"JUST PLEASE DON'T SAY YOU LOVE ME CAUSE I MIGHT NOT SAY IT BACK, DOESN'T MEAN MY HEART STOPS SKIPPING WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT"
Sitting at the table with everyone, eating breakfast, something I haven't done in a while because most of my free time is usually spent with Kelly.
"Einstein had like six versions of the same clothes because he didn't want to think about that" and here is another random thought from Mouch. "So are you calling yourself a genius then?" Otis questions, his confused look matching mine.
Before Mouch can reply, Brett struts in and places a vase filled with purple flowers right in the centre of the table.
"What's this?" I question, smiling at a beaming Brett.
"Thought I'd brighten up the place" she gets all giddy, "spring is here you guys!" She cheers, "summer is on it's way" she seems very excited about this. "These are so pretty!" Kidd compliments, "thank you" Brett smiles even wider than I thought was possible.
"Little early in the morning for perkiness" Hermann mentions, dampening Brett's smile.
"Oh don't listen to Debby Downer over here" I nudge Hermann, "these are beautiful and they really do brighten up the room" she smiles again, happy with my sentiment.
Mouch ruining the moment with a loud sneeze.
"You need to get them out of here" you can hear the phlegm trapped in his throat, "allergies" he adds. "Yeah, hydrangea's don't have pollen" Otis comes through with his common sense, "I think you might be getting a cold" he states.
"Hey Lieutenant" Cruz sits up, I look behind me, not even realising Kelly had come in but now that I see him, I can't take my eyes off him.
"I saw all those boxes in your car this morning" Cruz continues, "are you moving?" He better not be. "No, Benny's house got sold, I had to clear the place out" he pours himself a mug of coffee while I sit and wonder why he didn't tell me about that.
"Well uhm" Cruz gets up, "I happened to notice the classic George Foreman grill in there-" he gets ready to make his pitch.
"All yours" Kelly saves him the trouble, throwing Cruz his car keys.
"Thanks boss!" Cruz exclaims before running outside.
I take this as my chance to get up and meet him at the coffee machine, taking his hand and slowly leading him out of the living room and into the laundry room because it's the closest.
Taking the mug out of his hand before I place his arms around my waist, locking my hands at the back of his neck. "Good morning" I step closer so there is no space between us, "it's starting to seem like a great morning" he leans down.
Our lips connect, the fresh taste of coffee enthrals me as I lick along his bottom lip.
He lifts me up and sits me down on the washing machine, not breaking the kiss for even a second. Moving his hands from my waist so they go under my shirt, stroking my back and playing with my bra strap.
I spread my legs and he easily finds his way between, moving closer until we are chest to chest again.
My fingers roaming down his broad back, scratching through his shirt as he playfully nibbles at my bottom lip.
"So is that why you didn't come over last night?" I whisper, "mmmhh" he mumbles against my lips, deepening the kiss as his tongue overpowers mine. "You could have asked me" I softly pull away, "I know" he leans in again but I hold him back by his shoulders.
"Why didn't you then?" I ask.
"Because like you said, we are just friends" he shrugs, "yeah but friends can help friends clear out their late fathers house" I state. "I don't really want to talk about my father right now" he tries to undo my bra strap, "well too bad, because I want to" I take his hands out of my shirt.
"So was this your plan? Seduce me and then corner me?" He figures it out.
"Yup" I nod proudly.
"How was it?" I ask him seriously, "I mean yeah it was hard but I got it done" he shrugs, "the hard one is going to be the cabin" he adds. "Cabin?" I don't think he has mentioned this to me before, "yeah, he owned a cabin by Lake Michigan but now I'm selling it" he steps back to allow me to jump off the machine.
"I used to go up all the time when I was younger" he reminisces, "so many fishing trips" I trace up and down his back to soothe him.
"Would it help if you had some company?" I offer, "you don't have to" he goes to decline, "but I want to" I assure him. "I want you to know you can always come to me" I hold his face in my hands to make sure he is looking at me, "and talk about anything that is weighing on you."
"I know" he moves my hand from his cheek to hold it in his, "I would appreciate you coming with me" he admits.
"Consider it done" I state, "after shift?" I suggest, "sounds good" he agrees.
"Now, can we go back to what we were doing before" he lifts me back onto the washing machine, "I guess" I bring him closer, ready to feel the touch of his lips again.
"ENGINE 51, AMBULANCE 61, SQUAD 3, TRUCK 81!" The siren interrupts us before our lips can touch.
"Or not" I chuckle, pecking the tip of his nose before jumping off the washing machine again as we rush to the squad rig.
"Thanks again for the grill Lieutenant, I really appreciate it" Cruz is looking like a kid on Christmas, "no worries Cruz, it's going to get better use with you anyway" Kelly shrugs. "What? Not a BBQ kind of guy?" I tease, "not really" he replies.
"That's a shame" I sigh, "you would look really hot manning a grill" Kelly chuckles at how bold I am being, especially in front of the boys.
"In that case, Cruz, I might need the grill back" Kelly jokes, "no Lieutenant, no take backsies" Cruz shakes his head, "and you shut up" he whispers to me.
We get to the scene, it's a block of apartments but the bottom one has been converted into a salon, and it's the one that is on fire.
"Fire is in the salon, on the first floor, let's make sure it doesn't escape" Boden orders, "resident's coming down the fire escape" Kelly points out the residents fleeing down.
"Alright, Truck a primary search and Engine lead out a line into that salon" Boden instructs, "Squad get those people down safely" we all rush to where we have been ordered to go, wanting to prevent this fire from getting worse.
"Tony, Capp, help people down the ladder drop!" Kelly calls out, "Cruz and Lewis with me, we're going up" he states.
"Copy that" we all respond.
We wait for the residents to slowly climb down the fire escape, not wanting them to miss a step, Capp and Tony helping them reach the ground. When it all seems clear, a slightly elderly woman comes from one of the top apartments and onto the fire escape.
She misses a step and slides down the stairs, landing harshly as she cries out in pain.
"Come on" Kelly orders and I am the first to start climbing up the stairs quickly to get to her, Kelly and Cruz hot on my heels.
We get to her and her head has collided with the edge of a concrete window seal, starting to bleed slowly.
"Okay ma'am, we are going to get you out of here, just stay still" I bend down to try to reassure her because she looks scared. "Hey guys, bring a basket to the aerial!" Kelly orders as Cruz helps the others step over the woman and continue down the stairs.
Suddenly the salon flashes over, the fire bursting the windows as though something exploded, probably all the containers of flammable hair products.
Thankful Casey and Mouch make it out and Hermann get finally get a line in.
Once we get the basket, we lift the woman onto the basket, stabilising her head and neck before lowering her down to Foster and Brett.
We rush down once she is safely on the stretcher, ready to start the clear up because all victims have been attended to.
"That could have been much worse" I mention to Kelly, "oh my God! Is Miriam alright?!" This woman sprints over, trying to get to the ambulance but Kelly stops her.
"Are you family?" He asks, "no, I own the salon and she is a customer and friend" the woman states. "What happened?! Is everything okay?!" She is holding back tears, looking between the ambulance and her burning salon.
"Where's Myles?!" She starts to panic, "is there someone inside?" Kelly asks, making me start to panic because Casey and Mouch swept the salon.
"No! My dog! He's a Shepard, he watches the place at night!" She explains, "where's Myles?!" Kelly has to hold her back from running into the salon. "Ma'am you can't go in there" I help hold her back, "you can't go in there" she stops trying.
"MY WHOLE LIFE IS IN THAT SALON?!" She breaks down in Kelly's arms, mumbling and calling for Myles and we can do is watch her whole life and hard work burn away.
I definitely spoke too soon.
Kelly comforts the woman while I go and help the others with clean up, knowing that Kelly has it handled.
The ride back is very melancholy, we all saw how that woman reacted and it's heartbreaking to lose everything you have worked hard for. Her dear friend injured and her dog possibly dead in that fire, it's too much for anyone.
Sulking into the firehouse, the usual fun ambience is now dismay.
"Kelly, are you okay?" I ask him away from the others, noticing how personal he already seems to be taking it after spending most of the call comforting that woman. "Yeah, I'm fine, I need to write the report" he seems very spaced out, walking towards his office.
Giving him some alone time, I walk into the living area, trying to hide how worried I am about Kelly.
After getting something to eat, I go back to the rig and start to clean it up, noticing how all the equipment is out of order so I have to rearrange everything. Noticing a piercing nozzle that doesn't belong in this rig.
"Cruz!" I call for him since he is at the squad table playing with the grill that actually looks more like a panini press than a grill but I keep my mouth shut.
"Yeah!" He calls back.
"What is this doing here?" He turns around to see what I am holding, eyes going wide and Otis mouth drops as they sigh in synchronisation. "So you going to answer or?" I wonder, "long story" Cruz replies, "just hide it under your shirt and let's go to the bunk room" Otis directs.
"It won't even fit" I argue, "yes it will, it's not like you have anything under there anyway" Cruz replies, unknowingly insulting me because he is too preoccupied in rushing me to hide the piercing nozzle.
"What did you just say?" I start to question, forgetting these guys have no sense.
"Just do it, Lewis" Cruz interjects, "fine" I hide it under my shirt and follow them to the bunk room, as they call for Hermann and Mouch to follow us.
"What's going on?" Hermann is the first to ask.
"That's what I want to know" I reply, "I also want to know why I am hiding a piercing nozzle" I pull it from under my shirt. "Is that?" Hermann and Mouch also gasp in synchronisation, "yup" Cruz nods.
"After we got the Chief to-" He adds.
"Yup" Otis nods.
"Okay someone better tell me something or I'm going to the Chief" they all yell no at the same time, "you can't go to the Chief" Mouch states. "Then tell me what's going on" I demand, "we borrowed a piercing nozzle from Firehouse 27 a few shifts ago but we thought we returned it" Mouch starts.
"And then they came here this morning to question our honour and accused us of stealing it" Hermann states.
"So?" I question.
"So, we just told the Chief that they questioned our honour and he told off the Chief at 27 to defend us because he believes we gave it back" and now that starts to make sense.
"But now they are right since we have it and you don't want the Chief to find out because he'll kill you all for letting him stick his neck out for nothing" I figure it out, "exactly" Hermann nods. "So are you in?" Otis questions, "in on what?" I ask, "on helping us sneak it back in" Cruz clarifies.
"Oh no" I refuse, "I am not getting involved in this because I had no part in the stealing and I don't want to get dragged down" I add.
"They won't find out if we do it right" Hermann convinces me, "plus you are good at sneaking around" he comments. "No she isn't, we found out about her and Severide in less than a week" Mouch mentions but Hermann whacks him.
"On second thought, you're brilliant and we could really use your smart and sneakiness" Mouch corrects after reading Hermann's glare.
"I am so going to regret this" I mumble, "but yes, I will help" I reluctantly agree.
"Thank you, Lewis" Cruz jumps up and kisses my head, "alright, we'll plan after I finish cleaning the rig" I say, "until then, you hold this because I am not getting caught with it in my possession" I pass the nozzle to Otis.
"Get thinking boys" I leave them plotting before heading back to the app floor, spotting Kelly putting on his squad jacket.
"You will never believe what I roped myself into" I walk over to him, our conversation interrupted by Chief Hubble from OFI, a woman I do not get on very well with since she declared the fire that killed Amber, a regular stove fire.
"Come on Lieutenant, I don't have all day" she walks out of the firehouse.
"Coming" Kelly looks at her and then back at me, "is everything okay?" I ask, "the salon fire was arson" he informs me. "Oh my God!" I exclaim, "who would do that?" I question, "that's what we want to know, she's asking me to help talk with the owner and solve who did it" he adds.
"So you're working with OFI now?" This isn't a good sign, he is getting too invested and I know Kelly, he won't give up until it kills him.
"I just want to find out what happened, she deserves that much" he defends, I go to open my mouth but he looks over at Chief Hubble, already in her car. "I need to go" I close my mouth and nod, "you're acting Lieutenant until I get back" he pecks my forehead before jogging off.
Why do I have a bad feeling about all of this?
Pushing it to the back of my mind, I finish cleaning up the rig and head back to the bunk room to go over the plan with the guys.
Once we have a plan sorted, I notice Kelly coming back and heading to his office.
"Give me a second" I say to the guys, heading over to Kelly's office, "everything okay?" I ask. "Not really" he replies, "Hubble thinks the woman set her salon on fire for the insurance" he says, "that makes sense" I mean I have seen many cases in my lawyer days.
"I'm not so sure" he goes over his report from the fire.
"What do you mean?" I try and see what he can see but it doesn't make sense to me, "I spoke to her, I held her as she cried for her dog, she didn't do this" he seems very sure of this.
"Why set her salon on fire if she thought her dog was in there? And also her friend on the top floor? She couldn't have known the fire would be contained on the first floor" he makes a good point.
"Plus she showed me her security cameras and it all shut down before the fire" he adds.
"So what are you saying?" I ask, "I'm saying that I need to find out who did this before Hubble punishes the wrong person" and here comes stubborn Severide. "Okay, I'll leave you to it" I can infer that he is not in the mood to talk.
"But you're okay, right?" I just want to make sure.
"I'm good, Liv, I promise" he smiles briefly before looking back at the report.
"Okay" I say more to myself, before heading back to the others and leaving him be.
But I really don't like this.
*
The end of shift comes quicker than expected.
After I get changed, I meet Otis, Cruz, Hermann and Mouch at Firehouse 27, just wanting to get this piercing nozzle debacle over with.
"Alright so remember the plan and wait for my signal" Hermann says.
"Got it" we nod, Mouch and I going one way and Cruz and Otis going the other way, Hermann staying in the car to keep an eye out and also be our getaway driver for when it comes down to it.
"Red 1 are you in position?" Herman's voice comes through our ear pieces, "we are good to go" I say, "Red 2?" He says, "also good to go, everything clear?" Otis comes through. "Yes, you are a go" he says.
Mouch and I nod too each other, shades on as I pull my hood up and we get moving.
"Wait! Hold up! Hold up" Hermann exclaims and we hit the wall again to hide ourselves.
"Okay you are clear" we get moving again, running into Otis and Cruz as we sneak into the firehouse and towards the rig.
"Hey, where do you think they keep it?" Mouch whispers, "don't think just pick a compartment" Cruz whispers back. "How's this one?" Mouch points to the one in front of us, "it doesn't matter, just do it!" Cruz whisper yells.
"Well actually that one is a bit loud-" I mention, "shut it, Lewis" Cruz instructs and I do just that.
He slowly opens it but it makes a loud snap when it's fully open, Mouch letting out a brief shriek as well as we glare at him to shut up.
"Told you" I mumble to Cruz as Otis goes to put the piercing nozzle back and Mouch starts sniffling, "Mouch no!" I try to stop him but he sneezes.
"Bless you" we hear one of the firefighters come over, stopping when he sees us.
"What are you guys doing here?" We don't have an excuse, "you had it all along" he notices the piercing nozzle. "Well actually it is ours and we wanted to give it to you guys until you find yours" I make an excuse.
"Then why sneak it in?" He questions, "you got me there" I give up.
"Just don't tell anyone" Cruz requests, "what's it worth to you?" I can see us doing some heavy compromising here. "$50 bucks from each of us, so $200 all together" I offer, "$50?" He scoffs, "fine, $100 each so $400, final offer" Cruz chimes in.
"I don't want your money" he shakes his head, "then what do you want?" I question.
"I'm a floater" he says, "I just want a permanent house" we see where this is going, "so get your Chief to hire me permanently at 51 and I'll keep my mouth shut" now that is a request, have to appreciate someone who knows how to swindle.
*
*The Next Shift*
I really cannot believe that we are doing this, standing in Chief's office and doing all we can to convince the Boden to actually hire Kevin Klinginpill.
"Kevin Klinginpill?" Boden already seems onto us, "yeah, he filled in for Ritter a few weeks back" Hermann confirms. "I remember" Boden interjects, "here's the thing, Chief" Otis takes a crack at it, "he's been stuck in the floater pool for ages and he'd really like to find a permanent home."
"And?" Boden shrugs, not seeing why this involves him.
"And we were thinking that 51 would be a very fitting home for him" I chime in, the others backing me up. "Hermann! You hated Klinginpill" Boden brings up, "in fact, his mere presence was an issue for you" we look to Hermann to save this.
"I didn't really give him a fair shake" Hermann admits, playing along well.
Boden looks at all of us, knowing that something doesn't add up.
"What's going on here?!" He demands to know, "they were right about the piercing nozzle, we had it all along and we didn't realise it!" Cruz bursts with the truth. "We tried to sneak it back but Klinginpill caught us" Mouch continues, "yeah because of sneezy over here" Otis nudges Mouch.
"So now I have to hire Klinginpill to keep him quiet?" Boden figures it out.
"Afraid so" Hermann nods, "can I just say, I had nothing to do with the piercing nozzle and I got roped into all of this because I was too stupid and loyal to say no" I defend myself, glaring at the other guys.
"We're really sorry about this, Chief" Mouch says.
"Me too" Chief nods, reaching for the phone and we know he is going to call the chief down at 27, the same Chief he told off, and apologise.
"Hey Steve, it's Wallace" we bite down on our bottom lips, wondering where this is going to go. "I owe you an apology, turns out my men had your nozzle after all" he reveals, "should be back in your hands now though" he adds.
"Let me extend an olive branch by sending these knuckleheads to wash all your rigs from stem to stern" and we totally deserved that.
"Sound good? Yeah, take care" he hangs up the phone.
"Will there be anything else?" He turns back to us, we shake our heads, accepting our punishment and dismissing ourselves.
"This is the last time I ever help out you knuckleheads!" I whack Cruz because he is closest to me, "well technically you agreeing to help us out makes you a knucklehead" Mouch comments, walking fast so I can't catch up and whack him.
We get to the living area and sit down.
"Hey, you guys" Brett sits down, "what are your plans after shift?" She asks, "why?" I question. "Because I am setting Casey up with my friend from soul cycle and I wanted to make it like a couples game night at our place" she explains.
"Foster and I, plus Otis and Lily have already agreed" she lists off, "I talked with Jess and she's up to be partnered with you" she says to Cruz. "Count me in" Cruz agrees the second he hears Jess' name, "I wanted to know if you and Severide wanted to come?" She questions.
"I'll ask him and get back to you" I say, knowing that he is definitely going to be way too distracted with this case, to even go to a games night.
*
A few calls later, I take this as my chance to ask Kelly about games night.
"Hey?" I knock on his office door, seeing him still surrounded by boxes upon boxes.
"You seem very busy" I comment, "I am" he replies, focused on his files, "so I can't distract you?" I invite myself in. "You can try but it won't work" he leans back a little so I can sit on his lap, facing him as my legs straddle him.
"You sure about that" I wrap my arms around his neck, playing with his hair and massaging his head because I can tell he is very stressed.
"I guess a little break won't be so bad" he closes his eyes and leans into my touch, "thought so" I smirk.
"So Brett is having a kind of couples game night at her place to set up Casey and her friend and she invited us" I mention, "couple huh?" He wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me even closer.
"Don't think that much into it" I warn and his smile falters slightly, "when is it?" He asks, "tonight" I answer. "But if you still want to go to the cabin then we can totally do that but it would have to be a little later because I have to clean all the rigs at 27" he looks at me weird.
"You don't want to know" I reply as he chuckles.
"We can go to the cabin another time, the games night sounds good" he beams.
"Yeah?" I double check, "yeah" he nods, kissing me softly.
"I can't wait then" I say once we pull away, kissing down his stretched out neck. Before starting to kiss back up his neck and suck on his sweet spot behind his ear.
His breathing gets heavy and raspy, fanning right over my ear.
Nibbling at his earlobes before kissing up his chin and finally getting to his lips, connecting them with mine softly before I deepen the kiss. Hand on the back of his neck to hold him in place as I push my tongue further into his mouth, swirling it around the roof of his mouth.
Kiss becoming sloppy as our lips smack together.
"I love you" it's incoherent, but I definitely hear those three words falling from his lips, I almost choke but I have to keep going, pretending I didn't hear it. Because if I heard it then I would have to react and I don't know what to say let alone how to react.
Kissing him as though he didn't even say anything before slowly pulling away.
"I'll let you get back to work" he is less happy this time but he believes that I genuinely didn't hear it, at least I think he does.
"See you later" I peck his lips one more time before rushing out of his office, not wanting him to see me panic.
*
*The End of Shift*
"I still can't believe that instead of sleeping, I am helping you morons spray down the rigs" I sigh, "and you complaining about it every five seconds actually just makes this whole process longer" Otis replies.
"I will complain if I want to complain" I huff.
"Alright, how about you and I take this side?" Cruz guides me over to the other side of the rig so we can start scrubbing down.
"So did Severide agree to coming over tonight?" Cruz questions, "yeah" I nod, sounding less enthusiastic than usual because I don't really want to think about Kelly right now.
"What happened?" Cruz sees through me, already knowing that something is wrong.
"We were kissing and he might have mumbled 'I love you' to me" I explain, "and?" Cruz doesn't see the big deal. "And? And friends don't say I love you to each other!" I exclaim, "are you really surprised? I mean you know Severide loves you" he points out.
"Knowing someone is in love with you and hearing them say it is a very different thing" I explain, "I mean the last time Kelly told me he loves me was when I told him that I wasn't in love with him" I sigh.
"So that's the issue? You can't say it back" he figures it out.
"I'm not ready to say I love you again" I admit, "I'm not ready to give my heart to him again because I can't get hurt again" I state. "Why are you so worried he'll hurt you?" Cruz asks a good question, "because he hasn't made me feel confident that he won't" I confess.
"I know he is trying to change but I am not convinced yet" I continue, "I'm just worried that if I give him this one last chance and he ruins it, I won't know what to do with myself" I didn't plan on being this honest today.
"And the more you drag your feet, the more you don't have to make that decision" he catches on.
"Exactly" I nod, "see I love Kelly, I don't see myself not loving him" I add. "But I don't know whether love is enough anymore" I admit, "I don't know many things which is why I just wanted to have fun and maybe take things slow so I can figure things out" I explain.
"But him saying he loves me isn't taking it slow" I start to freak out, "it was supposed to be just fun, no feelings involved and he broke the main rule" I start scrubbing down harder.
"He is sure about me but I'm not sure about him" I admit.
"You're having second thoughts?" Cruz questions, "yeah" I nod, "I just wanted more time to see if we can make it work again" I add. "But now the time is just disappearing and I don't want to be rushed" I state.
"Maybe I should have just left it as friends with no fun" I say more to myself than to Cruz.
"Alright Lewis, I am only saying this because I love you like a sister" Cruz puts down his rag and gestures for me to put mine down so I can focus on him. "But this off and on between you and Severide can't go on forever" he tells me what I already know but refuse to believe.
"It's stopping you both from moving forward with your lives, which is why you keep running back to each other" he theorises.
"All I'm saying is that we all think that you and Severide are made for each other" he points out, "the amount of love you guys share and the fact that there is this special bond between you guys that never breaks is enough for us" he describes.
"But if you aren't sure that you are made for each other then you need to put a stop to all this back and forth" he makes a good point, "if being with Severide is this difficult and painful then maybe it's not meant to be" he adds.
"But that's up to you to decide" what if I don't want to decide?
"And if you decide that we are all wrong and that he is not worth all the complication then end it" he advises, "for good, end it for good" he emphasises. "No more crossing boundaries, no more fun, finish it with him" he instructs.
"You need to allow yourselves to move on and open yourself to find someone else instead of going back to each other and staying in the same place, no growth" he is making a lot of sense, it just isn't processing.
"But if you realise that he is the one, like we all think, then stop dragging your feet and fight for your relationship" he motivates me, "either way, you need to decide for the happiness of both of you" I nod, thanking him for his words but they still don't process.
*
We finish cleaning all the rigs at 27, I head back home to meet Jess and go to Brett, Otis and Cruz's place for the games night.
Sitting next to Jess and Cruz, Foster on my left as I text Kelly, wondering where he is since we are about to start the games soon, only holding back for him.
"He answering yet?" Casey questions, "no" I shake my head, "he's probably driving" I make up an excuse, having an inkling that he isn't going to make it. "Let's start anyway, he'll join in when he gets here" I suggest, "you sure?" Brett asks from across me, sat next to her friend and Casey.
"Yeah" I nod, Jess patting my knee for support.
We start by doing some general knowledge, but I can't help but be a little distracted, sipping on my mocktail and thinking about Kelly.
"Ooohh" Otis picks up an interesting question, well interesting to him, "what year was Pluto discovered?" We all roll our eyes at the same time, "a) 1922, b) 1925 or c) 1930" I haven't even got the slightest clue.
"Are you serious about this?" Cruz is just as clueless as me.
"Yeah how about music and film questions?" Foster suggests, "or anything apart from history or science" Jess adds. "20 seconds" Otis ignores their disapproval, "any geography questions? I'm pretty good at those" Casey mentions.
"Oh me too!" Brett cheers, "I used to have a globe by my bed and I'd spin that thing around when I was falling asleep" we chuckle at her story.
"What about you? What's your category?" She asks her friend, "uhm definitely not geography, I still get lost in Chicago all the time and I grew up here" we chuckle at her story as well, though I don't see that much chemistry between her and Casey.
"10 seconds" Otis interjects.
"Okay uhm, b" I go for the middle, "eh eh, wrong" he taunts, "it's c, 1930, have none of you taken a single science class?" He mocks. "I'm so glad he's your hassle now" I whisper to Lily, "I'll cheers to that" we clink our glasses as Otis rolls his eyes.
"Liv, any word from Severide?" Brett asks, "no" I shake my head, "I don't think he's coming" I admit which dampens the mood as they think of ways to cheer me up. "But don't worry about it" I state, "we can still have a great time" I make myself sound more joyful than I feel.
"How about charades?" I suggest and they all agree, Brett goes first.
She mimes the symbol for TV show, which Cruz calls out. She puts up one finger and Lily yells out "wait!", already guessing TV shows.
"No, that means one word, I mean have you ever played charades before?" He teases, "you know you're really mean on game night" Lily walks off. "That was a genuine question, I wasn't being mean" Otis chases after her.
"Alright, let's keep going, TV show, one word" Casey summarises while Brett starts miming again.
She mimes random things, like she's driving a vehicle, so we yell out TV shows about driving or racing but Brett shakes her head.
"Emergency!" Casey calls out as we look at him, astonished at how he got that from her gestures.
"YES!" Brett cheers and they high-five, something between them seems different and I make sure to remind myself to bring it up later.
We finish up charades before I call it a night for myself, leaving early because I have something to do. The others all kind of guessing what I have to do.
Tonight got me thinking about Kelly and I and how he didn't make it to the couples games night, once again leaving me on my own. And I know it's not a really big deal because he has other things on his mind but it does have me thinking.
Why can't we just go to a normal couples games night and be that normal couple?
Why do things never seem normal between us?
It really shouldn't be this hard, right?
I know he isn't at his place, so I head back to the firehouse, knowing he is probably looking through more of those boxes and disturbing third shift.
Heading in, I say hello to all of third shift before checking his office, seeing the third shift squad lieutenant who tells me that Kelly is in the meeting room. Walking into the room, he has his head in a pile of files, surrounded by even more boxes.
"Why am I not surprised?" He is startled by my sudden appearance, "Liv, what are you doing here?" He questions before checking the time. "Oh no, the games night" he remembers, "I missed it" he realises, "I'm so sorry" he apologises.
"It's not a big deal" I wave his apology off, "it's not why I am here anyway" I walk even further into the room.
"How's it going?" I ask him, "not good, I mean everything about this arson is familiar and I can't find out why" he explains. "But I know I have seen this before" he looks exhausted but I know there is no point trying to get him to stop.
"Maybe you should get some rest" I try anyway, "try again with fresh eyes" I suggest.
"Maybe in a few hours" he replies, "wait? You aren't here to check up on me like a child?" He questions. "No I'm not" I shake my head, "I'm here to talk" I bite the bullet, "about?" He turns to me.
"About what you said earlier today" I answer, it takes him a second to realise what I am talking about.
"You heard me" he figures out, "I did" I nod, "and I didn't know how to react which is why I left" I explain. "I thought so" he replies, "I can't say it back, Kelly" I admit, "I don't need you to" he argues.
"Yes, you do" I retort, "because you want more than I can give" I continue.
"We have been kidding ourselves with all this just friends having fun stuff" I confess, "you and me both know that you and I can't walk that very thin rope without falling off" he listens intently.
"And we fell" I state, "we fell hard but the problem is that we fell in different places" I explain.
"Liv-" he tries.
"No" I interject, "I need to say this before I cower out of it" I interrupt and he closes his mouth.
"It was supposed to be just fun, no feelings but then you go and say I love you!" I exclaim, "and now I feel like a bitch because I can't say it back" I add. "I also don't know what I feel when it comes to you" I admit, "I don't know whether I'm in a constant state of love or heartbreak."
"But what I do know is that we can't continue doing this" I gesture to the two of us, "because it would be unfair for me to lead you on when we are in two different places" I state.
"Liv, I'm not going to say I didn't mean it because I did" he admits, "but I don't need you to say it back right now" he continues, "I will wait until you're ready to say it when you feel it" he states.
"That's the thing, Kelly" I reply, "I don't think that day will ever come" this crushes him, "I don't know if I will ever be okay and ready to give you another chance" it hurts but its the truth. "I can't have you wait for a day that might not ever come" I add.
"You still don't trust me" he catches on.
"I don't" I confirm, "I don't trust you with my heart" I highlight, "I trust you with my body but not my heart."
"It shouldn't be this hard for me to forgive you" I point out, "but I can't bring myself to give you another chance, no matter how hard I try" I reveal. "Maybe that means you are all out of chances and I needed to realise it" I continue.
"We shouldn't have to try this hard to make it feel right, it should feel right on it's own" I say.
"And this doesn't feel right?" He grinds his jaw, "it doesn't" I confirm, "I need normal, I need someone that doesn't tear me up inside when they say they love me, because it's a happy statement, not meant to feel like a death sentence."
"Lieutenant, someone is here to see you" one of the guys interrupts us.
"Uhm can you tell them to give me a second" Kelly instructs, "she said it was urgent" the guy replies, "hello Lieutenant" I hear a female voice behind me. "Niya" I recognise the name, turning around to see the owner of the salon.
"I need to talk to you" she seems like this is urgent.
"I'll see you next shift, Kelly" I excuse me, "no wait, Liv, just hang around for a bit" he requests, "it's okay, Kelly, I'll see you later" I assure him before greeting Niya and walking out. Closing the door behind me so they can have privacy to discuss the arson.
Looking through the window to find him staring at me walk away, sending him a small smile before continuing on my way.
That's the hard part done.
No matter how many times you go through the hard part, it still hurts like hell.