The rest of my week was well, eventful. Let's just say that Alli was not happy when she found out about my little encounter with Austin. I tried to hide it from her, but the girl does better research than the FBI. She knows anything and everything.
She ran a hand through her purple hair, glaring at me from across my room. "Jordan! You cannot do that to someone you just met. Ugh, this is literally ridiculous."
"Ridiculous? He wouldn't leave me alone! He was like some kind of leech!" I argued. She just shook her head at me.
"Look, I know Calc is your worst subject and all, but Austin is just one of those happy-go-lucky people. He just wants to make friends so he doesn't have to walk the halls alone. We've all had to do that once. It's not fun, Jord."
I shook my head. Nope. I was not going to be friends with him. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. I practically scarred him for life when I whisper-screamed at him. Trust me, if we hadn't been in class, I would've actually screamed. I just can't stand it when people are so persistent like that. It's stupid. Just leave it alone. I shouldn't have to yell at someone like that to get it through to them that I'm not in the mood.
With a sigh, she walked over to me and sat down.
"What now?" I grumbled.
"Jordan. You may not have the best relationship with boys, but he's a really nice guy. If you just treat him like a normal person, you could at least be friends." She stuck out her lower lip, pouting at me. Okay, now this is ridiculous.
I got up and opened my door. "No." I stated flatly, storming out of my room.
"Alright, alright, fine! Then just do one thing for me!" When I ignored her, she ran up to me and grabbed my hand. "Apologize."
"Me? Apologize?"
"Yes."
"Hell no!"
"Hell yes!"
"If you can get that dumbass to leave me alone, then fine. He's tried to apologize to me about forty times this week. My head's going to explode!" I ran a hand down my face, turning away from her and yanking my hand out of her grasp so I could go downstairs.
She followed me down the stairs, her voice going straight from annoyed to pleading.
"Please, Jordan! He's a nice guy, I promise. He at least deserves a rare Jordan Miller apology." Rare? I quirked an eyebrow at her, and she shrugged. "They are pretty rare."
"If I say yes, will you go away?" She nodded. "Then fine. Now go away." I went into the kitchen, but after a moment, I turned around to see her standing in the archway. "What?"
"Can I stay for a little while? I don't get TLC at home."
I rolled my eyes. "Are you serious? You want to stay at my house so you can watch Dance Moms?"
"If we could afford it, I'd be watching Dance Moms in my own bed right now."
"I'll be there in a minute; you're lucky I love you." I shooed her away while I got a tub of ice cream out. As I was making my way through the living room, I noticed my reflection in the hallway mirror over to the right. Ugly.
I shook my head, plopping down on the couch with Alli.
We watched a few hours of Dance Moms before Alli got a message from her mom asking her to come home for dinner. She thanked me for letting her stay over, and I told her that it was no problem, as long as she didn't chew me out every time she came. She rolled her eyes at that.
"Just apologize." She chuckled as she walked out the door.
Could I apologize? I wasn't so sure. I'm absolutely horrible at talking to guys...and my history with them doesn't help. I stood there, in the hallway, with my phone in a death grip. Alli practically shoved Austin's number at me. Each breath I took was shaky. I wasn't sure if I could manage to calm down enough to send a text. However, I promised Alli I would. I could at least apologize, right? That couldn't be so hard.
On the other hand, if I did text him, my number would be saved in his phone. Possibly forever. I really didn't want him to have my number saved.
Was I just being a whiny bitch? Or was I just being a coward?
Before I could change my mind, I quickly unlocked my phone and texted Austin.
Hey, sorry for being such a bitch. I was rude. - Jordan
Within a few minutes, he had responded.
Oh, you're alright. I guess I'm just an overly-happy person. Too much for you, huh?
I rolled my eyes. Holy cow, I was actually talking to a guy. A real guy. And I didn't think I was doing too bad.
At least you'll admit it...
It didn't take long for the conversation to pick up a bit. I was typing a reply to Austin when my parents walked in.
"Hey sweetie. Sorry, we were hanging out with some friends. I didn't know if you knew or not because you didn't respond to my message." My mom hugged me from behind and kissed my hair.
"It's fine. I saw it, promise." I smiled at her while I hopped off the couch. "I'm gonna go upstairs, love you guys."
"Have fun." My dad waved at me. I rolled my eyes in response as I went up to my room.
"We'll be leaving again soon, and won't be back until early morning!" My mom called up after me. I made a small noise of approval.
Oddly enough, Austin and I were talking about what happened the day we met. He seemed to think it was hilarious. Me, not so much. I swear, if he makes fun of me throughout this whole "friendship" thing, I'm dropping him.
A: You were livid. Like, I was scared to even get close to you. You're scary as hell, Jordan!
J: Oh, shut up! It wasn't that bad.
A: Yes it was. Haha. Third graders would be running.
J: You do know why I apologized, right?
A: Because I'm awesome and you think I'd be a great friend?
J: No, loser. Alli practically begged me to.
A: I know. She told me, loser.
J: Don't call me a loser. Loser.
A: I'll call you a loser if I want, loser!
J: Loser!
A: Loser, loser, loser, loser.
J: You're annoying, you know that?
A: Thanks.
Although the conversation seemed to be going alright, I was still freaking out a bit. I told him I had to go before crawling into bed and sending a quick text to Alli. Someone was going to be very happy. She's lucky we've been friends for years.
Ayee. I apologized to the loser. We're acquaintances now.
I swear I could see her eyes rolling through her text.
"Acquaintances"? You scared to call him a friend? And I know already, he sent me a couple screenshots. Said he "tamed the beast". BTW, you're both losers. Losers.
I groaned. Of course, he was sending her screenshots. No matter how nice the conversation went, I refused to be called his "friend". I wasn't going to be friends with any guy. Even if they brought me flowers, hit on me 24/7, or even bought me a Husky. And I love Huskies.
When he wasn't annoying me to all hell, Austin actually seemed like an okay person to talk to. He still annoyed me a bit with the whole "loser" thing, though. I seriously hope that's not going to be our new nicknames. Well, I'd be happy calling him a loser, but I'm not sure about being called one in return. Let's just hope he doesn't pull any more stunts in math, otherwise I'll be hitting rock bottom soon.
It was a while later before he texted me again. I had already showered, put on pajamas, and turned on some music to listen to before I passed out. Just as I got comfortable, my phone buzzed. Seriously?
Hey, are you still up?
Slowly, I put my phone back on my nightstand. I wasn't ready for those long night chats yet. I shut my eyes tightly and told myself over and over again that he wasn't a bad guy. He actually seemed pretty cool.
No matter what I did, it seemed like my subconscious would always yell "Warning, asshole!" at me. My breathing went back to the erratic state it was in earlier when I had just started texting Austin. Even though I really wanted to text him back, I was terrified. What if he turns out to be like Hunter? Or even Nolan? Shit, don't think about them. A lump formed in my throat, and I had to struggle not to cry. I was so, so stupid.
How could I let them push me around like that?
What the hell was I thinking?
Was I drugged or something?
Without warning, tears started pouring out of my eyes. I was so sick of being treated like such a...toy. Why did everyone hate me so much? I was physically shaking as I pushed my bed covers aside.
Taking it slow, I lightly put each of my feet on the floor. My teeth dug into my bottom lip as I glanced at the bathroom. I stood up, shuffling over to the door. My mind screamed at me. Screeched at me, "Don't do it, don't do it!". My hand had just touched the doorknob when my phone started playing someone's ringtone.
Not just anyone's ringtone, but Luci's ringtone.
Her voice popped into my head.
You. Call. Me. Got it?
Would she settle for me answering her call?
I was still shaking a little bit as I trudged back over to my phone, putting it to my ear.
"Hey, Luci." I tried to make it as clear as possible, but my voice broke right at the end. I almost had it. Almost. So, so close.
I tried to quiet my sobs, but she seemed to hear them because there was concern evident in her tone. "Are you alright, Jord?"
I took a deep breath. "Peachy keen."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, uh-" Without warning, my whole body started shaking violently. I couldn't control my sobs. My mind started to spiral into a very deep, dark place that I didn't think anyone could pull me out of. I could hear a faint scream in the background as images flashed through my mind. Oh God, please not now. I sank to my knees in the middle of my bedroom floor. It took me a while to realize that the screaming was Luci, trying to get my attention.
"Jordan! Holy hell, Jordan! Answer me!"
"I-I'm r-right here." I stuttered.
Her voice turned frantic. "Don't you fucking move an inch. I will be there in five minutes. Five. Minutes. You'll be fine, sweetheart, don't worry. You'll be just fine." Even with the curse word and her stumbling over her words, it still sounded like she was cooing at me as she got into her car. "I love you, stay strong." She cooed as she hung up. My hand was shaking so much that my phone just slipped out of my grasp and landed a few feet away from me.
I curled up into the fetal position, staring blankly at the wall while vivid images ran through my mind. It was like they were on replay, just for me.
Nolan brought me flowers for Valentine's Day. He even got me my favorite ice cream, too.
That same night, he screamed at me when I tried to tell him that I wanted to hang out with my friends that night instead of him.
A few weeks later, Hunter was yanking me out of his grasp. I stared up at him with a confused look on my face. After checking to make sure that I was alright, he turned to Nolan.
"What the fucking hell is wrong with you? Does beating girls get you excited?" He snarled.
It didn't take long for him to hate me, just like Nolan did.
"I just felt sorry for you. It was so pathetic, you letting him push you around all the time."
I screamed at the top of my lungs. It felt like a weight was being lifted off my chest, so I screamed some more. I swore at the top of my lungs and clutched my arms so tight that I drew blood.
I don't think it had even been five minutes before I heard footsteps stumbling up the stairs and heading to my room. My door was yanked open. I whimpered at the light, twisting away from it. Luci ran to my side and dropped to her knees.
"Shh, shh. You're alright Jordan. I'm here." She tried to pull me up into a hug, but I flinched away from her. Fresh tears were rolling down my cheeks.
"I was so stupid." My body started to shake even more as sobs echoed throughout it. "I need it-"
"What? Need what?"
"The r-r-razor, please-"
"No, Jordan. Shhh. Jordan, come here!" She had to yank me up into her arms, where I buried my head in her shoulder. Her hand rubbed sooting circles on my back. "Jordan..."
I sniffled, and peeked at her from behind my hair.
"I think you need to see someone."
I tore myself away from her. "Please, no. No, no, no. Don't make me. Please, Luci, please."
"You have to, Jordan. I promise it'll help. You'll be all better." She was back to using her cooing voice again, and I was stuck inbetween crawling back towards her and making a mad dash for the bathroom. My body slowly started to calm down, but my mind was still reeling with images of Nolan and Hunter. "You'll be all better." She cooed again.
After a moment of hesitation, I slowly crawled back over to her. She welcomed me back with open arms. I felt warm. No one had ever treated me like this before. If I ever had a breakdown in front of any of the guys I knew, they'd just leave me in a room to "tough it out". It was silent for a while, before I decided to speak up. My voice was a bit clearer.
"I'm sorry."
She sighed. "For what?"
"It's nearly one in the morning."
"I don't give a shit. You're more important, Jordan."
At least it was one in the morning on a Saturday, I guess. Luci held me for a little while longer, and then stood up, pulling me with her. She had me get in bed while she went downstairs and started tearing apart my kitchen. I could hear the clanking of pots and pans all the way up here.
I picked up my phone, going straight to Fruit Ninja. I liked to slice things when I was upset. That's weird, isn't it?
About thirty minutes later, Luci's tentative brown eyes peeked into my room. She slowly pushed open the door, revealing a tray. There were three bowls on it, and two mugs. Not gonna lie, I was surprised she was able to get upstairs without spilling anything. She flipped her hair out of her face and strolled towards me, giving me the biggest grin.
"What exactly were you doing down there?" I asked. Her grin just got bigger.
"I have cheese popcorn!" She squealed. She set the tray down on my bed, and I noticed that two of the bowls had cheese popcorn in them. The third one was covered, and she gestured for me to take the top off.
I glanced up at her. "You didn't."
"I did."
I giggled, clapping my hands a few times. I probably looked like an excited five year old. But I didn't care. Luci made me chicken Alfredo. Chicken. Alfredo! I was obsessed with the pasta dish; Luci found out by walking in on me practically inhaling a plate in the kitchen when she tried to make a surprise visit once. True story.
I picked up both of the mugs, looking at the brown liquid that was swirling around in them. Hot chocolate. "This better be my fancy caramel hot chocolate." I told her, sticking my tongue out. She nodded. "What? Really?" I immediately brought one of the mugs to my lips, taking a sip. Although it was hot, it still tasted like heaven. I put each mug down on my bedside table so they wouldn't spill. Luci slipped into bed next to me, and grabbed her bowl of popcorn.
"Now, let's watch some Netflix." She grabbed my laptop and starting searching for comedies.
"I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." Luci glanced at me, and when she cleared her throat, I turned to face her. "Hmm?"
"You, uh, mentioned a r-" She started, but I raised my hand.
"I just have to pee, Luci. That's all. Promise." She nodded warily. I crossed my room and went into my bathroom, shutting the door behind me. After doing my business, I went to the mirror and stared at myself. You could tell that I had just had a freak-out moment, but it didn't look too bad.
I called my episodes "freak-out moments". I'd call them panic attacks, but I haven't been diganosed with anxiety or PTSD, so I wasn't going to make them seem like something they weren't.
My mood had definitely improved; Luci showing up and then making me food made it go straight from 'kill me now' to 'I'm doing kind of decent'. Even though I was still shaken up a bit, I couldn't help the small smile that formed on my lips. After realizing that I was probably taking too long, I pulled myself away from the mirror and went back to my bed.
Luci kept glancing at my wrists, so I held them out for her to see. After seeing that there wasn't anything new, she sighed. "Sorry, I was just scared."
"It's fine. It's...it's nice to have someone to talk about it with." I confessed. A small smile played on her lips.
"Good." She said, pulling me into a bear hug.
When I woke up, Luci was still sleeping. She was on her stomach, and her right arm was hanging off the bed. After getting dressed in some jean shorts and a really soft blue long-sleeved t-shirt with a floral print on the sleeves, I pulled on my white Converse. My hair was pulled up into a messy bun.
I was in the middle of fixing some flyaways when my phone started ringing. It was the standard ringtone, not a song, so I knew it probably wasn't anyone I knew. However, when I picked up my phone, I saw Austin's name on the screen.
"Hello?" I answered the phone, sticking it in-between my shoulder and my ear.
"Hey. I need to talk to you." Austin sounded a little annoyed, and I instantly tried to sink into the chair that was in front of my vanity. "It's important."
"Well, go ahead." I breathed.
"I know that we literally just became friends and all, but would it be alright if we...uh, hung out for a while?" My eyebrows shot up. What? Um, that's not supposed to happen. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out an answer--well, sort of blurted out an answer.
"Uh, sure--I'm--no, you know what--just...fine." I mumbled.
"I'm not making a move or anything, Jordan." Austin chuckled. "I just need to get out of here. My brother invited his girlfriend over, and their lovey-dovey shit is really starting to get annoying."
"Oh," A grin made its way onto my face. "then what do you want to do?"
"Do you like carnivals? I heard that there's one about a half hour away from here, and I figured that you'd like it. It'd be fun, and we can get to know each other more." I heard a door closing, and Austin must've started his car because I could hear the engine revving.
By now, I was excited. "I love carnivals!" I squealed. I realized that I was being too loud once Luci shot up out of bed and glared at me. "Oh. Uh, can my friend Luci come along?" I added quickly.
"Sure." He replied. I squealed again. "I just need your address, and I'll be there in a few."
After telling him my address, I ran over to Luci and practically jumped on her. "We're going to a carnival!"
"We?"
"Yeah, we! As in me, you, and Austin." I hopped off of my bed and quickly went over to my makeup. I was done in five minutes, while Luci pulled on some high-waisted white shorts and a semi-baggy pink sweater. She had just finished straightening her hair and applying makeup when the doorbell rang. Shoving her gray Vans on her feet, she raced me to the door.
"This better be the Austin I think you're talking about!" She laughed, literally jumping from the fifth stair to the floor. My mom came out of her room and called out to me.
"Jordan, where are you going? When did Luci get here?" I glanced back at her and smiled.
"I got bored, so Luci came over and we hung out. And we're going to a carnival. We won't be gone long, I promise." I opened the door and was face-to-face with Austin's chest. I forgot that he was so tall. "Hey." I greeted, tilting my head back so I could see his face. He rolled his eyes.
"You're so short." I was about to punch him in the arm, but my mom interrupted me.
"Who's this?" She asked, coming over to us. Luci grinned from ear to ear.
"Jord has a friend. That's a boy. A boy!" She squealed. My mom smiled at Austin.
"I'm Austin." He told her, extending his hand out. She shook it and then turned to me.
"No funny business, you hear me?"
"Mom!" I exclaimed, covering my face with my hands to hide my blush. Austin chuckled. "Let's get going, guys." I said hurriedly, trying and failing to shove my friends out the door. After letting me try and shove against him for a solid minute, Austin rolled his eyes and quickly moved to the side. I nearly fell out onto the porch.
"Oops." He smirked, turning to walk to his car.
"Asshole." I muttered under my breath. My mom just chuckled while she waved to the three of us and shut the door. Luci ran to catch up with me and put her hand on my shoulder.
"You have to admit, that was funny."
"Yeah, maybe for you." I rolled my eyes at her. She smiled, pulling me down the pathway that lead to my driveway. Austin was unlocking the car. We all got in, and it was all going great until the radio started playing.
I mean, it wasn't a bad song, it was just Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. But Luci hates that song.
"No, change it. Please." She said, reaching for the radio from the backseat. Austin slapped her hand away.
"Nobody touches the radio." She tried to argue about it more, but a glare from me shut her up.
"It's a good song."
"Maybe if you're thirty."
"And that is why I sometimes want to beat you senseless." Luci glared at me before crossing her arms and leaning back into the backseat. I sighed and stared out the window. It took me a while to notice that Austin was chuckling. Apparently he thought we were just hilarious.
I quirked an eyebrow at him, and he just kept laughing. I groaned. If he kept laughing like that, he was probably going to wreck and kill us all. After a solid minute of me staring at him with raised eyebrows, he cleared his throat and glanced at me.
"Yes?" All that remained of his fit of laughter was a small smile.
"Are you done now?" He nodded quickly, trying to hide his smile, even though I had already seen it. He was really bad at keeping a straight face. "You realize I can see it, right?"
"See what?"
"That smile!" I exclaimed, smacking his arm. He started chuckling again.
"Hey! I'm driving!"
We fell back into silence, and it got so quiet that I started wondering if Luci had passed out or something. I glanced behind me to see that she was on her phone. She had her eyes narrowed at the screen, and she kept swearing under her breath. Biting back a smile, I realized that she was probably playing Flappy Bird or some other rage-inducing game like that. She played those a lot. I, however, preferred games like Trivia Crack and Words With Friends. If I tried playing those rage games like she did, I'd probably become a mass murderer.
It didn't take us too long to get to the carnival. As we were pulling up, I noticed that there were quite a lot of people there. I tried my best to hide my discomfort, but Luci kept glancing at me. She was checking up on me; she knew I hated big crowds. They made me feel like I was being suffocated.
We were almost to the front entrance when I started to feel like I couldn't breathe. I reached for Luci's hand, and she grasped it firmly in hers. After seeing the look on my face, she pulled me to her side immediately.
"Hey, Austin, we're just gonna go to the bathroom real quick. Okay?" She asked, already heading towards the outdoor bathrooms.
"Alright." He smiled at us, but his smile faltered when he saw me. "You okay?"
I nodded, and Luci picked up her speed. She was weaving in and out of people, and dragging me along with her. If anyone was too close, my chest tightened up and I kept flinching.
Once we made it to the bathrooms, Luci shoved me in a stall and put her hands on my shoulders.
"Inhale."
I inhaled.
"Exhale."
I exhaled. After doing this a few more times, she started to back up, giving me space. She waited for me to stop taking such deep breaths, and then she took me back outside the stall. "Thanks." I murmered, running a hand down my face.
"Are you okay? Do you need a moment?" Luci was taller than me, so she had to bend her knees a bit, but she made sure she was eye-level with me.
"No, I'm alright. I think. Just stay close, please?" I bit my lip, and Luci nodded. She had a determined look in her eyes, and I knew that she wouldn't stray too far. That's the best thing about her; she was always protecting me. She always made sure that I was alright. Even before she found out about my major problems, she was still kind of like a bodyguard for me. If anyone tried to start anything, she was always there, shoving them away.
We went back outside, and managed to make it to Austin right as he was at the front gate. "Hey, guys." He scanned my face, and seemed happy that I was doing better.
The man sitting in the booth addressed Austin. "Are you guys together?"
Austin nodded. "The three of us? Yes."
"That'll be fifteen dollars. Everything inside is free except for the carnival games." Austin handed over the money, and the man smiled warmly at me as we went inside. I returned it, and his kind gesture lifted my spirits a bit.
After wandering around the carnival for a bit, Luci declared that she wanted to go on the Ferris wheel. Austin said he didn't mind, and they both looked to me for the final decision. I just shrugged, and Luci squealed.
"Let's go!" She yelled, grabbing my hand and yanking me towards the Ferris wheel. After realizing that Austin might get lost in the thick crowd of people, I clasped my hand around his and pulled him along with us. My stomach instantly felt like there were millions of butterflies flying around in it.
Basically, I hadn't been talking to any guys lately, let alone holding their hand. My face was probably as red as a firetruck.
We rode the Ferris wheel, played some games, bought cotton candy, and were just about to leave when Luci asked me if I wanted anything. I shook my head, but she went into a shop anyway. It sold stuffed animals, and it didn't take long until she came out with a giant stuffed seahorse. "Take it." She firmly stated. I rolled my eyes and hugged it to my chest.
"Thank you." I smiled and turned to Austin. "Would you like a giant stuffed animal?"
He laughed before shaking his head no. "But I do have to go get something. I'll be right back." He said, turning away and heading in the opposite direction. Luci just stared at his retreating figure.
"Alright then."
"What should we do while he's gone?" I sat down on a nearby bench, and Luci plopped down next to me. She stared at the ground in thought. Suddenly, her face lit up.
"I know! I'll kick your butt at Flappy Bird!" She quickly opened up the app and went straight to playing. I just sighed and waited for her to hand it to me.
We went back and forth a few times, and yes, she did kick my butt. Her best was twenty-five, while mine was just eleven. I sucked at Flappy Bird. Bad.
I had just finished my fourth try when I looked up to see Austin heading towards us. I hopped up, and waved at him. He had a hand behind his back. I wondered why he was running like that, but as soon as he made it to us, he thrust something into my hands.
"I saw it earlier and thought you'd like it. I figured that a nice gesture would be nice for our blossoming friendship."
"Blossoming friendship? Oh my God, you're like ten!" I exclaimed, going into a fit of giggles. He just gestured towards the object in my hands.
I looked down and was met with a light green t-shirt that said I HATE EVERYONE in big, bold black letters. I started laughing again.
"Before you ask, yes, they do sell those at carnivals. Apparently." Austin laughed, heading towards the front gate.
"This is the best carnival gift I've ever gotten. Thank you, loser." I broke into a run, and both Austin and Luci were right on my tail. I made it to the car first, and planted my hand on the side while I caught my breath. "I totally just beat you guys."
"Whatever! You got like a ten second head start!" Luci complained, throwing her hands up in the air. I just laughed. I suddenly realized that I had been doing that a lot.
Besides the little freak out when we first got here, I hadn't even been uncomfortable. Honestly, I probably laughed more in that one day than I did since I decided that I wasn't good enough for people. But being with Luci and Austin made me happy. As Austin just grinned and got in the car, I smiled at the ground.
Luci playfully shoved me and hopped in the back. "You're lucky I love you, otherwise I would've so called shotgun."
I stuck my tongue out at her and slid into the front passenger seat. Luci spent the ride playing around on her phone and arguing over the radio with Austin, but I just spent it staring at my feet with the biggest smile on my face. And even when we got home and Austin drove away, it was still there.
We were watching a movie when Luci turned to me and asked me why I was so smiley.
"Nothing," I breathed, pulling my blanket farther up my legs. She didn't ask about it anymore, and eventually, my face started to hurt from all the smiling.
It was a good pain, you know?