Disclaimer:
NOT CANON!
THIS IS JUST FOR FUN!
(characters' personalities based on HoA (2012) and STBK (2013))
WARNING!!!
WARNING!!!
WARNING!!!
(These are three warnings, I fucking tell ya.)
If you haven't read up to Fimbulwinter's latest chapter, THERE ARE SPOILERS HERE.
Also one of the guests for today has quite the not-so-innocent mouth.
•••
"Welcome back to my talk show, which I now just call "That one chapter where everyone radiates chaotic energy and unleashes balls of fury and stress"! Today we have Hemlock!"
(looks at my notes)
"Heimdall and Loki, oh yes that's why it's called Hemlock. So you might be wondering: "Hal, aren't Heimdall and Loki of Norse Mythology traditional enemies?" Yes they are! And Heimdall is technically Loki's nephew, since Loki and Odin are blood brothers and--"
(floor director hands another note)
"So I am no longer allowed to talk about Norse Mythology. Which is a bummer, because I like Norse Mythology. Did you know some of my relatives are Asatru?"
(floor director hands another note)
"But a comment made by zeeeeexo said they wanna interview me!"
"Oh. I'm the host, not the director. Hahaha, how could I mix that up. It's always "where's the host? who's the host?" but never "how's the host?"
"Well this sucks, the production team's a massive twat."
(floor director hands a death threat)
"Hemlock's here, ladies and gentleman!"
Arthur: (enters with a wide smile, waving at an invisible audience) (sits on the couch)
Lance: (enters with his hands inside his pockets, hair swept to one side, covering his right eye (you know, classic Heimdall), with a stern frown on his face) (sits as far away as he could from Arthur)
Arthur: He loves me so much he's scared of showing too much affection in front of the kids, that's why he's sitting so far away.
"I'm the only one here."
Arthur: I'm aware of your chicklings.
Arthur: Super aware. (winks at the readers)
Lance: I'm just trying not to kill this dramatic trashcan in front of camera.
Arthur: Kill me with your love, honey ;)))
Lance: (looks at Arthur in utter disgust)
"I'm sensing that this interview's going to end with a boom and a bang and a beem boom bam, glitters!"
Lance: (glares)
"Okay first question! Now this one's from LadyLuminada and she wanna know what's your relationship outside the story. Who wants to go first?"
Lance: I-
Arthur: Me! So in reality I'm older (and sexier) than Lance and I love visiting the school where he teaches part-time.
Lance: Now he's not allowed 100 metres away from the campus.
Arthur: I made the canteen go bOOM! Hahaha, (wipes tears) it was beautiful.
Lance: I try to avoid him as much as possible, but I SWEAR TO THE GODS every. single. time. there's something wrong happening, it's always HIM. (points at Arthur with all the hatred a person could emanate)
Arthur: We go on dates a lot.
Lance: I was arresting you, idiot.
Arthur: (sighs fondly) I will never forget that steamy 2 hours. Just you and me in one room.
Lance: IT WAS AN INTERROGATION ROOM. THE POLICE WAS INTERROGATING HIM. HE ALSO BROKE THE AIR-CONDITIONING, THAT'S WHY IT WAS SWELTERING.
Arthur: Still one of my top ten dates.
"Maybe I should ask another question. From LadyLuminada again: Lance, what's it like acting with your own son, Joyeuse?"
Arthur: (whispers at the microphone) Our son.
Lance: Jule and I don't have the best father-son relationship since we're not really that close-
Arthur: Because you're incapable of love.
Lance: (hits Arthur with a cushion) Because he grew up with his mother more, whilst I work. But it's not awkward, since Lance Ducere and Jule Uresonderry's relationship is like mentor and mentee. He was once my student, along with Futhark and Laevateinn and the others.
"How were they like in the classroom setting?"
Arthur: They behaved like normal teenagers, you know, like one time I caught Futhark cheating on his exams, Laevateinn would sleep the moment he sat down and wake up when the class ends... classic.
"Cool, were they your students too?"
Lance: No, he was watching from a nearby tree.
Arthur: I was bored! I've nothing to do!
Lance: The hardest one to teach would be Futhark. The child's gifted in other fields but none of them was studying. I had no problems with Joyeuse and Laevateinn, well except for Laevateinn who once slept and woke up for the classes the next day. I was amazed because he was early for class, turned out he hasn't come home yet.
Arthur: I was there that day, if you didn't arrest me I would have waken him up.
Lance: And he would have killed you.
Arthur: Awww, you don't want me to be killed? (to an invisible audience) Told you he loves me.
Lance: I really should've let Laevateinn kill you.
"If you hate each other so much, how could you act all lovey-dovey in front of the camera?"
Arthur: I don't have to pretend.
Lance: I keep a bucket nearby just in case I have to throw up from seeing Arthur's face.
Arthur: Stop being so dramatic, you love me.
Lance: I don't.
Lance: If you're the last person on Earth I would just kill myself.
Arthur: What-
Arthur: If I'm the last person on Earth that means you're dead because I am the last one.
Lance: Because I killed myself.
"I think the sentence he wanted to say is if you're the last two people on Earth, he'd rather let humanity die than procreate with you."
Lance: (shudders) Yuck.
Arthur: (blinks)
Arthur: We're both guys, we can't repopulate the Earth?
Arthur: Do you
Arthur: Do you wanna procreate with m—(gets censored)
Lance: (throws up in a bucket)
"If this chapter gets flagged I will cancel your solo stories."
Arthur: Pfft, I'll write fanfictions.
Lance: WHY WOULD YOU?
Arthur: The question would be why shouldn't I?
Lance: This is why I'm glad we broke up in the book!
Arthur: I was trying so hard not to laugh.
"If you're so glad that your characters broke up, how did you manage to cry in front of the camera?"
Lance: Those were tears of joy.
Arthur: Me, I was actually crying IRL. Especially when I held Heimdall’s hands and said, "Let's go home."
"Why?"
Arthur: Just thinking of that night Lance and I spent in one cabin, knowing that it will never happen again.
Lance: One day I'm going to get a restraining order against you.
Arthur: You think that would stop me?
Lance: Please, please be a normal person.
Arthur: I am a normal person! Why do you hate me so much? (gasps loudly) Is it because you actually love me but you don't know how to express your feelings properly?
Arthur: You want me to teach you tonight?
"OKAY LET'S ASK ONE MORE QUESTION AND THEN WE'RE ALL GOING TO CHURCH."
Lance: This better be the last question or I'm burning this studio down.
"It's actually one question with lots of follow-up. Anyway! Seeing that your characters are opposites of who you are in real life, what acting techniques do you use to stay in character?"
Lance: I'm a part-time teacher so I know how to act happy even when I want to kill someone.
Arthur: I'd say I hate Arthur Lukas's character for being so sad, but he's Heimdall's wife so that's amazing. To stay in character, I just remember that the world is becoming stupider and stupider by the minute, warmer and warmer, and...
Arthur: Well now I'm just depressed.
Arthur: >:/
Lance: Cheer up now, the future is bright. (smiles)
Arthur: :)
Lance: Ah fuck I accidentally slipped into character after seeing--(hits Arthur's face with a cushion) Stop frowning!
Arthur: See, he loves me.
Lance: That's the last question, I'm leaving.
"Oh, are you going to church with us?"
Arthur: (gasps) Are we getting married?
"Oh, speaking of marriage, Arthur, sir, why did you reject Lance's proposal? Are we going to know in the next chapters?"
Arthur: Hey Heimdall wanna leave this place?
Lance: Let's go.
(The guests left the studio.)
"Oh well, at least we tried! Thanks and bye, Hemlock! Now these are the clues for our next show's guests!"
Harry Styles
Tired mom™
That guy from Bungou Stray Dogs
Son of Thor
She-could-have-been-from-Food-Wars-except-she-likes-having-clothes-on™
Would totally kill you IRL.
And maybe we'd have Hemlock back with SMS so drop your questions for these people and until then, ciaooo!
(Credits roll)
(Funky music)
(Host dances as the lights go dimmer)