Remus felt his body fully form into the wolf he knew was inside him. He could feel the wolf's mind around his own, but his thoughts were still painfully there. The wolf's gold eyes traced over the four animals standing in front of him and Remus could see his friends inside. The wolf let out a howl and the dog let out a following bark. The wolf scratched its arms and Remus felt the pain. The wolf bit into his leg and Remus allowed it. The other animals tried to stop but the wolf chased them away.
The wolf hurt Remus.
Remus let it.
He knew that he became a werewolf for a reason. He just wasn't sure why until now.
∞-∞-∞
The Transfiguration exam passed without a hitch. Myra felt like she got pretty good marks on it, despite getting no sleep, despite having her quill constantly trace off the page as her head drooped, despite having dozed off the minute she finished her paper.
She ignored the Marauders, treated them like the plague. She just followed Marlene everywhere. It was easier than she expected. It wasn't like they tried to talk to her. It fueled the idea that they didn't care about her as much as she did about them.
After the paper, Myra went with Marlene to the girls' bathroom so Marlene could touch up on her makeup before going on a date with Katherine.
"And are you sure you'll be alright?" She asked while applying mascara, "I can cancel and hang out with you."
"It's fine, Mar. There are only a few weeks left in school. You'll spend the entire next week packing."
"You're right," She hummed, "I'll still meet up with her during the holidays. I can't say the same for you, unfortunately." She turned to Myra, "I'm asking again. Are you sure..." Marlene trailed off, her eyes glancing at something behind Myra. She turned around and saw Lily standing in the doorway, her bag swinging in her hands.
"Can I talk to you two?"
"Sure." Myra ignored Marlene's glare as Lily took a deep breath.
"I'm so sorry," She looked down and shifted her stance, "I knew I was an idiot."
"That's one way of putting it," Marlene grouched, crossing her arms. Lily sighed.
"I know you guys were telling me to avoid the Slytherins and stop hanging out with Sev-Snape. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you," She took another deep breath, "When Snape called me that word, I wasn't sure what to do. I know that Ja-Potter tried to defend me. I know that I cut off my ties with Snape. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you."
"And?"
"And for blowing up on you after that prank on the Slytherins. And for ignoring you."
"Apology accepted," Marlene stated curtly before pulling Lily into a hug. Myra remained unmoved, watching the pair closely. Marlene backed away from Lily and Lily turned her eyes on Myra.
"What about you?" She asked, her voice breaking at the end. Myra gave her the biggest smile she could muster. After her fight with Remus, she hadn't seemed to make a real smile. She tried in the mirror in the morning as she got ready.
"Of course. I just needed Marlene to finish so I could tell you to your face."
Lily squealed and ran at Myra, her arms stretched out. Myra patted her back, her arms feeling heavy. She felt small drops on her shoulder. When Lily pulled away, she saw small tears running down her cheek. Myra delicately wiped them away with her thumb.
"What's wrong?" Lily sniffed.
"I just... The worst part is that I'd thought he had changed," She let out a small chuckle, but not one of mirth, "I let myself get close to him and then he does these things and pushes me away."
"It's in his nature, Lil. If you want to be with him, you have to accept that."
"I know, I know. It's probably because he pranked Snape. I was so protective of him for nothing. He doesn't even appreciate it. He doesn't acknowledge it. There's no point now."
"So you can forgive him?" Marlene asked, putting her hands on Lily's shoulders.
"Maybe. I'm not sure. It might take some time. I only just got to know him. I've known you two for much longer so I know that I was in the wrong."
The girls started walking back to the dorms. Myra kept her eyes on her shoes as they walked, afraid that if she looked up, she would see him everywhere. It wouldn't be the first time either.
Right after their fight, she used to see him everywhere. Around the corner, on the grounds, even in her dorm. She couldn't not see him. The exact same thing happened back in second year. She would see the Lestranges everywhere she went. Then, after some time, it stopped. Myra didn't remember how. She just remembered that she never saw anyone again. It must've been around the time of the second full moon. Myra knew that the second month of that year had been one of her most peaceful ones so far.
Myra hoped that these glimpses of Remus would stop soon. Even though her exams were over, the school still had a week left until she could go home. It honestly scared her, how these things happened. The Lestranges abuse her, she starts seeing them in school. Remus hurts her, she starts seeing him in places he shouldn't be.
Some parts of her wanted to apologize to him, apologize for making him so angry on the full moon and making him feel those things about her.
One thing she didn't understand was that if he felt those things, if he thought that she was stupid and had a thick skull, why didn't he break up with her? Why did he leave Myra thinking about all the things they've done together and all the happy moments they shared (or maybe she shared. Remus made it clear that he didn't like them as much as she did)? Why did he leave her like this?
"MYRA!" Marlene yelled, waving her hand in front of her face. She blinked herself out of her thoughts and looked around her. She realized that they had reached the Common Room without her realizing it. She glanced at Marlene before looking down.
"Yes?"
"Don't give me that look-"
"What's wrong?" Lily asked. Myra shook her head.
"Nothing. Why?"
"You-"
"You look fucking depressed. That's why." Count on Marlene to always make things clear in the bluntest way possible.
"Nothing happened," Myra insisted.
"Is it with Remus?"
"Did he do something?"
"Do I have to punch someone?"
Myra shook her head frantically.
"Nothing's wrong!" Her voice came out in a yell, louder than she had meant to. The entire Common Room looked at her in shock and surprise. Myra's eyes darted over the students before coming to a rest at the group by the bottom of the staircase leading to the boys' dormitories.
Remus had his eyes fixated on her, something filling in those brown eyes of his. She glanced at the trio behind him, looking at her in pity. I don't want it. She turned away from the prying eyes and hurried up to her own dorm.
No one was allowed to see her weakness.
∞-∞-∞
Lily exchanged a glance with Marlene as they watched Myra dash up the stairs. It was definitely something to do with Remus.
"So what do you think it is?" Lily whispered, her eyes on the group on the other side of the Common Room who still hadn't moved.
"They probably fought," Marlene stated, "It had to be something serious, though. She wouldn't have acted like that otherwise. After that last one, I think that anything that was mildly serious, she would've talked about it with him."
"Let's find out." Lily jerked her head to the group and Marlene nodded.
"My thoughts exactly."
As they walked to the other side of the Common Room, Lily saw James raise his hand to mess up his hair even more. She tried not to let it show that her heart gave a little skip as his hazel eyes glimmered in the firelight. She couldn't let it show. She had to remember what he did to Sev-Snape.
" 'Ello, Evans," James said cheerfully, "What brings you here today?"
"Myra," Marlene stated. Lily noted how Remus seemed to stiffen up at the mere mention of her name. Something definitely happened.
"Ah. Her," Sirius said. Lily narrowed her eyes. He looked slightly uncomfortable, shifting from foot to foot. Sirius Black was not known to be uncomfortable.
"What do you mean by 'her'?"
"He j-just means that 'o-oh. Her.' As in s-surprised," Peter stammered. Every one of them had their eyes trained on Remus who squirmed under the attention.
"What happened?" Marlene demanded. No one spoke, "If no one answers, I'm going to assume that Remus and Myra had a fight and they broke up."
"It wasn't like that!" Remus blurted. Lily shifted her attention back on him and noticed the grip he had on his bag and the wild panic in his eyes, "It wasn't like that."
"Then what happened?" Lily asked again. Remus adjusted his bag, a disgusted and horrified look appearing on his face, twisting his features.
"I hurt her," He whispered.
Again, no one spoke. Lily thought that the tension was rising so much that she could part through it with her own hand.
"I'm sorry, what did you say? I think I heard you wrong." Lily could tell that Marlene was trying very hard to hold herself together. Remus turned his back to them and Lily saw his shoulders start to shake. Sirius and James wrapped an arm each around Remus and Peter held all their bags.
"We'll talk later, Evans," James didn't even look back as the group went up the stairs. Lily furrowed her eyebrows as she watched them close the door behind them. She could feel Marlene silently fuming behind her.
"What do you think happened?"
"I think he hurt her. Simple."
"It can't be that simple. This is Remus Lupin we are talking about." Marlene started to walk away and Lily hurried after. Who knew what she would do alone?
"But you heard him. He hurt her."
"I think we're missing something. Remus would never willingly do something like this. Plus, I don't think he physically hurt her. She didn't look hurt." Marlene rolled her eyes.
"Please. Myra is a professional in hiding her emotions."
"I know. That's why I think it was more of a verbal hurt. I think he said something that made her... I don't know. But that's my theory."
"Then let's ask her."
∞-∞-∞
Remus was having the worst day ever. This includes the day of his first transformation.
Myra's presence followed him wherever he went. He knew she wasn't there. She couldn't be. It wasn't possible. But he couldn't find a way to explain the toppling guilt on him, the nausea, the headaches. He felt this during their first fight (that wasn't really a fight. More of a misunderstanding on Remus' part) but never to this extent. Probably because this was entirely his fault and Myra had no part in it. That was only a fraction of what he felt now.
Remus always felt like crying. It made him feel weak and pathetic but that's the truth. He couldn't shake the weight of what he had done. He knew that Myra must hate him now. There was no excuse for what he did.
"Mate! Moony! Come on! We're going down to the lake," James called out.
"We have to set up the prank." Sirius hefted a bag over his shoulder.
"It's going to be so c-cool!" Remus gave them a weak smile.
"I'll come down later."
"Okay. Come on, Pads, Wormy. We should get there soon."
After the transformation, when he left the Hospital Wing, James was there. He gave him such an earful about Myra and about how she trusted him. Remus knew that Myra had trust issues even before they officially met. There was a reason why she didn't have a friend group beyond Lily, Marlene, and Alice. There was a reason why she never spoke out or always sat at the back of the class.
Remus knew that he messed things up inside of her and that might not be easily fixed. He knew that just telling her that 'he regretted it' and 'he won't do it again' are just empty, generic words. They couldn't fully explain how he felt. Yes, he knew that he regretted it and, yes, he wouldn't do it again but it just wasn't the same. He needed to show her how this affected him without telling her about his 'furry little secret'.
Remus didn't know how to do this.
Remus was in over his head.
Remus had to fix this.
Remus didn't know how.
---
Question of the day: What is your favorite anything?