Cas woke up just as dawn broke and everything was still spinning. He groaned and rolled over. The previous night was no more than a vague memory of being in the bath, and Dean's gentle touch. His mouth was bone dry, so he slowly got to his feet, holding his head, and stumbled down the hallway. Hoagie followed close at his heels. He crossed into the kitchen, but stopped. There were low voices coming from the dining room; Dean's and another he didn't recognise. He rubbed his eyes and moved to the dining room door.
'Dean,' he groaned.
Dean was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee, and a man next to him that Cas had never seen before. He had a round face and a beard.
'Cas,' Dean said, 'what are you doing up?'
'I- uh- I don't...' He looked between Dean and the man, and Dean sighed.
'Cas, this is Benny. Benny, Cas.' Dean introduced them without looking up.
'Benny,' Cas said, squinting at him. 'Have we met before?'
'I have not had that pleasure,' Benny said in a slow, Georgia drawl, smiling.
'Cas, why don't you go back to bed?' Dean said, an irritated note creeping into his voice.
'I- I came for...' He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to remember what he'd got up for.
'Cas, would you just-' Dean smacked a hand against the table and his legs bounced rapidly.
Cas stared at him. His harsh words stung.
'Allow me,' said Benny, getting up from the table. 'Don't you move,' he said firmly to Dean, before taking Cas's arm.
'Wait, I wanted water,' said Cas, finally remembering and filling up a glass to take with him. 'Who are you?' he asked Benny as they walked.
'I'm Dean's sponsor.'
'I see.' Cas swallowed a mouthful of water. 'Thank you for helping him.'
'It's been my honour.'
'Is he- is he all right?'
'He will be, just give him some time.'
Cas sat down on the bed, Hoagie sitting dutifully at his feet. 'You must think I'm pathetic,' he said.
'Now don't you be coming out with stuff like that, I get enough of it from him. You've both been dealt a crappy hand, but that don't make either of you bad people.'
Cas shrugged and climbed back under the covers. 'Thank you, Benny.'
Benny left the room, and Cas dangled a hand down for Hoagie to sniff. Dean's tone of voice still echoed in his ears, so he pulled Hoagie into the bed for a hug, and slowly went back to sleep.
He woke to Dean shaking him awake, and he opened one eye. Dean was crouched next to his side of the bed, looking at him guiltily.
'Hey,' Dean murmured. 'You know, Hoagie's not allowed on the bed.'
Cas smiled. 'I thought I'd relax that rule, just this once.'
Hoagie popped his head out from under the blanket and sniffed Dean sleepily.
'I'm sorry,' Dean said. 'I didn't mean to snap at you.'
'I shouldn't have interrupted-'
'No. It's not your fault you were foggy.'
Cas sat up, and noticed the deep shadows under Dean's eyes, and extra stubble covering his cheeks. 'This is so hard on you, Dean. What can I do to help you?'
Dean smiled. 'You're already doing everything you can.'
'Are you sure?'
Dean nodded. 'I'm sure. Come on, I made breakfast.'
'What are we having?'
'Pancakes,' Dean grinned.
Cas lowered Hoagie to the ground, then pushed himself up. He tripped on his way up, but Dean caught him.
'Careful,' Dean whispered, his hands firmly grasping Cas's waist. He lingered for a moment, then turned away.
When Cas entered the dining room, he saw another vase of flowers sitting on the cabinet. A freshly cut bouquet of tulips shone in the morning sun.
They sat down together at the table, and Cas watched Dean for a while.
'Can I ask you about him?' Cas asked.
Dean looked up from his pancakes. 'What Benny?'
Cas nodded.
'Fire away.'
'Why haven't we met?'
Dean paused to eat some more pancakes. 'I prefer to keep that stuff separate from you. I don't like you seeing me like that.'
'Why?'
Dean smiled sadly. 'You never saw me at my worst..'
'Was it bad?'
'It was bad.'
Cas could tell that Dean was getting uncomfortable with that line of questioning, so switched to another. 'You've known Benny longer than me?'
'Oh sure. When my mom died, I had Jody, and when I lost my dad too, there was Benny.'
'Were you and he ever...?'
'Me and Benny?' Dean laughed loudly. 'Definitely not. Never.'
'He seems like he could be your type.'
Dean laughed again. 'Oh, man, are you jealous?'
'He has a better beard than me.'
'Is that what you think I look for?'
Cas shrugged.
'Listen, you got nothing to worry about, trust me. Besides, I'm definitely not his type.'
'Oh?'
'Yeah, I think his wife and kids would have something to say about it.'
Cas smiled, but felt a faint pang in his chest.
Dean didn't notice, still chuckling at the thought of him and Benny.
Cas grabbed one of the many notebooks he had strewn about the house, and wrote another question. He would have to reorganise the list.
'What do you write in those?' Dean asked curiously.
Cas shrugged. 'Thoughts and ideas I want to remember.'
Dean wore a smile for the rest of the morning, before going to work.
Cas wandered around the garden for a while that afternoon, and started pulling some weeds. He was soon overwhelmed though, and just as Dean came home, he settled down at the kitchen table with the fourth Harry Potter book.
'Burgers?' Dean called from the kitchen, once he had cleaned himself up.
'Mm,' Cas said distractedly. He had read half of the first chapter, but was struggling to connect names and events. Then, another chapter in, he realised that he couldn't remember what had happened in the previous books. Frustration boiled over and he threw the book on the ground. 'Damn it,' he muttered, holding his head in his hands.
'What happened?' Dean said in alarm, having heard the loud bang. 'What's wrong?' He poked his head around the door and saw the book on the floor.
Cas shook his head. 'I'm broken.'
Dean looked aghast, dragged a chair over next to him, and sit down. 'No, Cas...'
'It wasn't like this before,'Cas said through his fingers. 'It's like - it's like things keep falling out of my head.'
Dean rubbed his back. 'You haven't had many sessions with Penny yet,' he said softly. 'We can work it out.'
Cas shook his head again. 'I don't think this is something you can just work out, Dean.'
'It's gonna be okay,' said Dean. 'Just bring it up with Penny next time, and she'll help you. That's what she's there for.' Dean waited for Cas to respond, but he didn't say anything, so Dean aimed for distraction rather than comfort. 'I got a message from your doctor today. He says he spoke with the staff on your ward, and they agreed to let you visit.'
Cas finally looked up. 'Really?'
'Yeah,' Dean smiled. 'There are still some kids who're long-term patients who know you, and they'd love to have you visit.'
Cas looked doubtful. 'They won't be upset that I don't know them?'
'They said that the kids understood well enough,' Dean said. 'It's up to you, but if you do want to go, I'm gonna be with you the whole time, and I want you to let me know how you're feeling, okay?'
'Should I be worried?'
'No, no. It's just, you spent a whole lot of time there, and we don't know what might come up, if anything.'
'I understand.'
'So, do you want to go?'
'Yes. I really want to go.'
Dean smiled again, and bent to pick up Cas's book. 'You're not broken, Cas,' he said, placing it gently on the table. 'Things are just a little harder now, that's all.'
Cas sighed and pushed the book away. 'You'd better get back into the kitchen,' he said, 'you'll burn the burgers.'
Dean jumped to his feet and ran back through the kitchen door.
Cas sat in the car outside the hospital the next afternoon, rubbing his hands together nervously.
'You ready?' Dean said, unbuckling his seatbelt.
Cas took a deep breath and nodded, then got out of the car.
Dean led him to the children's ward, and all the nurses met them outside the doors.
They all crowded in to give Cas a hug. Many of them had tears in their eyes when they pulled away.
'You don't recognise any of us, do you?' one of them asked.
Cas looked at the floor.
'It's okay, let's go in. The kids are dying to see you, come on.'
The walked through the ward, and Cas felt a flicker of recognition as they passed the nurses' station. There were lots of adults milling around, presumably the parents of some of the patients, but they passed by them too. They went round a gentle curve in the hallway, and met a small, bald boy, walking around with his IVs.
The boy gasped loudly when he saw Cas, turned on his heel, and hurried back down the corridor. They heard him open a door and shout, 'Guys, he's here!', then several more excited gasps and shouts.
The sound of pattering feet and IV poles rolling along on their wheels came down the hall, and six children of varying ages all smiled up at Cas.
'Come on, we want to show you something!' a little girl of about ten said, grabbing his hand and pulling him along with her.
'Oh, okay.'
She dragged him to a large playroom, where a few more kids were waiting. All of them were sickly-looking, but all of them gave Cas huge smiles when he came in.
'Nurse Hannah told us that you hurt your head,' the girl said. She seemed to be in charge.
'Yes, that's right.'
'She said you wouldn't remember us, so we made name tags, so you could see our names.' She pointed at her chest, where she wore a sticker that said 'Daisy' on it, with a drawing of the flower.
Cas looked around and noticed that they all had stickers.
'The children all wanted to help you with your memory,' the nurse that had accompanied them prompted. 'They were working on it all day yesterday.'
The girl hurried around the edge of the room, where there were rows of plastic drawers, and yanked out a stack of papers. 'Come sit,' she said, waving Cas over to the table in the middle.
Cas looked at Dean uncertainly.
'Go on,' Dean murmured. 'I'm right here.'
Cas moved into the room, and Dean and the nurse remained standing in the doorway.
'What have we got here?' Cas said, sitting at the table. All the other children crowded around as best they could with all their apparatus.
Daisy spread the papers out so Cas could see. 'We drew pictures,' she explained, 'so you can see when you helped us, even if you can't remember. See, this one's me.' She passed Cas a picture, in which she was lying in a bed and Cas was standing beside it. 'This is the first time I had to have a blood test and I was sad, that's why there's a tear there.' She poked the picture. 'And that's you. You made me laugh and I didn't even really feel the blood coming out.'
'This is very good,' Cas said. He held up the drawing. Though it was not much more than a couple of stick figures, he could clearly see his own dark hair and blue eyes, as well as the scrubs he would have been wearing.
'And this one's of you and Kyle. Kyle drew it,' Daisy said.
'That's when you were putting in my tube,' the boy they had first seen grinned.
All the kids showed him the pictures they had drawn.
'Wow,' Cas whispered. He cleared his throat, emotion rising in his chest. 'May I keep these?' he asked them.
There was a resounding agreement from all of the kids, so Cas stacked them back up neatly, biting his lip to stop himself from crying.
'Cas, you okay?' Dean said from the doorway.
Cas wiped his eyes, nodding.
'Who's that, Nurse Cas?' Daisy asked.
'That's Dean,' Cas told her, and her mouth dropped open.
'That's Dean?' she said, gaping at him.
'I've told you about him?'
'Uh-huh.' Daisy turned to the other children. 'Should we give it to him?'
'Give what to him?' Cas said, but they stopped paying attention to him, and Daisy ran to the drawers again.
'We made Dean a present,' Daisy said, 'but he never came to get it so we've been keeping it safe for him.'
'A present?'
'Yeah. Dean, come here.'
Dean glanced at the nurse, who waved him through, and knelt down next to Cas.
'When Nurse Hannah told us Nurse Cas was sick, we wanted to come and take care of him,' Daisy said, putting a battered cardboard box in front of Dean. 'But she said that you were taking care of him, and since Nurse Cas told us you're the best husband in the whole world, we wanted to make you something for helping him for us.'
Cas felt his cheeks warm.
'Something extra special,' Kyle added.
'Open it, open it,' Daisy said excitedly.
Dean lifted the lid of the box and lifted out a handmade medal, made of several lengths of ribbon and a piece of cardboard cut into a rough circle. The cardboard had been painted gold, and the words '#1 husband' had been written on it.
'What!' Dean exclaimed. 'This is awesome!' He showed it to Cas with a huge smile.
Cas smiled back and carefully placed it around Dean's neck.
'He's dreamy,' one of the girls whispered to Cas, and all the girls giggled.
'I agree,' Cas whispered back, but loud enough that Dean could hear.
'Nurse Cas, can I ask a question?' another of the boys said, putting his hand in the air.
'Of course you can... George,' Cas said, squinting at his sticker.
'Does your head still hurt?'
'Sometimes.'
'Can you feel where you hit it on the outside?'
'I've never tried,' Cas frowned. He reached up with a hand, but couldn't remember where the injury had been. 'Dean?'
'Here.' Dean moved Cas's hand to a spot above his right ear. 'Feel anything?'
'No.' He smiled at George's disappointed look.
'You should still have a scar from where they had to drain your skull, though,' Dean said, and George's face lit up.
'Can we see it?'
'Sure,' Cas said. 'I don't know where it is though.'
'Oh, it's just here.' Dean ran his fingers through Cas's hair, looking for the small, round scar. 'Hang on, you got a lot of hair.'
Cas sighed deeply, enjoying the sensation while Dean searched.
'Here it is.' Dean moved Cas's hand a few inches behind the fracture, and Cas felt a small dent under his fingers.
'That's very strange,' Cas said.
'It looks just like mine, see!' Daisy parted the hair on the back of her head to show him.
'That's so cool,' said George.
'Nurse Cas, are you coming back soon?'
Cas's heart sank, but he smiled warmly at Kyle. 'I don't know. My brain still isn't working very well.'
'Will it get better?'
'I hope so.'
'Is Mister Dean taking good care of you?' Daisy asked.
Cas chuckled and looked up at Dean. 'Yes, he's taking very good care of me.' Cas felt the odd dent in his skull again and shivered. Suddenly, his stomach churned, and a metallic taste coated his tongue. 'Dean,' he murmured, 'I don't feel so good.'
'You need to lie down?'
Cas nodded, his heart racing. 'Don't let them see,' he whispered.
'I got you.' Dean grabbed his arm and pulled him up. 'Don't worry kids, we'll be right back. Me and Nurse Cas gotta take care of something a minute.'
Cas struggled around the side of the table. 'Don't let them see,' he repeated.
When Cas woke up, he was half sitting, half leaning against something soft. He didn't feel like opening his eyes just yet, but he realised the something soft was moving, gently breathing in and out. Then he heard some muffled giggles and smiled.
'I can hear lots of little giggly people,' he said, and the giggles turned to laughter. Cas opened his eyes and found himself lying on a hospital bed in a private room, and the soft thing was Dean. He adjusted himself, but Dean's arm around him stayed in place. 'They didn't see?' Cas whispered in Dean's ear.
Dean shook his head.
'Are you still sick, Nurse Cas?' Daisy asked.
'A little,' Cas said, rubbing his head. He thought hard for a way to explain it. 'Have any of you seen when the lights flicker on and off?'
They all nodded.
'It's like that, but in my brain. It makes me really tired.'
'Is it 'cause you hit it so hard?'
Cas nodded again. 'Is there any water?' he asked Dean.
'Right here.' Dean passed him a plastic cup, which he drained. Dean looked around at all the kids, and at Cas's slightly unfocused eyes, and decided to take over the conversation. 'I have a question for you guys,' he said. 'What's the best thing Nurse Cas does?'
'Oh, oh, I know!' Daisy exclaimed. 'He brings us snacks sometimes, even when we're not really supposed to have candy, he brings us some.'
'Does he really?' Dean grinned. 'What else?'
'I like - I like when he - he starts and checks on everyone before he does any of his work,' George said.
'My favourite thing is how he's always on our side,' Kyle said, adjusting his IV pole. 'Remember when he got Nurse Naomi fired?'
All the kids nodded in agreement.
'Oh yeah, Nurse Naomi,' Dean chuckled. 'I know all about her. God you hated that b- ad nurse.'
'Nurse Naomi?' Cas asked, feeling a little more alert.
'She was so mean,' Kyle told him. 'She made Alfie cry, so you fired her. That was when you were in charge of the whole ward.'
'The whole ward?' Cas said, surprised.
'You were a charge nurse,' Dean smiled proudly. 'You made all the schedules, assigned nurses to patients, stuff like that.'
'Wow,' Cas said. 'Was I good?'
'You're the best!' Daisy said.
'Who does all that now?'
'Nurse Hannah,' said Kyle. 'She's good too.'
'I have one,' a blonde girl spoke up from behind the rest. 'My favourite thing about Nurse Cas is how he reads us a bedtime story if he's here at night.'
All the kids made noises of agreement.
'I didn't know he did that,' Dean said.
'Yeah, he reads a story to all the kids in their own rooms,' Daisy said, 'and then he gets a chair and sits in the middle of the ward so everyone can hear him.'
Cas put his hand over his mouth to choke back a sob.
'Cas?' Dean said, holding him closer.
Cas shook his head.
The nurse that had been accompanying them spoke up from the doorway. 'Come on, kids,' she said. 'Time to go. You've all got treatment this afternoon.'
The kids all complained loudly.
'Will you come back soon, Nurse Cas?' Daisy asked.
Cas nodded, but still couldn't say anything.
The nurse herded all the children out of the room, and threw Cas a brief, mournful look.
'What is it? What's wrong?' Dean asked as soon as they were gone.
'I - I don't know,' Cas choked. 'It hurts.'
'What hurts?' Dean adjusted them both so Cas was looking at him, tears streaking his face. 'Look at me,' he said, holding Cas's chin. 'What hurts?'
'Them,' said Cas, nodding at the door. 'I don't know why.'
Dean wiped Cas's face. 'You care about them. Your life was here.'
Cas leant on Dean's shoulder. He knew Dean was trying to help, but the suppressed bitterness in his voice only made things worse. 'I'm sorry,' Cas wept. 'I'm sorry.'
'It's okay,' Dean whispered.
'I want to go home now.'
Dean nodded. 'Okay, we can go.'
Cas sniffed and struggled to regain control of himself before walking back through the ward. A few of the kids waved to him as they left, and he forced himself to smile and wave back.
The nurse that had been helping them followed them just outside the door.
'Castiel, are you all right?' she asked.
'Castiel?' said Cas. 'Is that what you call me... uh...'
'Hannah. Yes, I feel it's more appropriate for a professional setting.'
'Oh, you're Hannah? The children seem to like you.'
Hannah smiled. 'They always liked you the most. You left large shoes to fill.'
'Hannah, are we friends?' Cas asked.
Hannah's eyebrows rose. 'We had a good relationship as superior and subordinate, if that's what you mean.'
'No, not really.'
'You're different now,' Hannah commented. 'Though I suppose a head injury will do that to a person.'
'Right.'
They stood in an awkward silence until Dean cleared his throat.
'It was good to see you, Castiel,' Hannah said. 'You should go home and rest.'
'Thank you for today, Hannah,' said Cas. 'Perhaps I could visit again.'
'Of course.' Hannah smiled again, and turned back onto the ward.
'Come on,' Dean said quietly.
Once back in the car, Cas broke down again, his head in his arms, leaning on the dashboard.
'Talk to me,' Dean said, rubbing his back. 'You promised.'
'I don't know,' said Cas, his voice muffled by his arms. 'I'm sad, and frustrated. I remember being there, but I wish more than anything it were being with you instead.'
'I know you do.'
'It's not enough.'
'Yes it is,' Dean said firmly.
'What?' Cas said, looking up.
'It's enough that you're trying. It's enough that you're wishing.'
Cas shook his head. 'I don't understand why the ward made me so upset.'
Dean sighed and bit his lip, then started the car. 'Let's just go.' He drove them away from the hospital. 'So...' he said finally, smiling slightly. 'You think I'm dreamy?'
Cas gave a watery chuckle. 'I lost my memory, Dean, I didn't go blind.' He sniffed hard, rubbing his face.
'Still got it,' Dean grinned, steering the car smoothly around a corner.
Cas glanced at Dean. 'Dean?' he said hesitantly.
'Yeah?'
'I liked what you were doing with my hair earlier,' he stammered. 'You could do that again sometime, if you wanted to.'
Dean looked over at him. 'I think I can make that happen,' he said warmly.
Cas leaned back in his seat, struggling to process all of his emotions.
'I think you need a nap,' Dean said, as though reading Cas's mind.
Cas nodded. 'You're right.'
When they got inside, Cas headed straight for his chair. His thoughts were still swirling, so he pulled a blanket over himself and pushed everything away but the feeling of Dean's fingers in his hair.