After a long afternoon of discussing formulas, and then tactics for providing on-site care for Throwbacks or Evolved wounded during the street brawls and attacks that are growing more common, Flo leaves for the sleeping quarters.
I'm too wired to eat or sleep. Instead, I use the mapping software on the tablet to plot out the fastest routes to the clinic from different parts of the city. It's work better suited to Harriet, but at least I can give her a head start.
"You should answer your cell. Someone might get worried about you," Nic says, stepping up behind me to examine the maps on the tablet.
"Someone should know I'm a big girl who can take care of herself and doesn't like to have anyone hovering over her shoulder."
Nic grins. "You're an enormous pain in the ass."
"You say the sweetest things."
Nic brushes his hair out of his eyes and examines me. "Didn't your Addie say something about taking a break every now and then and living your life?"
"This is where I want to be," I reply, gazing around the clinic. "It isn't a chore."
"What if I could take you somewhere that you'd think is even more fun than a windowless room deep underground that smells like bleach and blood?"
I shoot him an annoyed glare. "What do you want, Nic? I want to finish up here before I turn in for the night."
Nic grips my hand, and his expression is so earnest that my annoyance fades to curiosity. "Hear me out, okay? I have something to tell you."
I look down at our connected hands and then meet his eyes. "Then tell me."
"Don't interrupt till I'm done, all right?"
I nod.
"I think we belong together."
I suck in a deep breath of air. He didn't have to ask me not to speak, because my mind only has room for shock.
"You reclaimed me, Joan. You reminded me that there are better, higher truths than the degraded ones that Crew fed me. And now, even though we're in the middle of a war, all I can think about is this huge secret that's been waiting to burst out of me, and that if you knew how I felt, you might give me a chance to be something other than just your teammate."
It's an effort to release the breath I've been holding.
Nic's face becomes guarded. "Okay, I'm done. Say something."
My heart slams in my chest. "Nic, you know I'm in love with Justus. I can't help it."
"I know," he says, his eyes soft and warm when they meet mine. "But don't you want to know how it feels to be with someone and hold nothing back? There's an impassable space between you and Justus."
Nic wipes away the tears leaking from the corners of my eyes.
"I want to be happy, to move on. To let him move on. But I'm not sure if I can."
"Give me a chance. A date."
"Can I have some time to think?"
A smile transforms Nic's face. "You're not telling me to fuck off?"
His words surprise a laugh out of me. "I'm a sucker for a good speech. Debate team, remember?"
"You're serious? You'll consider this? Not out of pity?"
It's impossible not to smile at this unexpected side to Nic. "I'll consider it. And I never make decisions out of pity."
He backs out of the room like he wants to vanish before I change my mind. "Night, Joan."
My voice is a little unsure when I reply. "Goodnight, Nic."
He disappears, and I stare at the door as it closes behind him. My mind is a mushy blend of guilty, happy, flattered and confused. The combination roils around in my stomach, making me nauseated.
Marie emerges from the supply closet, grinning. "I thought you knew I was in there. I sliced my finger open when I was taking apart my holo-tablet to install a new hard drive and needed a bandage. I said hi to you on my way in!"
I'd been too absorbed in mapping the city to notice much of anything before Nic came in the room. I close my eyes in embarrassment.
"Please don't tell anyone about that conversation," I beg.
"You owe me, then. Because that was the most romantic thing I've ever heard outside of vids, and now, you're saying I can't gossip about it?" Marie teases.
"I think I'm going to throw up."
"What's so hard to process, Joan? Nic's hot, and smart, and he clearly loves you. Let him see your source code."
"My source code?"
She rolls her eyes. "Let him in. Any one of us could die tomorrow at Lexi's whim or during one of Crew's surprise visits or at the hands of a crazed mob. Make out with Nic, explore your connection, live your life."
"I don't know if I can do that."
"Because of Justus," Marie says, matter-of-factly.
I nod.
"You're both only eighteen. There's a long, lonely, frustrated life ahead of you if you can't move on. And the option that walked out of this clinic looks like a pretty good one to me."
When I finally go to the sleeping quarters and close my eyes that night, Nic's words are a faint echo in my head, overpowered by one thought.
If I say yes, it really is over between Justus and me. And even if what we have is fragile and untenable, I'm not sure I'm ready to let it go. Maybe I'll never be ready.
~ ~ ~
The next morning, Harriet and I make our way through the Lab to check on the younger kids before we have to head to classes ourselves. After hearing Mav's story about Jin's adventure, I also want to make sure that none of the other kids are putting themselves in danger.
"Nic asked me out," I tell Harriet as we make our way through the tunnels.
"About time," Harriet says, and I'm rewarded with a little of the old light returning to her eyes.
"Addie would say to live my life and go for it."
"What do you say?" Harriet asks.
I shrug. "His feelings are serious. I'm afraid of jumping in and breaking his heart."
"His heart will break if you turn him down too."
The chatter of kids grows in volume as we approach the large underground room where many of the Lab rats eat their meals, which also serves as a makeshift classroom.
Today, Leo is delivering a lecture on practical skills for surviving interactions with the Evolved police.
"Now, who can tell me the right way to address an Evolved police officer?" Leo asks the class. "Yes, Maverick."
My eyes snap to the student in the front row. There's no way his mom knows that the school he chose to attend today is this one.
"Trick question, Professor. When an Evolved police officer talks to you, you say nothing and look at the ground."
"Good," Leo says, and continues his lecture.
"Mav and some of his friends are going rogue, chasing after Crew and his gang to provide us with information," I whisper to Harriet.
She pinches the bridge of her nose. "I suspected. It's time for me to provide some direction and organization for Mav and his friends. Without it, they'll continue to determine their own course of action and could end up hurt."
"If only we could convince them to stay safe, in school."
"Would you have let anyone tell you to stay out of the action when you were a kid?" Harriet asks.
"Of course not. Which is why I'll sleep better at night knowing that you're corralling them," I say.
"If they're determined to help, I have a few ideas. I've been thinking about how we can create escape hatches throughout the city to pull people out of dangerous situations."
"I had a similar idea. We need a direct path to our clinic for emergency care, as well as supplies scattered in safe locations throughout the city for on-site treatment."
It's a relief to see that my best friend has managed to set aside her horror about Dr. Rodriguez. It's impossible to imagine moving our team forward without her wisdom and practical help.
"Good work today, class," Leo says at the end of his lecture. "And you'll be happy to know that I wrangled some free lunch from Seattle Secondary that will be delivered within the hour."
The kids all brighten at Leo's news and begin clearing off the main table to make room for the food. Maverick approaches Leo, who gets down on one knee so that they can talk eye-to-eye. Harriet is spotted by some of her little groupies, who come running over to give her hugs. For the first time in days, Harriet's face relaxes as she listens to their chatter.
I join Mav and Leo, curious about the topic of their intense conversation.
"I can't give you that, son," Leo says to Mav. "I want you and your friends to be safe, but you're not ready to carry weapons. Especially lasers with fatal settings."
Mav's face twists. "But we'd only use them to protect people! We're the good guys, like you."
"I know that, Mav. But I'm still not arming you," Leo says, with a twinkle in his eye that belies his serious expression. "I promise to find you some pepper spray, as long as you only use it in self-defense."
Mav's face brightens. "Thanks, Leo."
Mav scurries off to join his friends, purposely avoiding my pleading gaze. I hope he forgives me soon, because I already miss his voice chirping in my ear.
"I'm glad you came by. I have a present for you," Leo continues, sliding a hand into his pocket.
He hands me a portable storage drive in a plastic case. "I reached out to a friend of mine who was able to find a back door into part of the intranet in the Chrysalis. Most of the information housed there wasn't useful, but he did find a list of Aft's safe houses. Now, we can pinpoint which locations Crew knows about. If Aft evacuates his people in the next few days, they will be safe. Maybe this will help you build a bridge of trust between our groups."
"I hope you didn't put yourself at risk to get this," I say, pocketing the drive.
Leo puts his hand on my shoulder. "The kids can't be the only ones taking risks. I'm proud to be a part of this team, and I will fight for it."
I pull Leo into a hug, and he stiffens, as if he isn't used to being touched. Eventually, his body relaxes and he hugs me back.
"I'm glad you're here. And thank you."
Leo's voice cracks when he replies. "You're welcome."