trigger warning: discussion of panic attacks and sexual assault
riley awkwardly trailed behind jj as the followed him into the house. the pair passed kiara and pope in the living room and jj didn't even glance up to look at them. riley kept her eyes ahead of her and didn't dare to look over at her sister either.
"don't." she heard pope whisper to kiara who was just amount to open her mouth to make a remark about the two.
once the pair arrived in jj's room riley shut the door behind them and watched as jj climbed onto the bed, resting his head onto a pillow. he faced the ceiling and covered his face with his hands.
"why are you still standing?" he uncovered his eyes to look over at the girl who hadn't yet lied down beside him.
"oh i.... i didn't know if..." she stammered.
"riley," jj said bluntly, giving the girl a teasing look.
"sorry," she mumbled and lowered herself onto the spot next to him. she turned onto her side as did he so they could both look at each other. their eyes connected and they both just laid their wordlessly.
"i don't wanted to be treated like i'm fragile," jj said, "like i'm going to break again any second."
"i know the feeling," riley sympathized.
"yeah?" jj questioned.
"yeah," riley mumbled. "kiara may hate me but that's how she treats me after i have a panic attack."
jj rolled over so that he was laying on his back again and he looked up at the ceiling. his adams apple bobbed as he swallowed, his throat dry from sobbing earlier.
"do- do you wanna talk about how you're feeling?" riley asked. a small grin started to spread across jj's face at the girl's words and riley's cheeks began to blush as he let out a soft chuckle. "sorry i just-"
"no it's okay," jj cut the girl off. "i'm just not sure if anyone's ever asked me if i wanted to talk about my feelings." he let out a soft laugh again as if what he had said was something funny. riley only chewed at the inside of her cheek as she felt a sadness overwhelm her from his words.
jj took a deep breath before he began. "i think i just feel embarrassed."
"embarrassed?"
"yeah i mean i was a mess out there; in front of you, and kiara, and pope. and all because of my freaking dad. i mean, i'm scared of my own fucking father. how much does that say about me," jj said.
"jj," riley breathed out. she reached out to grab the boy's hand that had been lying on top of his chest. she kept it where it was, just interlocking her fingers with his. "don't ever feel like you are any less of a person because of your fears. if anything, you are so much more brave because of them, because of what you've been through."
"it's not even just my father," jj went on. "he's just... he's like the face of my fear, if that even makes sense. i'm afraid of disappointing people because of him, i'm afraid of losing someone because he blames losing my mother on me... that probably sounds stupid, i-i'm not really sure how to put it into words."
"it's like he trigger's all those bad thoughts and feelings, right?" riley asked, softly.
"yeah," jj whispered. "yeah, it's just like that."
"trigger's are hard to stop. i mean you can just hear something or look at someone and they cause the fear and panic to arise almost instantly. that's how you feel?" riley asked.
he nodded in response and turned his head so he could face her again, "how'd you know that?"
"you aren't alone in feeling this way jj, trust me," riley breathed out. "i understand exactly what you're saying... a lot more than you'd think."
"can you tell me about it?" jj asked her, "about how you feel? only if your comfortable with it of course."
"i don't want to make this about me," riley said. "i want to make sure you're okay and that you get everything out that you'd like to talk through."
"if you're comfortable with telling me then i'd like to hear your story," jj whispered. "i think that'd help me not feel alone. i've never had a panic attack like that before and it just didn't feel normal, it felt like i was going insane."
"it is normal," she reassured him, "everyone just feels and deals with trauma in a different way. are you sure you want me to talk now?" jj nodded, confirming what she had asked once again.
"okay um..." riley began, and took a deep breath before she continued. "i'm afraid of storms, as i'm pretty sure you're aware of; but, just as you had described earlier, the storms act as a face for a deeper fear. they trigger a memory i have of something that happened to me in the past.
"i'm not really sure how to talk about this because i never really have before. i don't know how to say it in an easy way either so i'm just going to tell you straightforward what i experienced.
"when i was twelve i was sexually assaulted while on a vacation with my family. no one could hear my cause for help because of the volume of the storm that was going on at the time," riley closed her eyes shut as she swallowed harshly. jj squeezed her hand tight to reassure her that he was there, that he would still be there whenever she decided to continue.
"ever since then the storms have brought back that memory over and over again. the only thing that brings comfort to me when i start to panic, is knowing that kiara is home and that she's safe, and nothing like what happened to me will happen to her."
there was only a few seconds of silence after riley had finished speaking before jj had pulled the girl towards his body and wrapped his arms around her frame.
"you are so strong," he whispered against her hair. "i'm so sorry that you had to go through that."
"you're not alone jj," she said after taking in his warmth and calming herself down. "we're all here for you."
"and you're not either," jj spoke, "we got you now. promise."
the pair just held each other tighter as the appreciated one another's presence. riley felt at peace as she listen to jj's heartbeat underneath where her head lay on his chest.
"i needed this," she whispered into his shoulder.
"needed what?" he asked.
"a talk like this."
"me too," he agreed, and rested his cheek on top of her head as he let his eyes drift closed.
authors note:
i want to change my gifs on all of my chapters so they are all the same size and look uniform. i'm worried ab the amount of notifications ppl will get that have this book in their libraries though.
lmk ur thoughts/ if you'd be ok with me doing that