Uncertain
"Pasensya na po." Napayuko ang binata.
Lila bit her lip in nervousness but then she heard her mamang chortled. Lahat sila ay nagtinginan at ilang sandali ay gumaan din ang paligid.
"Biro lang. Anong kurso mo?" her mamang asked.
"Engineering 'yan, tita. Tas swimmer." Si Shane.
Napatango-tango ito. "Gano'n ba? Civil?"
"Electronics and Communication po. Graduating na ako this year," Ewan replied and beamed at her.
"Magandang pakinggan ah."
As they continued talking, Lila can't help but smile. Napansin din niya na nagkukulitan si Eon at Tommy sa gilid. Mukhang parehong mahilig sa online games ang dalawa. She would occasionally interject between her mamang and Ewan.
Alam niyang kabado ang binata. She oddly likes to see this side of him. He's usually calm and sure of himself but this time that he's talking to an elder woman, her mamang, she notices the forming sweats on his forehead and the awkward tone of his voice. Lila finds joy in it not until another statement came from her mamang.
"Itong anak ko, marami pa 'tong pangarap kaya hinay-hinay lang. Protektahan ang sarili."
"Mang..." bulong niya habang nanlalaki ang mata.
She heard Shane snorted.
"Huwag mo kong i-mang-mang. Itong tahimik?" she pointed out Eon.
Tumawa si Tommy na katabi nito. "Nakalimutan na raw po ni Kuya Eon ang pangalan niya dahil sa luto niyo, ma."
"The best, tita. Kung gagawa kayo ng resto, mag-iinvest ako," ika pa nito.
But then they heard an exaggerated, almost animated gasped. Nagsitinginan sila kay Ewan matapos humigop ng sabaw.
"Whoo! Oo nga, sobrang sarap ng tinola niyo, tita. Pahingi na rin ako ng recipe," sabi pa nito.
Hindi nila napigilan ang tawa.
"Ahem! Ang bibo ng isa dyan," Shane commented.
"Syempre, masarap talaga 'yan. May secret ingredients 'yan eh," mamang said.
She leaned in closer to Ewan and whispered, "Marunong ka palang magluto?"
Bahagya itong umiling. "Hindi, ipapaluto ko lang sa'min. Nagpapasikat lang ako sa mama mo," bulong nito.
"Sira ka talaga." She laughed and shook her head.
Natapos silang kumain. Nakipag-away pa ang tatlo dahil gusto ng mga itong tumulong sa paglilinis. Tommy even said that they should come by everyday to help wash and clean the house. In the end, no one won against the woman. Lahat sila ay pinaalis patungo sa sala. But she later helped her mamang whose smiling knowingly at her the whole time.
Iniwan niya sila Shane, Eon at Tommy na nag-aaway sa kung anong channel ang papanuorin. She called Ewan for a walk. Buti na lang iilang tao na lang ang nasa labas. Malaya silang naglalakad sa ilalim ng poste ng mga ilaw.
"Ewan..." tawag niya dito.
"Uhm?"
She sighed. "Huwag mo naman akong sanayin sa ganito."
His forehead creased. "Bakit naman hindi?"
They stopped in the middle. Napatunghay siya dito. Nag-iisip kung paano sasabihin ang bumabagabag sa kanya.
"What I mean is— hindi ko alam kung papaano ko ibabalik ang lahat ng 'to." She bit her lip and shrugged.
Nagpatuloy sila sa paglalakad.
"I don't really like grand gestures," she added.
"Didn't you like it?" He frowned.
Agad siyang umiling. "No! I actually love it..." she trailed off.
What's with her this time? She knows that Ewan did this because he likes her and he wants to show it. It's his way but there's a thing inside her that keeps telling her that she doesn't deserve such action. That it might be too much. That she might not give the same amount of effort that he does and he will do in the long run.
In the middle of her mind battles, she felt his hand slid in between her fingers. Napatingin siya sa mga kamay nila. It fit so well together. She held her head up to gaze at him.
"Lila, you don't have to reciprocate everything. You can't owe me about something that I want to do for you, okay?" he said and brushed her knuckles.
He smiled and continued, "Heck, this is not even half of what I want to give you. Gusto kong gawin 'to. Simple lang kasi gusto kita."
She wished she can say it back as well but it would be unfair to him.
Lila scrolled down the website. Naghahanap siya ng mga job opportunities online. Malapit na ang kanyang graduation at ayaw niyang mabakante pagkatapos. Kung ang iba ay magpapahinga o kaya magre-review sa board exam, para sa kanya ay mas mabuting kumalap na agad ng experience.
May nakita rin siyang scholarship na maaari niyang pasukan. Kaso mukhang credentials lang ang makukuha niya. Nalalapit na ang prelims tapos midterms naman at finals. Maghahanda pa siya para sa kanyang final defense. Ang pinaghirapan niyang thesis nang halos tatlong taon ay matatapos na rin. Hindi siya makapaniwala. Parang kailan lang ay sobrang nangangapa pa siya dito sa Gustavio. And now, she's months away from graduating.
“Hi, ate L!” Jennie waved at her in amidst the crowd.
Agad siyang lumapit dito.
“Jen! Nandito ka pala?” aniya.
She tapped the empty space beside her. “Tabi tayo! We have to wear this daw," she said and handed her a shirt.
“Ano 'to?" she whispered to herself as she unfolded the t-shirt. It has a vector art of Ewan's face and a lettering below it saying, the Ewan and only. She can't help but roll her eyes.
“I know, kuya’s very lame talaga.” Jennie snorted and shook her head in disappointment.
Later, she found herself wearing the shirt while cheering for him in the middle of the crowd. It's the UCAF preliminary contest. Gusto niyang panuorin ang laro nito. She didn't go last time but she wants to make sure not to miss any of his game from now on.
“Go, go Aztec! Go, go, go Aztec!”
“Titans all the way! Titans will win and slay!”
“Hu-ha! Vikings! Vikings!”
The crowd went wild as the athletes were introduced. Mas dumoble pa ang ingay kumpara noong nasa GAU palang sila. The three biggest university in the city are present and heat of the scorching sun added to the tension. Her only focused is on him as the game started.
Tila di rin siya makahinga sa kinatatayuan habang mabilis na lumalangoy ang binata. It's like watching a movie and every second is a climax. Ewan reached the deck and swam back as swift as he could. Lila almost shut her eyes when another athlete closed the gap. Everyone gasped and shouted in frenzy after.
“Para sa’yo.” She gave him the bouquet she bought with her savings. Who would've thought that big bouquets would cost so much? Pero wala naman siyang naramdamang paghihinayang lalo na nang makita niya ang reaksyon nito.
“Whoa... Thank you. It’s my first time to receive a bouquet.” He was smiling from ear to ear.
“Ang galing mo kanina.”
He sighed. “Not enough. I can’t even beat my own record.”
“Pero panalo ka naman. Don’t be so hard on yourself," aniya.
“Uno, dalian niyo raw!” someone called.
Pareho silang napatingin.
“Sige, susunod kami!” sagot nito.
“Uno ang tawag nila sa’yo?" she asked, a bit amused.
He nodded. “Some of them. Galing sa pangalan ko. And because I’m always number one," he said and grinned.
“Ang hangin.” Napairap siya.
He chuckled. “Want to hang out?”
“Uhm...” she trailed off, thinking of an excuse.
“Ayaw?”
She pursed her lips. “Hindi naman. It’s just that... It’s not my scene.” She paused. “Pero kung gusto mong pumunta, hindi naman kita pagbabawalan ‘no.”
It's not like they're officially together. And even if they are, she has no rights to keep him from doing what he usually does just because she doesn't like to be part of it.
“Are you sure you’re gonna be fine?”
“Oo naman.”
“Kain muna tayo.”
But after eating, he still didn't let go of the idea of her coming with him.
“Hindi ka talaga sasama? Hindi naman kita iiwanan. And Jennie’s gonna be there as well.”
She pondered for a while. Hindi naman siguro masama. It actually felt nice that he cares about inviting her. But the thought of being in crowd full of strangers, scares her. Napatingin siya sa binata. He smiled at her. Suddenly, her fear subsided.
“Sige na nga," she said.
“This is Lila...” He paused and took a quick glance at her. “A special friend.”
“Kaibigan lang ba talaga?” the one with a spiky hair said.
Inakbayan nito si Ewan. “Ingat ka sa kupal na ‘to. Daming naghahabol dito na taga SUN.”
“Gago!” Ewan chuckled.
“Sino nga ‘yon? Si Raya?” some of them laughed and wooed.
Raya? It's a girl's name. Who is she?
Lila felt silly. Of course, he would have relationships in the past. Even for her, he isn't the first one. How stupid of her to think that she's the only one.
He pursed his lips. “Huwag kang makinig sa kanila. They’re just messing around.”
“Joke lang, Lila!” anito.
“Okay lang.” She tried to smile but she doesn't feel well.
“May lahi ka ‘no?” tanong ulit niyong lalaki kanina.
“Bakit, wala ka bang lahi?” she purposely said.
“Ooof!” someone said.
“Half-Japanese," she replied.
“Seryoso? I didn’t know.” Ewan frowned at her.
It's not something to be brag about, she thought. Yes, she's half Japanese but she doesn't even know how to speak the language fluently. Only the loose knowledge she gained from her subject in Foreign Language few semesters ago. On her mind and heart, she doesn't feel the blood of being one. Although there's part of her that wanted to know more.
“Akala ko Korean. Ganda ng mata mo eh.”
She felt Ewan's hand on her waist. He held her close as he was about to say something in defense to the guy. But then someone intervene.
“Dude, may Uno na ‘yan," someone chuckled and grab the guy away.
“Hahanapin ko muna si Jennie," paalam niya dito.
The party is fine. It's not as chaotic as the first one she attended at Ewan's house. She's glad that Ewan took the time to introduced her to everyone. Kahit pa nakalimutan niya na ang mga pangalan ng mga tao sa loob.
Lumabas siya para magpahangin. She leaned against the wall, a cup of drink on her hand. Finally, she can breath well again. Ilang sandali lang ay narinig niya ang boses ng binata.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
She smiled and said, “I can handle myself.”
“Akala ko umalis ka na nang walang pasabi eh.”
Yumuko siya habang inikot-ikot ang natitirang beer sa baso.
“Sorry, hindi lang talaga ako makasabay sa gano’ng crowd.”
“Hey, there’s no need to be sorry.”
He also leaned against the wall, tilting his head towards her.
“Dapat di na kita pinilit.”
She shook her head. “No, ayoko namang baguhin mo ‘yong nakasanayan mo dahil sa’kin.”
“But I want you to be comfortable.”
Napatunghay siya dito. There are millions of thoughts running up in her head. Does she belong here? In his world? Does she deserve love and attention from him? Is she worth his time, patience and the trouble? And who was the girl they were talking about? That girl must be his past. Can she ever replace her? Is she even worth comparing against that girl? She doesn't know.
“Ewan...” she called his name, the only thing that escaped from her mouth.
“Yeah?”
“Wala...” Agad siyang umiling.
He shifted his stance. Now, they're face to face. He looked for her eyes and as they stare at each other, her worries grew smaller.
He breath inwardly. “Ikaw lang ang gusto ko, Lila. You’re all that matters now.”