(This chapter was inspired by the monologue posted by Yuri Lowenthal (Sasuke's English voice actor). In the speech Sasuke explains his past actions to Sakura. I wanted to incorporate his text to this story so all the credits go to him! Go check out his video and the link is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9JG4Bia09o I added some things to it to make it fit to the chapter. Hope you will like it!)
Sunday, 24th of May. Baby is 8 weeks old.
It was late at night already and Sasuke was still around Konoha. Just after leaving early this morning, he struggled to find the strength to fully leave this place. There was something on his chest, something that he wanted to say but he never did. He had been thinking of saying it for a very long time now, even before he married her but he never found the right moment. He also never found the courage to say it out loud and eventually he forgot about it. He put it on the back of his mind and never really focused on it but for some reason it was stopping him from leaving the village today.
He looked at the moon and wondered if maybe he couldn't leave without saying it because he had a bad feeling about this mission. There was no point in staying here any longer, he was just going to talk to her.
On his way back to her apartment, he hoped with his entire heart that she was asleep. He needed her to be asleep.
He landed just behind the bedroom window and looked inside. Sakura seemed to be asleep. He looked around the room and he saw the baby crib. So she was already struggling with being alone.
The window was slightly opened and Sasuke pushed it to get inside quietly. With a smile for his daughter he walked around the bed to lay on his usual side. He realized just after seeing it, that his old t-shirt became Sarada's blanket. He put down his bag and lay down on his back making sure that he wasn't touching his wife.
"Hey sakura. I know it's late and I know I didn't give you any notice that I was going home tonight but there's been some things on my mind that I wanted to tell you." he took a deep breath and whispered more quietly. "I'm not used to speaking like this. I don't know how to express my feelings. Dammit. And with you turned away from me on the bed right now, I'm not even sure if you're awake. It doesn't matter. If you are awake, don't say anything." her pink hair was covering most of the space between them. Sasuke took a strand of it and looked at it as he continued talking. "And if you aren't asleep then this will be some part of a beautiful dream." he chuckled feeling a bit stupid.
"I often dismissed you. But that was because I was afraid of my feelings for you. I didn't want you to get in the way of my quest for revenge. My mission. I was mean to you because I liked you. Look at me and Naruto." he put the hair back on the mattress. His fingers tapped his belly anxiously. " The forehead thing was silly. I love your forehead. You were a healer and I was a destroyer. We balance each other out. In fact without my sharingan, your genjutsu is much more powerful than mine." he was referencing the power that she had over him. How she became the main thing that he was thinking about. It felt like he was under a genjutsu that she controlled. He stopped for a minute to get his thoughts together.
"I pushed everyone away but you always gave me all your love. You're not annoying and I forgive you for what you said about Naruto not having parents." he rolled his eyes at the memory. It was so long ago that he couldnt remember everything about it. " When you touch me, I blush. I can't control it. But I could ignore it. You saw that I wasn't as cold hearted as I needed to be. And I couldn't have anyone see that. People saw it as a weakness. I opened up to you about my past I don't know why, you make my body move on it's own. I'm not always in control around you. You confuse me." he wanted to touch her. To caress her face, to pass his arm around her waist and to keep her close but he couldn't. He couldn't because she wasn't supposed to wake up.
"After our fight with Haku, I woke with you holding me. I couldn't let you see me cry but I couldn't push you away either. You became my family. And in the end, I had to make you even more. I couldn't understand romantic love before. My mind was clouded. That's why I had to compliment you. Recognize your accomplishment during the chunin exam. Because you never would have. It was what I always would've wanted my father or even my big brother Itachi to say to me." the thought of his brother made him want to cry. Itachi would've helped him avoid all this mess.
"I'm sorry I've treated you the way I have but I guess in a way it's helped you. Fueled you to work harder for my attention, for my approval. We're not really that different you and I. I know exactly how you feel. I sometimes wonder what might have happened that day in the forest of death if you hadn't been there to inspire me to action. Would I have let Orochimaru kill me? And then what they did to you. I couldn't let them get away with it. I felt the power of the newly brought cursed seal but you, you were able to calm me. To imagine how thing could've been different if I had only recognised that love was more powerful than hate. If I had only listened. My path might have been so much different." Sasuke's mind was filled with memories that he had tried to buried for so long. Memories of a time when things were dark, when he was dark. It was hard for him to remember all of that. His chest squeezed his organs until it became painful.
"Do you remember during the Chunin exam, you asked me to withdraw. You saw my path even clearer than I did. You tried to turn me from that path but again... I did not listen. I was lost in my pain. I could only see revenge. Am I strong, I asked. That was all that mattered. I could feel what you meant to me and it made me weak... Or so I thought. That's why I said I wouldn't be able to forgive, even you. It would be a long time before I realize that you make me strong." he looked up to keep his tears from rolling down his cheeks. He took a deep and quiet breath and murmured.
"Again, when Gaara had me dead, you put yourself in hard ways to protect me. It made Gaara hesitate. And it gave me the strength again to come back. To forget revenge for a moment so that I wouldn't see another person that I love die before my eyes again. As you cried and I let you hold me, you gave me a brief time away from the darkness. And you cried for both of us." he glanced at her. She was still peacefully laying on her side. A part of him wondered how she had not gotten woken up by him. Yes he was quiet but he was still making a constant noise right now.
"I'm sorry I lashed out at you afterwards. It was only because not being able to protect the ones that I loved was shoved in my face again. And it drove me to anger. I left the village to gain the power that it would take to protect you. To protect us all. Like I couldn't protect my own family, my own brother. And that's why I wouldn't let you come with me. Let you help me get revenge. I loved you so much in that moment. I almost said yes to have a partner in my quest, to not continue the pain of my loneliness but I knew it would be dangerous. I had to protect you. I had to do it alone. That's why I told you you were annoying. Why I left you behind. All I wanted to say was "yes come with me", take you into my arms. I had to break my bonds. With you with Naruto. With the village. Having too many bonds causes one to loose focus and I couldn't loose focus." he squeezed her hair again. That was the only thing that he could touch without waking her up right now but it wasn't enough. He wanted to hold her and breathe her. He wanted her to feel how sincere and sorry he was right now.
"In the years that followed that moment, I only sank deeper into darkness. Without you and Naruto, there was nothing to keep me afloat but I wanted that. When I saw you again, it had been too long. I had been too long in the darkness. Thank you for not forgetting me like I had forgotten you. You saved me again. But you have to understand... Itachi was there first. I lost him, my family and the Leaf was to blame. I couldn't see past that. Past avenging my clan, cleansing the Uchiha name. I had to come to the other side of this darknesss to fight you and Naruto to then fight alongside you again. Perhaps, somewhere deep down, I knew you and Naruto would've never let me go. Perhaps that's what gave me the strength to go as far as I went and the strength to come back. But before I came back I had to go deeper. And to go deeper, I had to become the object of all hatred. You wouldn't hate me and I had to change that. I couldn't let you remind me of what I had lost. I couldn't have you follow me into the darkness. That's why I had to put you under such a powerful genjutsu. And so after our fight with Kaguya, after everything, I couldn't just forget what had happened. What I had done. I needed to pay for my crimes if I wanted to be able, someday, to ask for your forgiveness. To come home." he brought his hand back to his aching stomach. The emotions were stirring up something in him that made him sick.
" So I guess what I'm trying to say in my own fashion... I'm sorry. And I love you. I've always loved you. I'll never be easy. I'll never be good but I will be yours." he held his breath expecting a reaction from her but nothing other than the silence of the night followed his declaration. "I really need to go this time but I wanted to say this to you. I'm sorry because I have to leave you again. Like you said... our family is going to have to sacrifice more than everyone else but if you are willing to do it with me then... things will be fine. Today I am finally able to protect you and Sarada and I will even if I have to give up my life for it. I will protect the ones I once swore to destroy. This is my redemption, Sakura. The only way for me to cleanse myself from my past mistakes, is to sacrifice something. I can't do it alone... I don't want to do it alone." he looked at her with a smile.
"I wanted to say all of that to you for a while now. I always got scared and I eventually pushed it to the back of my head. On my way back here, I was praying that you were asleep because I didn't think that I would've had the courage to say all of this if you were awake, but now that I said it... I wish that you were awake. I will see you soon, Sakura. Take care of yourself and take care of our daughter. Make sure that she doesn't forget me..."
He stood up and grabbed something in his bag. He moved to the other side of the bed and pressed the ball of fabric against her. "Maybe this will make you feel like I am with you tonight. Just know that I was here and that I love you. I am going to miss you but I have to let you go for now so I can have the strength to leave. Just know that if I come back and I see that you have moved on... I will accept it. I can't force this life on you and expect you to wait for me. Just live your life. I will always come back to you but if one day you're not here anymore, I will understand."
He grabbed his bag and moved to the crib. "I love you, Sarada."
He jumped out of the window and while standing on the rooftop, he turned back towards her and whispered his final words. "Goodbye Sakura."