21
Inilibot ni Atarah ang kanyang paningin mula sa kabuuan ng nursery room. Parang kailan lang ay kasama pa niya si Treyton sa pag-aayos ng mga gamit dito. Parang kailan lang ay nagtatalo pa sila sa pagdidisenyo. Parang kailan lang din ay kasama pa nila ang parents niyang pinanonood sila kung paano nila ayusin iyong kwarto. Pero ngayon, nangyayari na lang ang mga iyon mula sa kanyang alaala at hindi niya alam kung mauulit pa ba.
A knocked outside the door took her attention. Kaagad nitong pinunasan ang kanyang mga luha para kahit papaano'y hindi siya mahalata.
Nakatagilid lang itong tumango habang kinakausap siya ng isa nilang kasambahay para sa kanilang dinner. She doesn't want anyone to see her crying that's why. When she realized that the maid already left, tsaka ito nagpakawala ng malalim na buntung-hininga bago siya sumunod sa baba.
On the dining table, hindi katulad ng madalas nilang ginagawa na nagkekwentuhan habang nasa hapagkainan, this time, silence invades them. Sa unang pagkakataon din ay hindi sumabay ang kanilang mga kasambahay sa hapag katulad ng kanilang nakagawian.
Tatlong araw na nung mangyari iyon. Atarah can feel and she can easily tell that her father is still mad at her but she can't also stop herself from getting mad because of her father.
At some point, she understand his father's reaction because they didn't tell him the truth in the first place. But questioning Treyton's personality is the thing she can't understand and that's the thing she will never understand at all.
"Where are you going?" Her Mom asked when she stood up. Even without looking at her father, ramdam nitong napatingin din ito sa kanya.
"I'm already full." Sagot lang nito. She once looked at her parents—especially her Dad as a sign of respect bago ito umalis doon.
She end up locking herself inside the nursery room. At hindi na nga nito napigilan ang kanyang pagluha. She already missed Treyton but she can't do anything because she doesn't want to add fuel on her Dad's madness. She can't even talk to Treyton. Her Dad really wants to cut her ties on him. Bakit ang unfair nila? Bakit ang unfair niya?
For the rest of the day and even the next days, wala itong ginawa kundi ang magkulong sa loob ng nursery room. Ngayong malapit ng lumabas ang bata, bakit kailangang ngayon pa magkaproblema?
"I'm not hungry." Naisagot nito nang marinig niya ang katok mula sa labas.
But the knocks keep on going on until she heard it opened. Pero hindi niya nilingon kung sinuman iyong pumasok. Her eyes were just settled on the crib in front of her.
She doesn't want to talk to anyone. She doesn't want to see anyone. Bakit ba hindi nila iyon maintindihan?
"I said I'm not hung—"
"Atarah." That voice cut her then it was late when realized that she's prisoned on someone's arms now. "Please baby, don't do this to yourself." At ang paghaplos nito nang marahan sa kanyang likuran ang siyang tuluyang nagpakawala sa mga hikbi niya.
"I want to see him. I want to see Treyton. Please, I want to see Treyton." She pleaded between her cries. Neon, who's hugging her keeps on tapping her back to comfort her.
"I know but please, think of yourself... of the baby. Don't stress yourself Atarah. It might affect the baby on your womb." Neon's words helped Atarah to get back into reality.
Now thinking about the things she did to herself, she end up blaming herself. Alam niyang nasasaktan siya pero bakit nakalimutan niyang may isang buhay na nga pa lang dapat alagaan sa sinapupunan niya?
Simula noong araw na dumating si Neon, tila nanumbalik ang sigla nito. Thanks to his words. But it would be different if Treyton is here with me, she thought. Her friends always visit her too. Naikwento na rin niya sa mga ito ang nangyari. She got many advices from them but still, she can't understand why her Dad can't accept Treyton for her.
Hanggang ngayon, ramdam pa rin niya ang malamig na pakikitungo ng kanyang ama sa kanya.
"I won't let you put disgrace into this family." Sa tuwing nakikita nito ang kanyang ama ay lagi nitong naaalala kung anong eksaktong sinabi niya sa kanya at hindi niya mapigilang masaktan dahil doon.
"Dixie Atarah, leave Treyton and I will leave him alone." Her tears are about to flow again. She knew how mad her Dad is and she doesn't want to make him more mad. Pero bakit gano'n? Bakit ba ipinagkakait niya sa akin ang kasiyahan ko?
Before she could cry, Atarah controlled herself because if she drowned herself in tears again, pakiramdam niya'y lalong nadadagdagan ang kasalanan niya sa anak niya.
Napahawak ito sa kanyang tyan. In the end, she smiled with tears in her eyes. Pakiramdam niya'y iyong sanggol ang nagcocomfort sa kanya.
She shouldn't be stress. She shouldn't be feeling anything that might increase the risk of premature labor once she reach that stage but she can't help it.
I understand that my father doesn't want to put our family in disgrace but why is he taking away my happiness? Bakit para sa kanya, kahihiyan ang umibig sa isang bakla? Ikinakahiya ba niya akong nagmahal ako sa isang bakla? Does love requires gender? Bakit hindi na lang niya tanggapin iyon?
Isang gabi, napalingon ito sa pintuan nang marinig niyang bumukas iyon. Then her Mom showed up. Nginitian na lang niya ito kahit na sa totoo lang ay nahihirapan siyang ngumiti sa sitwasyong mayroon siya ngayon.
"Are you okay, honey?" Tumango lang ito bilang sagot kahit na ang totoo ay hindi. She doesn't want to talk dahil kapag ginawa niya, alam niyang mababasag lang ang boses niya. "I know you're not and it's okay not to be okay, Atarah." Hinaplos ng Mom nito ang kanyang buhok.
"Are... are you also m-mad at me for loving a gay like him?" She straightforwardly asked her Mom.
Sa halip na salita ay mahihinang tawa lamang ang narinig nito bilang sagot mula sa kanyang ina. Naramdaman muli nito ang paghaplos na ginawa ng kanyang ina sa buhok niya bago siya nito nginitian.
"I don't have the right to judge your feelings, Atarah. Whoever your heart decides to fall in love with, I'll respect it." Her Mom replied with a smile written on her face. "Besides, I already knew it." Dagdag nito na nakakuha ng kanyang atensyon.
"H-how?" Gaya nung nauna, muli munang tumawa ang ginang sa harap niya.
"Remember the story you shared to me before? I know that was yours Atarah and I'm proud that you have a unique love story like that." Wala sa sariling pinaglapat nito ang kanyang mga labi.
Sa hindi malamang dahilan ay tinubuan siya ng kahihiyan. Not that she's ashamed of it. Hindi niya lang kasi inaasahang matatandaan pa iyon ng kanyang ina. Iyon 'yong panahong nagtatalo pa ang isip at puso niya dahil sa nararamdaman niya.
Niyakap siya ng Mom nito at hinalikan sa noo bago siya nito iniwan sa kanyang kwarto.
Being left alone again, she heave a deep sigh. My Mom easily accepted it but why my Dad can't do it? Is the image of this family more important to him than my happiness? Her daughter's happiness?
The next morning, Neon came in to visit her in their house. If it wasn't because of what her Dad reminded to her, hindi pa nito maalala ang childbirth education class na dinaluhan nila ni Treyton kamakailan lang—noong okay pa ang lahat.
Sure, she already missed lot of sessions. And yeah, she appreciates what her father did. Iniisip na lang nito na sana kung maaga nilang sinabi kaagad sa kanya ang totoo, hindi na aabot ang lahat sa ganito. But still, will it make a difference?
"It's o-okay Dad. Hindi na lang siguro ako pupunta." Sagot pa rin nito sa ama. Yes, Atarah's mad at him too but she can't disrespect her father just like that.
"Kung iniisip mong wala kang kasama then I'll let Neon accompany you." Natahimik ito. Noon ay napatingin din siya sa gawi ng lalaki na nagkataong nakatingin lang din sa kanya. In the end, she agreed.
On that wide hall, maraming mga katulad niyang mga nagdadalang tao rin. All of them was with their partners. Napangiti naman siya ng mapakla. Hoping that she is too.
"Atarah, baby?" Tawag sa kanya ni Neon at tila noon lamang siya nahimasmasan mula sa pag-iisip.
She faced Neon and masked a smile on her lips tsaka siya iginiya ng lalaki sa isang magkakatabing upuan.
In front was the childbirth educator. Before she started the discussion, she prepared a video clip, gave them some copies regarding the topic.
Then there, she discussed them one by one all the things they should know about labor, delivery and postpartum care. Also, on how to identify the signs of labor and what happens to their bodies as the babies will make their way into the world.
The educator also discussed them all the options for handling pain, methods such as breathing techniques during labor and a lot more.
Pagkatapos noon ay lumipat sila sa isang area kung saan ay mayroong isang kahabaang table doon. May mga lamping nakalagay roon maging ang isang mannequin ng sanggol at isa-isa nilang itinuro sa kanila kung paano bihisan ito, kung paano ang tamang paghawak sa mga katawan nila at kung anu-ano pa.
Good thing Neon was with her. Nagagawa niya itong alalayan. Atarah appreciates his presence but still, umaasa siyang sana ay si Treyton na lang ang kanyang kasama.
After that session, they stopped near a coffee shop. While having their drinks, doon na naisipan ni Atarah na magpahinga muna. When she took out her phone, tila mas nanghina ito dahil wala siyang nakuhang ni isang mensahe sa lalaki—kay Treyton.
"Are you okay?" Neon asked her. Tumango lang ito bilang sagot at pilit na ngumiti. Tsaka ito umiwas ng tingin.
Atarah hated the fact that all she did this past few days—or weeks was to fake her smile whenever someone's talking to her. She doesn't want to pretend though but with her condition, how can she smile?
Malalim ang naging pagbuntong hininga nito dahilan para lingunin siya ng kasama.
"Baby, are you really okay?" Neon asked her again, worriedly. Still, she just nodded her head.
Saglit muna itong nagpaalam sa lalaki upang magtungo sa isang washroom. Inayos lang nito ang kanyang sarili bago niya napagpasyahang lumabas tsaka niya inaya ang kasama na umalis na sa lugar na iyon. Gusto na rin naman niyang magpahinga kahit papaano.
Pagkalabas nila sa shop, inalalayan siya ni Neon nang makita niya itong tila nahihirapan sa paglalakad. Besides, mabagal na rin ito kung maglakad maging sa pagkilos.
On their way to the carpark, agad silang natigil sa paglalakad nang may makabungguan si Neon na isang babae.
"I'm sorry." Neon apologized though it wasn't really his fault.
"Naku Sir, ako dapat ang humingi ng pasensya—" Bigla itong natigil sa pagsasalita nang tignan sila nito lalo na nung tumigil ang paningin nito kay Atarah tsaka ulit lumingon kay Neon at balik ulit kay Atarah.
"Naku Ma'am! Ikaw nga po!" Naguguluhan man si Atarah, ngumiti ito sa babae.
Hindi niya naman kasi ito kilala at hindi niya rin maalalang minsan niya itong nakasama. But why does she know me anyway? She thought.
"Ay, ako po yung attendant sa Ziaaxi Hotel noon yung nag-assist sa inyo sa kwarto. Kung saan po naganap yung homecoming niyo noon." Dagdag pa nito, natutuwa. Samantalang sinubukan namang alalahanin ni Atarah ang lahat ng nangyari noong gabing iyon.
"Sir, kayo po siguro yung tumawag sa phone ni Ma'am noon, ano? Ako po yung nakausap niyo noon. Bagay po talaga kayo ni Ma'am. Hindi ko alam na magkakaanak na po pala kayo." Noon ay binalingan naman nito ang lalaki, nakangiti pa rin ito.
Looking on how this girl talk to them with a smile on her face, Atarah couldn't process everything she heard. Did Neon called me that night? Wait, that girl said she was the one who answered the phone call? Why can't I remember a thing?
Hanggang sa magpaalam ito sa kanila, noon lamang nilingon ni Atarah ang kanyang kasama. Naguguluhan na ito. Lot of things are running on her mind now but that's impossible. It's really impossible.
"What does she mean?" She bravely asked and Neon looked at her sincerely. Tsaka nito narinig ang malalim na pagbuntong hininga nito.
"I came back that night, Atarah." Neon answered after a short silence.
Before Atarah could lose her balance, nahawakan siya nito kaagad. Napahawak din ito sa kamay ng lalaki at hinigpitan niya iyon na para bang doon siya kumukuha ng lakas dahil sa nalaman.
Neon came back that night? But how? I mean why did I woke up beside Treyton?
Posible bang lumabas ako sa kwartong tinuluyan ko at pagbalik ko'y ibang kwarto na ang pinasukan ko?
She inhaled a large amount of air because she felt like she can't breathe that moment. Hindi na niya alam kung ano talaga ang totoo hanggang sa unti-unting nanumbalik sa isip nito ang lahat—simula no'ng mangyari ang homecoming nila sa Ziaaxi Hotel noon.
"Good evening Sir. I'm an attendant here at Ziaaxi Hotel. Nakatulog po si Ma'am kaya dinala na lang po namin siya sa isang kwarto."
Atarah bit her lower lip. She doesn't know how to feel anymore. Maybe she's drunk that night. Maybe her vision was blurred but everything she heard that time was still clear on her.
"Baby..." That was what she heard before someone kissed her. That endearment. Gosh, that endearment!
Naging palaisipan na rin tuloy sa kanya ang biglang pag-iiba ng paraan ng pakikitungo sa kanya ng kanyang ama. After the cold treatment I experienced from my father, is this the reason why he became kind to me all of a sudden? Did he knew?
And how about all the things Neon did and about the treatment he gave me when he learned that I'm pregnant? Is it because...
Atarah once gripped Neon's right arm when she slowly realized everything now. Then her eyes started to water while pursing her lips, trying to stop herself from sobbing. Tsaka nito sinalubong ang tingin ng lalaki na noo'y binigyan siya ng nag-aalalang tingin.
Neon was there. Neon came back that night.
Does... Does that mean, he's the father of my child? Neon is the father of my baby?