Warnings: Mentions of violence
A/N: This chapter will slightly address some darker parts of Kathryn's nature. I know I have put her in the general direction toward redemption, but she is still a Death Eater that has to do bad things and is addicted to using her powers for evil. I feel it would be unrealistic for her to just turn that off because she wants to be good. She's imperfect, and is in fact a villain despite her desire not to be.
I hope you enjoy, and thanks so much for reading
I shifted on the uncomfortable barstool beneath me, eyes glued to the scuffed, wooden surface of the bar in front of me. I was finally free from the walls of Hogwarts, if only for a brief time. Like most other times after carrying out whatever services Voldemort required of me, I was putting off my inevitable return to the school. Though in place of my usual firewhiskey, I was nursing a butterbeer.
The pub was booming with noise, but I could hardly notice it over the sounds of what I had done that night resonated through my head on repeat. Screams, so much screaming. The young couple's pleading cries as shadows surrounded them.. as those shadows grasped and pulled and tortured.
Fuck.
The question that most often weighed on me after nights such as these surfaced. How was I supposed to just return to Severus as if I hadn't just been the one to inflict such agony on other people? Would he still find my actions so excusable if he were there to witness my indiscretions first hand?
It was true, perhaps, that I didn't have a choice but to follow Voldemort's orders if I wanted to continue my part as a loyal follower. To blame my powers was easy, but they were what I was made of were they not? How much longer until Severus finally saw how monstrous I truly was?
Dumbledore had once told me of the Shade called Valentina Ricci, how she had claimed that her child had saved her from the darkness. That it was love that kept her grounded. I had that- love. I had Severus, Poppy, and now I even had a child of my own growing inside of me.
Had Valentina continued to struggle as I was struggling? Severus kept me grounded, that was for certain. There were moments when it was just him and I that sometimes I could pretend I was just a normal, boring person, but it never lasted.
The desire for destruction was always there, creeping in the back of my mind, whispering to me during my time alone, consuming me when following Voldemort's orders.
I thought back to our conversation the night I told Severus I was pregnant. Could Azkaban even hold someone like me? Was it foolish to think that after the things I had done, the Ministry would even take that chance?
What if they simply decided to execute me? Merlin knew it would be the safest decision for everyone, but despite the fact that I deserved it- I didn't want to die. I hadn't voiced that fear to Severus, but it was there.
"You really should work on not being so predictable." I didn't bother glancing over as the empty stool next to mine was taken.
"It's wonderful to see you, Narcissa," I replied dryly, "If you could just fuck off, though, that would be even better."
"We need to talk about Severus."
I finally turned to face her, "We have nothing to talk about when it comes to Severus."
She looked as imposing as ever, not a hair out of place as she regarded me with a cold stare.
"I beg to differ. What you're doing.. this relationship between the two of you- If you care about him at all, you'll end it. For good."
"In the face of everything happening, are you really still so hung up on the fact that he and I are together?" I asked with an incredulous scoff.
"This has nothing to do with that, stupid girl. Severus was a dear friend long before we..." she trailed off, "You didn't play this smart, Kathryn. You're rash, impulsive, show-offish. You've done nothing but give the Dark Lord reason to believe you're a threat."
"I've only ever done what he's asked of me."
"And it would have paid you to do so with a little less flair. The Dark Lord desires control. If he feels that you're are becoming a problem, he will put you into your place by hurting those you love. The first person who will suffer for it will be Severus."
"You speak as if neither of us are aware of what the Dark Lord is capable of," I said as I grabbed my cloak from the barstool on the other side of me. "You needn't worry, Narcissa. We're perfectly capable of dealing with these things ourselves."
Narcissa's hand shot out and caught my arm as I stood, her fingers biting into forearm as she rose to level her gaze with my own. "You empty-headed little fool. Mark my words, if he is harmed because of you, the Dark Lord will be the least of your problems."
"Perhaps you should channel all of this concern for another person's well being toward your own family. Like Draco perhaps."
I pushed back the guilt that threatened to surface as her grip on my arm faltered. Bringing her kid into this was a low blow, but I didn't let it deter me. "Maybe if you put even an ounce of this concern into the wellbeing of your own flesh and blood, he wouldn't be a seventeen year old doing Voldemort's bidding."
"Draco is following the path that has been laid out before him for quite some time now. To serve the Dark Lord.. It's an honor, and we couldn't be more proud," Narcissa bit out, though her eyes lacked the conviction her words carried.
"Right. That's why you begged Severus to agree to an unbreakable vow to you in order to protect him. Because he's on the right path and all."
"You don't know the first thing about being a mother, of the sacrifices that must be made to protect your child. So don't you dare stand there and judge me as if you do," she hissed. She was right. I didn't have a clue what being a mother truly entailed, but I knew with certainty that following Voldemort was on the very bottom of the list of things I was willing to subject the life growing inside of me to.
"You may be right, but it doesn't take a genius to know it's a bad move on your part," I told her, my tone not quite as sharp as it had once been.
Narcissa stared at me a moment longer before removing her grip from my arm completely. "I meant what I said," she scowled.
"Yes, I'm sure you did, but as I said before, Severus is more than capable of taking care of himself. None of you assholes give him nearly enough credit." I didn't wait for a response, taking only a moment to toss a few galleons next to my untouched drink before leaving her to glare after me.
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My arrival back to Hogwarts was a dreary reminder of the toll the place itself had taken since Voldemort gained control. Everything that once seemed so magical and vibrant was tainted now. Gloom permeated both the grounds and the castle itself, especially during moments like this, with only the moonlight shining against the stone walls of the castle.
The faint glow of dying fires could be seen flickering through a few windows here and there, the only sign that there was life in the castle at all. It was late, late enough to really be considered quite early. I preferred returning when it was like this, while most everyone asleep in their beds and not scattered among the corridors to silently judge me as I passed by.
On a normal night I would be with Severus, but on these nights I often found myself alone in my own living quarters. The things I did for Voldemort was not a secret between us, but I found it was far to difficult to face him nonetheless. I was thankful that he never pushed me to talk about those things, that he kept his distance when I needed him to. Especially tonight, as my conversation with Narcissa was fresh on my mind.
She was right, I supposed, that continuing a relationship with Severus seemed like something that could only come to a inevitable bad end. We didn't just have the dangers of Voldemort to face. There was a secret pregnancy, the possibility of not only one, but both of us being incarcerated if Voldemort was defeated. It seemed that no matter what happened with the war, we wouldn't actually ever get to spend our lives together, despite Severus' undying dedication to finding a way.
But still, despite all of the odds against us, there was a stupid glimmer of hope that I couldn't quite shake. There was a world inside my head, that when I closed my eyes, held a happy outcome where we could somehow just become regular people. Despite how silly I felt for doing so, I often found myself clinging to that outcome.
The halls were thankfully free of others, even the castle's ghosts nowhere in sight as I silently made my way through the dimly lit corridors back to my quarters. It wasn't until then that another small wave of what had become a consistent bout of dizziness that day hit me once again, though this time much more powerful than the ones before. I stumbled, despite my determination to keep my pace steady, but I didn't allow it to deter me. Poppy had warned me that some mild dizziness could be expected during the pregnancy, I just hadn't realized it would be so persistent and so strong.
I just needed to make it back to my quarters, that was all. If I could make it there, I could sleep it off and wake up feeling brand new in the morning. There was no sense in worrying Severus over a trivial little pregnancy symptom. Merlin knew he had enough weighing him down as it was. I was a grown woman after all. I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Perhaps I would ask Poppy about a drought to help at breakf-
"Ms. Quinn?" the voice of Minerva McGonagall broke through the silence. I swung around to face her, unaware of the effect the action would take until the world around me tilted. "Are you alright?"
"Yes, quite alright, thanks. Just going to bed," I assured her.
"You don't look well. Perhaps I could fetch Severus for you?" McGonagall offered, despite the sour expression that graced her features as she spoke his name. Dumbledore had been her friend, and Severus had killed him. She didn't know the truth. From her perspective, he was nothing more than a traitor and a murderer. We all were. To McGonagall, we were nothing more than Death Eaters that had killed her old friend and infiltrated the school she had called her home for many years.
"I hardly see why the Headmaster should be alerted.."
"Might I suggest that if you wish to keep your personal life confidential, Ms. Quinn, it would be best not to copulate on every free surface of the Headmaster's office," she deadpanned.
"Fucking portraits," I grumbled, "Just for the record, no one has actually..."
I hadn't realized I was on the floor until McGonagall stood above me. Her mouth moving, but I could hardly make out what she was saying. I blinked up at her once.. then twice.. before the darkness clouding my vision swallowed me into a comfortable oblivion.
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Severus' POV
Severus sighed as he pushed away the seemingly never ending stack of parchment before him. As if teaching hadn't been insufferable enough, he now not only had an entire castle full of students to look after but an entire staff of adults as well. There was hardly a moment that someone didn't need something from him, and in the rare moments he was granted with the gift of solitude, there was always paperwork awaiting him.
Just as he finally resolved to leave it all and retire to bed, the sound of the gargoyle statue sliding open caught his attention. Kathryn had been called away from the castle upon the Dark Lord's orders, a detail that usually meant he would spend the night alone, but he could hardly think of anyone else who would be paying him a visit this late at night. He was disappointed, however, when Minerva McGonagall stepped into view.
"To what do I owe-," he had began to drawl out.
"I thought you should know that I came across Ms. Quinn in a feeble state.. She collapsed in the corridor, but I have taken her to Poppy who has assured me she will be fine," McGonagall told him tersely, hardly finishing her sentence before Severus stormed past her, cloak billowing behind him as he took the stairs two at a time. If there had been a soul in sight as he all but ran to the Infirmary, he wouldn't have known it. Even upon his arrival, he hardly spared Poppy a glance as his gaze narrowed on the sleeping form of Kathryn in a nearby bed.
"Excuse me! Can I help you?" Poppy exclaimed as she chased after him.
"How is she?" He asked, stopping once he reached Kathryn.
"Poor dear has probably just come down a little something. It's nothing to concern yourself with, Headmaster."
"I asked," Severus snapped, finally tearing his attention away from Kathryn long enough to glare over at Poppy. "How is she? Have you figured out what caused her to collapse?"
"She's got a bit of a bump on her head from the fall, but aside from exhaustion, there doesn't seem to be any signs of anything concerning."
"The baby? How is the baby?" Severus asked, reaching out to brush a stray strand of hair from Kathryn's face.
"T- the.. I.. Oh..," Poppy sighed, disbelief thick in her tone as her eyes flicked between him and Kathryn. "Oh Merlin..it's you."
"Don't act so surprised, Poppy. Not even you are that oblivious. The whole bloody school seems to be aware of our relationship at this point."
Poppy shook her head and heaved out a disappointed sigh. "Let's just get back to baby then. They both appear to be mostly fine. Kathryn's a bit dehydrated and obviously quite exhausted. My best guess is that the baby is taking more energy than she has to give."
"Is that common in pregnancy?" Severus asked, "or do you think the baby is..."
"Is a Shade? It's quite possible."
Severus nodded, "She's been hopeful that she won't pass it down to the baby."
"It's still to early to know for sure, but I think we should begin treating this situation as if she has," Poppy responded. "You can go on back to bed. I'll send word if anything changes."
"That won't be necessary," Severus told her. "I don't plan on leaving."
Poppy sucked in a breath, looking once more at Kathryn before walking back to her office without another word.
Once he was sure she was gone, he climbed on the bed next to Kathryn, laying on his side so that he could secure an arm around her and smiling to himself as she released a contented sigh and nestled in closer to him. He pressed a gentle kiss against her temple as he slid his hand to her stomach.
The small bump formed there was like a beacon of comfort, like a confirmation that for now at least- they were both safe. Finally, after some time, Severus closed his eyes and finally allowed himself rest.
A/N: I intended on having this published by no later than yesterday. But apparently I'm turning into an old lady, because I fell asleep three times while trying to finish up this chapter at 9pm 🤣
This has been lightly proof-read, as I am currently sitting in my kids' school drop-off line 😅 so please excuse any errors I may have missed.
I hope y'all enjoyed this one! I won't make everyone wait so long for chapter 12, I promise!