chapter twenty-one
and salt the earth behind you
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The world had a way of completely stilling when the night came. Time seemed to stand still when the stars took their place high in the sky and a blanket of darkness encapsulated the entirety of the Outer Banks. The sun had died for the moon by now, allowing the celestial body to shine in the darkness of the sky. It was almost calming with the slight hum of the grasshoppers and the soft lapping of the seawater filtering throughout the air. . . . Emphasis on the almost.
Izzy had never been one to enjoy the silence. Many times it had wrapped her in a cold embrace, suffocating her and sending her into a deep panic. It made her feel alone. And for a while, the silence had let her be as she surrounded herself with people like her; people with the same scarred hearts; the broken children. It had let her rest easy, but as the group took their boat (or the HMS Pogue as the others called it) out on the water and set out to the Cameron estate, the silence revisited Izzy Windsor.
The silence rang in her ears as thoughts of recent events invaded her mind. She kept picturing Ward murdering John B's father over and over again like a sick nightmare. She knew it was the truth, but she still didn't want to believe it. She was never really keen on Ward Cameron, but she hadn't minded him, and never once did she think he'd do something like this. But he had . . . and she wondered if this was the first time . . . or if it would be the last. She wondered if her father had ever done the same in order to come out on top, and she wondered if she had ever unintentionally helped him cover it up. Because really, how much thicker was blood than water?
Izzy blinked and tried forcing her thoughts to the back of her mind. She pursed her lips and shifted in her spot on the floor of the boat. She watched in silence as Pope steered the boat to the dock outside of the Cameron estate and turned off the engine. Everything happened a little too fast for her to comprehend as the nose of the boat bumped against the dock while JJ stood to his feet and quickly tied the rope around the anchor bend to keep them from drifting. While he did that, Kiara stood at the stern of the boat with her hands on her hips as she glared at the house belonging to the Camerons. A second passed and then Izzy flicked her eyes to the Victorian house, and observed as it glared back at her with so much vigor it sent a shiver down her spine.
The silence had become too much now, and it appeared the others were starting to notice as well. But JJ was the first to break it. "What now?" he asked in a rushed voice as he crossed his arms over his chest. "We just go up to the front door and ask, 'Hey have you seen John B?'"
Kiara glanced over her shoulder and shot him a look. "Look—" she gestured to the large house standing before them in all its gloomy glory— "he lives at Tannyhill now. It's plausible. We can play dumb."
JJ furrowed his brows as confusion plagued his face. "Play dumb?"
Izzy abruptly stood to her feet. "What if I go in?" she suggested, her voice hesitant as she wasn't entirely sure of what she was saying. It was like she wasn't even the one speaking . . . like her mind just decided to take control. "I've been there multiple times. He's practically second family. I'll just say I'm visiting Sarah."
"Fuck no," JJ immediately interjected before anyone could blink. He stepped toward her with his brows furrowed and concern swirling in his blue eyes. "Ward killed Big John. He's a murderer, Iz. I'm not letting you go in there alone."
Izzy scoffed. "Well, then what the fuck are we supposed to do? Stand out here all night like sitting ducks? He'll spot us," she explained bitterly. She just needed to do something to get her mind to silence, and maybe this would nurse the war raging on inside her head. "I don't have my phone. I can't exactly call Sarah, so like what other plan do we have?"
The seconds ticked by as silence consumed them once again. It stayed like that before Pope released a sigh and broke the tension. "Guys, it's pretty late," he mumbled out, his voice monotonous. He clearly wanted to leave, but the others paid him no mind and no one made an advance to turn the boat around.
"Look, I've never seen John B like that," Kiara told them, her voice strained. She glanced at each of them, searching their faces for understanding. "We should be going to the cops."
JJ shook his head. "The cop—" he cut himself off with a scoff. "Yeah, and say what, Kie? We're worried about our friend because he's going off on a rampage because Ward Cameron killed Big John? Like, they're not gonna' believe us."
"Hey, I see Ward," Pope announced from the stern of the boat. He was gazing at the estate through a pair of binoculars that he must have pulled out of his backpack while the others were arguing.
Kiara approached him first. "Let me see," she muttered as she ripped the binoculars out of his grasp and brought them up to her face, looking through them.
It was silent again as the crickets sang their song and the water lapped against the dock, shifting the boat. Izzy glanced at JJ for a second, observing how his brows were knitted together as he slowly walked up behind Kiara and Pope. He grabbed the binoculars from Kiara and brought them to his face to take a look as well. The Windsor girl pursed her lips and turned her attention back to the Cameron estate, slowly walking toward the stern of the boat. She squinted her eyes, trying to focus her gaze on the scene in front of her. And it didn't take long before she made out the silhouette of Ward Cameron stepping out of his house and into the darkness of the night.
"Doesn't look dead to me," Pope said after a minute. "Let's go home." He didn't bother to acknowledge the group's shocked reactions as he walked toward the helm.
But Kiara wasn't in the mood to stay silent. "What?" she snapped, turning to him with a scowl etched across her face.
Pope raised his brows and glanced at the others before he released a sigh and shrugged. "Uh . . . okay. Obviously, Mr. Cameron is fine, and even if John B was here, he isn't now, okay?" he started, outstretching his hand to gesture to the Victorian house. "Plus, I have the biggest, most important moment of my life in six hours."
Kiara shook her head in disbelief. "Yeah, well, our friend is in trouble," she spat, her voice filled with venom.
"I'm in trouble," Pope exclaimed, shoving a hand into his chest to emphasize the seriousness of his words. "Guys, I haven't been home in three days. My dad's probably put all my shit on the street by now."
"Okay, so that's it?" Kiara asked, bitterly as she slapped her arms against her sides in defeat. "In a time of need, you're just gonna' bail? You're just gonna' walk away?"
"Okay, yo, guys, can we not do this right now?" JJ asked, his voice dripping with desperation as he anxiously toyed with the string to the binoculars. But his pleads went unnoticed as the two arguing teens ignored his presence.
"Hey, I have a scholarship interview in the morning," Pope protested. "I can't—"
But Kiara cut him off. "Okay, well, what about John B?" she questioned as she crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him with a quirked brow and pursed lips.
The silence enveloped them once again as Pope stared at Kiara in shock, shaking his head as if he couldn't believe her words. Izzy only blinked, and glanced at JJ. He caught her gaze and gave a small shrug before he released a sigh and stepped away from the group. He put the binoculars on the ground and then sat down on the ledge of the boat. Izzy followed in his lead and sat down beside him on the ledge, but she kept her eyes trained on Pope and Kiara, watching as they glared at each other.
Another second passed by before Pope gathered his thoughts and opened his mouth. "Why is it always about John B?" he questioned, his voice bitter and dark. His shoulders were slumped and he had this look in his eyes that revealed his concern was about more than getting to his interview on time.
Kiara blinked, her face slowly falling. She blinked once more, and then a scowl twisted onto her face as she narrowed her eyes into slits. "It's not always about John B," she scoffed. "You're so stupid. It would be any of us in this situation." She glanced at the two blonde teenagers sitting on the ledge, gesturing between them to emphasize her point.
But Pope wasn't having it. "Oh, bullshit!" he bit out through gritted teeth.
"Guys!" JJ shouted, trying to cease their argument. He tore off his red baseball cap in frustration and tapped it against the palm of his hand as he glanced between the two teenagers standing before him. But, yet again, the two only ignored him and kept their eyes trained on each other.
"This is about friendship!" Kiara yelled, her voice consumed by concern.
JJ tugged a hand through his hair. "Bring it down," he muttered as he began to bounce his leg up and down.
Kiara only shook her head. "Look, this is about Pogues for life," she exclaimed. Her eyes landed on Izzy and then drifted to JJ—as if she was trying to ingrain her words into their brains—and then she turned back to Pope and her gaze hardened.
"What about forensic pathology, huh?" Pope asked with a small shrug.
Kiara furrowed her brows. "Forensic pathology?" she scoffed as she swung around the helm and got in Pope's face.
"It's my life," Pope exclaimed as he repeatedly shoved a finger into his chest to emphasize his words. "That's everything I've worked for."
"You really need it, don't you?" Izzy questioned before she even knew what she was saying. Her words gained her the eyes of the group as they stared at her with questioning looks on their faces. She gathered her thoughts and blinked before she locked eyes with Pope. "There's not . . . there's not another option?"
"No, I don't have the money for that," Pope said, shaking his head. "Either I get this scholarship or I'll be in debt my whole life."
And then it dawned on Izzy just how serious his situation was. She supposed not realizing it sooner made her ignorant. But the thing was: no one taught Izzy how to be humble. She had always just expected things to happen for her; to get everything she wanted with money, but it wasn't like that for other people. She realized that now. Really, she did, but she supposed it hadn't really cemented into her brain until Pope expressed just how much he had riding on this scholarship interview.
She had all the money she could ever ask for, and for a while, money was all she had. It was what kept her from crashing into a telephone pole as she drove through those red lights. And while money might not have been a big deal to her, it was to Pope. He didn't have the privilege of choosing between attending college or not going at all and instead sipping margaritas in Venice.
She realized then that the world was cruel; it favored the fortunate and shit on the less fortunate; the poor only got poorer and the rich got richer as time ticked by and decades passed. It wasn't fair. It was fucked.
Izzy wondered if she could change that even by just a smidge. She knew what that would make her—a cog in the wheel. And she didn't find anything wrong with that notion, because really, what was the point of having access to all that money if she didn't do anything other than spend it on Chanel bags? She decided she would figure out ways to scam her father out of his money later, but right now, she only wanted to get Pope back home so he could make his scholarship interview in the morning.
"Kie, I can text Sarah when I get home and see if she's seen John . . . but we should just . . . you know . . . like go home now," Izzy suggested, her voice stern and authoritative. "Pope needs this. It's not a choice."
But Kiara didn't hear her. "No, that's stupid!" she shouted. "John B is in trouble and Pope's got his priorities all fucked up!" She shook her head and sighed. "Look, we just need to find him, okay? Pogues don't leave Pogues behind! Ever!"
"Stop with the moral high ground bullshit!" Pope retaliated.
JJ clicked his tongue. "Pope, come on."
"No," Pope spat at JJ, shoving a finger at him. A muscle twitched in his jaw as he clenched his teeth together and slowly shook his head. And then he turned back to Kiara with a hard look written across his face as he flicked his eyes up and down her figure. "She has no room to talk."
Kiara kept her gaze trained on Pope's face, narrowing her eyes at him. "Excuse me?" she scoffed as she raised a brow and crossed her arms over her chest.
Pope stepped forward. "Where were you when Big John went missing? You weren't there. You weren't there for John B. You weren't there for any of us. Remember your Kook year?" he questioned, but he already knew the answer. The hurt look in his eyes gave him away, revealing the damage Kiara's vacance had left on the group. Perhaps that had been when their bond had first begun to split. Maybe it wasn't as healed as they liked to believe. Maybe it never had healed in the first place. "Yeah, yeah, you remember. We do, too."
"Dude!" JJ yelled.
But Pope wasn't listening. He needed to say this. The look on his face made it clear that this had been weighing down on him since the moment it happened. This was the wound he needed to mend, and this was the only way he could. And so, he let his words lick the wounds he had been trying to ignore. "We remember when you started hanging out with Izzy and Sarah. You changed. You turned into one of them," he spat, his words like venom as the world ceased turning on its axis and the air grew still.
And then, as the world seemed to stop just for them, Izzy remembered, too. She remembered her freshman year. She was a different person then; a person built on Chanel bags and diamond earrings. That fifteen-year-old version of herself had befriended Kiara Carrera, and they, along with Sarah Cameron, let their money get to their heads. Izzy hadn't realized it then, but her influence had made Kiara drop the only people who had ever truly accepted her for the person she was, hurting them in the process.
Izzy wanted nothing more than to burn the version of herself that had only cared about booze, drugs, and how much shit she could buy to fill the hole inside of her. She wanted to set fire to the person she used to be, burning it from her subconscious. But if she did, she wasn't sure if she would survive it . . . because maybe that part of her was still harboring inside of her like her own personal vice. Maybe it was embedded in her bloodstream. She could only hope that version of herself had actually been buried along with her mother's corpse.
But maybe Pope didn't know that. Maybe he didn't know how terrible she felt for ever letting herself become . . . that. Sure, he knew the person she was now, but what if that fucked up version of herself was still clouding his mind. That thought only made her realize that every single person she had ever met was carrying around a different version of herself, and her skin began to crawl at the realization.
Kiara's voice brought Izzy back to reality, making her realize no time had passed at all while she was stuck inside her own head. "That was then, Pope," the Carrera girl muttered out, finally finding her words. "I didn't mean it."
A curt laugh left Pope's lips as he shook his head. "Sure," he scoffed. "Okay . . . you and them are different now but you still have no right to sit here and judge me when you only started giving a shit about us after Izzy and Sarah dropped you. We're not your backup friends. We have our own fucking lives, Kie." His eyes fueled with fire as he shoved a finger at her. He dropped his hand a second later, letting it fall against his side. "If you really cared about the 'Pogues don't leave Pogues behind' bullshit, then you never would have traded us out for them in the first place. And if you cared . . . really cared about us . . . about me . . . you'd realize that this interview is my only shot. It's all I have."
That rubbed Kiara the wrong way. Her face morphed into a scowl as her eyes glossed over and she fought against the urge to let the tears spill down her cheeks. "Give me a break," she muttered through gritted teeth as her hands clenched into fists at her sides.
"You forgot about us," Pope began, bitterly, but his voice was filled with hurt. He wanted his words to hurt her as much as she had hurt him when she walked away and didn't bother looking back at the damage she had caused. "Now . . . you feel guilty."
And that was all it took. Those words and suddenly Kiara's skin was set ablaze, causing a fire to bloom deep within her. She shot forward, putting her hands on Pope's chest and shoving him, hard. The impact caused Pope to stagger slightly as a small scoff escaped his lips. But his shock didn't last long. He shoved her slightly, causing her to quickly retaliate. Their voices echoed in the air as they began to shove each other back and forth.
Their voices pierced Izzy's brain, and for a second she was reminded of the fights her parents used to have. She couldn't handle people yelling at her or around her, it made her heart drop to the pit of her stomach. It was a stupid fear which made her feel childish and immature, but it was still a fear that had consumed her life.
And as her heart hammered in her chest while the two teenagers screamed at each other, Izzy gathered enough strength to glance at the boy sitting beside her. JJ's hands were tangled in his hair as he shakily breathed in and out through his mouth. Only then did Izzy realize he must have shared the same fear, and she knew she would have done anything to nurse the unease plaguing him.
Izzy forced herself to stand to her feet. "Hey! Shut up!" she yelled, but her words didn't get through to them. She clenched her jaw and began to approach them, but JJ beat her to it.
"Hey! Yo, yo, yo, stop!" JJ shouted as he rushed to his feet and charged toward the two bickering teens. He put a hand on Pope's chest, pushing him away from Kiara, and breaking up their small quarrel. "Cut it out, all right?"
But Kiara and Pope still eyed each other as anger coursed through their veins. It seemed his words hadn't cemented in their brains, and Izzy wasn't about to let this divide them. She had just found people whose scarred hearts mirrored hers. She couldn't lose them. They were the broken children, meant to stick together and fix each other.
And so, Izzy spoke the thoughts plaguing her mind. "If we want to get to the bottom of this then we need all of us on the same page. We can't turn on each other, okay? This is stupid. The past happened, and no matter how much we all want to forget it, we can't . . . because it did happen. We all fucked up in some way . . . but bringing it up isn't helping anyone!" she exclaimed, breathing heavily. "Pope needs to get to his interview, okay? John B knows how to take care of himself, right? So, tomorrow, we'll go and find him, but fighting about it now isn't going to help anything. So take a goddamn chill pill and shut the fuck up . . . both of you!"
JJ nodded his head in agreement. "You heard her. If we're the ones mediating, we've hit rock bottom," he spat as he glanced between Kiara and Pope. "Bow, now. Go! Pope—" he nodded his head at the boy— "I'll drop you off."
The two anger-fueled teenagers listened then, but the weight pressing on their shoulders never eased up. Kiara sat down on the ground, bringing her knees to her chest as she wrapped her arms around her legs. She rested her cheek against her knee and stared at the Cameron estate. Pope, on the other hand, walked to the bow of the boat and sat down on the ledge with his arms crossed over his chest. And neither of them spoke another word nor did they glance in each other's directions.
This is Hell, Izzy decided as she glanced between her two friends. A sigh left her lips and she tore her eyes from the two, shifting her gaze to JJ Maybank. She caught his blue eyes and they shared a look. She only offered him a tight smile and shrugged before she approached Kiara and sat down beside her. Kiara glanced at her and studied her face with a stern look. But Izzy wasn't having it with this shit. She was tired and she just wanted her best friend.
Izzy wrapped her arm around Kiara's shoulders and tugged her into her. Much to her surprise, Kiara didn't put up a fight and instead melded into the girl, resting her head on Izzy's shoulder. Izzy breathed out through her nose and rested her cheek against Kiara's head.
The silence consumed the group a second later as JJ began to steer the boat out of the port. But this silence wasn't warm. It was a cruel; the kind which wrapped the teenagers in a cold embrace. And as the silence slowly suffocated her, Izzy began to wonder how she had ended up in this mess. Maybe this whole thing hadn't been a sign . . . maybe it was the universe's take on a sick joke and they were at the brunt of it.
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The stars seemed to wink at her as Izzy walked down the path leading to the private beach on the Windsor estate. JJ was walking a step behind her, whacking at the low-hanging palm trees with a long stick he found on the path. She looked back at him and rolled her eyes before she glanced back at the scene in front of her and continued down the path.
They had arrived back at Izzy's humble (sarcasm intended) abode around half an hour ago after docking the boat at the marina and driving Pope and Kiara to their houses. They'd taken the Mercury Comet convertible that Izzy adored so much and drove it to the Windsor estate, since Izzy was hellbent on never letting JJ step foot inside his house while his father was still breathing. One of Izzy's housekeepers, Ada, cooked them up some leftovers before she headed out for the night and left the two teenagers with the whole house to themselves. And while that was basically a disaster in itself . . . and by that, she meant her father would have her head if Ada notified him about the occurrence . . . but honestly, Izzy didn't care. (Okay, maybe she cared a little bit, but still, fuck what her father thought!)
Anyway, teenage rebellion and all aside, the night felt young to the two teenagers. And JJ being . . . well . . . JJ decided going to the private beach the Windsors had in their own backyard wasn't the worst way to spend the night. And while that might have sounded like no big deal to any other person, Izzy was at a crossroads.
You see, she hadn't really been there all that much since her mother died. Every time she got close to walking on that beach, it felt as if the sand was burning the soles of her feet, blistering the skin. It just felt wrong to be there.
But Izzy was tired of being afraid. Sure, fear was a primal instinct and all, but fuck that. She didn't want this weight on her shoulders to rule over her for her entire life. So Izzy decided she wasn't going to let her mind control her and she agreed to walk down to the beach even if it was just for a minute. Plus, she needed something to get her mind off Ward Cameron being a fucking murderer (Jesus, it had been a long day). And all that led her to that very moment as she stopped before the beach where the long stone path met the sand grains.
Her eyes trailed over the landscape, taking in the still waters of the ocean, washing up on the sand, making the grains appear darker under the moonlight. And for a moment she let herself picture a future where she owned this beach. Not her father, but her. A future where she inherited all his money and instead of carrying on the Windsor legacy . . . she broke the chain. It felt like a dream, but she still let herself fantasize about a future where her family fortune was used for good like helping charities, and not used to screw others over and cover up their dark secrets.
As she let herself imagine that future, she began to picture herself on that same beach. She saw herself, around the age of thirty, standing on that beach dressed in a white dress . . . made of silk and adorned with diamond necklaces she bought in one of those antique shops. And for the first time, she realized she wasn't standing on that beach alone with a wine bottle in hand. No, older Izzy Windsor was standing before her without a wine bottle in sight, and a child, her daughter to be exact, swimming in the ocean. It felt stupid to daydream about such a future, but she couldn't help it. She even let the idea swallow her whole.
And, yeah, she knew it was a future too far-fetched to obtain, but whatever. This future version of herself was happy like literally happy, and not the fake, plastic smile kind of happy . . . she was happy happy. And then she let herself dream about the kid she'd have. Never once had she thought she'd end up having kids, but now it felt plausible . . . like something she'd actually want. And, okay, maybe she was being a little biased, but she wanted a daughter; a daughter she'd raise telling her that she was beautiful and amazing no matter what. Izzy would never let society do to her daughter what it had done to her. She'd protect that girl, and she'd love her like her mother loved her. And she'd name her Julia, Jules for short . . . after her mother.
But then, Izzy wondered who she'd end up with and her heart pounded a little harder in her chest. For a while, it was Rafe. That was a given. But Rafe wasn't in her life anymore. And, sure, she'd always care for him even if she didn't want to, but the mystery groom wasn't him anymore. She wanted to believe she didn't know who it was, because honestly, who the hell thinks about forever at sixteen? But then she blinked out of her daze and saw JJ Maybank drawing circles into the sand with a stick, and it just clicked.
Almost as if he could feel her eyes on him, JJ glanced up, catching her gaze, and a grin slid onto his face. Izzy felt herself smile. It's him, she thought. And it was. He was the person she saw standing beside her when she got everything she wanted. And maybe that was such a cliche, but Izzy didn't care. She didn't care so much that it made her wonder if love actually was real. Because maybe . . . maybe it was. But she didn't want to think about that too much, so she just didn't.
"You comin' or what?" JJ called over to her, gesturing for her to join him.
And she did. "Would you, like, chill out?" she muttered back as she walked toward the boy, her bare feet padding against the sand. She didn't even think about how the sand used to burn the soles of her feet . . . because it didn't anymore. And she realized, there was nothing to be afraid of in the first place. This was just a beach. She was just standing on normal sand. And she was just a girl standing in front of a boy who made her feel like the sun.
"I haven't been here in a long time," JJ remarked as he glanced around the beach. He dropped the stick, letting it fall to the ground before he brought his hands up to remove his cap and lazily fix his hair. He ran his hand through his hair one last time, then he put the cap back on, turning the bill to the back. And once he was done, he turned back to Izzy and smirked. "Actually . . . if I remember correctly . . . the last time I was here you kissed me."
Izzy immediately narrowed her eyes into slits. "I was thirteen," she mumbled as she glared at him.
The corners of his lips twitched. "You still did it," he said with a small shrug.
Izzy stared at him for a second, searching his eyes before she rolled her eyes and released a sigh. "Well, I liked you. Obviously I kissed you," she admitted with a click of her tongue.
"Oh, I know—" JJ leaned down so his face was mere centimeters from hers— "I just wanted to hear you admit it." A smug grin slid onto his face as he sent her a wink, then he slowly backed away from her. He was laughing slightly as he departed from her, which only made her glare harder at him. But he ignored her dirty looks and only shrugged at her before he laid down on the ground and stared into the night sky with his arms behind his head to prop himself up.
Izzy only rolled her eyes. "Ass," she muttered under her breath. She looked at him for a second longer, observing how his eyes traveled from star to star, then she decided 'fuck it' and laid down beside him. She put an arm behind her head to prop herself up and let her other hand drape across her stomach as she observed the stars.
The silence consumed the world a second later, but it wasn't lethal. It felt warm, like a tear on a cheek, and Izzy realized that occurred because she was exactly where she wanted to be. Maybe this whole Goonies treasure hunt bullshit was a sign in a way. (Or maybe she really should have just stopped looking at her Astrology chart and taking everything for a sign, but whatever.) Still, maybe this whole thing was a sign in the sense it had led her down the path she needed the most. Because there she was laying next to the one person who made her feel like she could finally breathe, and she didn't want to be anywhere except there. So, maybe, sometimes things just worked out. And maybe everything would work out. She could only hope they would be able to get justice for John B and his father all the while retrieving the gold, and that would be it. She had to believe that would happen, because that was what she wanted.
Izzy just wanted to believe that sometimes the good did happen. She wanted to believe in all that again. And she wanted to believe that she made the right choices; that she was on the right path; that there was still time to fix the mistakes she had made. Izzy Windsor wanted hope. And wanting to believe in that again was what chose her next words for her.
"Do you think John B's gonna' be okay?" she asked, suddenly, stunning them both. It wasn't a shocking question, but she supposed, the both of them were still trying to wrap their heads around what the fuck just happened, so, they hadn't expected to hit the nail right on the head so soon. "It's just . . . I know how it feels, you know? Sure, it's not the same . . . but I know what it feels like to have a family member just be . . . gone . . . dead."
JJ was silent for a minute as he gathered his thoughts. And then he did gather his thoughts and his voice filtered through the air. "John B knows how to take care of himself. He's like a cockroach, you know? Can't kill those fuckers," he said, laughing lightly, but his voice was strained. He glanced over at Izzy, catching sight of her solemn expression, and then he sighed. "Look, I think he just needs time to figure shit out on his own. Bothering him wouldn't do us any good. He'll turn up by tomorrow and we'll get through this together. It's what Pogues do."
Izzy stared at him, studying his blue eyes. The moonlight made them appear lighter almost like a clear blue (like the type of blue you'd mix together to paint clouds on a sunny day). But it wasn't just that. He seemed lost inside his own head, drifting in a sea of his thoughts. "Are you okay?" she asked, the words flowing off her tongue without so much as a second thought.
JJ blinked, stunned, but then he shook his head and snorted. "Iz, come on," he trailed off as a small, lazy smile toyed at his lips.
But Izzy had always been the type to just see right through people. "Don't play dumb with me," she snapped. Her expression softened slightly as she reached forward and tipped his hat off his head so she could tangle her fingers through the blond waves. "Are you okay? For real . . . "
JJ searched her eyes for a second before his eyes fluttered closed and he sighed. "Big John was like a father to me. He took us all in. We were like stray mutts . . . he used to say," he mumbled, his voice barely above a whisper. "It just sucks."
Izzy dropped her hand to his chest. "It's this island . . . I swear," she muttered, bitterly. "It's, like, fuckin' cursed or some shit."
A smile lifted onto his face as his eyes fluttered open and connected with hers. "If I could . . . I'd burn it to the ground," he mused.
She smiled then, too. "And salt the earth behind you," she added before she bit her bottom lip and laughed, slightly.
"Sometimes I want to run away and never come back," JJ admitted.
Izzy nodded. "I told you . . . Lacanau."
The smile on JJ's face only grew more. "To going to Lacanau and never looking back."
"To going to Lacanau," Izzy agreed as her smile grew as well.
"Fuck this hellhole," JJ muttered. He turned his head so he was staring into the night sky, and then he shoved his hand in the air, showcasing his middle finger. "Fuck you, OBX! Fuck you!"
Izzy let her hand drop from his chest and then she was also turning to glare at the night sky. The stars winked at her, but they didn't bring her peace. They winked at her as if they were mocking her, reminding her she'd never amount to anything other than Outer Banks's prized possession like she was some diamond necklace sitting in a display. And that feeling alone was enough to convince her to stop holding back, and break the bottle containing her chaos. She let her chaos explode as she flipped off the world and joined her boyfriend in his shouts. "Fuck you! Fuck you, OBX!" she yelled.
When the two finally let their shouts fizzle into a silent whisper, they stared at the sky without speaking a word, and then they let themselves laugh. Another second passed before JJ muttered something under his breath before standing to his feet and holding out a hand for Izzy to take. But Izzy only stared at him with a quirked brow and too many questions playing on her mind to think about anything else other than the boy standing before her.
JJ only shrugged at the questioning expression on her face. "Wanna' go for a swim?" he asked as he gestured to his outstretched hand, clearly wanting her to follow his lead.
Izzy propped herself up on her elbows and gave him a look. "Why are you always trying to drown me?"
He dropped his hand, letting it slap against his thigh. "Look, I need something to get my mind off this shit and you said you wanted to learn how to swim," he explained, softly.
Izzy scrunched her nose. "I don't think I said that," she mumbled. Really, she was just avoiding the idea of going into the water, because no matter how many times she told herself she wasn't afraid . . . she still was.
JJ playfully rolled his eyes. "We won't go too far," he assured, his voice soft. "We'll stay where you can still stand."
Izzy bit her lip. "Um . . . "
JJ didn't respond; he didn't make a snarky remark or anything. He only searched her face in silence for a few seconds, seemingly lost in his own head. And then, he nodded at his thoughts and began unbuttoning his shirt, tossing it to the ground. He then reached for the hem of his tank top and pulled it over his head before he tossed that aside as well, letting it pile on top of his other shirt.
Izzy gave him a look and squinted her eyes at him. "Why are you always getting naked in front of me?" she asked, bitterly . . . but like . . . she wasn't really complaining.
A small laugh escaped JJ's lips as he shook his head. He kicked off his shoes then tore off his socks and threw them on top of his other clothes. Once he was left in only his shorts, he turned back to Izzy and outstretched his hand once again. "Take my hand," he said, gesturing to his hand with his eyes. "Don't you trust me, Windsor?"
Izzy stared at him for a minute, glancing between his hand and his face. She did say she wanted hope and she did say she wanted to sucker punch fear in the face so . . . fuck it. She gave a sigh before she reached forward and clasped his hand in hers, letting him pull her to her feet. "I hate you," she muttered as she glared at him.
The Maybank boy only responded by quickly pressing his lips against hers, kissing her. Izzy flipped him off and rolled her eyes before she began to tug off her shorts and threw them at him. He, however, wasn't paying attention as his eyes were trained on her, not her hands, so he fumbled with catching the shorts, causing them to fall to the ground.
Izzy raised a brow. "Nice hands," she said in a monotonous voice.
JJ smirked. "Nice legs," he said as he gestured to her bare legs with his eyes.
"Bitch," Izzy scoffed. She took off her jewelry and placed them on top of her shorts before she took a hair tie from around her wrist and used it to tie up her short hair. She decided to leave her indigo embroidered Dylan bra (the one with the front zipper and daisies sewn into the denim (Izzy fucking loved it)) on since she had nothing on underneath it. (She'd changed when she got home, so the top was obviously worth more than her old crewneck, but honestly, she wasn't too worried about the bra getting wet, because, whatever. She'd just buy a new one anyway.)
Once she was done, Izzy crossed her arms over her chest and shot JJ a look as if to tell him to move. There was no way in Hell she was going to walk into the ocean first. And JJ didn't seem to mind. He simply gave a shrug before he walked toward the ocean, then stopped where the water met the sand and glanced back at Izzy. The Windsor girl rolled her eyes at him and reached to grab his hand, which caused him to emit a laugh. The two of them walked into the ocean, JJ in the lead while Izzy cringed as the water lapped around her ankles. They walked further into the water until it pooled around their waists, and then JJ pulled her into him. He secured his arms around her waist, waiting for her to wrap her legs around him and encircle her arms around his neck before he slowly submerged them into the water. The water now lapped around their shoulders, and Izzy didn't totally feel like she was going to drown.
After a minute, JJ started talking. "See look . . . no waves, just still water," he observed, but his eyes stayed on her face. "The only thing to make this better would be a joint."
Izzy ignored him and let herself get wrapped up in his being. She tugged him closer, trying to ignore the water lapping around her skin by focusing on the warmth of his body radiating onto hers. And it worked. She let herself be consumed by the scent of saltwater and a slight undertone of weed which oozed from JJ's skin. She rested her head on his shoulder as she closed her eyes and breathed out through her nose.
As the two of them floated in the ocean, Izzy realized something. She realized maybe the water wasn't so scary. Sure, the whole 'unidentified animals living in the depths of the ocean' still scared the shit out of her, but it wasn't so bad anymore. She thought maybe she could actually learn how to swim, since . . . you know . . . it was kind of embarrassing at this point considering her age, but whatever. If only JJ would actually teach her, instead of doing whatever this was. Again . . . she wasn't complaining but still.
"You know you're not actually teaching me how to swim, right?" Izzy voiced her thoughts.
JJ laughed. "Yeah, I know," he remarked, smugly. "I just wanted to feel your arms around me."
Izzy pulled back and gave him an unamused look. "God, major eye roll," she muttered under her breath as she turned her attention to the ocean, observing how the water rippled.
"Did you just say 'major eye roll' like verbally?" JJ asked, laughing slightly as he raised his brows.
Izzy turned back to meet his gaze and shrugged. "Yeah, you can hear, can't you?"
JJ shook his head. "I might have to drown you now," he said, the corners of his lips twitching into a small smile. He didn't really know what to do with himself and that much was clear.
Izzy only rolled her eyes (for real this time). "JJ . . . what's your full name?"
JJ furrowed his brows. "Why?"
"So I can put it on your obituary when I kill you," Izzy muttered. "Duh." But also she kind of wanted to know. She realized she had never actually asked him and he had never told her. Plus, it couldn't hurt to know his full name, so whatever, that was why she asked.
"Hilarious," JJ remarked, sarcastically. He just stared at her for a while after that, contemplating telling her the truth, and for a second Izzy thought he might not reveal to her his name, but then he began to speak. "It's Jesse James."
Izzy laughed. She couldn't help it. She just laughed. It wasn't like it was a bad name . . . she just didn't expect it to be that. "Jesse James Maybank . . . huh . . . " she mused, letting her words trail off as another laugh consumed her. She contained her laughter and bit her bottom lip, but she couldn't stop the amused grin which slid onto her face. "I would have guessed like Jessup or like Jeremiah."
"Okay, listen, Dora, I didn't choose my name," JJ bluntly said.
"Jesse, calm down," Izzy said, patting his chest. "Flustered is not a good look on you."
JJ playfully rolled his eyes. "All right, what's your middle name then?"
Izzy wet her lips. "Jane," she breathed.
"Jane?" JJ asked. "Like Mary Jane." He brought his hand to his lips, imitating smoking a joint.
"No," Izzy scoffed, "after my grandmother."
JJ blew a raspberry. "Boring."
Izzy gave him a blank look. "She's dead, you dick."
"R.I.P grandma Windsor," JJ winced. He brought his hand out of the water again and formed his fingers into the shape of a cross before he kissed them and saluted the sky.
Izzy rolled her eyes. "She was a Davenport . . . actually," she corrected. "On my mom's side of the family."
"Huh . . . " JJ trailed off as he submerged his hand back into the water and gripped her thigh, adjusting her slightly on his waist so she wouldn't slip out of his grasp. His hand lingered there as he grazed his thumb over the skin of her thigh. "I guess I never knew your mom's maiden name."
Izzy shrugged. "We're not really supposed to mention it. The Windsor brand is basically just supposed to be just Windsor. So Davenport just kind of got lost when they got married . . . I guess," she muttered. "Sometimes I forget my mom had a life before she became a Windsor."
JJ's eyes softened. "Do you talk to them?"
"My mom's side of the family?" Izzy questioned as she searched his eyes.
JJ only nodded.
A second later, her hand was in his hair as she absentmindedly twirled the longer strands of his blond waves around her fingers while she tried to collect her thoughts. She had never really known her mother's side of the family, which hadn't bothered her that much before, but now it felt different. Maybe things could have been different. "No, not really," she finally mumbled. "They only check in when someone dies. I mean like they kind of went awol when my mom agreed to marry my dad. I don't really know why though. I mean they're rich, too. Not as rich as my dad, but still rich rich."
JJ squinted his eyes. "What like millionaires?"
"Not sure," Izzy admitted . . . because honestly, she didn't know. She didn't know anything about the Davenports. Hell, it seemed like Julia had never even been apart of them, hence why Izzy never really saw her mother as a Julia Davenport. Julia was always just a Windsor, which didn't seem right either. But whatever. "They're probably assholes too, though."
"Most rich people are," JJ muttered.
It was silent again, but this time it made her skin crawl. So Izzy did what she always did, and she changed the subject. Besides, she didn't really want to think about her other side of the family and what could have been. "So, Jesse James . . . you know . . . Kie said you used to watch my site . . . is that right?" she questioned. She had been dying to hear him admit it since Kiara told her.
JJ blinked, then made a face. "Uh, well, not religiously," he muttered, his voice quiet.
Izzy rolled her eyes. He was so obvious. "Okay, Maybank," she began. "It's okay if you did. I know you're obsessed with me."
JJ laughed, and then he nodded. "Yeah, I used to watch you," he admitted with a small shrug.
"Well, that just sounds creepy," Izzy remarked, scoffing slightly. But the corners of her lips perked into a small grin, giving her true feelings away.
"What do you want me to say?" JJ countered. "I did. I have no shame."
"Do you ever?"
JJ nodded. "Eighth grade," he said, wincing slightly. "Some bad bad decisions were made. I—"
"I don't want to know," Izzy snapped, cutting him off. "If I do I think I might have to kick you out of the ocean and my house."
"Whatever, Princess. I used to watch your site, okay?" JJ admitted. "You happy?"
With his confirmation, Izzy felt her heart pound faster in her chest. She didn't know how she didn't see it before. He had always done everything to help her even if he'd occasionally make a snarky remark. He'd driven her home when she was drunk, he'd patched up the cut on her forehead, and he was there most of the time when she'd driven through the red lights. He had always been there. Not to mention he'd cleaned all those lockers for the sake of her sanity. Maybe she had just been too in denial to accept that someone would actually want to go out of their way and help her like he had. She blamed the way she was raised for that fact, but now . . . now she was trying to break that chain.
But still . . . Izzy narrowed her eyes slightly. "What exactly did you watch?"
"Your legs mostly," JJ mused, smirking slightly.
Izzy lightly smacked his chest. "Shut up,"
JJ snorted. "No, I'm serious," he said as he tugged her closer to him, adjusting his arm around her waist and the one on her thigh. "Up close they're—"
Izzy put a hand up, stopping him. "Finish that and you're sleeping on the porch," she spat.
A smug grin only consumed his face. "Up close they're a little chicken-like but—"
Izzy clamped a hand down over his mouth, cutting off his words. He still tried to finish his sentence, but the girl only shook her head at his attempt. "You're a dead man, J," she said. But she didn't get the response she expected. Instead, JJ licked her hand, causing her to release her grip. Izzy washed her hand in the water and groaned in disgust as the boy laughed. Her eyes snapped to meet his and she glared at him while she shook her head. "Ew. Do that again and I will come for you, got it, bitch?"
Another laugh bubbled from JJ's lips before he leaned forward and pressed his lips against hers, kissing her. The warmth of his lips on hers melted any other thoughts out of her mind, liquifying her previous irritation as she faded into a feeling of bliss. She wrapped her arm around his neck again and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss. She felt it all. She felt his lips on hers, his hand tangled in her blonde hair, and his other hand on her thigh as the pads of his fingers dug into her flesh. She felt it all and she reveled in every bit of it. He pulled back slightly a second later to catch his breath, and somehow, Izzy still felt as though she was consumed by flames, heating her cheeks into a rosy pink.
The two of them caught their breaths, but neither of them moved. JJ kept her close to him with both of his arms now secured around her waist. And his eyes were searching hers again, and they seemed to soften as he drifted his gaze over her face. "For the record . . . I watched your site to make sure you were okay," he admitted, softly and so quiet she barely heard him.
Izzy felt herself smile. "I know."
"Also you're hot so that was a plus," JJ added, suddenly.
Izzy shot him a blank look. "Okay, you ruined it."
A laugh was her only response before she shook her head and kissed him. And as she let him consume her once again, she felt almost invincible. The feeling consumed her and she thought maybe the two of them could set the entirety of the Outer Banks into flames. They'd be sure to salt the earth behind them, prohibiting any life from ever growing there again, and then they'd leave the island they'd turned into a city of ash, and they'd never fucking return.
a/n: anyways, i wanted to add the beach scene before everything goes downhill and the events of the last few episodes happen. izzy & jj deserve just a lil bit of happiness before shit hits the fan.
also ik jj's name is probably john, but i don't care. me & blue decided no we won't be listening to canon and instead headcanoning his name as jesse james. that's all </3
also also would anyone read a pope fic? it'd be an au taking place during their freshman year! 🥺👉👈
thanks for reading!