"Everyday I wear my training suit
To learn dancing yeah
Bus number 4419
Is coming to pick me up"
He always looks so upset. He was standing right next to me and he looked so upset.
But I know he wasn't.
He was tired, yes, so was I. But I know he's expression does not reflect his feelings. He can't see well, he's glaring at me but the fact that he's trying to look at me makes my heart flutter. I took a simple step closer to him, he wrapped his arm behind my back and held me close, I could feel my soreness lift up with just his touch. He's warm, as he could see me more clearly I could see him lift his chin and laugh. The world moves slower when I can witness his lips curl into that perfect heart. I wish it was only for me but it was not, either way i know he doesn't smile wider with anyone else. He's always so honest.
"Chanyeol, you look funny."
"You talk too much, I will ignore you now"
"Chanyeol, you look handsome today."
Every morning I hear his voice through my phone. "I miss you." and even though we saw each other yesterday i cant help but miss him too.
"In the classroom, there's a friend
That comes to wake me up everyday yeah
He walks
From Apgujeong Station to Galleria."
Now he still calls me, tells me he still misses me and I have tears on my throat, we won't walk home today together, we won't eat together like we did every afternoon. He tells me he will be back and that's true but i can't help missing his face, the sound of his laugh. The dance room feels so specious, the memories of us practicing together from morning to night project on the empty room like ghostly polaroids. I even wonder if it ever happened, it feels so long ago. He makes me remember, that time he spat water on my face, when he playfully hits me, when he makes fun of me and I can't help breaking down. He feels guilty about it but they aren't tears of sadness, they are of happiness, he's my sunshine, my whole life. Every day we are closer to meeting again and i can't wait. We will be separated once more but every second at his side is precious to me. I miss teasing him, hearing his voice. When the 9 of us aren't together there's something missing in our songs, but not only that. I miss practicing with him, playing the guitar for him, harmonizing with him, we do so well I can feel our hearts beating at the same time. Our chests expand at the same time with each breath we take, and I can only hope our feelings are also the same.
"In front of a Luxury Hotel that I used to walk every day,
There was a station a few years ago
Where I've been going everyday
People come to me
You can buy anything you want
But I can't buy your heart"
Nothing really faces him, he's dedicated and so focused, i wish i was more like him, but at least i can make him laugh. I usually am confident, I'm handsome and fun, I had my whole school looking up at me, every girl's phone, every guy's admiration but I only wanted his. I was scared of what he thought about me, I was intimidated. He never hesitated to make me know I was annoying him, to hit me or to tell me to stop but he still always stuck to me, maybe because I stuck with him as well. I saw that he needed me and of course I wanted to help him. He was always misunderstood, maybe he's harsh and strong but he's truthly a soft soul, a gentle guy. He always made sure my shirt was buttoned right, he always brushed my hair with his fingers, he brought me lunch and told me I was doing a good job, he reminded me to enjoy the small things in life. I guess a lot of people never got to see that side of him and I'm proud he gave it to me, but I was terrified of the feelings invading my skin.
"Meet me at the Rodeo Station
Apgujeong Rodeo Station
I'll see you there, Rodeo.
My friends keep asking me
So where are you now?
Just for one day, take a photo then come back
When the hell are you going to sleep?
Send photos to the group chat"
Now i know it was easier to just ask him but back then things were not as clear as they are now. We were young and inexperienced, it felt like the end of the world but it was far from it. We still have so much to live. I didn't realize the reward was higher than the risk. Oh, his food was made with so much care for me, he smiled just for me, he told me he was thankful for me as his friend, he called me every morning and every night,
Oh darling your face in the sun, waiting in Apgujeong Station for the bus after dance practice, the light gave your skin such a beautiful glow, I asked you each night, "Do you want to go eat with me?"I held your hand each time we crossed the street, I held into you and hoped you didn't want to let go either but i never knew for sure. I wasn't honest and now I regret it, I should have asked you how you felt. I should have held you until you let go, I should have told you how beautiful you looked when you smiled, I should have asked you.
"Please, go on a date with me."
"Can i kiss you?"
"Please let me sweep you off your feet, let me love you, let me be your boyfriend."
"I saw you there
Now you're wearing a tuxedo instead of a school uniform
Soak it with beer, yeah
I work every minute, I love that earned that
Every day is my Birthday Monday to Sunday
Go to space Or go down to the bottom
How would I know?
You only live your life once"
I can't go back, now that you're not by my side i realize i can't live like this, i have overthink it so much, but i can't change the past, i can only live the now and i can only say i'm so sorry i confused you, i'm so sorry i wasn't honest with you or myself, i'm so sorry i was held back by our promised fame, by my fear, by the standards. Every time I write a song and I have to write about her when I'm thinking about you it breaks my heart. I want to scream to you how much I love you. I want to grab your hand and sing to you properly, call you by your name in my songs about love because you were the one that teached me it, I want to be able to hold you again once more like I did that day at the Apgujeong Station but I'm afraid it is too late to reclaim my love. Do you have someone else? Do you still hold me that close to your heart? Would you believe in me anymore? I'm still a kid after all, I haven't learned anything and I still live in fear, but I'm starting to get tired. Oh honey my love please. I just want to say I love you but my throat it's drowning in tears each time I think about you.
"New tour, new car
A new album and a Trophy
My TMI will be the main portal tomorrow
In the poster that was attached to my room
I spend my day like the main characters"
Maybe it's selfish of me to want you when i have anything else i could ever wish for, but fame and money cannot compare to our love. I'm so grateful that you are still my friend even after my gross mistakes, even when I played with you like that, it was so long ago but I hope you can forgive me with this song. I hope you like it because it's all about you. The feelings i have for you are universal, you also live with everything you have ever wished for so i can only ask you humbly to have pity on me, that you meet me once again in the Apgujeong Station because i want once more again to give you my heart, if you understand me still, if you love me still i only can hope for your forgiveness but i can understand it's now too late.
"Someone told me that
Some of the most important things in life,
Can't be bought with numbers in your account
Like Romeo in front of a girl that doesn't like him"
That day while waiting for the bus 4419, the one we always took, you smiled at me like you always did, you held me close like you always did and I couldn't help but admire you. My darling love did you ever realise the intoxication behind my eyes? The sweetness in my heart for you? I'm so much taller than you but when you hold me I can't help but feel like you are so much bigger than me, you are so warm and I feel so safe even though I should be the one protecting you, you were the one always there for me.
I don't know what came over me, I don't know when my instinct took over me. I didn't know if you would hate me for it and at the moment I didn't care. I didn't understand it but it seemed to matter so little at that moment. There weren't a lot of people at the station, it was a gloomy day despite the beautiful sunset. I took advantage of you, but I just wanted to know how you tasted. Were you as sweet as your subtle cologne or the cookies you were eating earlier?
So simple it seemed, I just leaned in, bent down, closed my eyes and touched my lips with yours under my umbrella. It was gonna rain any moment, remember it was a gloomy day? At first I knew you were confused, you just stood there petrified, holding with your hand the jacket of my tracksuit as I selfishly kissed you. Your lips still had the taste of strawberry from your chapstick, they were so soft i can remember it so clearly. I remember my hand started to tremble as I raised it to cup your cheek. You pressed again me, our chests together i could feel you vibrate under me and our hearts harmonizing together, i brushed my thumb across your skin as you softly hit my chest before running your hand through my cotton white shirt until you reached my collar, you held my neck before you buried your fingers on my hair, you pulled so hard from it keeping me as close to you as we could be. God it hurt but it also made me feel so heavy, so excited and nervous, if I moved I feared my legs would fail me and I would end up on the floor. I don't remember if i was being too rough with you but you were rough with me, I cannot believe how i was so blind, I dream about that day even now, it's always in the back of my mind playing like and old vinyl, stuck on my head like a catchy song, like a comforting craving for something as sweet and the colors shine brighter when i look into your brown eyes now a days, even in a photo i can't help but fall in love more with you.
We kissed until we were out of breath, until we forgot about our surroundings and when the bus finally came by we looked at each other for the first time in the eyes, it wouldn't be the first or last time we looked at each other like this, breathing heavily and exhausted but it would never be the same than that time. Dancing always reminds me of this day because of this, but in reality everything does and it's never the same.
You asked me later that day if I wanted to talk about it.
I buried myself and said "no".
I was an idiot. I was stupid, i didnt realize the more i waited to talk about it the more scared I would be of your answer. That day i didn't understood my own feelings and i didn't realize how important this was for us. I didn't realize I would miss your lips for the rest of my life, I didn't realize after all these years my heart would only fix on you more. Everything you do is a blessing, how could you be so patient, i cannot expect this from you. I deserve it if you have someone else, I deserve it if you didn't wait for me to be ready, it's logical that you would get tired of me yet you still called me your friend, you still got me lunch, you still told are proud of me, you still make sure im safe and happy, you still had fun with me like that never happened but the guilt is eating me, Kyungsoo.
I'm so sorry for making you wait, I'm sorry for putting you under this situation. I'm so sorry for not being honest. I'm sorry I'm so emotional, but it's time for me to grow up. It's time for me to give you the answer you waited for this long. Maybe it's not the same for you anymore, maybe you have forgotten about it but i need to say it, because it's not going to change, i will never forget about it i will never move on, i will never stop feeling this way, I need to tell you everything that i never did before it eats my soul, i need to be brave and let you know that i have grown up, that i'm ready and even if i cry, even if i look like an idiot, even if you reject me, even if you moved on, I need to let you know that i will always be yours so...-
"...In front of a Luxury Hotel that I used to walk every day,
There was a station a few years ago
Where I've been going everyday
People come to me
You can buy anything you want
But I can't buy your heart
Meet me at the Rodeo Station
Apgujeong Rodeo Station
I'll see you there."