"CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?"
Evan took out two vanilla pudding cups.
"It's a tough choice," I said half-jokingly. "Chocolate has a certain richness to it while vanilla is more light and creamy."
"It's not the Bachelor, Jules." He handed me one of the vanilla cups before giving me a gentle nudge toward the cash register. "You're still indecisive as ever."
I resented that. "What's wrong with thinking over my options?"
"I could change my mind," I argued. "Or my tastes."
As I reached for my wallet, Evan was already getting change for his twenty without missing a beat. He had paid for me yet again. "Have you really changed that much?"
That was a good question.
Evan lead us to one of the empty tables. "Same haircut, same smile, same laugh, and same favorite flavor. I'd love to hear you enlighten me about the past 5 years."
There wasn't much to say. I had worked, worked out, hung out with friends now and then, avoided home, and bought a new portrait to hang in my office last week. My life wasn't the most exciting thing in the world, but it was better the constant hum of drama that I was being bombarded with the past month.
I ripped off the pudding lid with ease. "You first."
"What do you want to know? I'm an open book," Evan said.
Well, that was just a can of worms.
"Why'd you come back?" I asked hesitantly. "You couldn't get out of New York fast enough once we graduated. No goodbye. No email. No word from you, and I know we broke up but didn't that time mean anything to you, Evan?"
"I know..." he sighed. "I don't know actually. I thought there was nothing for me here anymore. I was set on traveling the world, and for a while, that's all I did. Thailand, Malaysia, Tibet, Vietnam, you name it, I had that on my bucket list."
"What changed?" I was more curious than I wanted to admit.
His eyes bore into mine. "What's so great about having the world and no one to share it with?"
I snorted. "I doubt you had any trouble finding a travel companion."
Evan was popular. You would have to be blind not to notice. Wherever he went, he drew people in like moths to a lantern. He was a bright star that you couldn't get too close to or you'd get burned. I learned that the hard way.
"I got your letters," he said.
There was a pause between us.
"I'm sorry." Evan crumpled the napkin in his hand.
I placed my hand over his wrist. "It's fine. Honestly, I'm more embarrassed than anything else."
I had written Evan four letters over the course of our break up. The first one had detailed how much I loved him. It was a letter fresh from my break up blues with so many flowery adjectives it could have been its own botanical garden. The second one was a compromise. I had hashed out a list of the issues that we could work through, and what I was willing to do to make amends to our relationship. The third one had been a little petty. A letter that proudly proclaimed that I, Julie Ann Carson, would not be waiting for him to return home back to me. I had more self-respect than that and he was more burden than boyfriend while we were dating.
The fourth one was succinct: an apology.
"Do you ever wonder about what would have happened if I had stayed, Jules? Does that ever cross your mind?" he asked, catching me off-guard as I tried to lick off the lid of the pudding cup. "Do I ever cross your mind?"
Of course, I thought of Evan from time to time. When his book was released, I begrudgingly bought myself a pre-ordered copy to show my support. When I ate pepperoni pizza from Gino's I remembered the time Evan inhaled too much red pepper and sneezed all over the pie. He was my first love. I thought of him.
"I try not to think about that too much," I said honestly. "At first...that was all I could think about: you. You and why you left and how it was my fault. I'll spare you the details, it wasn't pretty. Rehashing it makes me a little emotional, I'll admit, but what happened between us is over now, isn't it?"
I was going to assure Evan I could remain as professional as possible. I didn't want him to think I couldn't handle being his literary agent. It would be awkward at times, sure, but I had agreed to the job. I could either be a wimp and whine about it or I could do my best to make Evan's next book, whichever one he chose it to be, be a hit. That was what I did.
"You were embarrassed by me, weren't you?"
I looked up at him. "What?"
"It was before spring break of our senior year." He pushed up the rolled sleeves of his fitted button down. "I heard you on the phone call with your mom. I didn't mean to...I was there to drop off the books you lent me, and you told her there was no one in your life. Two years of friendship and two years together, and I don't even get a mention?"
"That's not fair," I remembered that conversation. "You know my mom is overwhelming. She doesn't like any guys she doesn't handpick from the tree herself. I don't get a say in anything in my life without her ridicule, Evan. I told you that, and it's not fair for you to bring it up now for me to explain."
"So, when would you have told her then?" he asked sharply. "After we got married? After our first kid? When would I have been good enough for your mom? When would I have been good enough for you?"
I didn't have to sit here and take this. "Lucky for me, you left before any of that could happen." I grabbed my things and headed for the door. I could wait for Ethan somewhere else.
His words had stung. Was it true? Did I have a complex about Evan?
It wasn't fair. I was barely back into my mother's good graces after three and a half long years of slowing thawing her coldness with my good grades and stellar job opportunities. Did it matter if I told her whether I was dating or not? It wasn't like she had a say about what I could do all the way from Alabama.
He was the one who didn't even let me explain.
"Jules! Wait!" Evan had caught up to me.
I was half-tempted to continue storming away but I had lost steam. I wasn't an angry person by nature. "You don't understand the pressure I was going through. That I've lived my life by. That I still live my life by. Do you think it was easy for me to risk everything by moving to New York? The fact that my mom even acknowledged my existence after everything was already a miracle."
He pulled me into an embrace. "I'm sorry, Jules. I know. I'm sorry."
Evan was a great writer. He was intelligent, sophisticated, and charming. He was always the spotlight of every conversation and lecture. His family was always so warm and supportive of his choices. No one ever doubted his ability. It always jarred me how different we were in that aspect.
I just couldn't tell my mother that I was dating someone she would have rejected on the spot. There would be no discussion: break up or get iced out again or be a liar and live a double life. I had chosen to avoid the topic of Evan out of fear. I had gone against her once and suffered a long time for it, and in the end, I was a girl who wanted her mother's approval for the boy she brought home.
"You were right."
I was young and stupid.
I had been a kid trying to be an adult.
"But..." I shifted away from him. "That wasn't why we ended."
There were so many layers: the insecurities, the lies, the heartbreak, and the shame had blended seamlessly into one blob. I had forgotten so much of it already, but a dull pain still throbbed in my chest whenever Evan came to my mind.
We were inches apart from each other.
"I asked you..." I took a deep breath. "I asked you if your career would always come first when it came to us. It's not like I didn't want you to get published or travel the world, but I wanted to know where I stood in your life. You told me not to worry. You told me that there was nothing you cared about more than me. You even got me a freaking ring, Evan."
Tears welled in my eyes. "Then you left the first chance you got."
Evan balled his fists. "I did what was best for us."
I shook my head. "You did what was best for you."
There it was: the ugly truth. It was why I was too scared to follow Ethan to California. I had been heaped promises before. I knew if I didn't let Ethan go he would resent me forever, but I also knew if I went, the fear would have eaten at me. It was true, I wanted to stay in New York. I had worked so hard to make a name for myself and find a career I loved in a city my dad had carved his name into. This was my home.
Was it so bad to want to stay?
Evan looked like he had something to say.
"What? Are you speechless over the fact that I'm right?" I asked.
"Yoona told me to take the job."
I licked my lips. "What?"
"She made me promise not to tell you." He shook his head. "I asked her what I should do. I meant what I said, Jules. I loved you like crazy. I wanted to be with you and bring you to Hong Kong with me. She told me it would be best if I left, and I listened to her. I regret it. I regretted it so much, I couldn't even come near New York because I couldn't bare the thought of facing you."
"That's not true." Yoona wouldn't do that to me.
She knew how much I hated when people made choices for me.
My mom played that game all too well.
Yoona wouldn't have done that to me.
"I shouldn't have said anything," he whispered. "I'm sorry."
"Stop lying!" my voice rose an octave. Some patients passing by looked in our direction. "Why would you listen to her? Why would she tell you to leave?"
I was confused. What did Yoona have against us all those years ago?
It wasn't like I needed Yoona on board with my life choices, but whenever she didn't like something she would always be open about it.
He took a step backward. "I shouldn't talk about this anymore. I'm really sorry I brought this up. Forget it, Jules. I'm the one who chose to leave. Don't get mad at her. I'm sure she just wanted the best for you."
That triggered me.
Why did everyone think they knew the best for me?
"You know Yoona doesn't have bad intentions," Evan said.
I thought I knew Yoona. We had been friends for over a decade now.
This was a lot of news to process.
"You should go," I told him. "You should check on Caroline."
"Are you okay?"
I sighed. "I've had better days."
I was extremely upset, but it wasn't Evan's fault.
It wasn't Yoona's either really.
I was upset at myself for getting so riled up about something that happened so long ago. I wasn't going to jump to conclusions suddenly. Yoona was my best friend. She had to have her reasons. I would ask her another time. Right now there was too much on my mind.
Evan didn't leave yet. "Jules, I think we were brought back together for a reason. I don't know why, but it means something to me that you're here. The second you entered my life, I knew it would be different, and that feeling has never changed."
I was taken aback by Evan's bold declaration. It wasn't directly a confession, but it sounded a lot more loaded than just colleagues or friends or ex-anythings should say to each other. I couldn't even process how I felt.
"What's so great about me?" I asked.
I had to ask. It wasn't to boost my ego. It wasn't to get some sort of revenge on Evan as if to say 'look at what you missed out on'. It was simply a question on my mind. I wasn't anyone to look twice at.
Evan's eyes looked into mine. I felt vulnerable in his gaze. "It's not about what's so great about you."
"What does that mean?" I looked away.
He opened his mouth to speak. "You have the book. The one Mr. Petras gave to you. Read it."
I paused. The book I had skimmed over? The one in an ode to his ex-girlfriend? Did that mean it was about me or based about me at least?
"Evan..."
"I know it's complicated. It always is when it comes to anything worth fighting for in life, and I'm not saying let's start dating again and get married. I'm saying think about it. I'm saying give me a second thought," he said firmly before turning on his heel and leaving.
I felt out of breath.
I wasn't ready for that.
My heart was leaping out of my chest.
How could this be happening?