The sense of reality was never Kanae's favorite. However, it's what continued to keep her grounded to her feet, to keep her holding onto her Nichirin blade, and to keep her mentality level-headed. If she continuously stuck her head above the clouds, she may never face the truth and end up shaming her sister even more than she already had.
Reality... she had often questioned it countless of times. Was there a need to elaborate? The world swarmed by demons seemed fictional until it truly began and tainted the beautiful planet. How that childish fantasy became the harsh truth was unbelievable. But that's what reality meant. The world wasn't everything nice and neither were the creatures in it.
Her gentle hands wrapped around the hilt of the sword in her possession. The thin blade almost impossible to completely slice apart a demon's head or limbs at all. Shinobu's sword was one of a kind, and ultimately, what remained of her sister. Crafted uniquely to fit her sister and her strength, the manuever and technique behind it along with the conjunction of poisons in the shaft never ceased to amaze her.
Even when she wasn't around to create more...
A fond smile plastered itself on her lips as she reminisced the time she witnessed her younger sister's intelligent and creative working. She sheathed the sword back into the shaft, small turns clicking around meaning the different use of poison. The Flower Hashira meddled with her sister's sword and chemicals whenever the opportunity arose. If someone were to ask her why, then... She... doesn't have the right answer.
Animosity swarmed her chest like moths and picked at it viciously. To compensate? She slowly removed the blade from its place. To parade her grief constantly while others had went through the same? She clenched her teeth and gradually deeply inhaled, long breaths, and her fingers curled tightly. To apologize for her selfishness? Violets narrowed on the pillar of stone and she moved, jabbing the air and gracing the breeze that hit her face.
"Flower Breathing First Form," Kanae murmured in a wisp, "Tempestuous Calendula."
A flutter, a step and a hop in full speed; she readjusted her body's proportions and charged the rock with Shinobu's sword. Strong, yet careful with the blade's unique structure, pink wavered from the sword as she struck a deep cut that curved around the block. Tightly grasped, the sword almost sweaved out of her hands from it's light weight(the first time she tried so it flew from her hands. Then again, it wasn't fitted for her anyways).
She didn't stop there. Quick in her steps, she curved again and struck another deep cut. Some rocks chipped from it.
Again.
And again.
And again.
"Nee-san!"
Each time, making the rock crumbled along with the frustration that built up the fury of power in her attacks.
Another slash.
Another cut.
Another deep slice that could make the fragile bleed from the tip itself.
Inhale...
With one final strike, it was just as quick, just as gentle, and the stone pillar toppled over the repetitious cuts. How the rubbles and dust scattered so gracefully despite the barrage of attacks. It shattered as it met the ground, and Kanae was alone once more.
Exhale...
The butterflies somehow remained calm, observant, in their spot around the nearby bushes. Her heart pounded briefly in her chest, revertebrating through her head in an echo. Any sense of frustration left her body just as it suddenly grew from each attack. Her grip loosened around her sister's sword.
The Older Kochou closed her eyes before sighing through her nose. Her breathing uneven as she panted for air. Then she opened them again.
Her ears perked at the footsteps approaching her from the small patio. Her form never tensed nor wavered and only kept still. Eyes merely focused on the pillar's remains with conflict.
"I wished to check on you, Kanae-san. Though, it sounds like you're busy."
His voice gentle, just like the time he spoke when reaching out to her and her sister that day. His form intimidating at first glance, but his expressions sincere and warm. Kanae held the utmost respect to him for everything. Yet, she couldn't share everything to him.
Couldn't she spare him her burdens when he's had more to carry enough as it is? Would that be selfish? She tried burying these thoughts down.
"Himejima-san," Kanae turned to face him, sheathing the blade back into her hilt. "It's nothing to worry about. It's a pleasant surprise to have you visiting today. Is something the matter?"
Gyoumei moved closer until his feet stopped at the end of the patio. He didn't move to walk off, however, and merely stood by. "I want to be sure you're feeling well, Kanae-san. I was worried about how you felt after your latest mission yesterday. You sounded tired when we spoke together."
Her heart stilled for a second, then continued. The muscles in her face relaxed for a moment.
"It's part of being a demon slayer." Her plastered smile reflexively pasted itself. It knew its cues even if he couldn't see it. "I'm glad to make it before more people would've gotten hurt. I only wished I made it sooner..."
"Yes, though you've done what you could. As long as you're able to save the others, you did enough." Tears slipped from his eyes. His hands together in a form of a prayer. "May those souls rest in peace."
"Yes..."
Kanae walked over and stepped onto the patio, a wooden creak whined but that didn't nab her attention. She faced where he was facing. At the ground with crumbles and dusty remains laid (she held back a sneeze when it grazed her nostrils).
"Kanae-san."
"Yes, Himejima-san?"
"Are you frustrated?"
A small crack. She's sure she heard it within herself.
"Eh?" Feign ignorance. It often worked in her favor. She was probably overthinking it. "Frustrated about what?"
"About Douma? Or at least, I believe it has something involved with the incident that day."
Her eyes dilated, whether he was aware he made her do so or not didn't matter to her. It made her breath hitched in her throat.
"Your heartbeat is erratic." He solemnly points out. "From the way you spoke, you sounded tired and frustrated. I've noticed for a long while now during the conversations we had."
Stupid, stupid. His hearing is phenomenal; of course he'd notice the shifts in her voice and the underlying feelings she's forged. She must've been too deep in her garden of smiles to notice. Everyone's concerns were easier to fend off, but this man... He was the one who saved her. He's aware of her. Her and her thoughts of bringing peace between demons and humans. He's always been aware.
What does he think of her?
What does he see in her?
For all Kanae could tell, she could bring the whole Demon Slayer Corps down with this ideology. She knew; she knows.
And yet...
"You don't need to talk about it if you aren't comfortable," he added. Her thoughts brought to a halt. "I assumed that from your last mission that it might've brought bad memories."
She blinked for a moment before shaking her head. She heaved through her nose in hesitation.
"Himejima-san..." Kanae started. Gyoumei tilted his head to face her with his blank orbs but she knew his attention's on her. She breathed. "Could someone be a demon slayer... without hating demons?"
Gyoumei hummed in contemplation. "Aside from you, Kamado Tanjirou is the only one who doesn't hold hate for the demons other than Muzan. Why?"
Why, why, why?
Why doesn't she know the answer? Why's she scared of answering for?
The least she could do is open up. He's done so much for her.
So why hold back when she could open up? Her thoughts in disarray. Kanae snapped from them before she could drown further without an answer.
"I'm not sure..." She bit her lip, giving a side-glance. "It was something that came to mind when I saved a girl fron getting eaten by the demon I slayed. I've contemplated about them - the both of them." Memories of her own family, that girl's family, that demon's family. Her brain seared in retaliation. "In the end, the demon... I'm not sure... I don't even know..."
Uncertain thoughts again and again. The same reason why her sister's gone: because of her foolish ideals.
The Stone Hashira pondered over this question. His lips pursed for an answer in mind. "Your heart is pure. You care about saving everyone and wouldn't intentionally put them at risk. You're sister trusted you completely because it's what you believed in. Even when she hated demons like the rest of us."
"It's..." Kanae's mind tripped over on what to say. "It's hard to say..." She glanced up to the sky. It was clear, beautiful. Shining over her laments. The butterflies scattered into the free skies and fluttered by.
"But, I'm sorry to tell you, as I said with Oyakata-sama abd his decision for Kamado Tanjirou and his sister I don't approve of it at all. Yours included." Gyoumei expressed.
"...I know." She saw it coming. His thoughts on demons. His thoughts on her opinion against demons. It's why she never gave Giyuu a definite answer that night. It was expected, so why was she still frustrated.
Wasn't that the cause of her frustrations? Her thoughts on demons? Shinobu's death? Douma? Or was she frustrated at herself?
Were her frustrations against Douma... actually her hate for demons?
Then why the pity? Why sympathize?
"I don't accept your ideas, but I accept the honest will in your heart to admit it." She tore her gaze away from the light blue canvas above to the man. The corners of his lips tipped up. "With your earnesty and determination — maybe that dream can come true."
She wanted to break down from the kind words. They meant more than they were worth, she hoped he'd notice. Simple words that meant a lot for her at that moment. She knew not everyone would sympathize with her thoughts, but she had to try. A soft smile cracked on her face in spite of a single tear drawn from her eye. A pale hand raised over her trembling lips and muffled the silent hiccups from her throat. Gyoumei's hand rested on her head and gave it a small ruffle. She couldn't face him despite the curiosity of seeing his expression right now. She'd only assume he was expressing his kindness and expectations on her.
She could only hope, and apologize for what its worth.
"Thank you, Himejima-san."