Requested One-Shot
Fandom: Harry Potter
Based in Order of the Phoenix
Art by viria94, retrieved from pinterest.
This little one-shot was a request from sigh100. The twins being mischievous was so fun to write XD.
~~
Life is miserable. School is a prison.
Well, as much of a prison as you can get at a school for Witchcraft and Wizardry. But Fred Weasely digresses.
The Gryffindor Common Room is quiet, the Weasely twins being the only two gathered in the plush chairs surrounding the fireplace. The window is foggy, the warmth from within the castle colliding with the cold of the glass. George stares out at the darkening sky for a moment, allowing himself to unwind from the day's general tenseness. He shoots a glance at Fred, the other boy lightly brushing the end of his feather quill on the underside of his chin. He's staring intensely down at the paper nestled in his lap. George raises a brow.
"You're not doing homework, are you Fred?" He asks, only half-teasingly. Man, Umbridge really does bring down the mood even when she isn't in the room. Bugger.
"Who do you take me for?" His twin snorts, rolling his eyes. "No, I'm writing down some ideas for our products. We do have a business to run, after all."
"Trying times, these are." George concurs, sighing dramatically. "What've you got so far?"
"Hmm." Fred hums, eyes raising to and fro on the paper. "Well, we've got the skiving snack boxes, but those haven't been totally perfected yet. Extendable ears. The reusable hangman, and Pygmy puffs too, we've got those."
"Those what you two are planning on spreading around?" A voice from the stairwell asks. The twins turn to see Ron at the base of the stairs, rubbing one eye and with the start of a bed head. George grins.
"What're you doing up so late, Ron?" He teases, sensing his twin raise an eyebrow beside him. Ron shrugs.
"Just woke up, I guess." He narrows his eyes at the two. "Better be careful though. Umbridge's already got her eyes in you. I wouldn't be surprised if she immediately thought you guys were the ones handing out all the exploding ink-wells."
"Exploding inkwells!" George gasps, his eyes alight. "Fred, write that down."
"On it George."
"I'm not trying to give you guys any ideas!" Ron declares, red in the face. Fred chuckles at their little brother's struggle. The younger huffs and crosses his arms. "Fine, get caught, see if I care." He turns on his heel and storms back up the stone steps and out of sight. Fred and George share a small grin.
"Too easy."
~
The next morning, the twins begin to make their rounds. They've go to find people to test their products on, after all.
"Mm-hm, you've got the right twins, mate." Fred says merrily, smiling down at the Hufflepuff before him. "We've even got–" here, he lowers his voice and glances around conspiringly before continuing, "exploding inkwells in the making."
"Woah, really?" The younger boy asks, smiling excitedly.
"Sure do," George says, coming up from behind and seining his arm around Fred, "still got some kinks to work out, but they should be available as soon as this week!"
"Wow!" The kid says again, practically bouncing on his feet.
"And if you and you're friends ever want to get out of class, just take one of our skiving snack boxes." George adds.
"But only half." Fred reaffirms, a lopsided grin on his face. "It'll make you sick as a dog. The other half is for after you've escaped, my friend."
"Cool! Hang on, let me tell the other first years about this."
"Oh, I'm sure they already know!" Fred calls after the younger boy. He casts a wide grin at George. "At this rate we won't even need to stay the whole year. Umbridge is practically making business easier for us at this point."
"Right you are, Fred." George nods sagely, as the two begin to walk down the corridor. "But we'll need to be absolutely sure–"
"Boys."
Fred and George stop dead in their tracks, sharing a wary glance before turning with identical smiles on their faces. Professor Umbridge approaches them quickly, her heels making a dull clack clack clack noise on the tile flooring and a saccharine smile on her face. The twins don't need to look at each other to know they're both feeling the same level of ew.
"Why, hello Professor Umbridge!" Fred calls, smiling sweetly.
"To what do we owe this pleasure?" George adds.
"We do so well in classes you thought you'd come to see us yourself, did you?"
"The pleasure is–" Fred begins,
"– all ours!" George finishes.
"Oh, it's isn't about your... frankly abysmal grades, I'm afraid," she says, with a look of faux sympathy. Fred kind of wants to puke at how fake it looks. "I'm hear to talk to you about some rumors I've heard floating about."
"Oh?" George questions, shooting an innocently surprised look as his brother. "Whatever could you be talking about?"
"Hmm," she hums, her gaze switching between the two of them for a moment before settling on George, "I'll be every disappointed to learn if it's you, Fred, that–"
"Actually," George says, "I'm George."
"I'm Fred." Fred chimes in. "Man, what a school if you can't even tell your own students apart!" Umbridge's face reddens, and a tick begins above her left eyebrow.
"Are you looking for a detention?!" She asks shrilly. The woman breathes deeply and, suddenly, is back to her chipper self. "Oh, the humor of young, not-so-bright boys these days. Such a charm." She reaches forward to pt Fred harshly on the shoulder. He raises an unimpressed brow at the action. "Do watch yourselves. I'll be coming to you at the first, and any, sign of trouble in my school." She says, smiling a smile that doesn't reach her eyes. She moves to spin on her heel and stride away, but all the twins can focus on his how ugly the pink she wears is, and how it stains the beautiful grays of the castle walls.
"What a snake in the grass." Fred says, yawning dramatically in the empty corridor.
"Are we sure she isn't related to Malfoy? Like maybe a distant cousin or something?"
~
"We've got to get her out of commission for a little while if we're to pull this off, George." Fred says, tapping his chin with one finger thoughtfully. The two are back in the common room, skipping class for what seems like the fifteenth time. It's not like they'll be there much longer anyway. What's Umbridge gonna do, give us detention? Since it's midday, no other students occupy the dorms, so the Weasley's are free to plan creatively without interruption. George sits perched on the arm of one of the arm chairs, and Fred sprawls I. The ground to his left, closer to the unlit fireplace. In response to Fred's statement, George nods.
"Certainly. But how, is the question."
"Explosives?" Fred proposes, raising his head.
"Nah, too risky. Even for us, at this point. Maybe later." George says. "Plus, this is more for testing out formulas we already have in the making."
"Good point." His head thunks softly back down on the carpeted floor. "Fake explosives?"
"Won't keep her away for long enough. A fake sickness?"
"That might shut her up in her office, but I doubt she'd let the poor kids off free." Fred pauses. "Plus, it's too much like a few of our other products."
"Yeah. Good point."
"Fire weasels?"
"Nope, they'd hurt us as much as they'd hurt her." George vetoes, regretful about letting such an amazing opportunity slip away.
"Using extendable ears to spy would just be useless, we already know what we want to do. We don't really need to know her schedule either."
"What about a love potion?" George proposes, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Oh, that'd be good to see her chasing around a poor second year for a bit. Wouldn't know what hit her."
"That's a brilliant idea George, but that would probably scar that second year for the rest of her life. Wouldn't want to scare off a potential customer." Fred laughs, although a momentary shudder runs through him at the thought of Umbridge running after him under the control of a love potion. George seems to have the same realization, as they both vocalize their thought at the same time,
"Straight from a nightmare."
"Well," George says, crossing his arms, "what if we try–"
"Laxatives." When the twins hears the idea, they turn and spot Ginny standing by the common room door. "Do those, if you're trying to get to Umbridge." She shrugs at the twin looks of astonishment on her brothers' faces. "God only knows we could all use a break from that woman." Turning on her heel, Ginny leaves the common room, and the twins slowly turn to look at each other with growing smiles on their faces. Then, they speak in unison.
"Laxatives."
~
The twins end up having to wait a bit to put their plan in action.
Filch seems to be around every corner, watching them like a hawk. The only true privacy they get comes from being in an entire crowd of students, or retreating to the Gryffindor common room if one of Umbridge's lackeys can't find something to keep them busy. The twins don't even have to discuss the fact that the best way to get to her is through her office. The problem lies with their seemingly constant watchdogs, and the impossibility of breaking into Umbridge's office.
"It's practically impenetrable George."
"I know Fred... but we have to find a way."
"We'll die if go in there!" Fred proclaims.
"We have to be brave, Fred."
"But... it's so pink."
As it stands, the only trouble the twins have with breaking into Umbridge's office has to do with the fact that even looking around makes them want to vomit. George gags, putting a hand on his mouth as he is blinded by the brightness of the office that is only offset by the moving cat pictures hanging all around.
"Let's just... hurry with this. Get some pictures of her terrible fashion sense." Fred says. "Maybe we can sell them as guides on what not to do."
"On it, Fred."
It only took a little bribing to get some of the fifth years to cause a distraction amongst the staff with Filch's cat. Umbridge was caught up in the mess as the teachers ran about the school, trying to find that cat and being hit by hidden spellcasters along the way. The twins know they only have a few moments before the woman catches some people and throws them in detention for being the 'masterminds.' Fred rolls his eyes as he digs through the drawers of her desk, carefully disabling any traps or identification spells on the way. George moves about the office, scanning over the items and cabinets in search of what they're looking for.
"Aha!" Fred laughs, pulling out a box of tea bags from Umbridge's top drawer. George joins his twin as he extracts the laxative-type product from within his sweater.
"Great way to test the shop products, aye Fred?" George grins, watching Fred as he infuses it into the tea. Said twin smirks.
"Right you are, George."
"... We're going to put it into her cup later too, right?
"Absolutely."
~
"Let the test begin."
For once, Fred and George are in class.
Of course, they aren't in seats, and they aren't actually supposed to be there, but details. A few of the students had already spotted them hiding out up in the rafters, but the Weasley's aren't worried. The younger students are either far to enamored by the twins or angry at Umbridge and her unfairly strict rule to say anything. None of the Slytherins have noticed, luckily. Fred nods to George, positioning himself right above the chair Umbridge perches on. The classroom is vast, but the only teachers overseeing the students are Umbridge herself and one another, who just so happens to be Filch, at the back of the classroom near the door. George waves his wand, muttering a quiet incantation.
"Expluso." Across the hall, a single book explodes in the bookcase. A few of the students leap to their feet and yell in surprise. George nods back at Fred. The plan's in motion! Outside the door, the twins hear a loud singing resonate through the corridors.
"That'll be Sean." Fred mutters, watching as Umbridge strides quickly down the widest aisle between the desks. As she approaches Filch, Fred grins and raises his wand. "Locomotor mortis."
Filch shouts as he moves to turn around, but his legs lock in place. He falls to the ground, right in front of an increasingly annoyed Umbridge. She shoots him an irritated glance as she moves to step over him. He struggles to his feet, his knees remaining locked in place. Fred grins as he nods to George. Below, the students are completely dumbfounded by the turn of events. Some of them are growing restless.
"Avis." From the tip of George's wand bursts a flock of birds. They descend in the classroom, causing mayhem everywhere. With everyone distracted, no one notices a slight breeze, carrying a small amount of clear crystals, down to the untouched cup on Umbridge's chair. Swirling his wand, Fred ensures that they dissolve into the liquid as George points his wand at the book that is still on fire in the bookcase.
"Aguamenti." Water descends onto the burning bookcase, effectively putting the fire out just as the door into the room bursts open. Umbridge stands there, her face redder than a chili pepper. Fred clamps a hand over George's mouth as his twin nearly bursts into laughter. With a loud shout and a wave of her wand, every bird in the room poofs into dust. The students stop screaming immediately, startled by their disappearance.
"SIT DOWN." Umbridge says loudly, borderline screaming. "NOW."
The students scramble to their seats, and the twins hunker down in their hiding place as Umbridge stomps toward the front of the room.
"None of you are getting out of this test. And because of that lovely little distraction," the woman begins, grinning widely with a manic look in her eyes, "you have even less time to complete it. GET TO WORK." Her loud voice echoes around the chamber as the students move to mark their paper quickly, some not even reading some of the problems before leaving their answers. Umbridge settles back in her chair, smoothing a hand over her hair as she visibly calms herself. The twins are delighted when she raises her cup to her lips and takes a large sip of tea. Fred's jaw quickly drops, George shaking with restrained excitement as she continues to down the entire cup. They share a glance.
The effects take more quickly than either of them expected.
Umbridge straightens in her seat. The twins watch with baited breath as she begins to fidget in her seat. At the entrance t the classroom, now on his feet, Filch notices her discomfort, too. He frowns, and George nudges his brother to point at the caretaker. Fred's eyes light up.
"Headmistress?" He questions, watching the woman closely. Umbridge leaps to her feet, working her jaw and clenching her fists by her sides.
"Continue to watch the students, Filch." She grits out, walking down the aisle once more. Her strides are measured and her posture is far too straight. George is practically bouncing as he watches her struggle to walk in a straight line. "They'll have fifteen minutes to–"
It starts as a high-pitched whistling. George clutches his stomach, laughter threatening to burst forth as Umbridge hastens her steps, the sound growing deeper and louder. She reaches the door, her breaths growing ragged.
"H-Headmistress–" Filch tries to block her way from the door, reaching out to her with confusion on his features. Umbridge growls at him, just as the sound grows in crescendo.
George loses his composure as the loudest fart pierces the room. Umbridge races from the room, the echo of the door slamming behind her drowned out by the laughter of the students. Filch stands still, staring after Umbridge with shock as he glances between the door and the classroom. Fred laughs just as loud as the other students, hoping their contact outside the classroom witnessed the scene.
"She almost got out out of that one, Fred!" George howls, a wide smile splitting his face. Fred's smiling so hard his cheeks are beginning to ache.
"It worked so well–" Fred breaks off into his own laughter, ignoring Filch as he tries to get the students to quiet down. He still appears to be flustered.
Fred raises his hand for a high five. George happily obliges him.
"Looks like the crystals worked like a charm, George."
"Couldn't have said it better myself, Fred."
~
One week later, the twins will release fireworks as their last bang at Hogwarts. Umbridge will be their main target again, and it will leave such an impression on the remaining students that everyone will talk about the legacy left by the Weasley twins for the rest of the year, maybe even longer.
Their dream was always to open a joke shop, anyway. They decide it's time to move on.
Spell Guide!
Locomotor mortis - leg lock curse
Expluso - explodes objects
Avis - shoots birds from wand
Aguamenti - shoots water from wand.