One cold Colorado night, a strange woman quickly walks throughout the small town, aimlessly. She constantly turns, as if she's hiding, and the infant in her arms wriggles in discomfort. She stumbled upon a nice green house, with a big backyard and seemingly, a lot of room. Perfect for her little child. She gently placed the baby on the doorstep, and knocked as loud as she could, then began running in the other direction, forever lost into the night.
Cartman's POV
I was woken by loud knocking on the door. I screamed for my mom to answer it, and then was met with the realization that she was out whoring the night away. I groaned and got up to yell at whoever dares to wake me up on a school night. Nobody was there when I opened the door, so I was about to slam it shut, then I heard what sounded like a baby crying. I looked down, and low and behold, there one was. I picked it up, and brought it inside, not cause I cared, but cause it would give me a good reason to tell mom to come home now. The baby had curly, light brown hair and dark brown eyes. She didn't seem to be any older than a few months. I set her on the couch, and ran upstairs to grab my phone. I figured the baby would be okay on it's own for a few minutes. I texted my mom to come home immediately, and that there was a baby on our doorstep. I wasn't given a response, so I went back downstairs, and just barely caught the baby from rolling off the edge of the couch. Dumb kid. She stared at me for a few seconds, and I started to get uncomfortable, so I started calling numbers on my phone. First, I called Kenny. No reply. Then I called Stan. No reply. Then, I hesitated, and called Kyle. I've been purposely avoiding Kyle since the 8th grade. I've been feeling really weird around him, and I think his Jewish nature is rubbing off on me like a virus. He picked up.
"What do you want Fatass?"
"What are you doing up?"
" Shut up, now what do you want?"
" Um, I found a baby on my doorstep, and I don't know what to do. My mom's out and nobody else picked up."
" Christ, are you serious?"
" Wanna listen to it cry or something? What do mean, am I serious?"
" I was just asking jeez. Should I come over?"
" I would appreciate it! Just get this thing away from me already."
"... Is this a trap?"
" Jesus Christ Kahl, I haven't so much as touched you since middle school! What more do you want from me?"
" I was just making sure. I'll be over in a minute."
" Alright."
I kind of dreaded seeing Kyle. I don't exactly hate him anymore, but I still don't like him. He's still annoying, short tempered and Jewish. Also, he still has his dumb hat. I fucking hate that hat.
He knocked on the door a few minutes after I called him and when I answered, nobody was there. I stepped out of the house, and yelled, "Haha Kahl. Very funny." . Right after I said that, I saw him walking up to the house. He probably just ran back to make it look like it wasn't him. When he saw the baby in my arms, he audibly gasped. He walked in, uninvited might I add, and stood in the middle of my living room.
"Jesus, you weren't lying. Where did it come from?"
" Hell if I know, she just was on my doorstep. Please take her, I can't hold this thing any longer."
Kyle held the baby, and he almost looked like a loving mother. He held the baby so carefully, and rocked her side to side.
"You need me to stay until your mom comes?"
"Sure, I could use your girly knowledge of babies and shit."
" You shouldn't cuss with a baby in the room."
" You act like I wasn't raised by a whore."
"You also shouldn't talk about your mom like that. Even if she's a whore, she's still your mom."
" Whatever."
"Hey Cartman?"
"Hm?"
"How do you know it's a girl?"
I turned to Kyle, who was eyeing the baby curiously.
"I dunno, I just assumed so."
"Should we check?"
"You can, but I'm gonna stand over here if you do."
I walked into the kitchen, and let Kyle check.
"Yup, she's a girl."
"Fucking nasty. Well, since I'm in here, what do babies even eat?"
"Mashed vegetables and milk. She looks to be about 9 months old, so regular milk should do."
I shrugged and grabbed a cup, and I felt Kyle staring at me.
" What?!"
"You know a baby can't drink from a cup."
"Well, we don't exactly have any bottles Jew."
Kyle thought for a moment, and got up, handed me the child, and headed out, saying,
"I'm gonna borrow one from Kenny. His parents have been trying to get pregnant again, and they've been stocking up."
And he left. I set the kid down on the floor, and it started to crawl around like a giant roach. I figured I should distract the little thing and turned on some "Nicktoons" on the TV. Of course, SpongeBob was playing, cause networks like to milk the shit out of that show, and she was glued to the TV. She didn't laugh, or smile, or even blink, she just watched expressionlessly. She seemed like an adult trapped in a baby body, and I couldn't shake that uneasy feeling about her.
Kyle came back shortly, with a baby bottle in hand. I didn't bat and eye as Kyle filled the bottle with milk, heated it up, and handed it to the child. She took it, and didn't like the taste, throwing the bottle at the tv. I started to yell at her, but Kyle started to console her, holding her and the bottle, and sweet talking her.
"I know it new and yucky, but we don't really have a choice right now kid. Please."
He started to feed it to her, and she eventually warmed up. He flopped on the couch next to me, still feeding the kid, and watching her. He then got this weird look on his face, turned to me and said,
"Cartman look!"
I looked, but I didn't see anything except a half asleep baby.
" What?"
" She has a Jewish nose."
"Oh don't tell me she's a Jew!"
"She might be."
"Peachy! Get her out of my goddamn house!"
" What?! No Cartman! I can't take her anywhere, and I'm only here to help you not murder her. At least until your mom gets back."
Speak of the devil. My mom walked in, and saw the baby, gasping.
" Oh my goodness. Hun, where did you find her?"
"I bought her off the black market. What do you think mom?!" I replied sarcastically. Kyle gently handed her to my mom, who held her the way a mother should, even though she's never been a real mother in her life.
"I guess she's staying with us until we find her real parents."
" But maawhm, her parents obviously doesn't want her, so why do we have to keep her?!"
"Because Eric, she has no one. If we can't find her parents, then she's gonna stay with us."
I was actually scared at this thought. I never wanted, nor needed siblings. Especially adopted little Jew sisters. Is this god's way of punishing me or something?. Kyle smiled, like the little snot he is, and turned to me, and his smile faded. My mom walked upstairs to sleep, baby in hands, and I couldn't follow. I felt sick. The thought of having a little sister was terrifying to me. Not only will I lose all the attention and love, but I will also gain a Jewish sister. In my opinion, that's not fair. She's not my real sister, therefore she shouldn't be here. I don't care if her real parents don't want her, I don't either!
"You okay Cartman?" Kyle asked.
"I'm gonna be a brother Kahl, do I look okay?"
"It's not as bad as you think."
"How would you know what I think Kahl?"
"Cause, I know what it's like to have an adopted younger sibling. You're probably mad because she's not even your real sister right?"
I froze. He's using his damn Jew magic on me?! That bastard! He sighed and continued,
"It's not that bad. I'm not gonna lie, they're annoying as shit, but you'll eventually warm up to her."
I looked at him, and he was smiling. I think he's trying to comfort me, but I don't show any response to it.
"Go home Kahl!" I spat.
"I get it, you need to be alone, but if you need to talk or vent or something, just come to me. I'm probably the only person here who'll understand. Seeya at school.", And with that, he was gone, and I was alone. I don't mind being alone, cause I've been alone a lot of my life, but today was different. The second Kyle left, I felt a bit empty inside. I think it's just the fact that I haven't eaten yet. It's getting to me.
I make my way to the kitchen, and pull out a box of cookies to munch on. Since I have school tomorrow, I guess I should go to sleep. As I'm going up the stairs, I heard quiet singing. I get curious, and look into my mom's room. My mom is singing "You are my sunshine" to this damn baby like she didn't just show up on our doorstep. Why is my mom acting like a mom all of a sudden. She's been perfectly fine leaving her actual kid home alone since he was eight, but this kid shows up, and all of a sudden she wants to be a good mom. FUCK THAT NOISE. I stomp into my room and flop on my bed, anger boiling inside me. This kid has got to leave. I don't care how, or where she goes, but she's not staying here. No matter what that dumb Jew says, I will never love that sad waste of diapers!
I woke up later into the night to the little devil crying. God, will someone just shove a onesie down her throat already! She cried practically all night, and I got no sleep. I must've looked like shit, cause the guys sure noticed.
"Jeez Cartman, are you ok?" Stan asked. I just nodded and rubbed my eyes, to be more awake I guess. He shrugged and continued talking to Kenny about boobs or something, and Kyle came up to me. I figured he probably thought I stole something or stayed up all night scheming, so I moved away, and tried to keep away from his dirty jewness.
"Did the baby keep you up?" He asked.
"No Kahl, it was the fucking underpants gnomes, what do you think?!"
"Okay,Grouchy!"
"It's not my fault that lump of fat and shit kept me and my mom up all night!"
"That's what happens when you get siblings dude."
"In that case, I'm gonna throw her out."
"No, Jesus, if it bugs you that much just... Just stay at my place."
He was a bit reluctant when he said that, but I'm too smart for him. I know his tricks.
"Nice try Kahl, but there's no way I'd stay at a house full of Jews, especially Broflovski's."
"You'd rather stay at your house than mine?"
"Yeah!"
"Ok, let me know if you change your mind."
Then he smirked and walked away. That sly fox is trying to control my mind into going to his house. Since I assume Kyle's gay, he might try and get into my pants or something.This is why I started avoiding him, cause he does shit like this and tries to mess with my head. I'm too pretty to be with him anyways, and we both know it, but I always suspected he likes me. It's pretty obvious with the way he's always trying to start and argument with me, or always watches me in P.E. like a creepy stalker. Either he likes me or Stan. Well, nice try Kyle, but there's no way you can get me at your house.
*Later that day*
I'm not sure how, but I ended up in Kyle's bedroom playing CoD. It might be him using his Jew magic to control me, but I don't really feel like leaving. Too much work, also it gives me enough peace and quiet to work on plotting a way to rid of the little monster invading my home. Kyle also seems to be having fun. I don't think I've ever seen him so happy within 5 feet of me. It gives me a weird satisfying feeling inside, like I've completed something. He's probably just using some weird Hebrew curse on me again, making me want to stay and hear him laugh. He looks over to me, and I grin. Not because I'm happy, but cause it'd be awkward if I didn't. Then I feel my phone buzz in my pocket. It's my mom, texting me saying that she got a Dna test, and yada yada yada, were keeping the kid. Fan-fucking-tastic! Kyle noticed my anger and peeked over at my private messages.
"Eyes off Jew!" I yelled.
"Is it your mom?"
"It's none of your business!"
"Let me guess, you're keeping her?"
"You nosy Jew. Yes, she's also fucking Jewish! And we're naming her Esther."
"That's a Jewish name."
"I know!"
Another text comes in, and it's my mom again. She's said we're holding a party hosted by Kyle mom for her.
"Son of a bitch!"
"What is it?"
"She's throwing her a fucking party, hosted by your mom!"
"Sounds like fun."
"It's not gonna be fun Kahl! It's gonna be awful. I hope my mom gets drunk and leaves this kid in the dumpster behind the peppermint hippo."
"Dude, she's just a baby."
"I don't give a fuck!"
"You should, cause that baby is your new sister, and she's gonna look up to you."
"Oh my God, just shut up Kahl. Can we just go to sleep or something already?"
He sighed, "Okay. I'm gonna get my PJs on."
Them he got up, grabbed a shirt and shorts from his dresser, and began undressing right in front of me.
"Jesus Christ Kahl, I don't wanna see that!* I yelled, covering my eyes.
"What's the issue?! We change in the locker rooms all the time! You've seen me pee before!"
"That's different, but two guys changing together in a bedroom is totally gay!"
Kyle sighed, and left, probably to change in the bathroom. I pressed my hand to face and felt my cheeks. They were really hot. That's weird. Since Kyle was gone, I quickly changed into my pajamas, and slipped into his bed, hopefully forcing him to sleep on the floor, but to my surprise, he didn't. When he came back, he just slipped in right next to me, and tried to fall asleep. I was shocked by this act and tapped him a few times.
"Ow. What is it Cartman?!"
"What the fuck are you doing?"
"Trying to sleep."
"But we're both in this bed."
"Yeah and?"
"Two guys don't just sleep in the same bed Kahl!"
"Me and Stan sleep the same bed, what's the problem?"
"You and Stan are fucking fags! I am a proud straight man!"
"Yeah, sure you are."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean Kahl?"
"Nothing, go to sleep fatass. Lord knows you need it. You've been in a bad mood all day."
He not wrong. That's one of the many things I hate about Kyle. Sometimes, he's too smart to argue with. I'm not saying he's smarter than me, but he's smart enough to know just what to say. I'm smart enough to know when he's bullshitting, but not smart enough to articulate how he's wrong. It pisses me off sometimes. Stupid Jewish bastard. Why does he have to have fucking big ambitions, and a knack for learning, He couldn't just be Jewish, no he had to be smart and Jewish.
As the hours passed, I found myself more and more restless. I couldn't really tell whether or not Kyle had gone to sleep, but it seemed so, since he was pretty quiet. Around 3:10 AM, Kyle turned and faced me now. I was on my side facing him, and he was so... I'm not sure. I don't the words to describe how I felt when I looked at him, but it wasn't how I usually felt. I'd been this close to Kyle physically, but never emotionally. This time, when I saw him, I felt heat on my cheeks again. His eyebrows narrowed in his sleep, and his lips were so plump. His hair fell on his face perfectly, and his chest rose and fell in a delicate dance. His face was close to mine that if I were to lean a little further, we'd be kissing, but I shake that thought. Kyle's just using his Jew magic on me again, right? But how could he when he's out like a light. I'm not sure what's going on with me, but I'm not sure I like it. I guess I should do some research on it. Maybe I'm coming down with something. Or maybe it's an allergic reaction to Jews. That'd give me a good reason to avoid him, but I'm not so sure I want to. Over the years, Kyle and I have gotten a little closer. We stopped doing dumb shit to each other in 6th grade, and he started acting normal towards me. Like we were acquaintances, and nothing more, but then something happened to me in 8th grade. I had just found out what gay porn was around that time, so I was a bit off the whole year. I couldn't help but feel a little awkward around guys, because of the fact that I jerk off to some at night. Then one night, when I was looking at a picture of two guys wearing thongs, I couldn't help but imagine Kyle in one. At first I was disgusted, then I found it hot. Really hot. It soon morphed into some sort of attraction for the dumb jew. There's no way I'm getting any sleep tonight, not with Kyle next to me like this.
I carefully got up and slept on the floor. At least this way, I can get some shut eye with having a sexual identity crisis.