Shame
"Ate, anong nangyari kanina?" Lumapit si Jennie sa kanya. Mugto ang mga mata nito. Bakas ang pag-alala sa mukha nito habang umuupo sa kanyang. Napayuko siya nang hawakan nito ang kanyang mga palad. The same hands that held his bloodied face. Hanggang ngayon ay di pa rin siya makapaniwala sa nangyari.
"H-hindi ko alam. Basta na lang siya..." nauutal niyang sambit ngunit namutawi ang kanyang hikbi.
Please, Lila, stop crying.
She pursed her lips but her sobs continued to escape from her mouth. Hindi na yata siya nauubusan ng mailuluha.
"Eon..." Jennie called.
Napatunghay siya sa bagong dating. It's Ewan's brother. He looks relieved for some reasons. Pareho silang napatayo ni Jennie. They both waited for his words.
He sighed. "He's fine. Sabi ng doctor walang life-threatening injury na natamo si kuya," ika nito.
"Thank god." Jennie sighed in relief.
"But he can't compete for a while... or never," he regrettably added.
She buried her face with both of her hands. Hindi niya napigilan ang pagtulo ng kanyang mga luha sa narinig. Ewan. He's been looking forward to that championship game ever since. Wala itong ibang mukambibig. He's been working so hard to achieve that. At sa isang iglap ay kinuha iyon sa kanya.
"Jen, paano natin sasabihin sa kanya..." she cried out.
"T-that's fine. Ang mahalaga okay si Kuya," Jennie said.
She knows Jennie is just trying to lighten everything up. Pero hindi niya magawang balewalain ito. Nang gumabi ay dumating ang parents ni Ewan. She excused herself para tawagan ang kanyang Mamang at para bigyan na rin ng space ang pamilya. She informed her mamang that she can't be home tonight. She wants to be here when he wakes up. She wants to make sure that he's going to be okay. Kahit alam niyang malabo pa iyon sa ngayon.
Pabalik na sana siya nang makita niya si Jace. Why is he here? He's pacing back and forth looking distressed. Sapo nito ang noo at may tinatawagan sa telepono. May nangyari din ba sa dito? Lumapit siya para itanong.
"Jace? Anong ginagawa mo dito?" she asked.
He looked so terrified when he saw her.
"Lila... Si Ewan?" he asked so suddenly.
Nabigla siya sa tanong nito. Paano nito nalaman ang tungkol sa nangyari kay Ewan? Kanina lang 'yon... Biglang pumasok sa utak niya ang imahe ng sasakyan kanina. Napatakip siya sa kanyang bibig nang mapagtanto ang nangyayari.
"Oh my god, Jace? Ikaw ang..." she trailed off.
He tried to touch her and she winced.
"I'm sorry. Nawala ako sa isip kanina. O-okay lang ba siya?"
Anong karapatan nitong magtanong?
Her lips parted as she gasped in horror. "H-how could you? Jace, hindi na siya makakalangoy!" sigaw niya. Nanginig ang kanyang kamao. Gustong-gusto niya itong saktan sa galit.
"Hindi ko sinasadya, Lila. I came here to apologize. I'm so sorry. I was-I didn't know what I was doing. Sorry! I'm sorry!" Paulit-ulit itong humingi ng tawad. Halos lumuhod sa pagmamakaawa. Paano nito nagagawang magmakaawa? He should be ashamed by now. Ano bang kasalanan ni Ewan? Dahil ba sa kanya?
"Anong magagawa niyang apology mo? Jace, tao ka pa ba? You... You stripped him off of his dream!" sigaw niya.
She held herself back when she almost slapped his unremorseful face. Nailamukos niya ang kanyang buhok saka napasapo sa mukha.
"I'm so sorry, Lila. I'm so sorry. Please don't tell them. Hindi ako pwedeng makulong. My dad will kill me. Please." He pleaded and pleaded but she can't hear him. She doesn't want to.
"Umalis ka na, please. Please lang, huwag ka nang magpakita sa'kin!"
She glared at his back as he walked away. Hindi niya na magawang bumalik pa doon sa loob. Hiyang-hiya siya sa ginawa ni Jace. Paano niya sasabihin sa mga magulang nito? She can't look them in the eyes and tell them that her ex did that to their son. So she took one last glance and left.
"Kumusta si Ewan?" Shane blurted out when they were inside the library fixing some documents.
She only shrugged. "I don't know," she replied.
Shane's eyes narrowed at her. "Anong di mo alam?" she exclaimed.
Binitawan niya ang binabasa folders. "I can't face him, Shane," she finally told someone.
It's been weeks since the accident happened. Wala siyang balita kay Ewan. Ang alam niya lang ay discharged na ito sa hospital at nagpapahinga na sa kanila. Ngunit wala siyang lakas ng loob para harapin ang binata. Iniwasan niya ito dahil hindi niya kayang tignan ang mukha nito at sabihing siya ang may gawa niyon sa kanya. Siya ang dahilan ng lahat ng ito.
"Dahil sa ginawa ni Jace." She gulped. "Kasalanan ko. Bakit kailangan ko pang dumating sa buhay niya?" bulong niya sa sarili.
Shane heaved a sigh and held her shoulder. "Lila, si Jace ang may kasalanan. Hindi ikaw. Ewan needs you now more than ever. Nakikinig ka ba?"
"Shane..." she whispered.
Hindi nito naiintindihan.
She knows, she will have to face him one of these days. Pero hangga't di pa 'yon dumarating, mag-iipon muna siya ng lakas ng loob. Hindi niya pa alam ang sasabihin dito. Paano kung magalit ito sa kanya? Paano kung ito naman ang umiwas nang tuluyan ngayon? She wouldn't blame him. She only brings disaster to anyone. From her parents, with Jace and herself and now, to Ewan.
"Hi..." Lumapit ang isang pamilyar na babae sa kanya nang papalabas siya ng kanilang building.
She looked familiar.
"Lila?" she asked and Lila nodded.
"I'm Nadia," pakilala nito. Ito nga iyong babaeng kalandian ni Ewan dati, the one who bought him for 16K. Why is she here all of a sudden? Anong kailangan nito?
"Anong kailangan mo?" Hindi niya sinasadyang magkaroon ng ibang tono sa pananalita.
She gave me a knowing smile. "Wala naman. Making a small talk with you," sagot nito.
Hindi niya alam pero hindi siya mapakali sa presensya ng babae. She looked like any Gustavian rich girls. Long hair, fair skin, jewels on her neck and arms, thick make-up and the smell of expensive perfume.
"By the way, hindi ka ba nahihiya? Dinig ko 'yong ex mo raw may pakana niyon kay Ewan. Totoo ba?" she said and smiled, a sarcastic one. Lila walked faster. Iyon lang pala ang pakay nito. Hindi niya mapigilang mainis. Paanong kumalat ang lahat ng iyon? Does everyone know?
"Hey, gusto ko lang i-confirm," ika pa nito.
Mahina siyang tumawa.
"Ano bang gusto mong mangyari?" she exclaimed.
Nadia snorted. "Hindi ako kontrabida dito, girl. I wonder kung sino..." she trailed off.
Pinasadahan siya nito ng tingin. Looking from her head down to her toe with her judging eyes. Minsan na rin siyang naging subject ng silent bullying sa Gustavio. Alam na alam niya ang pakiramdam na 'to. Gustuhin niya mang lumaban ay parang wala rin. Kaya mas pinili niya na lang na umalis. Kusa din naman silang titigil. But what she said imprinted on her head.
"Pumapasok na raw si Ewan," Shane told her.
"Alam ko," sagot niya.
"Hindi mo man lang ba kukumustahin?"
Napatingin siya sa kaibigan. Ramdam niya ang frustrution nito. She sighed.
She still doesn't know. But she found herself walking towards their building. Ilang oras siyang naghintay sa labas, contemplating whether to call him, find him or hide again. But it turns out that she doesn't need to. She caught his eyes. He was talking to Patrick.
"Dude, okay na raw 'yan?"
"Pat, mamaya na." Nagpaalam ito kay Patrick at lumapit sa kanya. She clenched her jaw watching him using crutches to reach her. She saw him grimaced in pain. Ramdam niya ang hirap nito. If only she could ease his struggle. If only there's a way to share his pain with her.
"Lila..." he called and her heart is leaping like crazy.
She looked away.
"Lila, please." He called again.
"Will you talk to me?" He pleaded.
Napayuko siya, ashamed of what happened.
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
She felt his hand on her chin. She raised her eyes to meet him.
"I'm fine. Tignan mo, galos lang 'to." He even grinned as he showed her his left foot, still bind with a thick bandage. Anong galos? Gusto niyang singhalan ito. How can he still act this way? Dapat ay nagagalit ito sa kanya. Dapat ay sinisinghalan siya nito. Instead he's smiling from ear to ear, eager to talk to her.
"Sorry, hindi kita binisita..." she trailed off.
She heard him sighed. "Lila, pilay lang ako, hindi bulag," anito.
"Anong ibig mong sabihin?" she asked, confused.
Napangisi ito sa kanya. "I know you've been visiting me at night when you thought I was asleep."
She closed her eyes a little. Alam pala nito, sa isip niya. Lalong nanikip ang kanyang dibdib. Yes, she was secretly visiting him whenever she can. Sumisilip siya sa kwarto nito tuwing tulog ang binata. Nakikipag-usap sa mga nurse tungkol sa kalagayan nito. Saka umaalis agad nang di nito nalalaman. She thought he will never know. But hearing it from him breaks her heart. How can she be so stupid? Her doubts and her fear got the best of her again.
"Kasalanan ko 'to eh," himutok niya.
"Shhh. Pwede naman nating panuorin sa Netflix 'yong pelikula," biro pa nito.
"Ewan naman eh. Seryoso ako," singhal niya dito. He's still laughing hysterically. Bakit ang saya pa nito? Parang hindi man lang inisip ang nangyari.
He then pinched her nose. "Seryoso din naman ako sa'yo," he said. She waited for his punchline.
But then he added, "Nang sinabi kong hindi ako aalis, I meant it."
She bit her lip, hearing that from him. Huminga ito nang malalim. Mapungay ang nangungusap nitong mga mata na nakakatitig sa kanya. She loves how his eyes are unfeigned and full of sincerity. Minsan lang siyang makakita ng ganitong tao.
His forehead creased. "Kaya huwag mo 'kong itulak palayo kasi kahit anong rason mo, hindi ko 'yon gagawin, okay?"
She nodded and pulled him for an embrace.
"Thank you for always understanding me."
He groaned and produced a soft chuckle before saying, "I love you, Lila ko..."
She froze for a second. The words that she long forgotten and didn't believe to. Hearing it from him sounds like a promise. A promise that she hope he won't break even if she can't say it back yet.
Her mouth almost opened to say the same words but she savored the moment instead. Ewan has been nothing to her but a consistency even in this world of uncertainties. She doesn't want to be unfair to him. Lila wants to make sure that he will never receive a half-hearted answer from her.
Just a little bit more until she gains enough courage.
-
I'm so stupid. I posted the wrong draft. Grrr. Lmao. Add me Kah Villavicencio.