"Jihoon," he breathed out.
----
The shorter male did nothing but half smile at him. He said nothing, moved nothing, just stood there, as there was no need for him to do anything else. The way he looked spoke for itself. His eyes were tired and sullen, weighed down by the heavy bags beneath. His lips, too, were chapped and scabbed, probably from days worth of biting. More than anything, however, he looked less confused and more sure--though what he was sure about was a mystery.
None of this did anything to soothe the raging storm inside of the blonde. With just the sight of him, he had been dragged back into the moment where Jihoon had found out about what they used to be. He again saw those eyes, full of betrayal, and all at once, he was desperate; but he needed to remember that being desperate was going to get him nowhere. He had to control his emotions, needed to wrap his fist around them and strangle them to the point that they no longer breathed. He needed to approach this situation with a calm, logical mind, so he could make sure that when Jihoon left him for good, he would be able to let him go. "W-what are you doing here?" he asked shakily, trying to control his words but failing.
The other's gaze flitted down to the cracked cement below. "I... have something to give you." His lungs inflated as he took in a deep breath and pulled out a bouquet of gardenias from behind his back. They weren't steady in the air, but then again, neither were his hands. "I tried to pick the ones with the best meaning, I mean... most correct meaning possible. I thought you would understand. So, uhm..." It was only then that he nervously shuffled forward, so much so that the two of them only stood a few inches apart. "Here."
He grasped the other's warm palm in his own and set the bundle of stems in Soonyoung's hand.
The blonde's lips pulled down at the corners. "Pure love, secret love, 'you're lovely'..." he recited under his breath, his gaze glued to the blossoming white buds. He wanted--yearned--to believe that all of this was true, that the male thought he was lovely, that he wanted to be with him forever. After all, Jihoon loving him again was all he wished for, but he knew as well as everyone else did that his wish was just a wish. It would never be anything more than that.
"Jihoon, I... I don't think those feelings were what you meant to convey." With that, his heart lurched and his knees locked. There was something there, building up inside of him, and it hurt like hell. In fact, he couldn't believe he had thought that the pain from earlier was unbearable, because this was pain: burning, excruciating pain. His fingers subconsciously tightened around the stems. Control your emotions, control them... "I can't accept these," he forced out. "I'm sorry... Please, take them."
But then...
His head had never shot up faster. His dark, dead eyes were wide now, surging with confusion. He wanted to say something, anything, but he was frozen. His lips would not move.
The other had really pushed the bouquet back to him.
"You don't understand," Jihoon said loudly, clearly. He knew what he was saying, and he would not allow the other to misunderstand. "You see, these past few weeks have been kind of horrible for me. 'It's okay to forget me'... Those words haven't stopped circling around my mind since then. And I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong. Just..." His words suddenly died on his tongue, adding to the collection of things he wanted to say but didn't. "I mean, what I want to say is... well..." Okay, maybe he didn't know what he was saying. At this point, with how quickly and nervously his heart was pounding, he would have to hope that the feelings spoke for themselves. "Actually, can we talk inside?"
Soonyoung figured that wasn't... too much of a request. He may have been sad and miserable, but that didn't mean he wouldn't do whatever it took to make sure that the man he loved was happy. He would do anything for him, and no matter how many years passed, that would never change. "Yeah, I guess so," he whispered, shivering. A slight breeze had brushed up against him, reminding him of the coldness that had been building up inside.
"Let's go, then." He tried to force a small smile as he took a step in the direction of his front door. However, the step was nothing more than useless as his legs soon gave out on him. He crumpled to the ground with a quiet groan; and despite the impending pain, he immediately reached out to protect not himself, but the flowers clasped to his chest. His side slammed against the pavement, and he was lucky it wasn't his head, instead.
"Oh my--are you okay?!" Jihoon scrambled down beside him as his saddened eyes turned frantic. His body rushed into action, obeying his very first instinct: to force the male into a tight hug and keep all of his pieces intact. "Are you okay?" he asked worriedly, sitting down on the ground to make Soonyoung's position more comfortable for him. "What happened?"
"I'm fine," the blonde mumbled, his eyes screwed shut with pain. What kind of luck was this? Hurting internally and now externally, too? He was sure that whatever god was out there was mad at him for something. "I forgot, uhm... If you lock your knees for a long period of time, then... well..." Even though it was aching, his body still wanted to react to the heat of the other male, to the sound of his beating heart, but he forced his limbs to remain in place: glued to his own body. If he moved forward, he wouldn't be able to let go, and he could not have that. "Sorry, I need to get up."
Jihoon locked his limbs even more securely than before. "No, don't get up yet. Just stay for a second."
"I shouldn'--"
"Please."
"I can't."
"Just listen to me," Jihoon urged, and the other had no choice but to remain silent. Nothing was said between the two; the only sounds made were from their breath and their hearts--pounding in sync. Their minds were racing with thoughts and possibilities, but only one of them was hopeful. The other wouldn't allow himself to be.
Only after he was sure he could contain himself no longer, Jihoon gently gripped the other's shoulders and urged him away.
"I need you to look at me, okay?"
Soonyoung swallowed thickly as the urge to cry grew even stronger. He almost wanted to scream. Why all this build up? Why couldn't Jihoon make their last moment as quick and painless as it could be? Why was he forcing this to last when he knew that Soonyoung was so in love with him that it hurt? Why? Just why? What was so great about making it hurt?
"Okay."
Soonyoung set his palm flat on the pavement, using that as his stabilizer as he settled himself. Though it sent his body burning, he did as the love of his life had asked him to and connected their gazes. Jihoon's eyes were dark yet as magnificent as ever. Some odd emotion was swimming beneath the surface of his irises, but Soonyoung couldn't tell which. His sight was too fuzzy with tears to make out anything clearly. "What is it?" he asked in nothing more than a whisper, ignoring the lump in his throat.
Jihoon wordlessly brought his hand up to cup the blonde's cheek. "I think..." He pursed his pink lips, looking absolutely conflicted about something--perhaps the way to say it? His chest rose with a long, heavy breath before he once again spoke. "Soonyoung, if you leaving me behind when I was young wasn't a mistake, then why were we brought together again?" His thumb swiped softly against his skin, in an effort to sooth the male's thoughts. If he didn't do so, he had a feeling that he wouldn't be able to finish without the other interrupting. "I mean, think about it? What is the probability of that happening?"
Soonyoung didn't move, didn't say anything; he was too stunned to do so. Once more, he was left frozen and burning all at once. His insides were frosting over with the impending loneliness and abandonment, yet his entire being was burning in hellfire. This was what yearning was to him: it was hell, and when Jihoon left him behind, it would only become worse.
It didn't matter what the probability of them meeting again was if it meant that, in the end, they weren't going to end up together.
"What is the chance of us meeting? And you said we were together, didn't you? That we loved each other?" Jihoon was searching now, searching for any kind of sign that the blonde was truly comprehending his words. "I've had these few weeks to think, Soonyoung, and what is the probability of me falling in love with you again?"
Wait...
What?
"W-what do you mean?" Soonyoung stuttered breathlessly. "That's not poss... No. No, that... Really?"
The shorter male smiled warmly. Now he was understanding? That was all it took? "I'm sorry I can't remember what we had together. I'm really sorry... but I want to start again, so just give me a chance, okay? I can... I can make you happy like I used to. Can we--"
He didn't have a chance to finish before Soonyoung broke down into sobs. The blonde just couldn't keep the tears in anymore. He yanked Jihoon's arm past his head and enveloped the male as he fell into his chest. To hide just how ugly his cries were, he dug his face into the hilt of the the other's shoulder, where he should, hopefully, be able to stay. He squeezed and squeezed and squeezed... His snot dripped down onto the soft fabric of the other's coat--he would have to apologize for that later--and his tears wet his entire shoulder.
This wasn't possible.
It wasn't.
"I won't leave you," he sniffled.
No.
No, no, no.
It was possible.
Very possible...
Jihoon soothingly ran his fingers through the other's fluffy blonde hair, then pressed his cheek to the locks. "I won't leave you, either," he assured, and that was a promise.
They would start from here.
----
I'm gonna try and get the last few chapters out here in the next few days :)
-Author 🖤