can you see me? i'm waiting for the right time
i can't read you, but if you want, the pleasure's all mine can you see me using everything to hold back?
***
Vada
//
As soon as we pull into the empty parking lot of the old motel, the engine kills in front of room four and suddenly I'm back home from a long weekend.
With blurry vision I glanced over at the bruised boy next to me. Outgrown hair falls at the sides of his face as he lights up yet another cigarette like he couldn't get enough.
I felt sick from the fast car ride as Harry drove over the speed limit and swerved around any cars on the highway that were going too slow for him. Tobacco smoke fills the car and I have to open the door to let myself out before I let the smell get me sick.
My Doc Martens are heavy on my feet as they touch the gravel and still no words are exchanged between us. But I don't really care for conversation with the boy who never speaks, and instead I'm more focused on trying not to throw up.
I move slowly as I shut the heavy car door, and trouble follows after me, eyeing me almost with concern. But instead of saying anything he lets me turn my back to him to head towards my house.
It was almost five a.m, and I needed to get to my bed and crash, before my grandma woke up and caused a scene.
I hear sneakers on the gravel behind me just as I almost trip and fall over my own two feet. His large hands grab onto my sides so I don't fall face first on the ground. "You're a mess." he holds me up and I meet with his blacked out green.
"You're no better." I state truthfully and he doesn't disagree as he stands me upwards so our chests are touching.
I inhale faded cologne and fresh laundry soap, mixed with tobacco. But instead of it making me sick this time, it only makes me wanna pull him closer.
"It's just who I am, I can't help it." He moves hair out of my eyes "you're not supposed to be the same, remember?" he asks like he already knows.
But no, he doesn't know. He doesn't know anything about me, just like he won't let me know anything about him. It's not fucking fair— I will not let him walk all over me like that.
"For someone who acts like they don't give a shit about anything, you do a good job of paying attention." my head pounds and I'm too tired to have another conversation like this with him.
Harry leans in and our noses are almost touching, and I almost stop breathing at his closeness, and the fact that his hands are still on me.
"We've both got things we don't say out loud, and I know you drink them away so you don't suffer." His words almost make me stop breathing.
"I pay attention to the similarities, and you're just like me, pretty girl." he smirks.
Hearing his words is like being naked in front of a crowd, and I hate him for continuing to think he knows. He doesn't know, nobody knows. He's a mother fucking—
"You don't know shit—"
I go to push him away but he grabs onto my upper arms. "Don't hurt yourself, sweetheart." he says like he cares but it's far from it and it's malicious.
"Let me take you to your room, before you pass out in your driveway." he suggests, forgetting about any words he said before and I hope I can too.
I'm too nauseous and dizzy to fight with him, or say anything else for that matter, so I let him drag me towards my dark sleeping house.
We get past the front door and my head is spinning by the time we quietly stumble up the creaky stairs and down the hall to my bedroom. I'm thankful to have made it alive and I also hate to say that I'm thankful for the help too because I probably would have passed out in my driveway without him.
I lay back on my bed and it comforts me but my body is still buzzing and the world doesn't stop turning.
"Wow," I hear him murmur and I see his eyes on my bookshelves. "that's a lot of fucking books."
Two large bookshelves were at the back of my wall and surrounding them were filled boxes I couldn't fit on the shelves. I had been collecting books since I was little and some titles I haven't even picked up but others I knew the words and pages like the back of my hand.
"I like to read," I watch as he moves towards the shelves, eyes scanning the book covers. His fingers trace the spines just like I've done so many times.
"No shit," I hear the smirk in his voice as his back faces me. "you literally have your own fucking library." he glances over his shoulder as I sit up to look at him, leaning on my elbows.
"Most of them were my mother's books from when she was little. But I've collected my own, mostly from thrift stores and garage sales." I explain as my eyes drift closed, and I lean back on my soft mattress.
My mind drifts and I start to remember sunny days in Portland, biking with many books in my basket.
Books were something that kept me company when I was lonely. I used them to escape from the world around me, and I liked to imagine myself as the characters between the pages. I liked to imagine myself in a different world, a better world.
"You've read all of them?" I hear him ask as his footsteps creak on my floorboards.
"Not all, but most" I answer with my eyes still closed. "I mostly enjoy the romance ones," I share with him because I'm drunk and this will be something I'll forget in the morning.
With my legs hanging down the side of my bed I feel my boot-covered foot being lifted, and I then open my eyes through darkness. The bright motel sign from outside shines through my window like it always has, and I watch Harry gently unite my heavy boot as it rests on his thigh.
"It's all sort of unpredictable, don't you think?" I hear him ask as I watch him carefully.
"What is?"
"A girl who doesn't believe in romance, loves to read about it." he murmurs "I don't really understand you sometimes, Vada Evans." he looks up for a moment meeting my eyes. Green eyes watch me like I watch him.
I smile lazily, barely being able to keep my eyes open. "You never really understand me, that's the whole point." I told him. He blinks at my smile like he knows I'm right before he's looking away again.
"I understand that you're a lightweight on whiskey," he gives me his own smile, as it curves on his face and sends skips to my heartbeat. I can't help mine either.
"Shut up," The heaviness in my head from trying to keep up with his band mates was a lesson well learned.
He doesn't meet my eyes anymore as he drops the black boot onto the floor next to my bed, and moves to my other foot doing the same action. Wrapping his long fingers over my ankle he takes my foot off of his leg, and it drops to the floor again.
He looks at me now like what he did was no big deal, but for some reason it warms me up.
"Thank you," I close my eyes because I can't take the tiredness of them. "I suppose I have to return the favor now." I whisper.
I feel the bed shift from next to me, and I open my eyes again, seeing Harry sitting on my purple flower designed comforter. He looks out of place in my room, his grunge not fitting in with my fairy lights and soft pillows. But that was just us, because we would never mesh right together.
"You do enough," he says in a whisper and I realize it's his way of saying thank you.
The bed shifts again as I close my eyes and hear footsteps head towards my locked door. I then realize his room keys are locked away in the motel office. I don't know why, but he still gave them back to me after I said he could keep them.
"You can stay," I stop him without opening my eyes before he can even touch the doorknob. "Just be out before my grandma catches you." I barely open again as he turns and crosses his arms.
"You keep breaking rules for me," he states as he approaches me again and I slowly sit up again so I can crawl under my covers. "Why?" he questions.
I lay my head down on my pillow feeling all of the energy drain out of me as the boy who says I ask too many questions, starts and I can't keep up, at least not tonight.
"Cause it's our deal." I barely whisper out before I have nothing in me to say another word.
I hear "You're growing on me, V." before I'm completely gone to the world and in the deepest sleep.
The boy who is warming up to me, falls asleep on my bedroom floor, and is up before the sun rises because it's our deal and he doesn't lie.
Lie.
***
Next Friday is like the last few weeks.
Front row at the boys' concert, Li and I cheer like the diehard fans we are, and I try not to let the obvious stare of green eyes perk up lazy butterflies the entire time.
He catches my eyes in the lights, across the crowd and it's something I can only see.
Ever since letting him sleep on my floor, we haven't spoken but I always catch his lingering stare on me that's almost challenging. I don't know what he's playing at, but mischief always has something up.
After the show, I sat on the back of Zayn's car with Juliet. She drinks out of a cup filled with rum, and I eat skittles out of the palm of my hand. The boys are in front of us in the crowded parking lot, surrounded by their new fans, as they ask for autographs and gush over them.
With calm and easy going expressions, it was like it was normal for the boys to have so many girls obsessed with them. They already seemed like professionals at this point.
But Juliet's obviously uncomfortable with how touchy they get towards her boyfriend, and we watch as he signs some girls' breast. I snorted in laughter but she didn't find it the least bit funny.
"Lighten up Li, you're the one who gets to have him all to yourself at the end of the night." I nudge her shoulder and steal the cup of rum from her hands.
She side eyes me and then smirks. "Oh I know, that's why I'm not over there right now scratching their ugly eyes out." she says and I roll my eyes with a smile on my face.
"He's lucky he's talented. They all are." she says looking at the lot of them.
I watch as the band laughs, and converses with the giggling girls, eating all of their attention up. Then my eyes go to the lead singer, and the one who never smiles or seems to be interested in talking to anybody is doing the exact opposite tonight.
He seemed to be in a good mood for once. His dimple on his left cheek shows as he smirks at one girl specifically. I can't see his eyes because they're covered with his black ray bands even though it's night time.
He leans down and whispers something in the girls ear, and I can see from here as she smiles and blushes at whatever he says to her. His head lifts slightly, and I know his eyes are on me now even if I can't see them.
Purple-blue covers a spot on his left cheekbone, and his lip is busted. His bruises never go away, because there's always new ones.
But no one ever questions it because well, he's Harry, and who would ever think to do such a thing?
I give him a blank stare back, and trouble sends a secret smirk my way. Then the perfect girl from before is pulling at his arm and his attention goes back to her.
I'm tipsy from rum when the boys finally break free from the crowd of fans. With my head light, Niall approaches us first with the boys trailing after him, his eyes are bloodshot and his smile is lazy.
"You girls want my autograph too? I can sign anywhere you like." He wiggles his eyebrows with a smirk.
Juliet and I both roll our eyes, and she jumps off the car pushing past him to wrap her arms around Zayn, who catches her waist as she presses her lips on his and pulls back with a smile.
"You were crazy amazing." she praises him.
Zayn smiles, kissing her again, adoration, and love flashing in his eyes, and I can tell he means it when he says "I fuckin' love you."
I swat Niall's hand away as he tries to mark my arm with permanent ink but he grabs my arm again and I decide not to fight him this time.
Standing below me as I sit on the trunk of Zayn's car still, Niall stands next to my legs with his back facing me. I feel him writing something as he snickers to himself, and I stretch my head to see what it is.
RIP HOT CHOCOLATE '90
Laughing at the words written just below my wrist, I take the marker from him. Grabbing his arm now too I try to find a blank spot that's not already covered in real tattoo ink and find one almost just below the wrist where mine is.
"It's only right that we have matching ones," I look up at him facing me now, as his arm rests on my lap, and I write the same words. "We were the parents." I smile.
Niall smiles back, his perfectly white straight teeth showing. "Yes, dear." he agrees sarcastically.
Harry approaches with Louis next to him, the two laughing about something. I notice Harry's eyes land on me and Niall as I finish writing the fake tattoo on his arm before he looks away again.
"I think I'll actually get this tatted," Niall says with his eyes on his covered wrist "and it's only right you get a matching one." he smirks repeating my words.
I smirked back, eyes focused on my writing. "In your dreams, Horan."
"I heard there was a party down the road." Louis speaks up loudly as he approaches us.
"Right let's celebrate, I need a fuckin' drink." Niall says as I finish the fake tattoo and we compare our wrists.
"Niall you're already drunk, how many more could you need?" Juliet rolls her eyes from next to Zayn.
"As many as it takes to drown out the sound of your annoying voice, love." Niall smiles sweetly at her. Li flips him off. "What about you, sunshine?" he then eyes me.
I shrug and hop off the car "I'm down." I say and everyone else agrees.
Zayn's arm is around Juliet, and I'm on Niall's back as we walk out of the parking lot with envious eyes from the crowd of girls, and I was really feeling like I belonged somewhere for once.
The house party is like every other one I've been to since knowing the band, and luckily I was starting to get used to them. Not enjoying them, just getting used to them.
As I'm sitting on one of the counters in the crowded kitchen, I hold a plastic cup filled with brandy and coke slowly sipping it. Juliet stands next to me, the same bored look on her face as we watch the boys in front of us pass around a joint and trash talk with each other.
When I'm just about to tell Juliet how over this party I am, a familiar girl group arrives and I remember them from the beach.
"Well, if it isn't the famous rock stars." Sabrina smiles.
Tall and tan, the most perfect and popular girl in town struts in with her two followers after her. Blonde hair is long over her shoulders, lips are painted red, and her smile is silly as she eyes the boys.
The boys look amused as the girls close in around the kitchen. I feel Juliet tense from next to me in annoyance, as one of the girls stands a little too close to her boyfriend.
"Well, if it isn't the sluts." Niall says back with a laugh and the rest of the boys snicker.
"Kind of a dull celebration after such a great show though, don't you think?" Sabrina stands by Harry now as he leans against the counter with the joint hanging from his lips.
He looks down at her with a bored expression clearly uninterested by the way her eyes shine at him. With a blank expression his eyes rank down her figure as he blows out the smoke in her face and then smirks almost condescendingly at the girl.
"And how would you know? You weren't even there." His voice is duller than his faded eyes.
Sabrina rolls her eyes and takes the joint from his fingertips. "I'm sure it was as great as everyone says it was." she shrugs, taking a drag from the joint.
Harry scoffs and gives her another bored look before looking away as his eyes meet mine across the kitchen.
The air is smoke clouded and the conversation continues between the group. But I don't really pay attention to Niall's flirty comments towards one of the girls or Louis' story about what happened earlier on stage.
Green eyes capture mine and it's the only thing I can focus on. His eyes tell me something his words could never and I know he keeps secrets behind them.
Then I watched as a perfect manicured hand runs up his tattooed arm and the blonde whispers something in his ear.
His eyes are still on mine as whatever she says makes him smirk and he takes a swig out of his beer bottle. The desperate girl keeps trying with him but his attention is fully mine as he keeps dark eyes locked and loaded on mine. I give him an unimpressed look and can't help my own smirk.
Between our stare down and my lack of interest in whatever game he's playing at it somehow edges him on more. Because then I watch as his eyes suddenly go from mine and back at the girl who's clinging onto him with a lot more interest than before.
A smirk spreads across his face as her hand goes from his arm to his chest, ranking it down his shirt covered torso. He leans down and whispers something in her ear making her smirk and it's just like his.
Suddenly my arm is tugged and I look away watching as Juliet gets my attention now. "Vada, there's Benny." she says looking as he walks in and his eyes land on us.
A smile spreads across the tall boy's face as he moves across the kitchen. "Hey," he says from next to me.
I smile back. "Hey,"
"Come here all alone, Ben?" Juliet takes a drag from her cigarette.
Benny shrugs, shoving his hands in his jean pockets. "Nah, Jackson is around here somewhere." he says, mentioning a kid we all used to go to school with.
"No Michael tonight?" I ask him and his eyebrows drop.
"Michael left for army training last week," he says and I look at Juliet who's just as confused as I am. "You guys didn't know?" he asks and we shake our heads.
"No, that shit head didn't tell me he was even considering the army, when the hell was that decided?" Juliet asks, sounding annoyed.
"Like a year ago I guess, I dunno." Benny shrugs, scratching his neck. "I'm sure he probably thought you already knew, that's why he didn't say anything." Brown eyes are sympathetic.
Juliet rolls her eyes. "Right," she turns her head towards her boyfriend who is laughing with Louis. "I'm tired of this shit, I'm gonna see if Zayn wants to go yet." She walks away leaving me and Benny alone now.
He leans against the counter from next to me. "Are you having any fun?" he asks, looking up at me.
I shrug, twirling the liquid around in my cup. "Not really, it's kind of a dull party." I say honestly.
Benny nods, looking around the kitchen. "I didn't even know Sabrina knew those guys." he says, eyes landed on the girl who feeds off of attention.
I look over and watch as Sabrina is sat up on the counter tops with Harry standing between her legs and leaning in close. His back is facing me but I can see as the blonde takes a drag from a joint and then leans in blowing it into his mouth.
I look away and shrug leaning my back against the counters behind me. "I guess Sabrina knows everyone." I roll my eyes while taking another drink of the bitter liquid.
"I guess you're right," Ben agrees, looking at me with those kind eyes he always has and I realize they're nothing like the ones across the kitchen.
"Wanna go outside? I can barely breathe in here." he offers with a curve of his lips.
Since Juliet is now laughing with Zayn as he has his arms around her I know she changed her mind about leaving anytime soon. So I agree to go with Ben, and don't say a word as I leave the kitchen.
Sat on the porch steps in the random backyard, the night summer air is warm as I'm laughing with Benny and feel comfort just by being around him. Boys like Ben were the definition of perfect and any girl would be lucky to have him.
He was the type of person to have his whole life planned out for him, and nothing in his life ever seemed to go wrong. He had married parents, and two twin little sisters, his house was big and on the good side of town. He was going to a state university, and probably would get a job as a lawyer, or a doctor in the future. Then he would marry the perfect girl with the same background as him, and have the same kind of perfect life his parents had.
That might have been good for him, but never was it good enough for me.
The porch door slams shut from behind us and loud familiar laughter interrupts us. I watch as Niall and Harry drunkenly walk onto the porch and their eyes travel to us.
"There you are!" Niall says as an unlit cigarette hangs from his lips, he walks over and bends down to my level.
"We thought you left, you had us worried sunshine." he says with a smile and I can see how blood shot his blue eyes are.
"How sweet of you Niall, but I was perfectly fine with Ben here." I give him a smile as I nod my head at Ben from next to me.
I see Harry from the corner of my eye, as he lights up a cigarette, before throwing the lighter to Niall who catches it swiftly.
Niall's eyes travel to Ben like he is just now noticing him. "Oh... interesting," he takes a glance from behind his shoulder meeting eyes with trouble for a second before looking back at Benny.
"Ben, was it?" he tilts his head at him.
Ben looks to me and then back at Niall with a nod. "Yeah." is all he says and I can tell he doesn't like these two misfits.
Niall smirks as he lights up his cigarette, taking a long drag before answering. "I'm Niall, and that's Harry, but you already knew that." he blows smoke in Ben's face.
"Right, you guys have that band." Ben nods, fanning the smoke away.
Niall nods back as he takes another drag. "And you have that prick of a friend, what was his name again?" he questions with a tilt of his head.
"Are you talking about Michael?" Ben asks, looking over at me for a second.
"I dunno, am I?" Niall sarcastically says and I glare at him which makes him wink back.
I take a quick glance at Harry but his eyes are set on Ben. He leans against the wall of the house with his lit cigarette hanging from his lips. His blacked-out green eyes meet mine, but like always they're blank. I look away again.
"Yeah um, Michael. We saw you guys on at the fireworks?" Ben says.
"Michael." Niall repeats loudly and I know it's so Harry hears the name too. "So, is Michael here tonight?" he continues to ask and I have no idea why.
"No actually, he's in the army he left a few weeks ago." Ben answers. "Why?" he then asks curiously, taking a glance at Harry for a second.
Niall takes in the information quickly before shrugging carelessly. "Just wanna know if I should warn Zayn about the guy after his girl." he smirks and I find myself rolling my eyes.
"What about you though, Benjamin?" Niall continues the questioning. "Are you anything like your prick of a friend, Michael?" he asks, blowing another cloud of smoke in Ben's face.
"Seriously Niall—" I start to stand up ready to leave and take Ben with me.
"Oh come on V, I'm just messing with him." Niall smiles as he stands up along with Ben.
But then his sweet smile drops before his eyes are dead set on Benny's. Niall steps closer, towering over him. "But just know, if you are anything like your pussy friend, and you try some shit V doesn't approve of..." he nods his head towards Harry behind him.
"Me and my friend here, are capable of rearranging your face in more ways than one." Niall continues, a sinister smile spreading across his face, like he finds this all amusing.
My eyes widen at how threatening his voice is but how he keeps his smile like he's telling you how lovely he finds the weather.
I hear a snicker from behind us. "Come on Niall, play nicely now." Harry drawls out with sarcasm. I see as he watches the scene in front of him with a calm expression obviously clearly entertained.
Niall laughs patting Ben roughly on the shoulder. "Just messing with you anyways. You look like you couldn't hurt a fly, Benjamin." he winks at him continuing the harassing.
"Alright Niall, we get it." I tug at his flannel covered arm so he steps away from Benny who's silent and glaring at my blonde Irish protector.
Niall's blue eyes land on me and in this lighting they're darker but they still shine under his permanent smug smirk.
"Just looking out for you, V." he says as he throws the butt of his cigarette on the ground before stomping on it. "As you were." he says, bowing his head dramatically before walking past Harry, sending him a knowing smirk as he walks back into the house.
***