The rest of that day passed quickly, though my classes didn't receive the focus they usually did, partly because I was tired, mostly because my mind kept wandering off topic and back to Katherine.
I spent the morning in a lecture that was released early because a few of the students spiced it up with a loud argument that nearly came to blows, then an hour ticked by in the dining hall before my next class. I'd been looking forward to the neurology case-based small group because I could sit alone and think and the teacher would just assume I was having an off day, but my grand plan for introspection was foiled when Fran Gable, Layla Pierce, and another girl whose name I didn't know crowded together behind me and whispered to each other the entire period.
I crossed my arms on the desk and leaned forward. Something solid bumped against my hand and I fished a smooth stone with a hole through it out from under my shirt. I had put it on while examining the other artifacts, and while I'd never quite forgotten it, I'd had other concerns that kept pushing it out of my mind. I tucked it back under my collar and did my best to pay attention for the rest of the hour.
The dancing lights continued to come and go, but I had begun to tune them out as a minor annoyance. If that was the only down side of being free of my disability, they were welcome to stay.
When my classes ended I spent time at the library in Tory Hall, looking up psychoactive drugs, but concern for my girlfriend continued to intrude, and after reading the same paragraph several times, I decided I'd waited long enough. With my backpack slung over one shoulder, I tapped Katherine's number into my phone as I left the building. She picked up on the fourth ring.
"Hello." Her voice sounded flat and hollow.
"Katherine, hi, it's me."
"I don't know anyone named me," she answered.
"It was funnier when I said it."
"It was never funny, Thomas," The usual repartee had none of its spark and that worried me.
"Hey, so... um, I just wanted to make sure you were okay," I said, trying to keep my voice light. "You scared me last night."
"That makes two of us. I'm sorry."
"Sorry? For what?"
"For ruining the evening. I was looking forward to... and..." she cut herself off and silence hung between us.
"You didn't do anything," I said, dismissing her concern. "I'm not sure what happened, but I'm more glad you're okay than upset that you had to leave."
After another few seconds, she answered, "I'm just so embarrassed, what you must think of me..." she didn't finish her thought but trailed off to a hush and left it there. This wasn't the Katherine I'd been dating for half a year.
"What I think is that I'm glad my girlfriend isn't in the hospital." I reached my car and unlocked the door. "Rachel says you blacked out."
"I remember more now. We were watching TV and holding hands and then I was on a bed, Rachel was there, and you were gone."
"I'm sorry," I said as I slid into the driver's seat. "I wanted to stay but Rachel kicked me out."
"I know, she told me. I remember drinking beer."
"You had a couple sips, that's all." She didn't reply, so I went on. "You're okay then? No lingering weirdness?"
"I suppose." Another moment of silence, then, "Thomas, can I ask you for something?" She changed the subject clumsily, which, again, wasn't the Katherine I knew.
"You know you can. If it's in my power it's yours, always."
"Can I see you?"
"Only if your eyes are open."
"I'm serious."
"I know, I'm sorry," I said, "Do you want to meet me back at the apartment?"
"No, can you come here? Penny is leaving soon, so I have the dorm." I heard a voice in the background but couldn't make out any words, then Katherine's again, but muffled, "No Penn, please just go."
"When do you want me to come over?" I said, pretending I hadn't heard anything.
"Is now too soon?"
"Now is perfect, I'm just leaving school. I'll be there in ten minutes."
It was closer to eight since her dorm was only separated from the main campus by a single residential road. I might have walked it in less time. I used Katherine's card to enter, and felt embarrassed as I passed Rachel's door. There had been nothing illicit in Rachel's hug, nothing happened that I'd have been ashamed of if Katherine had been with us. She might have teased, or it may have ended in warm fuzzies all around, but she hadn't been there, and that seemed to make all the difference.
I trotted past several more doors, took the stairwell on my right to the second floor, and stopped at the top stair. It felt wrong. I'd practically sprinted from the ground floor and felt my heart working to keep my brain and muscles supplied with oxygen, but I wasn't doubled over, choking on ragged breaths. There had been days I had to rest between flights on that very staircase. My legs, however, still shook. Maybe I'd need to invest in a gym membership.
A few feet down the hall, Katherine's door was ajar, and I knocked lightly then pushed it open. She sat on her bed glowering at a thin, leggy, red-haired woman in tight jeans and a lacy, acid green bra. The ceiling suddenly became remarkably interesting.
"Oh hi, Tommy!" Penny teased, "Kath said you were coming. I'll be out of your hair in a minute."
I walked through the door and stood facing Katherine who rolled her eyes and slowly shook her head.
"Hi, Penny. Laundry day?" I quipped. I was torn, flustered over her state of undress but also glad for the distraction. It was better than worry, or over-thinking Rachel's hug.
"Just finishing up." Penny answered, then shortly, "There, tiger, I'm decent. You can look now."
I checked Katherine's face before complying. Penny liked to make me uncomfortable and had no reservations about using her body to do it. She wasn't classically beautiful, but her confidence and personality made it seem like raw, undiluted sex oozed out of her pores, and that wasn't the first time I'd seen her half-naked accidentally on purpose.
"Penn was on her way out," Katherine said, obviously annoyed.
"You're no fun, Kitten." Penny flashed her an evil grin and winked at me, using the off-limits name just to rile her up. The two didn't have a bad relationship, but Penny didn't let anything get in the way of her entertainment, including friendship. Katherine said nothing, but sat with her elbows on her knees giving Penny the stink-eye.
"Alright I get the message sweetie, I'm going," Penny said, close to laughter. She gave the hem of her crop top another yank and turned to me on her way through the door, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do, Loverboy." She gave the door a tug and it swung shut but not hard enough to latch.
Katherine sighed and said, "That just leaves murder and keeping your clothes on. Think you can manage?" She indulged in a frown and another dramatic eyeroll.
"She's harmless," I shrugged, trying to bring the mood up a little as I joined Katherine on the edge of her bed.
"No, Thomas, she's not," she warned. "I like Penny, but she's a lit match. She'll burn you if you get too close." She never said anything like that about anyone, at least not to me. I put my hand on her shoulder.
"Katherine are you okay?" She was still in jeans and sported the yellow T-shirt I had bought as a gag gift a couple months earlier. The front was dominated by the giant face of a kitten and she had vowed never to wear it.
Her brow furrowed and she sighed, "I honestly don't know. I've been here all day just feeling," she hunted for the word, "empty."
"You weren't at class?"
She shook her head. A lock of hair came loose and she brushed it absently over her ear. Missing classes wasn't a good sign. Katherine was a dedicated student and the fact that our schedules were too busy for a rampant social life was one of the reasons we worked well together. Neither of us placed unreasonable demands on the other's time.
"Have you ever skipped before?"
"Couple times, when I was sick."
"Are you sick?"
She shook her head again, "No. I don't think so."
I put my arm around her, and she leaned into me, "Sorry," she sighed, "I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer."
"You're not," I assured her, "Remember when I got the shakes so bad, and you tried to comfort me, and I just lost my temper for no reason?" We'd only been seeing each other a few weeks at that point, barely official, and she took it like a complete champion, absorbing my assault, and calming me gently once it passed.
I felt her nod against my chest. "Yeah I was surprised, but I was ready too. You warned me what getting involved with you meant."
"Well you were there for me then, and I'm here for you now."
She laughed quietly, "Smooth. You should write for Hallmark."
"They couldn't afford me," I said, and she smiled and wrapped one arm around my waist in a brief hug, driving off the tension that had been building in my shoulders for most of the day. Finally disengaging, she sat up looking more like herself.
"Thanks for coming."
"Wild horses," I replied. "Feeling better?"
"Much, actually. It's been a weird day." She edged away so she could face me. "I was fine for a couple of hours. Ate, had my shower, figured maybe I'd been sick or had some sort of allergy attack." I didn't believe either of those could explain it, but I nodded encouragingly. "Then I don't know," she sighed, "I started feeling tired, then depressed, then I just missed you and started crying. I felt like I lost time with you that I'd never get back and it made me feel so... sad."
"But you're better now?"
"Yeah," she sniffed and nodded with a smile, "Yeah I really am. I feel almost normal."
"I have that effect on women."
"You make women feel normal?" she teased with a wry smile. "I wouldn't put that on your resume."
"Yeah, I thought I was being clever until it came out."
"You should try thinking more and clevering less."
"I was always a better thinker than a cleverer," I agreed, and she laughed and the broken pieces of my world slipped back into place.
I stayed with her for a couple more hours and we just talked, Katherine becoming more animated and cheerful as time passed until she was bordering on exuberant. Eventually, the conversation turned back to the evening before.
"You have no idea what you might have gotten into? No new medication or anything?" I leaned forward in her desk chair.
Katherine lay prone on her bed, head resting in her palms. "I've never had anything stronger than aspirin. I took one yesterday, can those go bad?"
"If it did, you'd know it. They stink like vinegar. Did you call a doctor? You were pretty adamant about not going while you were out of it."
She scoffed, "No, what am I going to tell them, that I got drunk and had the sads?"
"Maybe it's just early-onset dementia," I suggested and that triggered a glare.
"Not cool, you only took that shot because you know I won't fire back." She was right and I apologized. In light of my history, mental health jokes would have been in poor taste even if she knew how much better I was.
"What's that?" She changed the subject abruptly, pointing to my chest. I looked down at the stone pendant that had fallen out of my shirt.
"Just a trinket. I forgot I still had it on."
"It doesn't do anything for you."
"You don't like it?"
"It's a little granola for my tastes. Maybe a gold chain with a huge pendant shaped like a dollar sign." She flashed a gang sign with her fingers.
"Oh, you're hysterical," I began but Katherine changed course again.
"Is it warm in here?" she asked suddenly and sat up.
"I think it's cooling down. Why, are you having hot flashes?"
"No. I've been in this room all day, maybe I'm just feeling stuffy." Without hesitation, she grabbed the hem of her shirt and pulled it smoothly over her head. I nearly fell off my chair trying to turn around.
"Woah, Katherine!" My cheeks burned. Maybe it was getting hotter after all.
"What?" she said, "I'm wearing a bra. Well, I was, anyway."
"The play-by-play isn't helping," I said trying to find something interesting on the far wall. My eyes grazed a mirror on Penny's nightstand and I quickly shifted my gaze to the ceiling.
"It's not like you haven't seen boobs before. I'm just changing into a tank top, you can relax."
"Relax, she says," I began counting pins in the corkboard over Penny's bed. "You've been spending way too much time with your roommate."
"Thomas, we've been dating for what, seven months? I think I'm entitled to feel a little comfortable around you. You can look now."
"Maybe a little too comfortable." I cautiously turned in my chair. Her light blue tank technically satisfied the tenets of decency, if only just.
"You may as well drop the formality and call me Kitty. I just whipped my bongos out in front of you." She found a weakness and was mercilessly exploiting it.
"I wasn't looking!" I protested.
"That's not my fault." She winked, and pulled her hair up into a bun while I pulled the tangles out of my brain. It kept trying to revisit what little I'd seen.
"That's a big jump from binge-watching TV together."
"Okay so we haven't been the most intimate couple in the world. Does that mean we need to sit in the same rut forever? If the relationship isn't going somewhere, why are you in it?"
She didn't mean it as an accusation, but I still felt it wasn't a fair question, probably because I couldn't think of a good answer other than the fact that she was excellent company, put up with all of my quirks, and while it wasn't at the very top of my list, that fact that she was hotter than high noon in the Sahara certainly didn't hurt.
"Okay I get it," I surrendered, "but I sort of figured an 'I love you' would have worked its way between reruns and full-frontal nudity."
"I was only topless, you big chicken." She finished tying up her hair and pulled her legs up on the bed. "Are you saying you love me?"
"I'm not saying I don't."
"Bawk, bawk."
"Hey, now who's not playing fair? I'm still recovering from severe shock." A thought occurred to me that I didn't want to pursue, but I felt it was important. "Kath, we don't know what happened last night and this is kind of out of character, maybe we should—"
"Is it though?" she interrupted. She slid her legs off the edge of the bed and leaned toward me, her arms braced at her sides. The view down the front of her top threatened to stop my heart, but it didn't turn me on as much as it deepened my concern. She didn't know how much better I'd been, but she did know that getting me excited late in the day, when I hadn't had my meds in hours, could be dangerous, and she did it anyway.
"Tell me different," I said, trying to keep my voice dry and level.
"Maybe," she acknowledged, "Just a little." She stood up and took a step toward me. There's no world in which Katherine isn't sexy, but she began working it. "I don't feel strange though, not like before. I'm just comfortable with you, is that so bad? Maybe I just want to . . ." she gave me a meaningful look and threw my own words back at me, "shake things up a little." She rocked her shoulders slightly, but it was more than enough to produce the desired effect.
"More like heat them up." I tried to sink into my chair.
"Maybe that too." she smiled through lidded eyes. I could hear her breathing between the beats of my own pounding heart. My body responded the way any normal, healthy man's would. I wasn't just enjoying her like this, I was enthralled. I wanted to encourage her but wanting a thing doesn't make it right. I cared for Katherine very much and I wasn't about to take advantage of her, no matter what my biology had to say about it.
She loomed over me, so I reached out and took her hands to slow her down and emphasize my words. She inhaled sharply, eyes widening. That distortion in my vision returned, flashing vague stars in my periphery, and I ignored them.
"Katherine, you are my most favorite person in the world, and if I even hinted that I wasn't thoroughly enjoying the impure thoughts you're putting into my head I'd be the biggest liar ever."
Her hands trembled. I didn't know what to do.
"Whatever was affecting you last night might still be, and I wouldn't be your friend if I took advantage of that. I couldn't ever look you in the eye and tell you honestly that I loved you, and someday I hope I can."
"But not today?" her eyes were boring into mine, through them, and into my skull. I wanted to lose myself in her.
"Katherine, I—"
"Kitty."
Her eyes were glassy, but also heavy and seductive, and she leaned over me, trapping me in the chair. I couldn't turn or retreat. I didn't want to. I pushed back, stopping her again.
"No," I shook my head, "Not like this. It feels amazing, but I don't know if it's real, and neither do you."
"What if I said I don't care?" she said, undeterred.
"I don't believe you."
"I don't care."
She moved closer. I could feel her breath on my face. This wasn't her. I liked it. I didn't know what to do. She smelled sweet, like candy. Like flowers. She put her hands around my neck. I couldn't remember letting go.
"Thomas," she whispered. Her breath was almost as loud. "I want . . ."
"I should go, Kath."
"Please, Thomas," her eyes were no longer heavy. They were blazing. Hungry. "I want to be yours."
"Katherine, stop." I remember saying the words, but I couldn't recall afterward whether I'd spoken them aloud or only in my mind.
"Make me yours, Thomas," her lips were brushing mine, and I was frozen, terrified, thrilled. I felt sick and powerful and my thoughts were chaos.
"Make me your Kitty."
She kissed me.
The world exploded into brilliant, hot light. Hers wasn't the tender kiss of a lover, it was deep and ravenous, and it had no end. Time seized up and everything in the universe was Katherine's lips against mine, the unnatural heat of her tongue, the sweet smell of her breath. It was more than that. I could feel the intensity of her emotion. It was invigorating. It was unbearable.
I pushed, firm but gentle, until she was forced to step back, and my vision slowly returned.
"Thomas," she croaked, her voice thick and passionate. It stung my heart to see her like this, "Don't leave me. Don't make me go."
"I won't leave you, I promise."
"I can't—" her body went limp and she collapsed. I caught her, barely, and gently settled her to the floor as I knelt beside her. "I need you, Thomas." She began to cry. "Why do I need you? Why does it hurt?"
I didn't know what to say. I wanted to hold her. I dared not.
"I'm calling Rachel,"
"NO!" she shouted. For a moment, anger burned through her tears, but it vanished almost instantly. "Please don't. If you want, I'll go to the hospital, but only with you, just don't leave me." Her movements were becoming sluggish, her eyes unfocused, just like the night before.
I'm ashamed to say I froze, too stunned to give her comfort, old habits rendering me inert among turbulent emotions. I knelt next to her, numb and ineffectual. Seconds passed while she collapsed in every way a person could, and I hated myself.
A green light glinted at the bottom of my periphery and I thought at first it was the same visual distortion I'd been experiencing for days, but it didn't move or fade. I looked down. The stone pendant was glowing.
That wasn't right. The light didn't come from the stone, it came through it. I picked it up and almost dropped it again, cursing in surprise.
Through the hole in the center of the stone, Katherine's body glowed brightly, a tangled network of orange threads undulating around and through her, with wide patches of brilliant, poisonous green across her chest, abdomen, and neck. They pulsed in time with her ragged breathing and cast a flickering glow over the floor. Everything else in the room was gray except for me. I shone brilliantly with that same wicked green, outlined in a faint corona of gold.
I dropped the stone as if it had become red-hot. "I don't know what's going on, but I need to get you out of here." I reached down to take her into my arms. She had stopped crying and I thought she might have passed out, but her eyes were open, her breathing, rapid and shallow.
"Do not touch her!" came a shout from behind me and I startled so badly I had to catch myself with one arm as I turned in alarm. Miss Gold stood In the doorway behind me, fierce and immaculate.