Karna knew something was wrong. He could see it in the way the Bhavin had his head bowed and was refusing to meet his eyes. Karna had been waiting for close to two hours to be shown the guest room where he would be staying but one look at the head of royal servants and he just knew. Still, he waited for Bhavin to say it as a confirmation. He gritted his teeth and felt hot pain sear his heart because even though he knew he deserved this, he hadn't expected it to come from her.
Maybe Uncle Shakuni or Dushasana, but certainly not Mata Gandhari.
He nodded at Bhavin, patted his arm and then left without a word. In that moment, he felt more sorry for Bhavin than he felt for himself. Poor man couldn't even bring himself to say it. Bowing in the direction of the Ganesha Temple, he took a detour, hoping that the walk would ease his nerves as he quietly made his way to his childhood home. Yes, where else could he go now.
Forgive me Maharathi Karna but......Mata Gandhari.....she ordered me to inform you that you are.........not welcome to stay inside the palace grounds.
By then Karna was certain that Bhavin would break down, so he quietened him and ignored the hollow, empty feeling in his chest. He could comprehend Mata Gandhari's consternation at having him here and decided not to torment her; he left without a word, even though this was a gross insult on their part to act this way to a guest. He wondered if King Dhritarshtra knew about this, considering he had almost begged for his assistance in his letters.
But Karna was so used to being insulted that it didn't sting him that much. Maybe that's why he had not lost his temper in the royal sabha when every facet of his being was derided by the same men who he had vanquished in his world conquests. He could feel the hatred pouring off them in waves, their revulsion at his audacity to come back to Hastinapur after what he had done a year ago. Some of them were justified in their anger, even Karna had to agree to that, but most of the kings had used this opportunity to malign him for no other reason but the fact that he was a lowborn and they hated him for it. He knew that according to Kshatriya Dharma victory in battle was quintessential to gain respect and glory in the eyes of other warriors and defeat was the ultimate damnation. But to be subjugated by someone who was undeserving of even holding a weapon would surely be an even bigger disgrace. No wonder they hated him. He reminded them of their own incompetence.
He walked away from the shining lights of the city and deeper into the lanes of thatched huts that all looked the same. He had entered the part that was housed by the less fortunate like him and he gazed wistfully, remembering the childhood he had spent here. His father had their house constructed some feet away from the houses of the other charioteers and closer to the forests so that Karna could practice his archery without any disturbance. As he moved closer to his childhood home he tried to ignore the pang of hurt at the sight of several widows, washing utensils near the local pond, taking out their frustration at destiny's lack of compassion on the already bent utensils. His heart sank when he saw old, wearied parents sitting close together lamenting why they were alive when their sons weren't. Children ran amuck, unruly and wild, having no one to teach them discipline, no one to hold them and guide them for their lives ahead. The gut wrenching pain of loss was so apparent that Karna could hardly breathe and he quickened his pace, cursing himself for taking the longer route.
He had no idea how to describe the feeling in his chest when he finally reached his home. The sturdy residence stood proud and welcoming, having beaten both weather and time ,waiting for its masters to return. Karna entered his house tentatively, noticing the mouldy smell that seemed to permeate through the walls. His father had insisted that he would live here despite his repeated requests to join him in Anga. He even refused to stay at the palace that Duryodhana had constructed for him to live in when Karna visited Hastinapura. It was only when his health began to deteriorate did he allow himself to be dragged out of his ancestral home. But Karna could understand. There was something truly sacred about this place.
Oh! And the palace that had been constructed in his honor now lay in ruins, incurring the wrath of Duryodhana who had torn down the place with his bare hands. He had destroyed every single reminder of their friendship, chucking them into the fire that didn't possess even a tenth of his rage.
Karna was very sad to see the inside of the house that had insects roaming freely on the floor, broken pots tossed to the side and cheap, wooden furniture having succumbed to the overwhelming perseverance of termites. The windows were broken, and the kitchen was flourishing under the hegemony of cockroaches and rats. Karna sighed. It was going to be a long night.
After carrying earthen pots full of water back and forth, he knelt down and got to work. The insects fought back bravely but finally capitulated to the herbal paste that he had made from the plants and roots he found in the forest. His mother used to prepare it often since their house was more susceptible to insects, being so close to the woodlands, and he thanked his lucky stars that he actually remembered the technique. He scrubbed on the floor hard, trying to get layers and layers of dust out, ignoring his own blackened hands. After what felt like eternity he had managed to well somewhat clean up the living room to the point where he could at least spend the night there. He brought out an old mat from his mother's room, then sighed when he noticed that the mice had chewed it out to the point of no return. And he hadn't even begun to clean his and his parents' room. Dejected, he fell to the floor in exhaustion.
All he wanted to do was to go to sleep, but his stubborn mind refused to accommodate this one very simple request. He contemplated hitting himself in the head with a log of wood enough times to render him unconscious, but he figured that he might miss waking up in time for the puja where he would undoubtedly be humiliated yet again. And who doesn't enjoy a bunch of people throwing insults at them left, right and centre?
Karna tried to relax himself but there were still a few ants crawling on the floor and his limbs felt as if they were filled with lead and his head was threatening to explode at having to labour for close to five hours after undertaking a journey of eight whole days. Still, he closed his eyes and allowed darkness to engulf his mind.
A few hours had passed before Karna awoke at the feeling of wetness at his feet. Annoyed,he sat up and rubbed his eyes, cursing the damn rats who had probably overturned one of the pots of water. But when his eyes adjusted to the darkness, Karna found that he was mistaken.
It wasn't a rat but a person. And those were tears, not water.
"Lakshman!" Karna exclaimed, seeing the boy bent at his feet. Duryodhana's son stared at him with eyes so distraught that Karna could hardly breathe. Instinctively he moved towards Lakshman, enveloping him in a hard hug and Lakshman all but dissolved into his arms. Karna ran a hand through Lakshman's dark hair, the gesture so natural, and he just sat there holding him and wondering whether Duryodhana's children had taken an oath to break his already broken heart every time they saw him.
'My child, what are you doing here?" Karna asked. It was still some time before sunrise. He rubbed his hand on Lakshman's back in a vain effort to ease his pain.
"I went to see you but....Bhavin told me what Grandmother had done so I....spent the night looking for you. " Lakshman managed to spit out as his breathing slowly returned to normal. "I am so sorry Uncle...I had no idea."
"What are you apologizing for, Lakshman? You, who has done no wrong."
Lakshman wiped away his tears furiously and grabbed his arm. "You must come with me, Uncle Vasu. I'll talk to Grandmother, she can't do this. This is just......"
"She is in pain." Karna said softly, cupping the boy's face.
"But Uncle Vasu, how can you stay here!"
Karna smiled then. "Like I did when I was a child. Well, you weren't even born back then, but this is where I lived with my parents before I became a king."
"But look at the state of this house! I can't let you stay here. No, you are coming with me!"
"Lakshman, do not worry over me. I am fine, here. This place is sacred to me, this is where I spent my childhood, where my mother cooked my favorite food and my father put me to sleep every night. This house may seem like nothing but a hovel to you but for me it is dearer than any palace. "
"At least let the servants clean it up before you stay here." Lakshman picked up the torn mat from the floor and stared at him with sad eyes.
Karna sighed. "Lakshman, I will clean it up by myself. You mustn't disturb yourself over my living conditions, you have far more important things to worry about."
Lakshman looked like he wanted to argue but decided not too. "Lakshmana wrote to me about seeing you in Panchala but I didn't believe it until I saw you enter the courtroom. How are you, uncle?"
"I am fine, son but are you alright?"
Lakshman shrugged and started to speak but Karna silenced him with one look. "Do not disrespect my intelligence by lying."
Lakshman's shoulders sagged, and he closed his eyes, looking deeply tired of the world. "How does it matter, Uncle Vasu? Everyone here is chasing their own personal glory and their fanatical dreams. Who cares what I think?"
"I do." Karna said quietly. "I care."
Lakshman stiffened in his arms and his face hardened. "I am sure you have your own troubles to worry about."
Karna noticed the bitterness in Lakshman's voice and the way his lower lip trembled in silent rage. His hands were shaking, and he was making a deliberate effort to avoid his eyes.
"Lakshman?"
I am sorry I shouldn't have come here like this..........I don't know what I was thinking." Duryodhana's son began to move away.
"Lakshman?"
"Obviously you were tired and in deep sleep........I am such a fool....."
"Are you upset with me, child?" Karna asked, grabbing Lakshman's arm before he escaped from him.
Lakshman's face was blank. "Of course not, Uncle. Clearly, I misunderstood the depth of our relationship. Why must you bear the responsibility of my misguided expectations?"
"My child, you cannot possibly think-"
"But I do, Uncle. I do. What else am I supposed to think?"
"Lakshman.."
"A part of me knows that after what happened......after what you did......it was wiser and safer to leave but there's another part that wishes....." Lakshman lowered his head and sighed heavily.
"Do you know what thoughts ran in my mind when there was no news of you for months? Do you have even the slightest idea what hell we have been going through? Lakshmana wrote to me every week asking of your whereabouts and I had nothing to tell her. Every time I sat at the desk, my hands shaking, praying that the lies I was telling her would turn out to be true. It was only after the letter from Dwarka where Shri Krishna hinted that he had located you, that I could breathe a sigh of relief! That my mind could finally stop haunting me of harrowing possibilities that have awakened within me after your disappearance. "
"Lakshman, listen-"
"It's alright, Uncle. You needn't offer any explanation. It is obvious where we feature in your list of priorities."
"Lakshman!" Karna exclaimed and pulled the boy roughly by his shoulder.
"Don't you ever....ever insinuate that I do not care for you or your sister."
"Uncle-"
"No!" He said firmly, feeling something heavy settle in his throat, weighing down on his words. "I have cradled you in my arms, helped you take your first steps and loved you like my own son. How can you say I do not care?"
"Then why weren't you here?" Lakshman's tone was accusatory. "I don't care about what happened or what you did or whether it was right or wrong. I don't care that we lost the war and had to suffer the shame of defeat. I don't care if this world was going to hell. All I know is that you were gone..............and that I deserved a goodbye in the very least."
"You deserve far more than that. Oh Lakshman! I wanted to but......things were so complicated............believe me, not a day has passed when I have not thought of you. You are like a son to me. Please, forgive me."
Lakshman looked away, his eyes blurring with tears and conflict evident on his face.
Karna felt an aching pain in his heart. How was it that no matter what he did all he managed was to make the people he loved completely miserable? Why was it that all his decisions ultimately were decided by fate and not him. He had no control over anything, it seemed. Nor any power to make things right. No matter what he did, eventually destiny always got the better of him.
"Lakshman I can handle all the contempt that the world has for me but I cannot bear hatred from someone I hold so dear." Karna said, his voice weak and watery.
Lakshman's head snapped up fast and he shook his head furiously. "No.....no.....Uncle that's not .......I don't hate you! That's preposterous! I just.........." Lakshman ran a hand through his hair and chuckled bitterly. " I was hurt and....scared. And you weren't here."
Karna wrapped his arms around Lakshman, who let out a sound that was somewhere between a laugh and a sob. "I missed you, Uncle Vasu."
"I missed you too, kid. So much." He mumbled and heard Lakshman cry in response.
And he had. This kid was so special to him. In so many ways he reminded him of himself. How could anyone not dote on Lakshman Kumar? He may have been a prince and yet there was no pride that maligned his face nor any conceit that lured him towards pontifical patronizing. He could find no fault in Lakshman Kumar even if he tried.
He loved this kid so much. Having him here lifted a burden off Karna's chest. He had blessed him with peace.
"How is it that both of Bhanumati's children are so generous with their love and their forgiveness?" He asked after a few moments when Lakshman had quietened down.
"They aren't like that with everyone." Lakshman smiled at him. "Only with special people."
"That includes me?" Karna asked playfully.
Lakshman laughed and nodded at him. "Absolutely."
"Then be honest with me, child. What is going on? I've noticed it in your manner. There is something that troubles you. I can see it."
"Oh it's nothing. I am just tired."
"It's not just that." Karna said resolutely and pointed at the dark circles under his amber eyes.
"Uncle-"
"Speak freely, Lakshman. When have you ever had to control your tongue around me? Have you lost your confidence in me?"
Lakshman struggled to respond.
"Go ahead, Child."
"Uncle Vasu, I am no maharathi but I raged into battle at my father's command. I thought I would be blessed to see the manifestation of Kshatriya dharma in the form of war, but all I saw was overwhelming death and destruction. I watched Pitamah Bhishma fall, he who had lived his entire life by the code of dharma. I saw my uncles being murdered in the most horrific manner possible, and scores and scores of our soldiers perishing under the might of divine astras that never should have been trusted in the hands of men. I have seen rules being bent to suit each side and no compassion, no mercy. Forgive me, but I do not understand the point of it all."
The truth was, Karna didn't understand the point either. Whatever fury had consumed him in the battle had deserted him the minute he had put his bow down to save Abhimanyu. Actually, his spirit had been broken long before when Kunti had told him the truth, but by then he knew that he had no power to change the tide of time. So he had given in to his rage, desperation or whatever the heck those dark, disturbing emotions were. What other choice did he have?
"They hate you for abandoning the battlefield but I wonder what would have happened if you hadn't? How long would the carnage have lasted? How many more would have been killed?" Lakshmana shuddered, gazing off at the distance.
"And for what?" He added in a softer tone.
"But Lakshman, after what I did......."
"Yours was the only act of kindness I witnessed on the battlefield. It was jarring really.......it pulled me back to the reality of the sheer insanity that had swaddled all the warriors fighting in Kurukshetra . How can I hold that against you?"
"But......but your father-"
Lakshman looked at him incredulously. "I am not naive enough to believe that I can understand your motives Uncle Vasu but I am certain that they must have been deeply significant if you chose to take such a drastic step. As for my father I have seen in him torment that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy but now that you are here you must allow me to feel relieved for I am certain that only you can save him from himself."
The conviction in Lakshman's voice caused a spasm of anxiety to bubble in his chest. He wasn't even sure how exactly he was going to approach Duryodhana. Even a year had not been enough for him to gather the strength to face his best friend, whose heart he had broken down to splinters then ground into fine dust. What would he even say to him?
Ignoring the growing restlessness in his heart, he smiled at Lakshman. "My child, you need to get some rest for tomorrow's puja."
Lakshman shook his head, begging him to let him stay. So Karna relented, but only after forcing Lakshman to lay his head in his lap as he slept. He gently caressed his forehead, feeling some of the tension dissipate and hummed a sweet lullaby that his mother used to sing to him. In no time, Lakshman fell asleep and Karna gazed at the hard outline of his face that used to be so gentle and kind. Did he do this? Did the Pandavas and Kauravas do this? Turn a smart, optimistic, warm boy into a bitter soul who gazed at the world with cynicism instead of hope, with resignation instead of joy?
Lakshman slept soundly in the lap of his uncle who he trusted so deeply but Karna stayed awake mulling deep, dark and dangerous thoughts as he stared at the horizon listlessly waiting for his father to grant him some peace even if for a brief amount of time.
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Man, I haven't even edited this chapter. Will probably do that later. I've only published this because some of you were getting so anxious .
Anyway let me know what you guys think in the comments below. Bye for now.