死不瞑目
Sǐ bù míngmù
Not close one's eyes when one dies.
Die with a grievance or discontent.
*~*~*~*~*~*
"You do not have to stay here trapped with me Ao," Sanli said. We sat by a window of the long hall where he was to hold his mourning vigil for the next two months.
The prince could leave the hall only to eat and sleep, and that only for a third of his day. The rest of his time he had to remain in this hall, wearing the clothes of a mourner. The ridiculous white robes fell in folds around his handsome figure, making him look like a folded letter more than a person.
"I have nowhere else to go, prince."
"You can go back ahead of us. I will send some of Zhangyu's guard to protect you at Wo You Nai. Or you can stay with Ermi. Zhangyu has so many spies in her staff, you will be safe there as well."
I had forgotten about the sizable bounty that had been placed on me. Having spent so much time as an unwanted fugitive, I had grown used to the sensation of being hunted.
The prince had remembered though. "Thank you prince," I said. "But I will stay with you."
"Oh. Alright then," said Sanli, shifting on the thin cushion he sat on. The white mourning robes rustled just like the paper they resembled. "But you don't actually have to stay with me, you know. YOU can leave the hall. I can't. Actually..." Sanli's eyes gleamed. "Can you steal me some food from the kitchens? I'm starving."
"Aren't you supposed to fast, prince?"
"I don't care. The old woman made my life miserable. Let me have this small rebellion."
I laughed and went to fetch him something to eat.
After sneaking into the kitchens, and sweet talking the monks working there into giving me fresh bread and some jarred fruit to bring back to the prince, I left, taking a long way back to the mourning hall. The prince could wait a little longer for his illicit snack.
I was enjoying the sky. For the first time in months, I could see blue for more than a few moments at a time. The clouds were still there, white traced with grey, but the blue turned them into islands, isolating them from one another. Beautiful soft islands floating in a clear blue sea.
Who would think I, who loved rain and clouds, would enjoy seeing the blue sky so much.
I was walking looking up at the curved rooftops of the temple against the blue sky when a door before me opened and I almost walked into it.
"Are you sure?" I heard Kageyama's voice.
"I am sure," Zakhar replied. Then the door shut and he stood before me.
For the first time in weeks he was forced to look at me.
"Ao," was all Zakhar said. I hardly had time to observe that the wound on his cheek had healed nicely and his beard was returning before Zakhar turned and walked away.
I tried to control the sinking feel of loss that crept over me. Instead I knocked on Kageyama's door.
"Have you changed your- oh. Ao. Lady Ao." Kageyama stood there, dressed in one of his black yukata robes he commonly wore in his room.
"Lord Kageyama," I replied courteously.
"What do you wan- can I help you?" Kageyama asked, recovering from his surprise at seeing me.
"Nothing. I just thought I would stop by. Unless I am troubling you?"
"Oh. Of course not. Uh, come in."
Kageyama gestured me through the door and I stepped in. His room was more ornately furnished than the bare monk cells, but less extreme then the royal apartments had been. I realized this was his room from the little personal touches I noticed everywhere. A wrack of swords for display, a wine jug elegant in its simple design, and a go board by the window, with a game half played.
He has been coming here for centuries, no wonder he has his own room.
I looked out the window, which was open despite the brisk breeze. It looked down upon the hall where Sanli sat, 'mourning'.
Ah. He is watching the prince even from here.
"What is that for?" Kageyama asked, pointing to the basket of bread I carried.
I explained Sanli's request, and Kageyama laughed, then tried hard to school his face into a stern expression.
I glanced down at the black and white stones scattered across the go board. "What were you and Zakhar talking of? Were you playing go?"
"What?" said Kageyama distracted, sinking back to his seat by the go board. "No, no I was playing with myself."
"Men often do," I said, sitting opposite him.
"No! I was using the book!" Kageyama gestured to a book, face down before my seat. "It is a record of a famous game, between the Red Duke and the Golden Emperor."
I picked up the text from where it had been placed, and read over a series of moves, counter moves, descriptions. I realized Kageyama must have been placing his own stones, then moving to my seat to consult the book and place his opponent's as well.
"Playing with a book, how sad. Can you not find anyone to be your opponent?" I said.
Kageyama grumbled. "When you have been playing for centuries, it is hard to find an opponent to match you."
"I will play you, Lord Kageyama."
"I have already started the game. You can follow the moves in the book. That will do nicely."
I looked down at the book in my hands, and with some explanation of the notation on Kageyama's part, succeeded in placing stones according to its dictation.
After some minutes of play, Kageyama was the one to break the silence.
"What happened between you and Zakhar?" he asked.
"Oh? I did not know you were interested in my nightly affairs."
"I am not. I simply do not like seeing two friends so unhappy."
"Oh my. Are we friends, Lord Kageyama?"
"It's your turn."
I looked down at the book, found the correct move, and placed a stone accordingly.
"Nothing happened," I replied. "Or rather, what always happens when a non-human tries to start something with a human. It fell apart."
"You speak as though it were inevitable."
"It is," I said.
"Perhaps it is not. You assume death is an ending."
I glanced up at him. "It isn't?"
Kageyama frowned. "Nevermind. It's your move."
I placed my piece. "What do you mean, Lord Kageyama?"
Kageyama's mouth twisted, as he debated whether to share. "Some things endure even after death, if you want them to."
"But only one party keeps them alive," I said.
"Aye. It is lonely. But possible." Kageyama frowned down at the board. "Are you placing your pieces correctly?"
I did not answer. I was thinking of what he had said. The sad poetry of it. No, affection did not have to die with one member, as long as another still lived. It was lonely, but possible to carry on a love on your own.
I glanced at Kageyama. I wondered if this was the sadness I saw in his eyes sometimes. The pain of carrying a love for someone who was gone forever.
Such sentimentally. Why bother to carry feelings like that around with you? A waste of time and energy.
"Give me the book," Kageyama prompted, breaking me out of my thoughts.
I handed it to him, and he perused the page, his ever present frown becoming more severe.
"You have skipped several moves!" he exclaimed.
"I did?" I said innocently. My innocence was true. I hadn't noticed my error. Probably because I had not really been paying attention.
Kageyama threw the book down with a sigh. "Never mind. I will go back and play from the start again later."
We sat some moments longer, until Kageyama broke the silence once more.
"Whatever happened between you and Zakhar, you should think to mend it," he advised.
My lip twitched. "Why the sudden interest in my personal affairs, Lord Kageyama?"
Kageyama looked up from the board, meeting my eyes. "Zakhar came earlier to announce his resignation from the position I gave him. He is leaving the end of the week."
*~*~*~*~*~*
The day Zakhar left the sky was clear blue.
Birds were singing, excited about approaching spring. I watched them flitter about as I did my makeup at the small table in my room. Annoying creatures.
I had raided the royal apartments earlier for a robe that had not once belonged to a nun or an initiate and a makeup box. I even found a hairpin and fixed my hair into something resembling a style for the first time in months.
It was petty, but I wanted Zakhar to regret what he left.
We all went out to meet Zakhar in main courtyard. Liang'yi and Ermi had ridden up in Ermi's carraige from the valley. Ermi's tears were rivaled only by Liang'yi's jibes in number.
"Where are you headed, eh, Big Boy?"
"I thought I'd go back to Zhanghai for a bit first," Zakhar said. "After that, who knows?"
"No time like spring to enjoy the flowers, eh?" Liang'yi winked.
Zakhar saw me watching him. "Aye, no time like spring for flowers."
Coward. Hatred burned in every fiber of my body.
I strode forward. "If that's where you are headed, then perhaps you can use this," I said, slipping off one of the rings on my fingers. I took his large hand and dropped the ring into it.
"It protects against disease," I explained. "ALL kinds of disease. It will come in useful, while you are enjoying those flowers in Zhanghai."
Zakhar frowned and tried to return the ring to me. "Keep it. I do not need-"
"Oh no. I insist. It is a gift." I turned and walked far enough away, so he could not try and give it back.
"I will miss you, Z-Zakhar-Dage," Ermi choked out, wrapping her arms around the big man. "Why do you have to go? When will you come back?"
Zakhar patted Ermi on the head. "I will miss you as well, Little Rabbit," he said softly. "I'll come back when I can. But for now, I need some time for myself."
Kageyama also approached. He and Zakhar stepped to one side, and the kitsune handed him a small pouch. I could not hear what they said, but I read the words 'reconsider' on the kitsune's lips and saw the following shake of Zakhar's head.
Then they grabbed arms in farewell.
Finally it came time for Sanli to say goodbye to Zakhar.
Sanli stood at the entrance to the mourning hall, as he was unable to leave. The prince wore his ridiculous white mourning robes, made more ridiculous by the sling across his chest. Zakhar climbed the steps to say goodbye to the prince within the hall.
They stood in the doorway of the dark hall. We watched the two men speak, saw Sanli grab Zakhar's arm with his unbroken hand, and both men looked toward me.
Zakhar shook his head, eyes sad, and tried to pull his arm from Sanli's.
The prince would not let him though. Instead he pulled the big man into a hug.
Zakhar looked surprised, then wrapped his broad arms around Sanli's shoulders.
I envied the little prince.
*~*~*~*~*~*
When Zakhar left it was as though the new spring left with him.
Winter returned. The blue sky vanished, replaced by the same grey clouds that had hung over us all throughout our time in the north. The temperature dropped as well, teasing to snow, until finally it did, one day when I was walking in the same courtyard where Ermi had remarked on the fast approaching plum blossoms.
The blossoms themselves had finally come. Their sweet fragrance perfumed the frozen air, making it seem as though the falling snow itself had brought the scent.
Too bad Zakhar did not get to see the plum blossoms he loves so much, I thought.
Then I wondered what had become of his plum wine he had bragged of. He had not had it that day he rode away on Dunya. Perhaps I would drink it all, to spite him, and leave a room full of empty bottles waiting for his return.
This thought entertained me enormously.
I wandered the grounds of the temple aimlessly, till I found myself outside the mourning hall.
Hearing voices inside, I climbed the steps and went in.
Sanli and Kageyama were sitting at a low table in one corner of the hall, a brazier heating a tea kettle beside them.
Heated whispers hissed between them.
"She is NOT fine. She pines away everyday—"
"And you think telling her his fate will make it any better?"
"It does not seem fair. She deserves to know."
"And his wishes deserve to be respected-"
The woven matting beneath by foot creaked, and both men looked up, guilt plain on their faces.
"What are you two hiding from me?" I said, eyes narrowing.
"Nothing!" Sanli squeaked nerousley, hurriedly flapping his arms about in his poofed white sleeves. As though he thought to distract me like some giant butterfly.
"Men who keep secrets are not attractive at all," I said, prowling toward them.
Kageyama averted his eyes, as did Sanli. I stood above them, staring at their turned heads. Nothing could be heard in the uncomfortable silence save the hiss of the coals in the brazier.
Finally I gave a sigh and sat. "Pass me the tea," I said reaching for a cup.
"Ao we were talking of going back to Zhanghai when the mourning period is over," Sanli said tentatively, pouring hot tea into my cup with his good hand. "To stay by the sea in Chuanfang. Would you like that?"
I thought longingly of the sea. Then I thought of meeting Zakhar by accident, in Zhanghai. His suprised look as he saw me, then quickly pretended not to.
"No, not really."
"Or perhaps, we could travel again?" Sanli continued hopefully. "Back to Nan'ye? Where would you like to go?"
"I do not really care, little prince."
Sanli glanced at Kageyama. His mentor firmly shook his head.
An uncomfortable silence fell once more. The kettle purred as the water in it turned to steam.
"I can't!" Sanli blurted.
"Sanli..." Kageyama growled.
"Ao, Zakhar didn't leave to go to Zhanghai and play with prostitutes."
I frowned. "Where did he go then?"
"He went north."
"Sanli!" Kageyama barked.
"I am telling her, Sho Sensei! It is not fair to Ao. To both of them. She deserves to know the truth."
"What are you talking about, little prince? Why did Zakhar go north?" I was confused. Zakhar hated the north.
"Ao, did you ever ask what the Black Lord had sent Zakhar to do?"
"I did," I said. "He told me he was searching for something."
"And did he tell you what?"
"I can't quite recall...he didn't seem to want to talk of it." I knew Hei assigned his men sordid tasks. I hadn't wanted to pry, in case it was something Zakhar was ashamed of. "He is an officer though, so I assumed it was of importance."
Sanli raised his eyebrows. "Yes. Something important. Ao, Zakhar was sent to find a six-fingered woman."
My skin turned to ice.
"He was sent to find you," Sanli finished softly.
My head swirled with sudden realizations. This meant... this meant-!
"W-wait, if he is going north again... he is not going back to the Black Lord?" I said aghast. I leapt to my feet. "He can't! Hei has ways to see the truth. He will know Zakhar has met me—"
I covered my mouth, my stomach retching at the thought of all the horrible punishments Hei saved for those who disobeyed him.
"Ao," said Sanli, taking my hand and pulling me back down beside him. He put a arm around me to steady me. "Zakhar is not going north to go back to the Black Lord. He is going north to die."
On the brazier, the kettle started to shriek.
"You FOOLS!" I yelled so loudly even Kageyama winced. "Arrogant IDIOTS! Why did you think it was a good idea to keep this from me?" I leapt to my feet.
"Please don't be angry Ao," Sanli begged. "Zakhar made us swear to keep it a secret from you. He did not want you to risk yourself, he was trying to protect-"
"I DO NOT NEED YOU FOR PROTECTION! Not you prince, not Zakhar, not any of you!"
I was on my feet, pacing. "He left less than a week ago. If I leave now, I can catch him—" I turned to run.
"Ao wait!" Sanli jumped up and grabbed my sleeve. "You can't! Zakhar would not want you to follow him. He made me promise-"
"Do not touch me! DO NOT TALK TO ME!" I screamed. "You are a fool to think shielding me from this would somehow make me happy!"
Sanli quickly let my sleeve go, face pale.
But really I was the idiot. The real fool. How could I not have noticed, in all this time? I knew Zakhar loved me. His fear that day in my room in Changsha. It had not been the fear of losing me. It was the fear of leaving me.
I was the real fool.
I rushed from the hall, ignoring Sanli's cries to wait. When I reached my room I stripped off my borrowed apprentice robes and threw on my pages clothes that I had worn for traveling north all those months ago.
I hurriedly packed the few items I would need into my bag, slung it over one shoulder, grabbed the boots Sanli had gifted me and raced toward the stables.
The prince and Kageyama were waiting in the courtyard. Kageyama was struggling to wrestle Sanli back into the mourning hall. The prince's white robes were stained with mud around the ankles. In his rush the prince had left the hall without putting on shoes, and now stood barefoot in the muddy, snowy courtyard.
"Ao, wait!" Sanli called over Kageyama's arm.
"I do NOT want to talk to you little prince," I yelled over my shoulder, dashing to the stables.
I quickly found In'yii's saddle, among the others. A young apprentice was cleaning her bridle, and he watched wide-eyed as I grabbed it from his hands and marched toward her stable.
Inside In'yii paced eagerly, for once glad to see me. Perhaps she sensed my urgency and had decided to not be obstinate for once.
Good girl.
"We are going after Zakhar," I told her. "Your kind friend, who always feeds you oats."
I knew the horse could not understand me, but I spoke to her anyway. "Your kind, stupid friend."
I buckled In'yii's girth and turned to lead her from the stable to find Kageyama blocking my way.
"Zakhar does not have long before the ink that keeps him human fades," he said, face solemn. "He intends to end his own life before that happens."
"And?" I asked, lip curling.
"He left because he did not want you to see him die. There is nothing you can do for him."
"I don't care! Don't try and stop me from going, kitsune," I snarled.
"And how will you find him? Zakhar could be anywhere."
"Move!"
Kageyama sighed. Then he reached out, pulled a knife from the air, and held it out to me.
I took it. It was the small throwing knife he had shown me how to use that day by the riverside. The one that helped find lost items.
"I lied somewhat, when I said it could not find people. If that person has something of yours, you can count it as lost and find it again."
At first I thought he spoke sentimentally, and meant Zakhar had my heart. Then I remembered.
My ring. I had given Zakhar my ring.
"I cannot find you again without this," Kageyama said sternly. "That means I am trusting you to bring it back." He paused. "Zakhar as well. "
"Of course."
"There is one other thing," Kageyama's voice was hesitant. "I gave Zakhar a vial of a poison. It is called 'Dawn-does-not-come'. If he drinks it-"
"I know the poison," I growled. "How could you give him such a thing?!"
Kageyama looked taken aback. "Remember what you told Zakhar that night, by the fire, when we feared you might become a monster?"
I shook my head, so Kageyama supplied the words for me. "You told him you'd rather die then become one of the Black Lord's mangled pets." Kageyama looked at me purposefully. "Zakhar feels the same. You need to respect his choice."
"It will not come to that," I argued.
Kageyama shook his head. "I do not have time to make you an antidote. You need to get the bottle from him before he can drink it. Once he does, there is no return."
I nodded and kicked In'yii to drive her past Kageyama. But the kitsune caught her bridle.
"Promise me you will come back. Whatever happens with Zakhar," Kageyama asked.
"I will bring us both back whole."
"Promise me, for Sanli's sake. He will wait for you forever, you know that."
"I promise."
Kageyama stepped aside, holding the stable door open for me.
I swung onto In'yii and rode her out of the stables, ducking under the low door frame. The apprentice stared at me as I went.
Outside, Sanli was still standing in the middle of the courtyard, looking like a lost boy with his bare feet and muddy ankles, his hand still in a sling against his chest.
Life is too short for unkind words.
"Prince." I rode In'yii toward him.
Sanli looked up.
"I will free Zakhar from his curse, and bring him back. And then we will all travel to Zhanghai, or to Nan'ye. Wherever we wish to go." I promised him.
Sanli bit his lip. "I will come with you. I do not care about this stupid ritual-"
"No," I said firmly. "You will slow me down. I intend to travel without stopping." And I did not want to involve him with Hei. The man had hated Lu, and would no doubt hate his kin as well.
"I will come back, prince," I said. "Zakhar and I both. I promise."
I saw hope in Sanli's eyes, as well as fear for me. Finally he smiled shyly, and nodded.
I kicked In'yii from the courtyard, up the path we had ridden down not long before.
At the top I paused, and looked down at the temple once more.
I knew the chances of me succeeding in what I had just promised the prince were slim. I did not need to list all the things that could go wrong. Zakhar could have thrown my ring away. Even if he hadn't, it could take too long for me to catch him. He might drink the poison, or become an eh'lang like he had been fated to before receiving the Hei's ink.
Once I found Zakhar, we had a long and difficult journey north, to try and find Hei in his moving city made of tents and horses. The terrain and the weather would be against us, plus the additional threat of meeting with Black Riders, or another eh'lang.
And even if all those obstacles were overcome, and I still managed to find Hei and bring Zakhar to him, there was no guarantee the Black Lord would hear my request. After all, I did not hold the power I once had, and Hei had no obligation to listen to me, or grant me anything.
There were so many things that could go wrong. But I knew I would never forgive myself if I didn't try.
Zakhar had chosen his road. Now I would choose mine.
I turned In'yii north.
*~*~*~*~*~*