The day was scratching at her skin and Josie was desperate for it to stop, restless in the house as multiple attempts of distracting herself failed. She had Saturdays off, but the boys didn't, and so Josie was left alone in the house trying to find ways to occupy herself before her thoughts took over and the desire to smother herself with a pillow being prominent. Cooking, cleaning her room, reorganizing her closet, trying to find a place of her own—none of it pulled her attention away from the mocking thoughts reminding her of the mess her drunken self had created the night before.
She'd been living in blissful ignorance the first few hours since she had woken up, groaning out of bed and dragging herself into the shower to get last night's stench off of her. Then out of nowhere, when she was in the living room enjoying the Wendy's she had gotten from Postmates, memories from last night began fluttering through her head and Josie had damn neared choked on her French fries when she was reminded of the things she had stupidly let slip to the last person she should've said them to.
Josie wanted to blame the alcohol—hell, she was even willing to blame Austin for putting her in the mood to drink after his annoying, uncalled for texts—but assigning blame wasn't going to take back the shit she had rambled. It replayed in her head like a bad dream she couldn't stop thinking about, and now all Josie wanted to do was some serious damage control and somehow talk herself out of it.
But how could she, when she knew she'd only been speaking the truth?
Calum hadn't been home when she'd woken up, which was somewhat strange since she'd woken up at eleven and he didn't have work until five. At first, Josie figured he went out for a run or the gym, but he'd never come back to the house and her stomach churned uneasily at the thought of him avoiding her. There was a chance she was jumping to conclusions, of course, but social media showed Calum at Ashton's place all day before heading to work and Josie didn't know what to think. A tiny part of her brain told her to stop overthinking, overreacting, but the majority of her was an expert in psyching herself out.
And with Calum—fuck, she never knew what to think.
Josie desperately wished things were easier, wished that her brain didn't cease all function when Calum was involved. She should see it as a sign to move on, to stop spending so much time and energy on a man who would be too complicated to be with—to stop focusing on boys in general. But moving on from Calum was easier said than done. One night with him, months ago, still played in her head like a favorite movie. And despite Josie getting back together with Austin just weeks after Calum had left, she ultimately broke up with him again for the same reasons as before—with the added issue of being unable to get Calum out of her head. He wasn't her brother's best friend anymore, and crossing that line was either Josie's biggest mistake or best decision.
Right now, it seemed to be teetering off to the former.
Gonna be home late tonight. Got a date. Don't wait up!!
Josie groaned at the text from Luke, removing her brother as a source of distraction for herself—not that Luke would serve well in that role. She would probably end up thinking about how terrible of a sister she was for more or less betraying Luke's trust when she hooked up with Calum. Not that that thought didn't already swim around in her head, particularly when she was in the house with both men—though it didn't happen much, given that they all worked and had different schedules. The universe wasn't totally against her.
But today, Josie was desperate for Calum to come home.
She had half a mind to show up to the bar, but Josie knew she'd only end up embarrassing herself. God knows what she'd look like popping up out of nowhere, demanding Calum that they talk about the shit she had said last night. She probably made enough of a fool of herself last night, but they still needed to talk about it. Enough pushing away, enough walking on egg shells and enough ill-advised drunken confessions. Clearing the air, once and for all, would help them either completely move on or take a step in a different direction.
Should she text him, ask him when he was coming home? No, no. Josie didn't want him to dread coming back, knowing she was waiting for him. It may give him even more of an excuse to keep avoiding her which, frankly, she knew he couldn't do forever but wanted to put an end to it as soon as she could.
It was around eleven that Josie heard the front door open, and as she went to the stairs, she silently prayed that it wasn't her brother. Reaching the steps, Josie felt her breath hitch in her throat at the sight of Calum entering the threshold, pulling his keys out and locking the door behind him. She gripped the bannister with her right hand as she slowly descended the stairs, even her soft footsteps catching Calum's attention as he looked up and met her gaze.
She saw the subtle sinking of his chest with the soft exhale he let out as she continued down. "Hey," Josie greeted, her voice sounded too loud in the quiet house.
His gaze never left hers, lips parting as he fisted his keys and returned slowly, "Hey." Calum's dark eyes went past her, up the stairs as he asked, "Luke home?"
"No," Josie answered, lightly clearing her throat as she reached the bottom of the steps. This weird hesitance between the two of them tensed Josie's muscles uncomfortably, knowing that it was her and her big fucking mouth's fault. But, God, she needed to clear the air. Frankly, Josie preferred it when Calum inconspicuously made jokes only the two of them understood rather than this awkwardness. "I think we should talk before he is, though."
At her words, she saw the resigned expression that befell across Calum's face, looking away with a quiet grunt, giving a shake of his head as he turned to the living room and began, "Josie—"
She was quick to follow him, eyebrows knitting together. "We can't just pretend last night didn't happen, Calum—not again."
"For fuck's sake, Josie, I'm not pretending it didn't happen," Calum breathed, the exasperation clear in his voice over the clinging of him dropping his keys in the ceramic bowl behind the two seater couch. He ran his hand over his head, rubbing at the back of his neck as he faced her once more and said, "I just need time to think."
Josie clenched her jaw briefly. "You had three months to think," she answered pointedly, catching the way his dark eyes flashed in realization. A sharp breath expelled past her lips, her exhaustion from this ordeal making itself known. With a raise of her eyebrow, she continued, "It should be more than enough time for you to decide on how you wanna handle this."
"Jesus." The word escaped him in another exasperated breath, looking away from Josie as he ran a hand down his face. She saw the clench of his jaw, the way his throat worked before he shook his head at her. "I thought we decided to never talk about it again, Jos."
Something stung in her chest, tightening almost unforgivingly as she gave an instant shake of her head. "No—you decided that for us," Josie told him firmly, noting the way her tone had Calum's eyebrows raising. "I only agreed because you seemed pretty set in your ways."
Calum's risen eyebrows were accompanied by his jaw slackening, incredulity coloring his features as he scoffed out, "Are you kidding me? I said that for both of our benefit."
She knew he had a point, but Josie was also pretty damn stubborn sometimes. "You said it because it was the easy way out," she shot back, arms crossing over her chest defiantly. The press of his lips told Josie she was on the right track. "It was easier to push that night to the back of your mind than actually acknowledge it."
It would be comical, the offense that flashed across Calum's features, if Josie wasn't so determined to see this conversation through—despite her own nerves tangling up. "You think I pushed it to the back of my mind?" Calum returned, the incredulity thick in his tone as he took a few steps towards her, eyebrows drawing together in annoyance. "How much of a dick do you think I am?" he demanded, voice dropping as it laced with anger.
Josie didn't back down, staring up at him as she scoffed almost humorlessly, "Why're you getting mad?"
Calum's broad shoulders instantly fell, expression relaxing as he closed his eyes and exhaled sharply. "I'm not mad," he said, his tone evidently falling calmer than before. When he opened his eyes, brown eyes meeting Josie's blue, she saw the emotions swimming in his dark irises. Turbulent, overwhelmed, desperate to be voiced. He looked down at her, almost defeated as he said quietly, "You've no idea how hard it is to keep myself from thinking 'bout you."
Her heart was pounding, his words tickling her veins and setting deep into her bones as she kept her gaze on him. Throat dry, Josie briefly bit the inside of her cheek before replying softly, "I think I've got a pretty good idea."
And, shit, she did. She knew exactly how hard it was—all she was capable of was think about Calum. About his smile and eyes and the way his lips moved so perfectly against hers and how his touch ignited a fire in her that was impossible to put out. A fire that was still burning from that one night all those months ago. Her body ached for him and how he seemed to know it so well, and Josie herself yearned for things between them to go back to the way they used to be.
A damn conundrum of wanting to be the kind of friends they were, but also craving him in a way that was well beyond that of a friendship. Was it so impossible to want both?
Calum's eyes were on hers, the soft glow of the lamp by the couch illuminating his features as he gazed at her. He no longer hid his emotions from his face, showing just how much this situation pressed him, like it did her, throat working at her words. With a resigned shake of his head, Calum spoke in a tone that carried his guilt as he said, "I never wanted to hurt you, Jos. I just have no idea what to do."
She could tell, so clearly, how much he meant that. Not knowing what the next step forward was weighing on his shoulders, just like it was for her. And Josie wished it wasn't that big of a deal, but she knew it was. Knew that between her being Luke's sister and Calum being his best friend, this was a relationship that they weren't really meant to pursue. But they'd already broken an unspoken rule that night in her dorm room, and if Josie was being painfully honest, the guilt of betraying Luke wasn't as strong as her growing feelings for Calum.
Throat working, some risky words danced at the tip of her tongue, and at this point, Josie decided she wasn't going to keep anything to herself. The only way to move forward with Calum was to be honest and hope he would reciprocate. One corner of her lips twitched into the subtlest, smallest smiles. "You know I'd... I'd never felt as content in any of my relationships than I did during that one night with you," she confessed, the depth of her words warming her cheeks as Calum's dark eyes remained locked with her blue. "And I know it's got a lot to do with the fact that we were already such good friends, and that you'd always been such an important part of my life. I don't—" Josie paused, taking a breath, noting the subtle yet encouraging raise of Calum's eyebrows that prompted her to finish gently, "I don't think it's wrong for us to want more."
Calum bit the corner of his lower lip, deeply taking Josie's words into consideration. How couldn't he? It wasn't a situation they could just jump into without giving it much thought. He let out a soft scoff, a ghost of a smirk on his lips before he carefully said, "It'd be pretty selfish of us."
"And risky," Josie agreed, voice quiet in the otherwise empty house as she puckered her lips briefly, all too aware of Calum's gaze on her. There was a twisting in her chest, a ball of lead made from self doubt settling in her stomach as she reluctantly added, "I don't have the best track record when it comes to relationships."
His jaw clenched briefly, chin lifting as he kept his gaze on hers. Then, in a promising, quiet tone, Calum said, "This time could be different."
You were supposed to be different.
Her drunken words echoed in her mind instantly, the breath catching in Josie's throat as she saw the sincerity in Calum's eyes. Those five words he'd uttered clearly told her he was willing to move in the same direction as her, unafraid of once again crossing the line they were already past despite the risks and selfishness. He wanted her as badly as she wanted him, finally giving into her drunken, but honest, words she had uttered the night before, giving into the desires that burned their veins for too long.
Josie felt the familiar flutter in her stomach accompanying the pounding of her heart, peering up at him as she asked, "Are you sure?"
A small voice in the back of her head told her to shut up, but Josie felt obligated to double, even triple, check with Calum. To give him an out if he needed it, even if he didn't know if he wanted it. It wasn't lost on either of them the tension and awkwardness a relationship between the two of them would bring to the respective relationships with Luke. Her brother, for as long as he had known the boys, had always made it a point to inform them how Josie was not someone they were allowed to mess around with. She was his sister and they were his best friends—he trusted them around her. And, God, Josie knew she and Calum were betraying that trust to the highest degree.
But with him in front of her, the faint scent of his cologne and cigarettes tickling her nose, his warm and alluring eyes pinning her in place—she knew her willpower in resisting him was diminishing by the second.
Still, she watched him with sharp, observant eyes, and Josie felt her heart sink to her stomach when she saw the hint of hesitation that flashed across Calum's eyes. She would be lying if she said she had expected him to give in right away and yet she wasn't surprised that there was some reluctance on his end.
Josie felt pathetic for the disheartening weight that settled on her chest, throat drying as she instantly looked away, downcast gaze heavy as she took a small step back. She wasn't able to look at Calum, feeling disappointed, sad, and embarrassed all at once as she instinctively began turning away, the sudden need to hide in her room taking over.
"Yeah, that's fine—" Josie muttered, her voice catching in her throat, trying and failing to downplay the knots in her stomach as she turned away from him.
It was fine. Yeah. She kept repeating it in her head. If Calum didn't want to be with her as badly as she wanted to be with him, if he was too worried about the risks and awkwardness, then she couldn't really blame him. She was asking him to risk a lifelong friendship he had with her brother—it would be selfish of her to think he would be so willing and ready to put that in jeopardy.
It hurt, more than she was prepared for. But it'd be fine. Maybe she had been wrong. Maybe her track record for wrong timing, wrong guys would stick for a little bit longer. Maybe Calum wasn't the one to break the seemingly never ending cycle.
She would accept it.
Or, at least, she would have tried if it weren't for Calum's hand suddenly grasping hers and before Josie could allow herself to comprehend what was happening, she was being spun around, the gasp that escaped her immediately silenced by Calum's lips finding hers.
Josie's instinct to melt into him was immediate, lips moving with his familiar and soft ones, her hands fisting his shirt as his found her face, cradling her jaw as his lips worked against hers. The nerves that had knotted Josie's stomach loosened and exploded in a flutter of excitement, leaning into him as Calum tilted his head, deepening the kiss and weakening her knees as she lost herself in the feel of him, in the taste of the mint gum he'd had to cover up the faint taste of the tobacco. It was a combination Josie didn't mind in the slightest.
She was breathless, weightless, kissing him and finally satiating the never ending craving she had for his touch and taste. Skin on fire, unable to have him close enough, Josie was losing herself in Calum quickly, unapologetically as every other thought flew out of her head and all her focus remained on him.
"I'm sure," Calum spoke against her lips, breathless with his nose brushing against hers and thumbs grazing along her cheeks. The rasp settled heavily in his voice, a plead falling from his kissed lips. "It's you—of course I'm sure."
Josie's heart jumped at his words, releasing a shaky breath at the revelation she had been waiting for. She couldn't bring herself to open her eyes, needing more than a moment to bask in the warmth of his confession as it settled deep in her bones. Calum was wrapped around her in a way she'd craved for so long; his scent, his words, his warmth. All doubt slipped away as he held her, keeping her close, and the ball of anxiety that had been sitting in Josie's stomach disappeared as Calum brushed his lips against hers.
"We'll figure it out," Calum said, the reassurance in his voice prompting Josie to tighten her grip on his shirt. She didn't mean to add wrinkles to it, but all she could do was hold onto Calum like a lifeline. "How this'll work, how we'll tell Luke—we'll figure it out, Jos." He pulled away just a bit so his brown eyes could lock with her blue, and she noted the hint of worry drawing his eyebrows together as he asked, "But are you—"
"Alright with keeping it a secret until then?" Josie knowingly finished, watching as Calum pressed his lips together as he scoffed in quiet amusement. Still, he nodded and Josie pulled her lower lip into her mouth, not missing the way Calum's eyes tracked the movement. His hands felt warm on her face, his touch enough to melt her as she loosened her grip on his shirt and smoothed out the wrinkles she'd caused. Calum patiently waited for her answer, though it wasn't one she needed to consider.
She agreed with him to keep things between them a secret, knew it was because it was the reasonable thing to do until they figured out how to tell Luke and not because either of them were embarrassed to be together. The thought itself seemed ridiculous. "Yeah, I'm fine with it," Josie answered with a small nod, a smile upturning her lips as Calum's eyebrows raised ever so slightly. Then her smile turned coy, teasing, pressing herself into his solid chest and keeping her blue eyes on his brown as she hummed, "Sneaking around will be fun."
Calum's lips curled into a smirk as he gently thumbed at her chin, giving a gentle shake of his head as he mused, "How'd I know you'd be excited for that?"
"Hey, it's either be excited or be anxious, and I choose the former," Josie told him with a light laugh, though the nerves that crept in her voice were present as she dropped her gaze to the chain he wore around his neck.
"Hey, it'll be fine, yeah?" Calum immediately assured, ducking his head to meaningfully meet her gaze once more.
She adored him for wanting to make her feel better, and she hated herself for once again, so easily, letting her worries overtake her. "Do you think Luke's gonna be pissed?" Josie questioned, holding her breath as she lifted her gaze to meet Calum's. "Like, really pissed?"
"I don't know, if I'm being honest with you," Calum replied with a sigh, hands dropping from Josie's face to wind his arms around her waist to keep her close. She watched him look up for a moment, took in the way his throat worked before he looked back down at her with a raised eyebrow. "You really think he's gonna wanna punch me?"
Josie knew, right away, he was referring to what she had said to him a while back, and despite the nerves churning her stomach, she let out a soft laugh. "No—Luke's not a violent guy, you know that."
Calum hummed unconvincingly, face scrunching briefly. "I think him finding out one of his buddies is with his sister might change that."
Josie smiled, pushing down her nerves because Calum's own smile had her skin warming. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she let her fingers play with his growing hair at the back of his head as she playfully replied, "I can protect you."
He clicked his tongue, amusement dancing in his dark eyes as he jokingly pursed his lips at her. "You don't even reach his neck, sweetheart, but I appreciate the sentiment."
Josie scoffed, pushing away from him as Calum's grin widened, crinkles deepening in the corners of his eyes as her playful tone took a sarcastic turn. "Fine, defend yourself, see if I care."
Easily keeping his grip on her, Calum held Josie close as he smiled down at her, noting the way the corners of her lips fought to hide her own growing smile as he nudged his nose against hers. The smile he wore, then, lessened as a serious expression settled on Calum's features. "Listen—if this gets too much for you, if you start to feel weird 'bout this and hiding from Luke, you talk to me, alright? Let me know so I can make it better."
His words, the sentiment, was endearingly sweet as it had Josie's heart swelling in her chest and a warmth spreading across her cheeks. She couldn't keep the smile off her face as she peered up at him, teasingly lightly, "I feel weird all the time—so, y'know, be careful what you wish for."
He smirked, a boyish glint in his dark eyes that Josie could never get enough of as he smoothly returned, "Got you, didn't I?"