The Storm
The thunderstorm roared loudly as the rain poured heavily. On days like this, Lila just wants to crawl on her bed and sleep. Ngunit hindi pwede. May kailangan pa siyang pag-aralan at mga email na sasagutin. But she can't help being distracted. Padalang nang padalang ang pagkikita nilang dalawa ni Ewan. He's busy and she is too. Idagdag pa ang sunod-sunod na bagyong dumarating na palaging nagpo-postponed ng dates nila.
Something happened awhile ago. It bothered and upset her. Finally, she got her phone and called him.
"Nasaan ka pala?" bungad niya.
He was speaking unintelligibly.
"Hello?" usal niya ulit.
She ended the call. Where is he? To lessen the gloominess of the day, she decided to watch a movie but she later fell asleep. It was a deep slumber but she awoke to the ringing of her phone.
"Lila?"
It's Ewan. She got up. Kinusot ang mga mata.
"Bakit?" Her voice still croaky.
"I was out." There was a hesitation. "Kasama ko 'yong mga taga-review center."
She sighed deeply. "Hindi mo man lang sinabi sa'kin? Nalaman ko pa sa post mo. Ilang beses kitang tinawagan—
Napatigil siya sa pagsasalita.
She realized, for a moment right then, that she sounded like someone else. Jace. When he was always acting possessive that it felt suffocating.
"I'm sorry. Nakalimutan ko talaga. Gusto ko lang naman makisama sa kanila. Don't worry, hindi na mauulit."
Nasapo niya ang ulo. She has been stressed out lately. She felt guilty after what she just said. Pareho pa naman silang pagod.
"I'm sorry. Ang pangit pala ng dating." She tried to laugh. "It's okay. Hindi mo kailangang ipaalam sa'kin buong schedule mo. Do what you want. I trust you."
She bit her lip.
"So okay na tayo?" he asked, she can almost see him smiling.
Napatango siya kahit hindi nito nakikita
"Oo naman. Hindi ko kayang magalit sa'yo."
Later that night, he messaged again.
@thewancairo: sorry :((
Natawa siya sa chat nito. She just missed him so much. If she could only hug him right now.
@lilacj: It's okay. :) Hindi mo kailangan sabihin sa'kin lahat ng ginagawa mo. Medyo naging paranoid lang ako kanina.
@thewancairo: Still it's my fault I'll be better, okay?
She knows he will. And she, too, will be better for him.
Not until Saturday morning. When she got a call from someone. Gusto nitong makipagkita sa kanya. Binigay nito ang address ng isang magarang restaurant. Hindi niya alam kung ano ang aasahan. Hindi niya alam kung ano ang intensyon nito. But she decided to go.
“Mang, nasaan ‘yong payong dito?” tanong niya.
It was still raining hard.
“Naku, dinala ni Tommy ang isa. Teka lang...” Her mamang went back inside and got her another umbrella. It was the floral umbrella again, the one he gave her. Sinauli niya na 'to but it somehow made its way back to her again on one of their dates.
“Alis na ‘ko, Mang," paalam niya at tinahak ang maulan na daan.
Habang sakay sa taxi ay biglang pumasok sa utak niya ang sinabi ng abuela ni Ewan noong pumunta siya sa kanilang bahay.
“Lila...” She was smiling but it didn't reach her eyes.
She looks youthful even with her age. Mukhang hindi ito mahilig magbigay ng ekspresyon.
“Scholar ka pala sa Gustavio?” she asked.
Marahan siyang tumango. “Opo...”
Nanlamig siya hindi lang dahil sa ginaw kundi dahil na rin sa mga mata nito.
“Hanga ako sa kabataang tulad mo. Minsan na lang ang mga nagpupursige ngayon. Gusto ko ang tulad mo, hija.”
Napatungo siya, nahihiya. “S-salamat po.”
Tumayo ito saka lumapit sa kanya. She gave her a piece of paper.
“Kung kailangan mo ng tulong, huwag kang mahihiyang tawagan ako.”
That's what she said that day. As the minutes passed by, her heart beats a little faster. Inisip niya na ang maaaring sabihin nito at ang kanyang isasagot ngunit di pa niya natatapos ay huminto na ang taxi. She went inside without knowing that she'll regret doing so.
“Hija...” panimula nito.
She wiped her mouth clean with the table napkin. Nangangalahati pa siya sa kanilang pagkain habang patapos na ang matanda.
“Kumusta ka ngayon?”
“Okay naman po. Naghahanap ako mapapasukan.”
She nodded. “Diba cum laude ka? Hindi ba dumagsa ang mga offer sa’yo?”
“Mayroon naman kaso pinag-iisipan ko pa.”
Both of them went silent, weighing each other's presence. She just wants the floor to swallow her right then. Napatunghay siyang muli at nawala na ang ngiti sa mukha nito.
“Alam mo bang nakuha ang thesis ni Ewan sa isang international prize?” Her brow raised a bit.
Natigilan siya. She didn't know that. Wala itong sinabi sa kanya. All this time, he had this kind of opportunity and he didn't tell her? Nakagat niya ang ibabang labi. She did the same thing. She kept it a secret and she didn't tell him. For her, going to Japan wasn't important because she already refused to go.
“A big electronic company wants to get him to work for them. The likes of samsung but unfortunately, my apo declined. Something is holding him back..." She paused, eyeing her. "Someone, to be specific.”
“H-hindi ko po alam...” she stuttered.
“Wala akong masamang intensyon.”
Napalingon siya sa dumaang waiter. She felt helpless, unfamiliar of everything. She's confused and afraid and terrified.
“Ang tanong ko lang, kaya mo bang magsakripisyo?”
Hindi niya alam.
“Can you do the same thing for him?”
Can she? If the tables were turned, can she sacrifice for him? She already had the answer when she chose that email long ago. She went home defeated.
Anong gagawin ko. Why didn't you tell me?
She was confused of what to do but one thing is for sure, she wanted nothing but the best for him. And if this is the right thing to do, she will do it in a heartbeat.
“Sigurado ka na ba, anak? Akala ko ay di mo na itutuloy?” pagtataka nito.
Ngumit siya nang malungkot. “Gusto ko rin kasing malaman kung ano ba talagang nangyari kay mama at sa tunay kong ama.”
She pursed her lips as she sorted through her things. Nakalista na ang kanyang mga dapat na gagawin sa mga susunod na araw. Matagal niya na itong planado ngunit hindi niya alam na mababawiin niya pala ulit.
“Tsaka napakagandang opportunity ‘yon. Baka hindi na bumalik kapag binitawan ko pa," she said as if trying to convince herself.
Her mouth tasted bitter after every lie she tells herself.
“Kailan ang alis mo?” Shane called her over.
“Malapit na.”
“Sinabi mo na ba sa kanya?”
She stopped folding her clothes. Hindi siya nakasagot.
Shane sighed on the other line. “Hindi pa? Lila, naman.”
“Wala pa akong nakikitang tyempo eh," sagot niya.
It's wrong that she's still keeping him in the dark.
“Kaya mo ‘yan. Maiintindihan niya, promise.”
She hoped so. She hasn't been contacting him. Inactive ang kanyang social media. He went here several times and Tommy would send him away. She keeps prolonging everything. Alam niyang mali iyon. She's a terrible person but she doesn't want to do it.
But there's no stopping of this now. Pumunta siya sa review center nito at naghintay sa harap ng building hanggang sa nakita niya itong lumabas. The rain gradually falling from the sky. It seems like the storm won't pass sooner.
His face lighted up when he recognized her. Agad siya nitong dinaluhan.
“Lila, ba’t ka nagpapaulan? Di mo pa sinasagot ang mga tawag ko. Pumunta ako sa inyo—
“Sorry...” tigil niya dito.
He smiled. “Sorry din. Konting-konti na lang, matatapos na rin ‘to.”
Iginiya siya nito sa loob upang sumilong. She pursed her lips. She can't look him in the eye. Bumibigat ang kanyang pakiramdam sa bawat sandaling kasama niya ito.
“Ewan...”
“Uhm?”
“So nakapasok kasi ako sa Kyoto University sa Japan.”
He beamed widely. “Talaga? That’s great! Ba’t hindi mo sinabi? Dapat sini-celebrate ‘yan.”
But his smile faded as soon as he realized something. She needs to go. She needs to leave. She wants to. For him. Or fo herself, entirely. Maybe he was just an excuse.
“So...” he paused. “Kailan ang alis mo?”
“Next month," she replied.
He smiled bitterly. “Gano’n ka bilis?”
“Oo eh. Na-confirmed ko na sa kanila.”
She was even done with the Japanese basic language. Pasado siya. Her visa is ready. Everything is—except her.
She fidgeted on her feet. Watching the people passing by. It's am average day for everyone. It's unlucky for most because of the heavy rainfall. It's a comfort for some. But it's lingering fear and pain for the two of them.
“I’m so happy for you," he said but his eyes were not saying such. Napatungo ito. “So what will happen to us?” he whispered.
“I was thinking...” she was about to say it when a commotion happened outside.
Her was in her throat.
“Anong meron?”
“May nagsuntukan sa labas!” someone yelled.
Humupa ang ulan at niyaya siya nitong kumain muna sa cafeteria. They were silent. He was trying to make a small talk, laughing a little without catching her eyes. She can't swallow her food anymore. She feels like throwing up.
“Pwedeng tapusin na natin ‘to?”
He chuckled softly. “Bakit naman? Kakakain pa nga lang natin.”
She nodded. “Sige, pagkatapos na lang.” It wasn't what she was talking about.
He knew what was coming. He's prolonging it just like what she had been doing.
Lumabas sila saka pinagmasdan ang muling pagbuhos ng ulan. Nakatayo sila, hinihintay ang kung ano. Nakatulala sa kawalan.
“Uminom ka ng vitamins, Lila. Hindi ka pa naman nag-i-exercise baka dapuan ka ng sipon. Ang daming nagkakasakit sa bahay—
Ipinikit niya ang mga mata. “Ewan, itigil na muna natin ‘to.”
He didn't answer. Sinubukan niyang ngumiti sa likod ng pangingilid ng kanyang mga luha.
“Isipin mo. We can both do the things we wanted to even in separate ways," she said.
He sighed. “Alam mo na siguro...”
Napatango siya nang marahan. “Ayoko na ring patagalin eh. Tsaka gusto kong harapin natin ‘to in a mature way. ‘Yong praktikal.”
Nilahad nito ang palad at sinalo ang iilang butil ng ulan.
“Ganitong araw din tayo unang nagkita, diba? Mahigit isang taon...”
Naalala niya. Hindi niya malilimutan. He was rude back then. But he still caught her eyes. He still made her nervous and agitated every single time he stares. Everything happened so fast that she wants to press the reset button and start over. Mahina siyang napahagulgol. Nakayuko at tumataas-baba ang balikat. Hindi niya kaya.
“Ito ba talaga ang gusto mo?” tanong nito.
Ang sikip ng kanyang dibdib. Hindi siya halos makahinga.
“Lila, look at me," pilit nito.
She doesn't want to take the risk of seeing his face. She might just change her mind and be in his arms instead. Nanatili siyang nakayuko sa kabila ng hawak nito sa kanyang mga braso.
"Paano naman kita bibitawan kung iiyak ka nang ganyan?" His voice, always sounded so loving and soft.
Kailan man ay hindi ito nagtaas ng boses.
"G-gusto kong gawin 'to nang mag-isa. Ang cliche man pero gusto kong hanapin ang sarili. At sa tingin ko— di ko magagawa iyon habang iniisip na may taong naghihintay sa'kin."
“Pwede ko namang tanggihan ‘yong offer. Ang dami namang choices dito," he explained.
Agad siyang umiling. "No, ang selfish at ang unfair no’n sa’yo.”
"Don't you really want to make this work? Kaya naman siguro natin.”
She looked away.
“Ewan, you and I know how this would end. Instead of prolonging it, I'm saving both of us from the agony."
"Lagi mo na lang pinapangunahan ang lahat. Why won't you let other people love you? Why won't you let me do the waiting? Magaling ako do'n."
"At first, we'll think that it'd work. How hard can it be? Pero I’m going to be on the other side of the world. And knowing that you...” Just the thought of seeing him with somebody else while she's gone. And her unable to do anything about it. “Hindi ko kaya.”
She bit her lip, mustering every courage.
“We're gonna run in circles but how are we going to reach each other's end?"