[ c h a p t e r f o u r ]
4 — insecurities are harmful
ZARA
perspective
HAS A PERSON EVER felt so insecure in their life? The type of insecurity where they wished they vanished into thin air, hoping to remove their existence from the mind of others. The idea of just existing and knowing that people have different versions of you in their mind feels horrible.
All my life I wondered what I did to deserve chaos in my life. Do good to receive good back, Carter why would you tell such a beautiful lie? Even he couldn't survive the consequences of being good, how could I possibly dream to live a good life with good morals?
I'm in a recurring nightmare called reality, hopelessly waiting for an epiphany, only to be slapped in the face with the grimy truth behind existing. At times I wonder, how do I survive? I don't have friends that I would spend all of eternity with. Neither do I have a family to trust wholeheartedly.
The stares in the classroom haunted me, destroying every inch of sanity left in my mind. People love to talk, they love to judge and pretend they enjoy your presence; when in reality they despise who you are. I hated it, the idea of feeling judged for every action I do. Thoughts constantly spiralling about how people view me; it was a dangerous habit of mine to overthink.
"Are you alright?" Lisa says beside me. She elbows me lightly, the sensation of pain runs wild in my body. Emotionally I couldn't handle the stress of being her friend but physically I need to be with her to survive in this school. Maybe it was wrong to stick with someone who hurts you but after being their friend for so long, you begin to seek validation from them, you seem to need them.
I nod my head. Exhaustion runs deep in my heart. I felt as if I didn't belong in this school, but in order to survive, I have to go with the act. People in this school will rip you to shreds for having an identity, you're better off being like every other person instead of being yourself.
"Well now that you're finally awake, let me explain to you the amazing idea I have for my eighteenth birthday!" Lisa says cheerfully, her eyes glued to the mobile device in front of her. Of course, the world revolves around her, she's the main character. And me? I'm just a side character who sticks beside her.
"Is it going to be another cliche high school party?" I question, not in the mood for a party; especially a tragic high school party filled with underaged drunken kids and avid drug users.
Lisa shakes her head before pushing her phone forward. I scan the image in front of me, it was an idea of a masquerade party. Lisa wants a masquerade party? That seems a little modest for someone like Lisa who seems to have a uncanny fetish for an event like Coachella.
"You know what this is right?" Lisa questions, uncertain with my blank expression, of course, I knew what it was. "It's a party where people use masks to cover their identity and have the time of their lives—" Before Lisa could complete her sentence I cut her off.
"I am pretty sure I know what a masquerade party is Lisa, I'm just surprised that you're having one." I point out, still surprised at her sudden urge to have a masquerade party.
Lisa scoffs, clearly irritated by my words. "Is it the fact you don't find me as someone to host one? I'm pretty sure I'm capable of having a masquerade party." she states bitterly, avoiding my tired gaze.
"Relax," at this point it was normal for Lisa to get offended by the littlest things. "Is expressing my surprise a crime? Not everything is an insult." I cross my arms, disappointment was regular in our friendship and I entertained the person who enjoyed to disappoint.
"Whatever, " Lisa diverts the subject, continuing to speak about her masquerade party. "It's tomorrow, I'm expecting you to wear an outfit that's dull because I want to be the girl everyone notices." her words were as sharp as knives, her jealousy was laced within her spiteful words.
I nod my head curtly. There's no point of telling Lisa that her words were morally wrong, her defence will remain the same: she'll always assume that I purposely correct whatever she says for my own entertainment. I couldn't lose her as a friend, without her, would I be able to form my own identity alone?
"What colour will you wear?" I ask, not wanting to wear the same colour. After all, that's what she wants, she wants to shine brightly with no threat. It confused me how she believes that I would actually outshine someone like her. She's clearly more beautiful, well, on the other hand, I'm plain.
"Gold, try not to wear silver either or blue and definitely not red — something a little less glittery would be much appreciated," Lisa says blandly. She never thinks before she speaks, a diatribe like her could care less about the impact of her choice of words. But it was okay, all my opinions seem to affect everyone for no reason these days. It's better to not speak at all.
"Noted, anything else?" I say sarcastically, she didn't realise the permanent damage she was inflicting on my heart. She will never understand how I feel, as long as she was better than me; nothing else mattered. But I wanted her to know that she was beautiful, that I was nothing compared to her.
"Don't take your mask off. " she mumbles incoherently. A bitter smile plagued my face, toxicity was her favourite trait. I want to see the good in her, I know it exists deep down in her heart — that's all that's keeping me from leaving her, I doubt I will ever have the confidence to leave her.
»»————- ♔ ————-««
I sit alone at the bus stop, waiting for the school bus to arrive. My morning wasn't a typical one, with my mother cursing at me for not dressing appropriately; when all I really wore was a skirt that was knee length. Her cursing then turned into an argument about me not being responsible enough.
Her talk about responsibility turned into body shaming. After gaining a slight amount of weight due to stress eating, my mother concluded I was fat, backing her argument with the reason that a boy won't look my direction for being 'fat'. But if I truly wanted a person to like me, I wouldn't want them to like me for how I look but for them to like me for who I am.
I was used to it. Her words don't bother me anymore. After a while insults seem to grow on me, they don't hurt as much as they used to.
"You take the bus to school," my heart almost falls out. It was Theo, dressed in a casual white shirt and grey joggers. He takes a seat beside me on the bench. Resting his head on his palm. My mind goes back to the moment when he willingly handed me his handkerchief to cry. I could feel my cheeks warm up, he saw me tear up. Oh to have the power to disappear forever.
"Don't you drive?" I suddenly say; the sudden urge to break the awkward tension and converse with Theo felt tempting. In this school, he's laidback and genuine; but his reputation says otherwise as people label him to be a stereotypical 'bad boy'. Girls and Boys admire his reputation, various people are attractive to his lifestyle. But I admired him for him and his actions towards me.
Theo nods his head. "I felt like taking the bus today, it's bothersome changing the gas daily." he says, fiddling with his wristwatch.
"First of all, who takes the school bus on purpose? It's filled with loud kids from our school and don't get me started about how there's no air conditioning so the bus is practically stuffy and smelly." I mumble. I don't take the school bus on purpose, I never had the opportunity purchase a car, just a girl with a license and no car.
"Truth is that I got my license taken away for three months." so he lives up to his title at school. A boy with troublesome ways yet I still feel the urge to admire him. It seems like I have a deep rooted issue, I enjoy the idea of people who don't seem to care about me and ignore my existence.
"And how did that happen?"
Theo shrugs his shoulders. "I vandalised a cops car."
I let out a small laugh. "You can lose your license for vandalising a cops car?"
Theo nods his head. His small smile seemed to be growing on me. "You know how mad they get these days."
"What did that cop do to you?" I inquire, interested in the reason behind his actions.
"Let's just say he treated on of my friends wrong." just as he says so, the school bus appears moving through the edge of the road smoothly.
I visibly shudder at the sight of the full bus. All I could think about was the loud kids, stench and crowdedness. "You're going to hate it in there, it gets really crowded, I hate it so much."
"Hate?" much to my surprise Theo entangles his fingers with mine. My heart pounds loudly as he walks inside of the bus. It felt like a burst of golden, the tension made me feel hot, his actions were abrupt. Do I really just admire Theo or do I like him? I always told myself I admired him but never thought I could actually have a crush on him all these years.
As we step inside the bus, students make way. It was as if the whole bus silenced at his arrival, no signs of jocks screaming or fangirls squealing as they admire the fan cards of their favourite music artists.
It was just silent. Do they all fear him that bad? What is it that makes them fear him?
"Better?" his small smile was all that it took for me to burst into utter happiness. Why haven't I ever spoken to him in my life? He's so much better to speak to than Lisa. Actually, everyone is a better person to speak to than Lisa.
"You actually made them stop shouting and screaming, the fact that I have a seat is also really weird," I say in awe, looking at Theo who had one earphone plugged into his ear.
"They see me as some scary person who always breaks the rules, I guess there are some pros with a reputation like mine." his words sounded sad, it was as if he wasn't happy with the way people viewed him.
"I don't see you like that, we're all the same in a way aren't we? You're just a normal boy who has his problems with life, just like me who seems to share the same difficulties." I tell him, helping people with the way they felt was a sort of speciality of mine. I make everyone happy except for myself, will it always stay this way?
Theo looks at me for a brief second, he closes his eyes before opening them again. "You're different, it's nice to know there are people in the world like you Zara." his words were like velvet, soothingly tuning the strings of my heart.
"Thank you Theo," I say quietly, little did he know — he made my whole day lighter with his generous acts and genuine words. For once in my life, I felt, liked by my personality, not popularity.
"Don't ever cry again." he whispers something quietly, but I couldn't catch it. I smile to myself, he really is something else.
[ e n d o f c h a p t e r f o u r ]
#5— authors note
do you like theo? and do you think lisa has the right to tell zara what to wear?
vote, comment, and share! i'm going to try my hardest to update this book more often, as people like reading it <3
EXTRA.
THIRD PERSON.
perspective
⌖
THEO smiles to himself. It wasn't a cops car he vandalised. It was Bryce Walter's black Bugatti.
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