I could float your boat
WELCOME TO CHAPTER 95 OF LETTING GO
🦋*🦋*🦋* 🦋
TUESDAY
25TH NOVEMBER, 2019
I clear my throat quietly at the silence that fills the room just after Dr Dubois speaks and we all stare at Dallas waiting for her to say something.
It was only just 8 in the morning and I was only awake cause Dallas had come to my room at 4 something to wake me up cause she was bored and could not sleep.
We'd played Tic tac toe till it was 5, pausing to talk every minute and then we moved on to the TV, changing channels a hundred times cause nothing interested Dallas.
We'd ended up just talking about whatever and I was careful not to say anything that might cause her to look at me with that intensely confused expression that comes on her face when I talk about something we used to both know.
It looks like it hurts her head so I tried to spare her that.
It wasn't long before it was 7:30 and Dr Dubois had come to check on me...and Dallas since she was already in my room.
Hugo had arrived just some minutes after Dr Dubois came in and he'd (Dr Dubois) decided to explain the situation of things to Dallas now.
On a normal day, with everything that has happened and the questions and tests, Dallas would most likely have figured her memory loss out but she has kind of been floating on the surface and thinking or putting two and two together currently isn't her thing.
"Excuse me?" She finally speaks, a frown on her face aimed at the doctor.
"Its not certain to what extent you have lost your memories but it seems you are unable to remember anything in the span of 5 years" he says looking down at his notepad and she just stares at him like he's dumb
"That's just fucking stupid" she says
Told you she was looking at him like he was dumb.
"Ah..." the doctor says only, looking up from his notepad, clearly unsure of how to reply to that
She literally just threw away his diagnosis like he hadn't spent years in medical school and more years practicing medicine.
"How can I possibly just lose a 5 years worth of memories? That's crazy, insane even. I mean..." She's doing exactly what I was doing.
Refusing to believe the possibility cause maybe just then it might be impossible and then the situation untrue
But it doesn't work that way.
"Didi, how about Dr Dubois finishes talking first?" Hugo interrupts her and she rolls her eyes before leaning back and placing her head on my shoulder, keeping quiet
It seems to be her favorite thing to do, resting on my shoulder.
Rather than comfort for her, it's more comfort for me. She didn't feel distant even with her memory loss and I am very happy with that.
This is still all so weird to me. I honestly thought I'd wake up and this would all just be a dream.
But what if it is a dream?
What if it's just a really long dream?
Okay I'll just stop thinking crazy now.
"Well looking at the list of people that are on here, you only ticked the names of people you knew from the age of 22 and below. New contacts and acquaintances made from the ages of 23 and down are not ticked here as known contacts" Dr Dubois continues, looking down at his notepad, silently grateful to Hugo for shutting Dallas up and giving him the floor to speak
"That's cause I don't know them" she says
"No, you do not remember them" he corrects and she frowns but says nothing
"Seeing as you don't remember your daughter, Nelinha, I assume you also can't remember certain months in the year you were 22" he continues
"So I have a five year old daughter who I have no memory of?" She asks, her frown ever so present
"Well usually your memory should come back in a bit of time"
"How much time?"
"Could be a few days, weeks or even months but it's usually never permanent and there's hope for a return of these memories" he says and she sighs
"Months" she murmurs under her breath
"But why can't I remember even a fragment of anything? I don't even know how I got to Paris, I don't know how come I have a daughter, am I married? I don't know anything"
"Amnesia usually cures itself over time and relaxing is the best thing to do right now. Over time you might start to remember some of these things but it might be a very slow process so don't be hard on yourself by trying to force the memories. It won't help" he says
"I need some air" she says grabbing her crutches and helping herself out of the room
"I should go after her" I say getting up and Hugo nods
I walk out the room and I see she's not gotten very far which is understandable since she's stood in front of a vending machine just down the hall. I make my way towards her and she turns to look at me.
"Hey" I say first
"Hi" she says back before turning back to the vending machine and just staring at it
"Do you want a snack?"
"I don't have any money" she says turning to me and I chuckle
"It sounds weird coming from you" I say and she raises a brow, not following "you know, cause you're rich and all" I say
"Oh I see" she says dryly and I clear my throat
I guess now is not the appropriate time for jokes.
"I have some money, I'll buy some for you" I say and she nods
"Bring them outside then, when you have them" she says before limping away down the hall and I can't help but roll my eyes
"She didn't even say please" I mumble under my breath before selecting a few snacks and inserting my money, the snacks dropping down.
I pack them and follow after her quickly, ending up outside where I see her sat on a bench, looking down at her slippers and wriggling the toes of her uninjured foot.
"Hey" I say, coming to sit next to her and she doesn't even turn and just lets out a breath
"Are you okay?"
"I'm trying to be" she says "I'm trying to be cool with the fact that I can't remember 5 years of my life" she turns to look at me
"I really can't remember anything, I have tried thinking of significant days like birthdays, New years or Christmas but I can't remember, it's just gone" she says with a frown
"I have a daughter I don't even remember having or raising, I have a job I don't remember getting, I have friends I don't remember making, relationships I don't remember building, it's all just..." She takes a breath as her voice breaks and she goes to wipe under her eyes
"I'm sorry" I say taking her hand in mine and she looks down at her feet, using her other hand to wipe her eyes clear of the gathering tears which she obviously did not want me to see
"It's not your fault" she says quietly
"And it's not yours either. I know it must be so difficult for you right now but I want you to be strong for me, okay? I promise it will be fine and I'm going to be here every step of the way" I say and she brings her eyes to meet mine
"Whatever happens, Hugo and I are here for you. Your family, friends, we're all here for you so don't think for a second that you're alone in this and that you have to suffer through this alone cause you don't" I continue
"You don't remember who you were in the past 5 years but I do know who you were in the 6 months we've been together and let me tell you, you're amazing, smart, kind, confident and in my eyes? You're perfect. Simply perfect and that is never going to change"
"Are you flirting with me?" She asks and just like that, the sad ambiance drops as my brows raise
"What?"
"You weren't? Okay go on then" she says and I laugh
"You're crazy" I say and she smiles, happy she'd accomplished her mission of moving away from the depressing topic.
I know her enough to know she'd used that as a sort of diversion and to let out the sadness in the air.
"A little" she says and I shake my head at her, looking down at our intertwined fingers
"So who are you to me? What relationship do we have that I have forgotten about?" She asks and I bring my eyes up to meet hers
"Who am I to you?" I ask and she nods
"A friend. I'm a friend" I say
"Really?" She asks and I nod
"Were we really close? Me and you" she asks and I smile
"As close as close can get" I say and she smiles back
"I'm glad. I can see why though, you give me really good vibes" she says and I chuckle
"Is that why you were not weirded out when I first came to your room? You even asked me to watch TV with you" I say and she shrugs
"I guess you just seemed familiar. I'm glad we actually have known each other before cause then we'd have had to be friends from scratch" she chuckles
"I'm glad we know each other too" I smile and she sighs before placing her head on my shoulder
"Why didn't you tell me yesterday that I'd lost my memories? You just asked if I remembered you and said nothing else" she says
"I thought it'd be better if you heard from a professional and it's not something I'd like to say. That you've forgotten all about me" I say quietly, looking down at my hands and she says nothing and I don't either
"Are you single?" She asks after some silence
"Hm?"
"Are you dating someone?" She asks more clearly
"Um...I guess not right now" I say and I see her smile
"Cool, that's great" she says and I chuckle
"It's great?" I ask and she nods "Why were you asking?"
"Nothing, just curious" she says, grabbing one of the bags of chips on my leg and opening it
"Okay Miss Zilkaya" I say and she chuckles, putting the bag in front me, wordlessly asking me to share the bag with her even though there's others and I smile
"Thank you"
"It's okay" she says quietly
"It's okay" I repeat under my breath
____
"Talk to her" I mouth to Dallas who is stood awkwardly by the door and staring at Nelinha who Dorothy had brought to the hospital 20 minutes ago
"Um..." she clears her throat "Hey" she says with a small smile and Nelinha says nothing and just holds on to me
So apparently Dallas's first meeting with Nelinha after waking up ended with her accidentally hitting her in fright and now Nelinha is scared of her cause she has a mother who doesn't recognize her and who hit her.
"Go on" I say to Dallas who nods, clearing her throat again for the hundredth time
"Um...I must have scared you the other time right?" She asks and Nelinha says nothing and so she continues
"I'm really sorry about that. I didn't mean to you know? hit you but you were screaming mummy and came to hug me suddenly so I got a bit frightened and accidentally hit you while turning. I really didn't see you cause I had my back to you and I got scared"
"I was going to apologize but you ran away so..." Dallas chuckles before stopping and clearing her throat when Nelinha does not even crack a smile
"But um...I'm sorry" she finishes
"Does mummy remember me now?" Nelinha asks, looking at me, her voice a quiet whisper and I clear my throat, wondering how I should explain this to her
"Um...not yet but she will soon so forgive her now okay?" I whisper back and she frowns, tears filling her eyes
"Why does she not remember me? Is something wrong with mummy? Is she sick?" She asks sobbing
"I think you made her cry" Dallas says awkwardly and I turn to her
"Come pacify her then"
"Me?" She asks with a frown
"Yes you. You're still her mum, you know?" I say and she takes a breath
"Right, I'm her mum and she's my daughter" she says making no move to approach Nelinha and I give her a look
"I'm coming, I just..." she rubs her hands on her hospital pants before using her crutches to come over to the bed and she pulls a chair to the bed so she's sat in front of Nelinha
"Hey" she says first and Nelinha just starts crying even more making Dallas turn to me
"Maybe you should talk to her instead?" She asks
"Dallas"
"Okay okay" she says before turning to Nelinha again
"Hi love" she says pulling a smile onto her face "Why are you crying? Because of me?" She asks and Nelinha just stares at her
"Are you upset with me?" She asks again, bringing her thumb to wipe Nelinha's tears "I'm sorry I hit you before"
"Mr Hugo says you don't remember me. Monroe said that too" Nelinha says in between sobs and Dallas just stares at her before opening her mouth to speak
"Um...Nelinha, do you know how sometimes you don't remember where you kept something? Or how when you are asked about someone, you sometimes can't remember them even though you know them?" She asks and Nelinha nods
"Well right now, I can't really remember a lot of people but it doesn't mean I won't eventually remember cause you always end up remembering when you forget right?" She asks and Nelinha nods again
"Good so just be patient with me okay? And even though I don't really remember, it doesn't change the fact that I am still your mum okay? And I love you a lot" she says and I smile
"Really?" Nelinha asks, now no longer crying
"Of course baby. I love you always" Dallas smiles wiping the tears on Nelinha's cheeks
"I love you too mummy"
"I know" Dallas smiles before placing a kiss to her forehead
"Don't cry okay? I'll be really sad if you're upset because of me" she says and Nelinha nods
"That's a good girl. How about we go buy more snacks? You want candy?" Dallas asks and Nelinha grins, nodding
"Let's send Hugo instead and watch TV while we wait" she says and Nelinha giggles
"Okay" she says and Dallas nods before looking at me and I give her a thumbs up, making her smile
"I'm awesome, I know" she says and I laugh
"A little" I say and she laughs before turning back to Nelinha
____
"You told her that and now she thinks you are just friends?" Hugo asks and I nod
"Why did you tell her you were just friends though? Isn't this a chance to..."
"Be with her?" I complete
"Well yeah"
"I know but it feels like I'd be forcing her into loving me. She doesn't even remember me, telling her I'm something more is making her duty bound to conjure up some feelings she'd lost along with her memories for me" I say
"But..."
"She's not going anywhere. Rather than anything else, we should focus on helping her get back her memories. Once she does then it'll all be okay and then we can focus on our being together" I say and he nods
"That makes sense" he says
"I know, I said it"
"How cocky"
"I learnt from the best" I say, looking over at the door of Dallas's ward and he chuckles "Besides we've been through so much together, so much that it had torn us apart a couple times, I really don't mind having a fresh start with her"
"Right" he says "But I still think its a bad idea. Dallas and lies don't go very well, she'll be so upset when she finds out"
"I'm sure she'll understand my reason. Look I can't explain it but I think this is best for now" I say and he sighs
"Fine but don't say I did not warn you. More than any other vice, lying is the one she hates the most but if you feel confident in your reason for lying, that's okay" he says and I frown
"Look at you acting like a saint as though you did not lie about the accident and make me lie with you" I say
"Yeah but mine was for a good cause. You know how crazy she is, if she finds out you and Nelinha were in the accident with her and she was the one driving, she'd worry and blame herself forever and I don't think that's what she needs right now when she's still healing" he says
"Whatever. A lie is a lie" I say and he rolls his eyes
"Lets just agree to tell her the truth soon enough, okay? When things are more...regular" he says and I nod
"Sounds good"
"Yeah. You think she's awake?"
"Probably, we could go check" I say and we walk over to her door, peering into the square glass of her door and I smile when I see her just looking down at Nelinha with a smile, her thumb brushing her cheek lightly as the five year old slept
She had pure admiration on her face. A smile I'd seen many times when Nelinha had come to LA the other time.
Whether with her memories or not, she obviously fancied her.
"She loves that little girl" Hugo says and I turn to him, a smile on my face as I see him peering in too
"She does"
"I hope this is over soon and she gets her memories back within the week" he says and I nod
"Me too" I say before opening the door and Dallas looks up at us
"Hey" I say walking in with Hugo
"Hey" she says back, a smile on her lips "I found a great show we could watch" she says
"Really?" I ask and she nods, grabbing the remote and changing the channel as I come to sit down on the chair beside the bed and Hugo goes to lay on the couch at the corner
I smile when I see two broke girls come on. I wonder if she remembers us watching this together.
(Fuck off, I know two broke girls is cancelled)
Probably not.
"I really like this Max person" she says, her eyes glued to the screen
"Because she's pretty endowed?" I ask and she turns to me
"With boobs yes, how did you know?" She asks and I shrug
"Just a feeling" I say and a grin falls on her lips while Hugo laughs quietly to himself
"I like you Monroe, you understand me" she says, a French accent slipping through her lips and I smile
"I try to" I say and she smiles
"I'll catch up and figure you out too. Really soon" she says firmly
"Why does that sound like a challenge?"
"Sorry, I'm just really competitive. I don't know why it came out like that" she says and I laugh, shaking my head at her
"Dallas, Dallas, Dallas" I say and she smiles
"Do you like my name?"
"Yeah, it's pretty"
"You're pretty" she says back and I stare at her
How on earth is she giving the same replies she has before? It's hard to believe she doesn't remember anything but I guess losing her memories does not change her personality, she's still Dallas and would respond the way Dallas would.
"I think you're the one who thinks I'm pretty. Look at you drooling over me and staring nonstop" she says teasingly and I laugh
"You're right"
"I am, aren't I?"
"Definitely" I say and she smiles before turning back to the screen
"Come on, we're missing good parts" she says and I nod before turning to the screen, silence falling between us with the TV being the only sound and I let out a quiet and content sigh.
It's not all good but it'll be okay.
I know it.
_____
Have you all got a problem with the update schedule? Cause some of you are texting me about this.
Is once a week too little? You want it twice a week? Huh?
If you do then I can try updating twice a week, just tell me what days you'd prefer
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Byeeeeeeeeee