Risk? It's not in my vocabulary. May ilan, alam kong mag-papasaya talaga sakin pero hindi ko ginawa.. hindi ko sinubukan. I always play safe in everything. I'm so afraid of taking risks kasi sobrang daming pwedeng consequences.. isang gabi na mag-saya ako o sumama sa mga kaibigan ko at hindi mag-aral pede akong bumagsak..
All my life.. naka-focus lang ako sa pag-aaral. Mag-sasaya lamang ako kapag nakapag-aral na ako o tapos na ang exams. My classmates told me I was so uptight.. sila, kahit nabagsak nakakatawa pa din pero hindi ako.. I've been working so much to get good grades. Yong papasa sa standard ko.
Hindi naman ako pine pressure ng parents ko.. They're very understanding.. pero lumaki kasi akong lahat ng kapatid ko magagaling, matatalino.. nakikita ko kung paano nila napapasaya sila Mommy tapos kapag ganon dinedate sila ng parents ko sa labas.. so I grew up thinking na kapag naging kasing galing ko sila kuya at ate mas makakasama ko siguro sina Mommy ng matagal..
Malaki na ako pero old habits die hard, I guess. Kahit alam ko na hindi naman sa grades ko naka-base ang oras ng parents ko hanggang ngayon sobrang taas pa din ng expectation ko sa mga ginagawa ko. Sa sarili ko mismo.
That's why I was so devastated when I got my grades. Tatlong subject ko ang hindi pumasok sa standard ko. Pasa naman.. pero sobrang nakaka-panlumo padin. I was aiming for 90 so I can get exemption pero wala.. puro 85, 87, 88. Mataas na para sa iba pero kulang padin sakin.. no one understand why I always get so down e maganda naman daw nakukuha ko. It's just so hard to explain it to people kaya hinahayaan ko nalang sila husgahan ang pagiging 'grade conscious' ko.
I heaved a sigh as I closed my eyes. Fighting myself not to shed even a single tear. Ang daming bagay kong hindi inuuna para makakuha ng grades na gusto ko tapos in the end kulang padin.. yong ibang kaklase ko na nakakapag bar sila pa nakakuha ng 90 plus..
I am so tired, the kind of tired na hindi kaya solusyonan ng tulog .. it took me just a couple of seconds before I found my shoulder slightly shaking from crying.. agad kong pinunasan ang luha ko pero sunod sunod ang pagpatak.
Guard, I hate breaking down! Mas nararamdaman kong pagod na pagod na ako.
Niyakap ko ang sarili ko habang umiiyak, burying my face on my knees. Napatigil lang ako sa pag-iyak nang may umupo sa tabi ko. Agad kong pinunasan ang mukha ko bago tinignan ang tumabi sakin.
Bakit ba lagi siyang sumusulpot?
"Why are you here?"
He smiled, "Wala ka sa coffee shop, e."
"So?"
"Ansel told me. Pati yong lugar na pinupuntahan mo kapag ganito."
Hindi ako agad naka-imik. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin habang pilit kinakalma ang sarili ko. Gusto ko pang umiyak, ilabas lahat ng pagod at sama ng loob ko pero pinaka ayokong may nakakakita sakin. Napaka wrong timing niya! Kainis.
"I want to be alone."
"You are fighting your battles alone, Chandy pero pede naman siguro kitang samahan kapag tapos ka'na lumaban dba? Pede kang umiyak sakin."
"Ayoko nga sabi."
Matigas kong sagot pero naiipon na ang mga luha sa mata ko. Because it was true.. after fighting every battle alone, people still seek for a companion.. but I am not used of having someone.. my friends always gives me 'self-time' everytime I am down.. for so many years it was what I thought I needed until someone offered a shoulder..
"Tatalikod ako. Hindi na kita kita." Malumanay niyang sagot habang tumatalikod sakin.
Napatingin ako sa likod niya. He has a broad shoulder, his scent was so inviting and his presence even made me more vulnerable..
Without further ado my tears started pouring again.. I am trying to be as quiet as possible but my heavy breathing and sniff didn't help at all. Nang matapos ako humarap na ulit siya. Malamlam ang mga mata at nakangiti.
There's no pity in his eyes.. it was a big relief.
"Okay na?"
I nodded as I sniff again looking straight at the hospital in front. I always come here everytime I feel so deadly tired.. mentally, emotionally and physically.. pag kasi nakikita ko yong mga lumalabas na doctor namo-motivate ako ulit after crying my eyes out.
Napasinghot ulit ako. Shit, I forgot my hanky, kahit tissue wala.. gusto niya tumulo! Ngayon pa talaga kung kailan andito siya! Suminghot ulit ako.
"Singa mo nga,"
I rolled my eyes at him before turning my face to my left para di niya makita mukha ko! Shems, gusto na lumabas ng sipon ko! Ugh! Nakakawala ng poise!
"Wala ka bang panyo?" he asked nang mapasinghot ulit ako, umiling lamang ako. Begging my nose to just close para walang lumabas! Kung wala siya dito ang dali mag-pahid sa damit e! Hindi sana ako nai-stress ng ganito katindi agad. Saan ako sisinga?
"Lika nga," bigla niyang hinawakan ang balikat ko at hinarap ako sa kanya. My face remained nonchalant pero hiyang hiya na ako!
"Ano ba?!"
"Singa mo dito," then he offered his shirt!
Napaamang ako sa kanya. My eyes drop to the hem of his shirt na inangat niya sakin then back to his face. Is he serious?!
"Malinis to,"
"Ayoko!"
Jusko! Tutulo na sipon ko kakasagot sa kanya! Nakakairita naman. Bakit ba kailangan mangyare to ngayon?
"Dali na, lalabhan nadin to kesa jan sa uniform mo puti yan."
Nahihirapan ako sumagot agad kasi gustong gusto na talaga lumabas ng sipon ko, kapag sinisinghot ko parang malulunok ko na! Babaho hininga ko neto e!
Umiling lang ako. Papatayin talaga ako ng pride ko.
Tatayo na sana ako ng hilahin niya ulit ako paupo, marahan lang pero agad niyang inangat ng mataas yong shirt niya at inilapit sa ilong ko! Nakakainis talaga! Gusto ko na lamang lumubog!
Tapos he's urging me na suminga, like super supportive niya sa pag-papalabas ng sipon ko! It was so epic!
"Push mo na!"
I don't know if he just made a joke kasi parang seryoso siyang mapasinga ako pero may kumawalang tawa sa labi ko. Nakakainis! Tinalikod ko siya agad bago suminga sa likod ng shirt niya.. sa dulo of course!
Nang matapos ako at humarap siya nagpipigil na agad siya ng tawa.
"Don't. Lunukin mo tawa mo."
But he still did! Happy na happy talaga siya kapag may mga ganitong kahihiyan sa buhay ko e!
"Cute mo," he said as he pinched my cheeks pero parehas kaming natigilan saglit and before it becomes awkward pinalis ko na agad ang kamay niya.
"Stop pinching my cheeks! Crush mo ba ako?"
Huli na bago ko mapigilan ang dila ko. It just came out of my mouth! I feigned nonchalance as I straightened my back. Nakita ko siyang parang tanga na naman na ngiting ngiti.
Nang makita kong bubuka na ang bibig niya agad ko yong tinakpan. His eyes widened.
"Don't. Wag mong sasagutin yon, okay?"
His eyes glimmered again.. I can feel him smiling against my hands ang hindi ko in-expect ay nang kagatin niya ang kamay ko! Marahan lang pero kahit na, agad ko siyang pinalo.
"Kadiri ka, yong laway mo." I said in calm yet irritated tone.
He throw his head back as he laughed. "Siningahan mo nga damit ko e."
"Because you insist."
"Ikaw mag-laba neto."
"Fine."
"Joke."
"No. Ako mag-lalaba."
"Joke nga lang."
"Bata ka ba? Bakit ka joke ng joke?"
"Hindi bawal mag-joke, doc." He answered with a teasing smile.
"Tsk. Give me your shirt, lalabhan ko."
"Sus, gusto mo lang arborin e. Iyo na."
"Saksak mo down your throat."
Tumawa na naman siya ng malakas.. if he's just a normal person in my life I'll be annoyed by now but he's not.. hearing him laugh is like an addiction.. I want to hear more of it.. It was so contagious.. unti unti nadin ako napapatawa.
"Conyo mo doc!"
"Whatever." I answered, a chuckle escaping my lips.
"Aren't you gonna judge me?" I asked after a couple minutes of silence.
Tumaas ang kilay niya sakin. Napasimangot. "Sa?"
"For crying over grades." Because most people does..
"Why would I laugh at someone's pain? Iniiyakan mo yan kasi mahalaga sayo , dba? Hayaan mo sila kung hindi ka nila maintindihan, hindi mo kailangan ipaliwanag nararamdaman mo."
I only smiled.. gusto kong mag-pasalamat pero hindi ko din naman kaya sabihin.
"Pero alam mo din naman siguro na hindi naka-base sa grades ang halaga mo, dba?"
Tumango ako. I am hard on myself but I still know my worth..
"Good." He said looking front.
Nag-iwas ako ng tanong bago nag-salita, "Ikaw.. how's your day?"
I can feel my heart beating loudly. It was my first time to ask someone-not my relative-on how their day goes.. I felt him looking.
"Ayos lang. Ngalay."
"Why?"
"Sa recit, daming tanong ni Attorney."
"Maybe your answer was wrong."
"Oy, judger ka talaga no? Talino to." He said pointing at his head. Nailing nalang ako. "Hindi ka naniniwala?"
I squinted my eyes. Bigla niyang nilabas yong phone niya, nag-type.. I watched how his furrowed brows eased as he broke into smile.
Pinakita niya sakin ang phone niya.. parang may kung anong bumara sa dibdib ko nang makita kung sino ang ka-chat niya sa telegram.
Hurricane: sino best sa recit lagi?
Barboyq: wag moko yabangan ngayon delubyo!
Hurricane: HAHA! Sino nga?
Barboyq: Papakita mo'to sa chix mo? Lol. Fine, ikaw.
"Ano? Naniniwala ka'na?" he asked with a big smile.
I cleared my throat as I looked away. Suddenly getting annoyed! Really? Kailan pa nauna emotion ko kesa sa isip? Tsk.
But why Barboyq? Barb ko? Tss, corny.
My brow arched nang mapansin kong nag-labas siya ng helium balloon. Obviously, hindi pa siya napapalobo.
"What's that for?"
"Watch," he wiggled his brows, feeling ko katangahan lang ang gagawin niya but still I waited.
Nilagay niya sa bibig niya ang balloon and started inhaling it, his eyes were on me, wiggling his brows. Fudge! Alam ba niya ang ginagawa niya?
"What the.. stop it. It's dangerous." I gritted.
Pero umiling lamang siya bago inalis ang balloon sa bibig niya then he started singing, "You're my Honeybunch, sugarplum, pumpy-umpy-umpkin---" oh guard. Biglang lumiit yong boses niya na parang sa chipmunks! It was so funny! Hindi ko mapigilan hindi mapatawa, "You're my Sweetie Pie--"
"What's wrong?" I asked when he stopped at napahawak sa sentido niya, "Hurricane.."
"I.. I.."
I--what?!
My eyes widened nang biglang umikot ang mata ni Cane at bumagsak sa lupa--What the freaking hell?! Oh my gosh! Did he just---He passed out! Oh goodness!
"Hurricane, oh gosh. Ang tanga tanga mo."
I can't help but to face palm, hindi ko alam kung matatawa ba ako o mai-stress sa nangyayare! Oh gosh, of course he'll pass out.. it can cause suffocation! Ang tanga.
**
"Please stop laughing," Hurricane pleaded for the nth time.
Gosh! I am always in control with my emotion but he was just so epic! Hindi naman nag-tagal nagkamalay na ulit siya and hindi nadin ako natigil sa pag-tawa because really, that's so stupid! Sobrang tanga talaga. Nakakahiya pero sobrang funny!
"I can't help it," I answered, shedding some tears from laughing so hard.
Napakalma lamang ako nang mapansin na naka-ngiti na siya habang nakatingin sakin.
"What?" I asked as I shifted back from my normal state.
He shrugged, "Sakit ng ulo ko." he said before looking away. "Oy, tara don."
He looked at me before grabbing me papunta sa isang balot vendor. Pero agad akong umiling. Mukhang alam na niya kung bakit.
"Subukan mo lang, masarap promise." He said.
Napatingin ako sa balot. I eat street foods but never balot.. nalalansahan ako sa amoy. And, sisiw? I already feel so sorry for the chick!
"Try mo lang, di ka mag-sisisi." He said bago hipan yong balot na nasa loob ng dyaryo dahil mainit.
"Onga doc, masarap po mga balot ko." Pag-encourage pa ni Manong vendor.
I heaved a sigh, "Isa lang, okay?"
He smiled bago tumango. Agad niyang kinuha sa loob ng dyaryo ang balot at tinuktok sa noo ko! "Hurricane." Saway ko pero parang wala lang sa kanya. Binutas niya yong shell bago inabot sakin, nakabalot na ulit sa dyaryo.
"Sabaw muna, parang ganto."
He demonstrated how to eat it properly. Sinundan ko lang.. I almost cursed myself ng mabitin sa sabaw! What the hell?! Bakit naubos agad? Hindi ko pinahalata ang pagka-bitin ko at nilagyan lang din ng suka nang mag-lagay siya. Then he sipped on it again. Guard, bakit ang complicated kainin neto?
"Sarap dba?"
"Yeah."
"Pag kakain kang balot maaalala mo ako."
"Then I'll never eat one again."
He frowned but I know better, it's just an act. Tss.
Nang matapos kami inaya niya ako sa loob ng isang fast food chain para lang mag-hugas ng kamay! Hindi ko alam bakit sumusunod lang ako sa mga pinag-iisip niya. How convenient nga naman ng mga fast-food.
Nahiya pa ako sa isang crew nang tignan kami hanggang makalabas.. he obviously think ang kapal ng mukha namin for using their handsoap and water pero hindi um-order!
Pero napa-iling nalang ako.
I have so many first time tonight..
I bit my lower lip, remembering everything that had happened especially when he passed out. Gosh, hanggang kamatayan ko maaalala ko ang araw na'to. It was so funny!
I glanced at him.. appreciating everything he has done tonight. He.. he comforted me.
"Did you also bring the girl you like here to eat balot?" I tried to sound as nonchalant as I could but I know I failed because in the first place the Chandrella we all knew--yes including my own self--never asked such questions..
I caught him smiling.
"Gusto mo talaga malaman?"
There's something with the way he asked that excites at the same time bothered me. Do I really want to know the answer?
"No."
"Sige."
We continued walking papunta sa kotse ko. "Hatid na kita."
He laughed, "Line ng lalaki yan,"
"Sexist."
Tahimik lamang kami the whole ride, I don't know if he's thinking about the same thing.. about that question. But I am glad hindi na siya umimik.
I caught myself in the rearview mirror.. smiling like a dumb bitch. This is bad.
Alipin played on the car's radio. I don't know but the lyrics alone suddenly made the atmosphere awkward. Buti nalang hindi ganon kalayo ang condo nila ni Cyclone.
"Pero.. pano pag gusto ko sabihin?" he asked nang tumigil ako sa harap ng condo building.
Sana ay iyong naririnig
Sayong yakap ako'y nasasabik
Pagka't ikaw lag ang nais makatai
Malamig man o mainit ang gabib
"Ang?"
Nais ko sanang iparating
Na ikaw lamang
Ang siyang aking iibigin
"Kung sinong gusto ko.."
I blinked.. what the..
"Makikinig ka?"
I look in his eyes.. agad siyang umiwas.. madilim pero dahil sa liwanag sa labas at sa ilaw ng roof ng kotse kitang kita ko ang pamumula niya..
"Hurricane.."
"Fuck, I'm taking so much risk." He muttered under his breath.. mabilis pero naintindihan ko. Then he looked at me with bravery, "Gusto kita."