After
Numb
Painfully so.
Marvin slept walked through each day, not thinking, trying not to even breathe sometimes, giving into the pain.
A few weeks later the funeral was held.
Marvin did not attend. He could not.
It took him almost three months before he could even work up the courage to visit Whizzers grave.
Charlotte took him, the drive to whizzers home was long and filled with awkward silence. She would ask Marvin questions and he would not reply, just traced small patterns into the foggy window.
Tiny love hearts similar to the ones whizzer would trace into his neck as he kissed him.
Once they got to the city, Charlotte took Marvin to Whizzers house.
"Hello Charlotte, how are you and who's this"
Whizzers mum motioned to the shell that was once Marvin.
"Hey Miss brown" Charlotte nudged Marvin, attempting to wake him from his state
"This is-"
"Marvin, m'am"
Charlotte looked in surprise at the boy who had not looked alive for so long.
"And how did you know my son"
"Ummm..." marvins face went slightly red and he awkwardly looked down, a small smile gracing his face, " we slept together in a random bar and then the next day found out we were room mates"
Whizzers mom smiled at him knowingly, realising this was the boy her son had fell in love with, but before she had a chance to say something, Charlotte gave Marvin the directions to the cemetery and told him she would catch up with him. He found himself wandering through streets that felt so unfamiliar to him yet he finally found the grave yard, walking over the mossy cobblestones.
He stood over the grave, a small headstone at the head.
Whizzer Brown
It read. And then Marvin began to laugh at the implausible nature of everything unfair in the world right now. His laugh quickly faded into nothing and for the first time in months he thought of whizzer properly. And he realised that he could not remember certain things about him, like what he was wearing the first time they met, or how he would smile.
"Jesus Christ Whizzer. Why the fuck did you do it"
He stared at the gravestone expecting a reply, all he was met with was the chirping of birds and the light pattering of rain. It had been raining almost everyday since that day.
"He didn't want me to tell anyone, but I think it's time" Marvin snapped round to see Charlotte behind him
"What, why you?"
"Because I noticed" Charlotte teared up slightly, quickly wiping them away, "he had Cancer. It was stage 3 and he made me promise not to tell you because he didn't want to be a burden" the flood gates opened, "I'm so sorry but I wanted to respect his wishes and and I..."
"Go." Marvin's voice was firm and uncaring. Angry.
"But..."
"JUST GO"
Charlotte did not argue, she turned and left
"I'll be in the car" she whispered
Marvin waited until Charlotte was out of earshot before he turned back to the grave.
"I...I... what the hell am I doing, I'm talking to a gravestone" he laughed bitterly, "I just, I..." he sighed, annoyed at his ability to not find the words he was looking for. "I watched that Sherlock episode, the one where he jumps off of the building, you said that's how you would fake your death, so fucking come back, say it was a joke, say you're alive-" there was a second of silence"-you were the only person who has ever loved me, and you helped me become myself, and i will always be great full, always." He paused for a second, putting his hand awkwardly on the stone before turning to leave, walking a couple of feet. Then he stopped.
"No" he turned back around, "no, no. You... you and me..." he began to cry for the first time since Whizzer had died, his voice becoming a low whisper from the tears, hiccuping between words," we were meant to end up together, we were meant to grow up together, live together, have kids together, die together." He blubbered his way through his speech until it physically hurt him to speak anymore, "and we didn't even begin, we never got together and that will be the biggest regret of my life, forever and always."
"And I will always love you"