Sahil
"So, Sahil, what's your take on the film? What makes you think that the audience will like it?"
I didn't bother to reply when my mind was too preoccupied searching for Ayesha through the crowds, my eyes scanning hastily through each row.
The time was 7:30, and Ayesha was supposed to be here a quarter of an hour before. She had assured me that she'd be here by 7:15.
I felt a nudge from Kumar, and I looked at him irately, for having spoilt my searching quest. Annoyance flickered in his eyes as he motioned towards the crowd of paparazzi. And that's when I realised a question was directed to me and I hadn't answered it yet.
"Um, sorry?"
"Sahil, what makes you think that the viewers will like the film? I mean, you are aware of the clash...that Varun Bahl's film, is also going to release on the same day. So, why should people watch your movie instead of his?" The reporter kindly elucidated.
I sensed Rhea stiffen. She suddenly became interested in her red-black nail art, as if gauging if the colour complimented her dress-an unabashed smirk formed in my lips.
"Maybe, you are asking the wrong person," I answered cheerfully, beaming brightly at a very embarrassed Rhea.
The reporters caught the little hint, and some of them hooted. They turned their cameras from me to her, to capture her reaction. Rhea's face flushed a deep crimson, matching her red, deep V-neck jumpsuit for an amusing moment. She instantly faked a sweet smile, but it disappeared much sooner. She rolled her lips inside and settled with fiddling the black buttons on her outfit, angrily.
I gave an inward chuckle; however, when I caught a glimpse of an amusement-mixed-annoyance on Kumar's face, I hastily proceeded, "Well...I believe the film is magical, and the direction is spectacular. And we both have performed reasonably well-"
"So, are you saying that Varun Bahl's film doesn't have any of the above?" A reporter questioned, interrupting my formulated response.
As much as I wanted to say yes, only, just to irate Varun, I couldn't help but feel a bit irritated. Is there any rule that the media should always interpret the wrong meaning after reading between the lines?
"He didn't say that, " Kumar snarled, saving me from formulating an irritating-nettlesome-yet-polite response. "He meant to say that he thinks that's what makes the film more lovable. "
I nodded accordingly.
As the conversation-questioning shifted to Rhea, on her thoughts and views, I scanned the crowds for the umpteenth time.
I glanced impatiently at the expensive Fossil wristwatch that Nisha had abruptly enswathed on me, concluding that my wrist was way too bare, and un-complimenting my outfit. And how she had jumped to that conclusion is beyond me.
Coming from Borivali to Malad had taken longer than foreseen, because of the unreliable Mumbai traffic. And once we had reached this venue, Nisha had done a last-minute touch-up on my face, like she always does. I had walked down to the paparazzi crowd and had posed for the photos, like usual. Rhea had joined me shortly, wearing a striking red sleeveless jumpsuit with a deep, plunging V-neckline. Her hairs were styled beautifully to a messy bun. We had posed together, trying to bring the best ingenuity in our fake smiles. And then had proceeded to the auditorium and had begun the answering to the questions along with Kumar. He had arrived much earlier.
One of the volunteers hastened to Kumar and muttered something in his ear. Kumar gave a single nod, and the volunteer backed away.
"We will be starting in two minutes, " Kumar whispered in my ear, referring to the first visual of the trailer.
"No!" I exclaimed loud enough for Rhea to pause her long speech of why the film was very special and close to her heart for a brief moment.
Kumar raised his eyebrows questioningly, and I immediately began to speak in a much lower voice, pleadingly, "I mean- Kumar, Ayesha is on her way. And please... She shouldn't miss the beginning. I had planned on watching this with her from the beginning of the shooting of the film. Please-"
Kumar bit his lip and looked at me helplessly, "Sahil-"
"Please Kumar!" I implored. "She would be here any minute. You know how unpredictable the Mumbai traffic can be! Please?"
Kumar glanced at the crowd before replying, "Okay... I can delay for a few more minutes, then, " He mumbled at last.
He snapped his fingers. Instantly, the same volunteer came by his side, and Kumar muttered the new instructions in his ear.
I was starting to panic now. There had been a delay in almost half an hour. And Ayesha was a time-freak! She would never be late on any occasion.
I began tapping my foot nervously, adjusting the blue denim blazer with my free hand, my eyes fixed to the entrance. Rhea was sitting to my immediate right, and she was answering all questions diplomatically. After her answers, there will be no reason to wait any longer. And we will have to proceed with the trailer launch.
I signalled Jane, who was standing at the end of the stage, to call Ayesha. I had given her Ayesha's number recently. She nodded and instantly, stepped back from the crowd and disappeared to make the call.
After three minutes, Jane returned and shook her head, dejectedly at my questioning look.
I ran a hand over my groomed hairs and drummed the mic on my thigh, feeling increasingly anxious.
Where was Ayesha?
After ten minutes, Ayesha still hadn't come.
"Sahil..." Kumar began apologetically, "I think..." He didn't complete and trailed away, as Rhea stood up, after finishing her question-answering session. She gave me a smug smile as she dusted her striking outfit.
I nodded helplessly, not finding any other alternative to delay the events occurring. Reluctantly, I got to my feet too and moved to a side to allow Kumar to go first. Rhea followed him, and I followed her.
I gestured to Jane, and she instantly came to my side.
"What happened?" I asked in a hushed voice, scanning around, to make sure we were out of earshot.
"She is not picking up, Sir," Jane replied gloomily, "She has switched off her mobile."
"Switched off?" I asked incredulously.
Jane nodded.
"Okay... Keep calling her, and if she picks up by any chance, tell me immediately. "
Jane nodded obediently and retreated. My eyes traced her figure until she had stepped out of the auditorium.
The lights of the hall went off suddenly, and the projector screen brightened. Excited murmurs and white beams filled the atmosphere. I reluctantly ambled back to stand amidst the crew.
Where was Ayesha?
*****
I honked carelessly at the small car in front of me. I was being remarkably rude, but I didn't care. I gripped the steering wheel hard, as I continued to honk noisily. I was well aware of the signal being red and knew that I could be charged for my indiscipline, but I had much more critical and essential things in my plate.
Where had Ayesha disappeared? Did she get a call from the office? Or maybe, she didn't leave Juhu at all? Where did she go?
I re-dialled Ayesha, for the eighteenth time, only to snarl at the typical response of, "The number you are dialling is currently switched off. Please try again later. "
When I heard honks blare, I realised the signal had turned green. Pressing on the accelerator, I gripped the steering wheel with unwanted force, as I took a sharp turn, to the road leading to Juhu.
Managing the steering wheel with one hand, my left hand manually began typing an urgent message to Ayesha, instructing her to call me right away, since she was not picking up my calls. I received a text from Jane that she wasn't able to connect with Ayesha either.
I came to an abrupt halt on coming across a signal one more time.
Her cousin wouldn't be of any particular help too. Moreover, she was in New York. Ayesha had told me three days ago, and at this time, she would be in a client meeting, and so, calling her was futile. In inexplicable frustration, I threw my mobile to the side, honking precipitously.
After the trailer launch, I had come out of the auditorium very quickly. For, I was feeling increasingly panicked and worried about Ayesha. She was never late, and her mobile also was never switched off. And whatever it was she would have informed me. Inexplicably numb with worry, I had mumbled something to Kumar, and even before he could respond, I had darted to the parking. I had rapidly mounted the car before zooming out. The fact that I was feeling instinctively scared about her for the first time didn't help one bit either.
As the front gates of my apartment came into a distant view, I scrutinised a little and found out that the gates were already opened. Thankful for that, I pressed the accelerator and rocketed inside.
*****
Finding the lift pre-occupied, I immediately turned to the steps, taking three steps at a time, climbing upstairs. Each step seemed to take a spoonful of my energy, but I had to see Ayesha. The wanting to see her diminished all my fatigues and cast a spell of numbness on me.
Finally reaching the eleventh floor, I paused for a minuscule second to catch my breath, before limping swiftly towards my house. To my bewilderment, I found the house locked.
For a frantic second, my head went frenzy, and I couldn't contemplate anything.
And then when little sense knocked in my brain, I frenzily searched my pockets and drew out a small, slender emergency key that I always carried, and unlocked the door.
"Ayesha!" I called out desperately, hoping by any miracle she would be present here. But I heard my own voice being echoed. Staggering to the rooms, I checked each room, hoping to find something, but to my luck, I found nothing.
Mechanically my trembling fingers began to dial Ayesha another time, stumbling towards the main door.
*****
"Ti kadhi nighali?" I asked disbelievingly to the watchman of my building, unable to believe his initial response.
"Phara purvi. " the watchman replied patiently, not surprised at me disbelieving nature. He glanced at the clock in his small room and continued, "6: 15 Vajata ti nighuna geli, " he replied in Marathi, meaning she left long ago at 6:15 itself.
*****
Disembarking rapidly from my car, I slammed the door shut, running to the big gates of the L&MC-Goregaon branch of Mumbai.
A watchman stopped me from pushing open the locked gates by unnecessary force. He didn't seem to realise who I was, but his expression softened on witnessing the worry on my face.
"Yes?"
"I-she-" I began uneasily, unable to form words, "Ayesha-I-" I took a deep breath, and tried once more, "Ayesha-"
"Calm down...Who do you want?" The watchman asked kindly in English, in a Marathi accent. "Kaun?"
"I... Ayesha Mehra." I replied, at last, steadying my rapid, unorganised breathing.
He gestured me to wait and went inside his little room and brought out a big register. Ruffling two previous pages, he ran his index finger down the ruled page, scrutinising, in the low light available from the dim, flickering streetlight.
After a minute, he shook his head, "Ti yete nahi." He replied simply, "Tine Aja yethe nondavaleli nahi. "
Meaning, she wasn't inside, and she didn't report today.
Mumbling thanks, I rushed to where I had parked my car. For a split second because of the numbness, I couldn't identify the vehicle at all.
Finally spotting the big BMW amidst the bustling street, I embarked into the car swiftly, wanting to proceed to Andheri as fast as possible. However, my hands couldn't just turn on the ignition. No matter how much ever they tried.
I brought my quivering hands on my forehead and wiped innumerable beads of sweat, before hastening to pick my mobile from the dashboard.
Dialling Ayesha once more, I was greeted by the same typical response of "The number you are dialling is currently switched off. Please-"
I cut the call and tossed the mobile aside. Taking a deep breath, I stared at the bustling crowd of Mumbai in front of me, wanting to calm myself down...steady and soothe myself.
And when I didn't succeed, I pressed the accelerator and took the road to Andheri, still breathing frantically as if my breath was about to be snatched from me any moment.
*****
Latched. The Mehra Residence was latched. The iron gates were bolted manually, as usual, so it was easy to unfasten them and enter the big mansion. However, the main door was locked.
Ayesha wasn't here in Andheri as well.
But where else could she have gone? Where had she disappeared? She wasn't at Juhu, nor L&MC not even at her own house in Andheri. Where else did she vanish? She didn't know anyone else or any other place in Mumbai, did she? And if she had gone, wouldn't she have told me? What more critical reason came up, that she skipped the trailer launch?
As a million questions began to churn my brain, I leaned on the main door, for support, unable to withstand the sudden bottomless weight on my head, wiping the immediate innumerous beads of sweat with the sleeve of my denim blazer. I ran a hand over my hairs, feeling my nervousness and anxiety multiply without bounds. It took every uncia of my strength to not succumb into the tormenting thoughts.
After a couple of seconds trickled, I prepared myself to walk to my car and search the entire Mumbai city until I find her. Standing up properly, I facepalmed myself and began to proceed to the gates, when my eyes fell on a small earthen pot, on my immediate right.
It was for the first time I saw a pot at this particular place. I had never seen a pot here before, in my visits to the Mehra Residence.
I automatically glanced to my left at the vast garden the mansion housed. Clearly, the pot had been taken from the garden. And what was more surprising was that there was no plant growth. It was a simple earthen pot, brimmed with fresh soil.
An old memory sparked in my head.
"That is the most imaginative idea I have seen to hide something. "
And before I knew what I was doing, I had crouched to my knees and was taking out lumps of soil from the earthen vessel. And precisely, after three lumps, I spot a silver key.
Blindly dusting the little mud from the key, I look from the door to the key in my hand, wondering if this was the key to the mansion. Because I remember very well, that Ayesha had a silver key too, but she had a keychain. A keychain of three bright yellow beads of the letters A, N, A which stood for the once dwellers of the Mehra Residence.
I dug a little deeper into the pot, with my fingers to find the keychain, in case it had got detached somehow but no avail. The keychain was nowhere to be found.
But if this was the key, what was it doing here? Kavita Tiwari had her own key, and she was in New York, so it was impossible that this key belonged to her. So either this key belonged to Ayesha or this entire thing was a mere coincidence.
Heart hammering, I stood up and walked blindly to the big door. I felt my pulse go haywire, as I inserted the key in its place and turned it right side, praying hard for this to be an uncanny coincidence.
The door unlocked.
Feeling dwindled by a sudden unnamable fear, I stepped into the house and closed the doors behind me. Switching on the lights, I surveyed the living room, motionless for a fleeting minute.
The living room looked the same. It had no changes. And it was clean and tidy, just like it was on any other ordinary days. Not only the living room but the kitchen, guest rooms, dining room, everything looked the same and normal. My eyes searched carefully for anything that was unnormal, but they couldn't find anything.
Walking to the stairway, I clutched the railing with a lot of force than intended as I stared at the steps ahead. The initial steps were visible because of the light from the living room, but as they progressed above, they turned dark.
I lifted my leg to place on the first step, and stopped almost immediately, feeling chained by an indescribable fear and panic. And I felt myself fighting nameless anxiety, supported by the if-but scenario my brain had created so keenly for the past two hours as if it was determined to crush me down.
Gathering a lot of courage, I placed my foot on the first step and stared at the stairway above. And then after an agonising minute, I put my leg on the second step. And later, in an unimaginable speed, I had climbed the entire staircase and was standing outside Ayesha's room.
I could feel nervousness gushing through my veins as I surveyed her unusually closed door. I felt another bolt of panic strike through me.
Ayesha never liked her door closed. She thought it was rude and a house should never have closed doors. All the inner doors should always be open to welcome, not to bar the presence.
Withstanding unidentified exhaustion booming within me, I pushed the door open. To my relief, it wasn't locked and instantly swung open at my touch. I could see the outlined dressing table and the wardrobe. I gazed at the darkness for a strange moment before reaching out to the switchboard to on the lights.
As soon as her big room came to my view, I couldn't spot anything unusual. It was all the same. Everything was in its place. The bed was neatly made, the study table was neat, there was a water bottle on the nightstand beside the bed, and a closed glass too beside the bottle. Everything was in its place, and nothing was unordinary or atypical.
My eyes scanned the whole room repeatedly. And composing myself, I walked to the other side of her bed, towards the wardrobes.
Every step I took towards the closet made me feel doomed. A thrill and pain, the presence of both whom I could sense acutely thundered within me. Every step demanded a large portion of my strength, and I was feeling more distraught and frenzied than ever.
Gripping the silver handles of the wardrobe, I stayed motionless for a minute before pulling them open.
Empty. That's how I found the wardrobe.
Her clothes were missing.
The five shelved wardrobe was desolate and empty.
An unforeseen pain blasted within me, without warning, with such a dizzying velocity that it almost made me fall. I managed to grip the handle of the wardrobe. Before I could make my next move, my eyes fell on a folded paper on the third shelve, very much visible and noticeable.
Hands trembling violently; I couldn't reach the paper quite at first. My fingers refused to grab the little folded paper. Excruciating despair crowded my veins as my hand finally grasped the paper and pulled it towards me.
Unfolding the twice-folded paper, with quivering hands, my heart forgot how to beat when I saw Ayesha's rounded and cursive handwriting.
It wasn't addressed to me.
It was addressed to Kavita Tiwari.
Dearest Di,
Firstly, when you read this letter, you should know that I would be far away from Mumbai, and I have made up my mind on this decision of mine, and I won't be changing my mind in any circumstances. So, any attempts from your side are going to be absolutely futile.
I am leaving Mumbai, Di. I am leaving Mumbai forever. I don't know why I am doing this, but I simply know that I am going away, and I am not returning.
Okay... As to give you a reason for why I am leaving Mumbai, that won't be possible honestly, because I can't tell you. I really can't. And I don't think you'll be able to withstand the truth if I reveal it all of a sudden and it's better than the truth stay hidden within me.
And yes Di, I lied to you. Please don't be angry with me for that because I couldn't see any other alternative. I know you care so much, and you would have never agreed for me leaving Mumbai if I hadn't lied. Please forgive me for that.
But as for Sahil... I couldn't lie to Sahil, Di. I just couldn't.
I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth, but I couldn't bring myself to lie to him also. I am leaving Mumbai without him knowing. I am leaving Mumbai without telling him.
And trust me when I say this if I hadn't taken this sudden decision, I would have regretted it my whole life.
Sahil Malhotra... Di, he is one perfect person. He is handsome, emotional, empathetic, funny, winsome, and everything a girl could ever ask for. Everything I could ask for...I was his. But, I don't think he is mine.
He will be heartbroken for sure when he knows about by abrupt departure. He will get furious; he will try to search me, and I am sure he wouldn't give up till he finds me. He loves me so much. He will never accept this decision of mine. I know he will do all that. He will be so heartbroken.
But his broken heart can mend. It will heal up. But mine won't.
And when his heart does mend, I wouldn't be here. And I don't even want to be here. I just want to remain as a chapter in his book. A chapter that he can tear and rewrite with someone else. And when he does that, I will be the happiest person in the world.
I took this decision because I love him. I love him more than he can ever comprehend and love him more than I can ever say. And to be honest, 'Love' seems like a very abominable word to describe my feelings.
I don't dare to face him; not today, not tomorrow and not anytime in the future. He has a story to live. A story to write. A story that I yearned to be a part of but I can't be any longer.
Somethings aren't meant to be. No matter how much ever perfect, they are, they simply aren't meant to be. And Sahil and I happened to be those.
Parting him has already destroyed a part of my soul, and I can only pray that the remaining also gets destroyed as soon as possible because for me, a life without Sahil, is not a life at all. It's worse than death for me. But parting him is the only thing I can do, to ensure his welfare and well-being. And no, before you jump to conclusions, no one has asked me to take such a drastic step. It's mine and only my decision to separate. Believe me. I have to end this relationship.
And I think I should tell you all this. You have been my thick and thin companion for the past few months, and I owe you an explanation.
You came into my life, Di when there was a huge burden on my shoulder. I consider God to have blessed me, for the Mehra Infrastructures has found an ideal leader, a team player, and a wonderful head. The company will forever flourish under your able leadership and management. And I can't thank you enough for accepting my request to head the company and treating it as your own. I owe you a debt that I can never repay, but I will forever be grateful to you for that.
Okay, things apart, I know you will show this letter to Sahil as soon as you read this. And I have a common request to make. Please don't try to search for me or reach me out in any way because I myself don't know where I am going. But one thing for sure is that I will not return to Mumbai. You both are great souls, and you both have a beautiful life going on. And you have much better and important things to do than searching for me. So, please don't make this more harder for me than it already is.
Love,
Ayesha.
Numb and paralysed with shock, I couldn't bring myself to move a limb. They felt weak and fragile. I couldn't move. My breathing stopped for a minute, and I could only sense blood rushing in my body, but along with the blood, was diffused an unseen anguish-mixed-pain, that seemed determined to slice my body into two parts. My heart seemed to have stopped beating.
...she was wearing a pink salwar kameez, reading something...
...Hi, Sahil...
... I have been waiting for so long, what's a half-hour?
...you'll keep in touch with me won't you, Sahil? You are the only friend I have, and now I am leaving for Mumbai...
...ssh... It's going to be okay, Sahil. Things are going to get better...
'Something is wrong' my mind chanted. This wasn't happening. It looks like a movie. It wasn't happening. Please, it is not happening. Please... This is not true. My mind begged. Please.
...She was telling me the names of the constellations and was explaining their patterns in the brilliant gleaming night sky of Delhi when I had first taken her to my hideout... She was singing A Thousand Years...
She was wearing a peacock blue saree and was looking drop-dead gorgeous... She was twirling in the rain... Carefree and beautiful...
...' It's not a no either'...
The letter skidded down from my fingers and fell with a little sound, which was acutely audible because of the unholy silence. But more acute was the cracking of my heart.
....she was wearing a Mehandi coloured Kurti and surveying me with her twinkling eyes and a beautiful smile as I searched my name amidst the intricate henna patterns...
...She was wearing a beautiful silver embellished lehenga, looking like an enchanting divinity...
....I love you, Sahil...
.... But I want to have a daughter...
I felt numb, and my mind had gone frenzy. I was not able to comprehend anything. I was not able to sense anything. Ayesha was leaving Mumbai forever, and she didn't even tell me once. How? Why?
...Thank you, your honour, I consider myself very blessed for you to have accepted my request...
... No matter how hard I try, you will always be my master in flirting. I will never match up to your ability...
...you are crazy...
...what if one of us leaves the other...
Boisterous thunders of shock blasted within me, as my heart battered without warning. My heart which had stopped beating had now begun beating in such a fast rate; each beat determined to shatter my heart into tinier pieces.
...some things aren't meant to be... No matter how much ever perfect, they are... They simply aren't meant to be... Sahil and I happened to be one of those things...
I fell on my knees.
The next instant, tears crowded my eyes in a tormenting velocity and began to race down my cheeks, unwilling to stop.
Outside, the thunder rumbled with a ferocity unseen, and a torrential downpour followed. It was unexpected. For, Mumbaikars never witnessed heavy rains during the month of November.
******