I walked home at a snail's pace feeling lightheaded from all the tag but I didn't regret a moment of it. These past few months I had really come to terms with my full self. I had realized that I was more than just an ailing kid who everyone had pity on. I reached home exhausted from all the physical exertion. Mom was sitting on the couch and reading one of the many magazines that she had subscribed to.
"What took you so long, Ambs?" she asked, curious to know what I had been up to over the past few hours.
"I was at the park mom, I met one of my friends from support group and I played with her friends, and I kinda lost track of time," I said, grabbing a bottle of cold water from the fridge and lying down on the couch beside my mom.
"Who was this friend?" mom asked with one eyebrow raised.
"This friend was a girl whose name was definitely not Noah," I said rolling my eyes.
"I was kidding Ambs, I trust you okay. You're free to make your own decisions but we've been alive so much longer than you and all we want is the best for you."
"Yeah, yeah enough of the lecture, let's watch something," I said, picking up the TV remote from the coffee table. My mom left the magazine and we watched America's Got Talent, because there was no other decent show airing at that time. We ate dinner rather quietly. This had now become a routine, talking only about non-controversial topics and politics. I wanted to go to my room and text Noah but sadly that would have to wait until dinner was over. Dad was going to be here for another month so there was no escaping him. I was literally trapped here. I wanted to be free and live my life on my own terms but that wasn't going to happen anytime soon. After dinner I ran up to my room and texted Noah again:
Hi, you've not been replying to my texts, is something wrong?
I didn't expect him to text me back, so I closed my phone and got out my sketch book. Over the years I'd filled many sketchbooks with my designs and most of my bookshelf consisted of my journals and sketchbooks. I took out an empty one and started sketching. I drew some designs that were inspired by the clothes of some models in my mom's magazines. When I was adding the finishing touches to the last design my phone rang. I checked immediately half expecting Noah's name to pop up and to my surprise it was him. I picked up.
"Hey Ambs!" he said.
"Hi, I was so worried about you,"
"I'm sorry I had um, some urgent work, I was busy the whole day."
"It's okay and I can't call. At least not right now. Can we text instead?" I said trying to be very quiet so that my parents wouldn't hear me.
"Yes, okay sure," he said and then I cut the call. Just when he texted me, I heard a knock on my door. Without haste, I hid my phone under one of the many pillows on my bed and asked whoever was knocking to come in.
"Can I talk?" said my dad. I was expecting my mom. My dad never really gave me room visits.
"Uh, yeah sure," I said clearing my bed and making space for him to sit.
"Look Ambs, I know that you've been angry at your mom and I," he said, holding my shoulder which kind of hurt as my body was still sore from the running but I let it be.
"No, there's nothing like that," I lied.
"Okay, I just want to tell you that something like this happened to me when I was younger and I thought maybe telling you about it would help you understand why we're asking you to listen to us." "Okay?"
"When I was in college, I think it was my second year, I met this girl, Susie. She was beautiful, attractive and funny. I thought I'd never find a better girl than her. We had biology together and slowly we got close. Her friends and her would always be partying, they were borderline reckless but my love for her blinded me. So, one day after biology, she asked me to join her friends at the lake behind our school and I agreed. The party was a standard college kid party; there were drinks and drugs, everything any college kid enjoys and honestly it was fun. Soon we became romantically involved, what you kids call dating and I went for all these parties. My grades dropped drastically and at that time I didn't even care about that."
"After college Susie and I took a big leap and decided we wanted to get married. She said we both were only twenty-two and it was a big decision but I was so in love with her that I didn't even think about it."
"I moved in with her and we lived together for some time. We got married recklessly. There were some things we did and some decisions we made that I regret till today. And then we got divorced. I'll spare you the details of why and how and all."
"How does this have anything to do with Noah?" I was confused.
"Not all that tempts your wandering eyes and heedless hearts is lawful prize Amber, not all that glitters is gold."
"Look I don't even meet Noah anymore so there's no point of warning me also what was that girl's last name?"
"Oh, it was Susie Wilson, she lives in Alabama if I'm not wrong," he said laughing.
"Ambs, in the end it's your life and your decision. I can't make any choice for you, but I just want to let you know that you can always right your wrongs. You have time Amber, think about it."
"Thanks dad," I said as he got up to leave but inside, I knew that I couldn't stay away from Noah. He was the only thing in this dark and deranged world that kept me from spiralling into a train of depressing thoughts. He was the only thing that kept me from going insane. I reached for my phone under my pillow and texted Noah saying, "Sorry my dad came..." He wasn't active so I kept my phone on my nightstand and wrote in my journal. I fell asleep shortly after that.
I wake up pretty late and do my normal morning routine. I had overslept yesterday, probably because of all the weariness and fatigue from yesterday evening. I eat breakfast and observe that my mom and dad did seem a bit more distant than usual. All meals went on mostly silently with just a few comments to not make it so awkward. After all the boring work and house chores, I unlock my phone and see more than five notifications at different times from Noah:
Ambsssss
Are you awake?????
Helloooo
Wake up sleepy head!
It's past 9!
How much do you sleep?
Okay, it is now half past ten, what are you doing!
And the most recent message:
Okay, I give up...
I smile seeing his excitement and I reply back:
I'm up. Why so impatient?
He replies a second later,
Meet me at the park.
I tell my mom I'm going for a walk again and she doesn't ask any other questions. I walk as quickly as my drowsy legs can take me and see Noah was already there. He looked like he'd been waiting for a long time.
"Finally, you came, I've been waiting here since ten," he says as he gets up from the swing he'd been sitting on.
"Hello to you too," I say smiling.
"So, what's up with the eager wait and anxious texts?" I ask.
"Only one way to find out," he says, giving me his hand and I take it. We walk in silence. I could hear the faint chirping of birds, and see the glittering sun rays spread various hues of shiny silvers and golds.
"I don't have much time though," I say after about two minutes of just observing nature.
"Parents?" he asks as he bends down to pick up a fallen flower.
"Yeah... I mean my mom was never like this, she really did like you. I just don't know how it all changed with just a small talk with my dad."
"I guess I know why," he says too quickly.
"Really? Why?" I ask and stop walking.
"Kidding. How would I know what their mysterious talk about hating me was? I've got to be part of the hate club for that," he says and hands the flower over to me.
I just gave him a look which he didn't quite see and we continued walking.
"Okay, so Ambs tell me some stuff about you. Like some deep secrets or anything that not many people know about. Some interesting facts. Anything actually, I'm just bored," he says and sits down on the wet grass.
I sit down slowly and say, "Uh... I can't think of anything so quick."
"Come on. There's got to be something. Anything."
"Um okay, I sleep with my stuffed toy bear. I call him Jerry well 'cause he reminds me of Jerry." I finish and feel embarrassed of what I just said.
"Aw, that's cute," he says smirking.
"Your turn," I say, trying to get on with the next one fast.
"Oh, um when I was young, I always wished that I could be Spiderman when I grew up. So, like whenever I saw a spider, I would go close to it and hope for it to bite me. Very stupid, yes I know," he says sheepishly.
That made me laugh a lot.
"I have arachnophobia."
"I have 'fear-of-being-dumped-by-you'," he says smiling.
"The feeling is mutual," I say chuckling.
"Now I know exactly what to give you for your birthday."
"What?" I ask, unable to hide my smile.
"A spider," he says.
"Ha-ha hilarious. So that's why you did this whole 'spill your secrets' game?"
"Why, what did you think? That I wanted to get to know you? Ew no," he says grinning.
I laugh.
We walk and just talk about normal stuff like school and college and all. Noah was going to finish his 12th in the same school as me. He had skipped a year of school for treatments so he was a grade behind. I was so excited to spend a whole school year with him. I asked him about what he wanted to do after school but he just always said, 'I never think of the future- it comes soon enough' which was a quote by Abraham Lincoln.
I check the time and see that I've been out for almost two hours.
"I have to go, sorry."
"Oh, it's fine. Uh, I'll see you, um soon, I guess?" he says. He seemed disappointed that I had to go so soon.
"It's not like we won't see each other ever again," I point out.
"I know I know. Okay, bye." He hugs me and walks over to where his car was parked.
I quickly call Leo while walking home. It goes straight to voicemail. I call him again and at the third try he finally picks up.
"Sorry I was sleeping," he says
"Oh, sorry to disturb but if my mom asks, tell her I was with you. We met at the park and just talked. Okay thanks, bye," I say and cut the call as I was almost home. I look at the flower that Noah had given me and happiness and excitement overwhelms me. I hide the flower in my purse, trying my best not to ruin any of the petals and enter my house.
By the time I reached my doorstep, I was completely debilitated. I rang the doorbell three times hoping that someone would open the door before I fainted again. Finally, on the fourth ring, I heard my mom shuffling towards the door.
"Gosh, mom what took you so long!" I said with an annoyed look on my face.
"Sorry, sweetie. I was finishing some important stuff and dad's out for work," she said ushering me into the house. "Oh, when is he going to be back?" I said, hoping her to say that he's only going to be back after five months or so.
"Now don't get ahead of yourself Ambs, he'll be back the day before your birthday," she said laughing. My mom knew how much I abhorred his presence and how I liked the house better when it was just my mom and I.
"Ugh I wish he'd stay there for longer. Why did he go though?" I asked inquisitively.
"He had an urgent meeting in Manhattan. He's going to stay in a motel there for a few days because it's very far from our house and he has early morning meetings."
"Oh okay," I said seizing a bottle of sting from the fridge and sitting down on the couch.
"Now that we have some mother-daughter time, maybe just maybe you can tell me the real reason why you suddenly hate Noah so much," I added. She just laughed and said,
"Ambs, your dad already spoke to you about this and I don't think I owe you an explanation as to why he's not right for you."
"Well you do, mom and I'd like to know what suddenly changed your opinion about Noah." "Ambs, I can't change your judgment about someone but I sure can tell you that I've seen guys like Noah and I've seen how they can impact young girls like you. I just want the best for you, he behaves like such a nobleman but he's just the opposite trust me, please." I tried my best to keep myself cool but my insides were burning. How could she even think that? Just a few days ago she was baking muffins with him and now he's the bad guy. How did this happen? What did dad say to her? Was there something they were hiding? I had so many questions and I didn't have the resolution to any of them.
"What exactly happened that made you think this? Did he do something that I don't know about? Mom the least you can do is be honest with me," I said looking at her dead in the eyes.
"Sometimes Ambs, ignorance is bliss," she said getting up from the couch and walking towards the kitchen to make lunch.
"No mom! Whatever you and dad are hiding from me, I'm going to find out and when I do, you're going to be responsible for the damage!" After saying that I stormed off into my bedroom and slammed my door to let my mom know that I was pissed. I didn't want to talk to anyone, anyone except Noah. He was the only one who made me happy at this point and Leo of course but he has suddenly become so distant and whenever I'd ask him to join Noah and I, he'd always make an excuse or maybe he really was busy. I decided to text him so that we could meet later during the day.
Hey, Leo wanna hang?
He texted back almost immediately:
Hey, Ambs! I have a very important exam on the 27th. I'm really busy these days. Can we hang tomorrow? Sorry, ily.
I sighed when I saw the text. I thought I would meet Leo and I could get my mind off things but he's busy so I had nothing to do and I couldn't meet Noah. So, I was stuck at home with my mom who was pissed at me for liking a guy who was allegedly "bad".
After lunch, I went back to my room and drew for at least three hours and then wrote in my journal thinking about the events that had happened over the past few days. Did Noah know about this "thing". I guess I'd never know. The only thing I knew right now was that I loved Noah Dixon and I didn't want to let go of him under any circumstances. Not to sound super cheesy but he was the ray of sunlight on my rainy day, he was the very thing that made me feel alive. I didn't know why my parents didn't see that. Well my mom saw that once, but then something happened. I wanted to call Noah and tell him about everything but he didn't pick up. My mom came back from work by dinner and she'd picked up shawarmas on the way home. Other than the walk with Noah this morning this was the only good thing that happened today. We ate together laughing and joking while watching random TV shows. I decided to sleep with my mom today. She sang this nursery rhyme she always sang to me when I was in preschool. I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. I missed the times where I didn't care about anything. The time when I was small, innocent and naive. Now I was seventeen. I had responsibilities and problems in my life. Nothing was the same. I always dreamt of getting older fast so that I could live my life on my terms but now more than ever I just wanted to become that small naive girl again and crawl into my mother's arms because I felt so safe and secure there.
I woke up to the sound of birds outside our house the next morning, which was annoying as I wanted to sleep in late. I didn't have anything to do anyway.
I walked out of the bedroom sluggishly and plopped myself on to the couch. Mom wasn't anywhere and then I saw a note on the kitchen counter. It read,
'I'm going to be late today. Lunch is in the fridge. Love ya, –mom.'
I was alone again. Ugh, I was going to get so bored. I decided to call Leo as he had promised that we'd hang out today.
He picked up on the second ring,
"Hey," I said.
"Hi ambs, what's up?" he said.
"I'm so bored, mom's gonna be out late so you wanna come over? We can watch Netflix." I knew Netflix was enough of a bribe to get him to come over. "Yeah sure I'll be there in an hour, just need to finish up a couple of chores."
"Okay sure, that works."
"Bye," he said and I heard the beep which you hear after a call gets cut. I made myself an omelette and toast for breakfast. I ate it on the couch, scrolling through Instagram when I came across a new post on Noah's account. It was a collage of four pictures; there was one with Triya, one with his mom, one with me and a group photo of some of his friends in school. The caption on the post was:
'Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it. Cherish every person that makes you happy while you have the time to.'
It sounded very sadistic and unlike Noah. Since my parents weren't home, I decided to call him but it went straight to voicemail. I left a message for him as for the first time in so long, I could talk to him freely.
"Hey Noah, I miss you. Call me back when you get this."
Leo was to come in another fifteen minutes so I got up and went to my room to take a quick shower. I checked my phone after coming out of the shower and there were four new texts from Noah. I checked them quickly as Leo would be coming any minute and I need to get dressed before that. The texts were:
Hey, ambs!
Sorry, I couldn't pick up. I was helping my mom cook.
Do you wanna meet today?
Only if your parents are okay with it though, no pressure.
I replied to him in a haste.
Yeah sure! Does four o'clock work?
I got dressed and sat on the couch waiting for Leo. I decided to ask Leo if he fancied joining Noah and me since now, without Cassie he was really lonely.
I opened the door and hugged him tight.
"Hey loser, it's been so long!"
"Nice to see you too, Amber," he said with his big goofy smile. We made popcorn and ate it while watching Netflix. Hours past and it was lunchtime.
"Leo wanna have lunch here? I think my mom left enough for the both of us," I asked him while switching the television off.
"I should get going, my mom would be expecting me home anytime now."
"Okay then," I said. "Also, Noah and I are meeting at four today, do you wanna join?"
"Um I'm busy, I'll see. Thanks for asking though," he said.
"Well unlike you, I'm a great best friend," I said laughing. "Text me if you wanna join okay?"
"Yeah sure," he said, hugging me and then walking towards his car. After he drove away, I walked back inside and ate lunch just waiting for the clock to strike four.
Around 4 o'clock, I heard the bell ring; I was in my room getting ready. This wasn't a date or anything but I had to be presentable. I wore a white sweatshirt and jeans. It was simple and I liked it.
"Hey, you look beautiful," he said when I opened the door. I wasn't even wearing anything fancy but yet he tried to make me feel good about myself which I appreciated.
"And you look handsome as ever," I said laughing. I locked the door behind me. I had left a note for mom which said that I'd gone out with Leo and I'd be home by seven. I had also made sure that I called Leo in advance to tell him what to say if my mom called as he couldn't accompany us because of his test. After all of this, we sat in the car ready to go wherever Noah planned to take me. "So where to?" I said. Noah always had a plan and it was always a good one.
"Nowhere."
I was confused.
"What do you mean nowhere?" I asked with an arched eyebrow.
"We're just going to see where the road takes us. You know, go with the flow."
"Okay, I'm excited," I said while rolling down the window.
"So am I," he said turning on the radio. We sang songs and laughed and joked around, it was like the rides back home from support camp all over again.
That reminded me of the picture he posted on his Instagram.
"Noah, what did the caption on your post mean, is everything alright?"
"Uh yeah everything is fine, I was just feeling sentimental, I guess."
"Hey, if there is anything wrong you know that you can talk to me, right?" I said putting my hand on his. He held my hand and said,
"Yeah don't worry about me I'm okay." I nodded my head in reply. We drove for another thirty minutes and now we were out of the urban part of New York and things started to appear more rustic and simpler. We drove past miles and miles of farmland and wide-open fields, the balmy winds hitting my face through the open window.
"Are you hungry?" asked Noah after a few minutes of silence.
"Yeah, starving actually."
"Let's stop and get something to eat." There were no cafes or restaurants for miles and that meant we had to stop at a local convenience store and grab something.
We stopped at around six o'clock and bought two cans of coke and two packets of Doritos. We ate in the car. "So, how's stuff with your parents?" asked Noah conversationally.
"Better, I guess. Moms actually pretty much back to normal," I said.
"That is great news, I can't tell you how sorry I am for ruining things with your parents."
"You don't have to be, they just can't look past the fact that once upon a time you weren't the nicest human being on the planet," I said taking a sip of my coke.
"So, you think that I'm the nicest human being on the planet now?" he asked, smirking.
"Geez, when did I say that? Of course not. If you didn't already know Noah Dixon, you suck," I said sarcastically.
"That is one thing that I know of Amber Miller." We drove back home after we finished eating and I reached back before my mom came, so I guess there was no need for the note after all. I freshened up and changed into my pyjamas and decided that I'd cook for my mom. She's always so busy with work and household chores that she barely even gets time for herself. I wanted to make her happy and try to regain the lost faith she had in me. I made grilled chicken, her favourite dish and it turned out way better than I had expected. Mom came home around nine and she looked so worn out.
"Amber, I'm so sorry you must be starving," she said as she put the keys in its place.
"Not quite. I made dinner today," I say and a smile shot across my mom's face.
She quickly freshened up and we sat down to eat dinner.
"Yum," she cried.
She loved the chicken. I guess Noah had taught me a thing or two about cooking. She couldn't stop raving about how it was perfectly tender and juicy at the same time.
"Oh my, Ambs this is delicious, you should cook more."
"Thanks, mom," I said watching her eat as if she'd never eaten before.
I went to sleep at ten after reading a book and writing in my journal.
The next morning was the same as any other day. The only thing that gives me strength to get up every morning from my bed and go about my day is the hope of seeing Noah. With my birthday just two days away, I thought that my very short list of friends would want to spend more time with me. I unlock my phone and see a DM from Leo:
Sorry, I won't be able to hang out today and tomorrow because of that test. Need to finish studying so I can meet you on your b'day.
Great.
So Leo was out of the picture, leaving only Noah. I was just going through my books as school was starting in a week when I heard my ringtone. It was Noah. Oh, thank goodness! I went out of my room to check where my mom was and I did a tiny dance inside myself when I found out she wasn't home. Might have gone to buy groceries. I answer and my whole body fills with delight when I hear his voice.
"Hey you," he says with that deep body-captivating voice.
"Hey you," I replied back.
"See Ambs please don't get sad or anything but I won't be able to meet or talk for the next two days. Don't come home either. Mom thinks I'm whacked up with all the walking and all. I'm going to start studying also so I can't be disturbed. Sorry." He said this all so fast as if he was reading it off from a paper. A tide of disappointment and frustration hit me hard.
"Yeah, okay no issues"
"Okay then, bye, love ya." And he cut the call, not giving me a chance to say it back.
"I love you too." I whisper, fully aware he can't hear me. I just fall on my bed, close my eyes and think.
It's the 24th. Day after I'm turning seventeen, not that I care, but suddenly I'm drifting away from everyone. My dad, although I was never close to him, Leo who seemed way busier with all his tests than usual, Noah who was suddenly 'studying' before school started and he was anything but a guy who would just study during summer vacations. And my mom. My mom who was suddenly hiding something and wanting me to let go of my only source of happiness. Everyone was lying to me. Or maybe I was just overthinking.
I start going through all the unusual stuff that has happened in my head when I remember something.
24th. I was supposed to have gone for the internship. I was supposed to finally live my dream. With all the glitches and setbacks in my life, I haven't thought about how to set things right. And my biggest opportunity just slipped from my hands. I checked the time and it was already eleven. My mom said she would think about the internship and after that I didn't even contact Erin. I quickly unplug my phone from charging and call Erin.
"Yes?" she says.
"Hey, Erin, it's Amber, Noah's friend. I'm sorry I forgot to contact you earlier but is there any chance I could still join the internship?"
"Sorry but the spots are filled. It's already started too. You should have called earlier but you didn't so your spot was given to someone more committed than you. If anything pops up, I'll inform you."
I couldn't believe it! I just blew off my only chance of becoming a designer. I couldn't afford design school and something that I could afford, I blew it off. I thank Erin and cut the call. I was so absorbed in thinking about my problems that I never really thought of any solutions.
The entire next day I felt miserable. I felt more tired than I ever had, be it the walk up to Triya's grave or the tag game. I was exhausted by all the thinking. It was about nine in the night, and I already missed Noah so much. Sure, a ten-minute call wouldn't hurt his studies or whatever he was doing. He did tell me not to call or text but I couldn't wait any longer. I called but it said that the phone was switched off. Okay if he was studying, he was working hard.
Leo and I had texted for few minutes earlier then he had to go study too.
I didn't push him too hard to talk because I felt contrite and guilty for not being there more for Leo. I hadn't spent much time after his break up and didn't even ask how he was doing. It was a serious relationship that he had gotten out off. He was there for me every bit of my journey with Noah, well except recently. I realized that what Leo said about a month back about me never caring about him was true. Maybe that was the reason he was suddenly being distant with me.
I was dwelling on my thought when I heard a knock on the door and to my utter displeasure it was my dad.
He was holding a bag.
"What's with the unpleasant surprise?" I ask.
"Come to the living room." And he leaves, leaving the door open. I hated these 'family talks' but nevertheless I went.
"I need to talk to you about something,"my dad says as I sit on the worn-out couch. My mom was in the kitchen preparing dinner.
"Oh god if it's about Noah please save it," I say.
"Actually, it's not." I nod, meaning for him to continue.
"Now that you're turning seventeen, you're one year away from being an adult and living your own life. I know that you wanted to become a fashion designer but as you see it's just going downhill. If this never works out, you could always do what I do. Work in the factory."
What. I don't reply and he continues,
"I know it's not what you want, but working in the factory would be nice and simple. I've earned the respect of all my coworkers so you would have an easy time. When I leave this world, you can finish the work I did." He takes out a yellow hard hat from the bag, the one he wore while working.
"You can always use this."
"You know I want to get into designing," I say.
"Yes, but we don't have the money. You require a lot of training but we can't afford all that." he says looking deep into my eyes and for the first time I realize he has beautiful deep green eyes like Noah's.
"That wouldn't have been that huge of a problem if you just let me take the internship!" I shoot back.
"Amber see, I'm just saying it's your choice. I mean with NF and all the spots it's practically impossible to get into designing," he says and then realizes what he just said.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I just-"
"It's fine, dad." I cut him off and went back to my room.
My head was clouded with thoughts. I didn't want to think and break my head on all that, at least not now. I go take a quick hot shower to clear up my head.
When I came out I saw that mom had left a burrito on the table.
I eat and wash the plate in the kitchen. I go back to my room and get ready to sleep. I tuck myself in and check the time. Sharp eleven.
I try to sleep but unlike yesterday it wasn't that easy. The conversation kept replaying inside my head. I hug Jerry tight and try my best to not let the tears come but I can't stop myself. I thought I would be able to live a normal life even with NF but my dad himself didn't consider me normal. I pick up my phone to check the time and see my face on the black screen. The spots clearly visible through all the smudged makeup. It was five minutes past twelve.
"Happy Birthday Amber," I whisper and cry myself to sleep.