— 25 —
I had myself ready for what I'm going to do. This is my only decision. To make this alright and for his own peace.
Hinintay ko si Cylo magdamag at nang narinig kong nakapasok na siya sa kaniyang kuwarto ng madaling araw, napahugot ako ng hininga.
"Alam kong mahirap pero to na ang dapat," I closed my luggage and set it aside first before I stood up and walked towards the mirror. I starred at my own reflection and whispered, "This is what he deserves Sam."
Naglakad ako patungo sa pinto dala-dala ang mga gamit ko at binuksan 'yon. Dahan-dahang nilingon ang kaniyang kuwarto at sinatabi muna ang maletang dala ko.
Nilalamig ang mga kamay 'ko habang nakatindig sa harap ng kaniyang kuwarto. Dahan-dahan 'kong tinaas ang nanginginig 'kong kamay at nagdadalawang-isip pang kumatok. Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga nang narinig 'ko ang kaniyang paglapit sa pintuan.
"Who's that?" He said and when he opened the door, I saw the shock in his eyes when he knew it was me.
His eyes are... puffy.
"Hi," I weakly greeted him but before I could say another word, he turned his back against me, leaving the door wide open. I didn't know what comes to my mind why I entered his room, but I really need to talk to him.
"Anong ginagawa mo dito?" Nabigla ako nang nagsalita siya at nilingon ako. He looked at me straight in the eyes, with no other emotion rather than an eyes full of anger.
"Cylo..." Tawag ko at nagsimulang mamuo ang mga luha sa gilid ng mga mata ko. "I-I'm s-sorry-"
"Sorry?" He said with sarcasm. "Marunong ka pa pala mag-sorry? Akala ko hindi na," naglabas siya ng pekeng tawa na hindi ako tinitingnan.
"Cylo, I came here to apologise." Ramdam ko ang pagtakas ng luha sa 'king mata. "I'm sorry for everything-"
"The hell Sam!" Sigaw niya at naglakad papunta sa 'kin. "Sa dami-daming pagkakataon na mag-so-sorry ka, pinili mo pang dumaan sa mas malalang paraan!" Yumuko ako nang nagsisimulang dumaloy ang mga luha sa 'king mga pisngi.
"Fuck!" Aniya at sinabunutan ang sariling buhok sabay talikod. "Naiisip mo rin bang nararamdaman ko? Na masasaktan ako?" Hinarap niya ako, na patuloy sa paghikbi. "Siguro wala 'no? Makasarili ka kasi!"
Mas lalo pa akong humagulgol sa sinabi niya. Ang sakit-sakit pala marinig sa taong importante sa'yo ang totohanan, parang sunod-sunod na pinapaso ang puso 'ko.
Makasarili.
"Naisip mo rin ba ako Sam?" I slowly looked at him. There are unshed tears on his eyes. "Did you every think of me, even just once?" Tear pulled down on his cheeks.
"I did think of you-"
"Pero bakit ang sakit Sam!? Sobra!" Umiiyak niyang sabi at pumikit. "Ang sakit dahil nakita ko pa kayong..." rinig 'ko ang kaniyang paghikbi.
"Nakita ko pa kayong ganon...n-naghahalikan." Lumakas ang kaniyang pag-iyak, dahilan kung bakit tinakpan niya ang kaniyang mukha gamit ang kaniyang mga palad.
"I-I'm s-sorry..." I walked closer at him and reached his hands.
Ang Cylo na nasa harap ko ngayon, ay ang Cylo na hindi ko kayang makita.
He's broken.
He's in deep pain.
He's hurt.
And all of that was because of me.
Because of me.
He wiped his tears and moved my hands away. "Bakit ka pa nandito?" But before I could answer, he spoke again.
"Kasi naawa na ako sa sarili ko Sam, awang-awa na 'ko." Nanghihina niyang sabi. "Awang-awa na 'ko dahil palagi na lang ako, palagi na lang!" He cried and yelled out on the top of his lungs.
"Sawang-sawa na 'kong niloloko Sam, sawang-sawa na..." Nasasaktan na siya. Sobrang nasasaktan na.
"Mahal pa kita pero parang niloloko ko na ang sarili ko," tiningnan niya ako. "Kaya please lang," he pleaded, "Kahit masakit, please... umalis ka na."
It was like a tons of knives was stabbed in my heart, ang sakit.
How selfish am I? He's crying, hurting, and suffering because of me.
"Cylo...please..." I tried to reach for him but he quickly shoved my hand away. "Please... pakinggan mo naman ako..."
"Ano pa? Ano pa ang pakikinggan 'ko Sam? Na mali ang lahat ng 'yon? Na mali lahat ng nakita ko?" I shook my head with tears continuously falling on my cheeks.
"Hindi na ba sapat sa'yo ang nagawa mo sa 'kin? Ano? Gusto mo pa ba 'kong saktan? Ano Sam?! Ano-"
"Ang tanga 'ko!" Giit ko at natahimik siya sa sinabi ko. "Ang tanga 'ko, oo!"
"It was so stupid of me to do that without knowing you'll end up hurting because of me." Tumingin ako sa kaniya habang patuloy ang pagbuhos ng luha ko.
I'm sorry.
"Matagal na patay 'yung hiya ko sa sarili 'ko dahil 'di ko alam sa laki at dami 'kong kasalanan sa 'yo..." I sobbed.
"Dahil sa lahat-lahat ng nagawa ko sa 'yo..."
Sa lahat ng pag-iiwas ko...
Sa lahat ng kasinungalingan ko...
Sa lahat ng pagtataksil ko...
"Sa bawat huling sandali..." I looked at him with tears falling continuously down on my cheeks. "Ikaw pa rin ang pinupuntahan 'ko..."
"Na patuloy pa ring... lumalapit sa'yo..." I sobbed and cried even more. All these times, you where with me and always at my side. You're such a blessing to me but I'm like a disgrace to you.
"I'm sorry Cylo," I weakly said and saw him crying. "I'm not the one who you should include in your plans," I slowly reached for his hand. "There's someone deserving for all of your efforts at hindi niya 'yon masasayang tulad sa 'kin." I gave him a small smile.
"I admit that I didn't think before I said yes to you," kumunot ang kaniyang noo. "Maybe napadala lang ako sa sakit na dinulot ni Drix sa 'kin noon kaya ako napasagot dahil gusto ko maghiganti sa kaniya-"
"Ba't mo 'to sinasabi ngayon?" He cut me off and shoved my hand on his. "Ano 'to Sam? Laro lang?"
"No, the way I said that you made me happy in every bonding we did is true, but it's me who's not happy with this," napa-awang ang kaniyang labi. "And you don't deserve to be with me who's just a mess at everything."
"Sam..." tawag niya niya, "Did you ever love me?" May tumakas sa luha galing sa kaniyang mata
My lips parted not in shock. I wanted to say something but then, there's no words coming out.
Cylo...
"Siguro alam ko na ang sagot," he smiled weakly. "Bakit ka pa lapit ng lapit sa 'kin? Akala ko pa ba mahal mo 'ko but then reality really slapped me so hard that all of it was just a thought." Napatingin siya sa itaas at pinipigilan ang luhang babagsak. "Just a fucking thought."
"I-I love you, but," I paused as my voice broke. "It doesn't match the way you love me." It tore my heart to say that to him. "And I'm...sorry."
"Tangina..." tumalikod siya tinakpan ang mukha ng kaniyang mga palad. "Sam... please umalis ka na."
"I will," he quickly looked at me from behind. "I'll leave for your peace and lastly," I looked at my hand where the ring is and I slowly removed the ring with my trembling hands.
"You made me happy." I said and tear escaped as I placed the ring on the side table and faced him.
"Find the girl that'll love you the more you deserved to be love, Cylo, till here then." Dahan-dahan akong tumalikod at lumabas na sa kaniyang kuwarto. Lumakas ang paghikbi ko nang hawakan ko ang mga baggaheng dala ko at tiningnan ang bahay bago ako pumasok sa taxi.
"Good bye Cylo, I'm sorry for everything." I closed the door of the taxi and tears started pooling down on my cheeks.
You'll find the one who's best for you, Cylo, and I'll thank her for loving you like how much you love me.
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