Before I go any further, I have to go back.
Two years before my brother and his wife died in a car accident on the Pennsylvania turnpike, I was driving a rental car on the same road towards Windber for their baby shower. Noah was still just a boy-or-girl blob on a sonogram and I was in the throes of a new relationship. It was the first time I had been back since I was eighteen years old and to say I was dreading it was an understatement.
There was a fight with Phil on the phone back in New York when I said I wasn't coming. I was standing by the radiator in my apartment, trying to get warm after a long walk in the snow. "What do you mean? You have to come to the shower!" he yelled. "We've planned for you to be here. There are little cakes!"
"Aren't showers women-only? If this is because I'm gay..."
"It's not just women. Darren and I will be there. It's all very gender-neutral until we know the sex of the baby." I could hear him rolling his eyes. "And you're not that gay."
"I'll be there in a month for the birth. Or Christmas. Isn't that enough? It's a long drive." There were some muffled sounds over the phone. "Hello?"
Theresa picked up. "Ryan, I am forty pounds overweight, my hair is falling out, and I'm about to have a house full of backwoods Barbies who will inevitably touch my belly and coo at me in cartoon voices. Your brother is buying a house and I could pop at any second. If I don't see you here tomorrow afternoon enjoying the special fucking cakes I ordered, I will crawl to New York if I have to and kill you myself." Then the phone went dead.
An unknown number sent me a text message. I opened it to find a picture of Theresa, all belly and arms, yelling at my brother in their apartment. Of course Darren was with them. I saved his number in my phone and told him I'd be there the next day. The cakes better be good. He sent me another picture, this time a selfie. He was smiling with pink and blue icing around his lips, holding up a half-eaten cake.
The shower was at Darren's house. Theresa's sister Jeanine did the decorating. She draped the drab furniture with pink and blue everything; streamers, balloons, banners, napkins, fake sonograms, stork cutouts. For every pink princess tiara, there was a blue prince's crown and even more little black question marks hanging everywhere. It looked like unborn royal twins were throwing a murder mystery party. I wished I was a doctor so I could just spoil it for them.
I arrived a little before the party started. The house was already full of people, caterers and Theresa's close family members. I recognized them from the wedding as I looked around from my spot in the foyer and waved. It was loud and people were moving about in a rush. I thought I heard Theresa yelling in the kitchen as I hung my coat. I walked down the hallway towards her voice, but I was intercepted. Darren pulled me into the pantry before I could be seen in the kitchen. He covered my mouth with his hand and held a finger up to his own. When he was confident I wouldn't scream, he let go of me.
"What are you doing?" I whispered. Our faces were about three inches apart in the poorly lit pantry, surrounded by cans of tuna and bottles of diet coke. I had never been so close to him in the twenty years I'd known him.
"It's world war three out there," he said. He titled his head as if to cue the battle.
I heard Theresa's voice, a little muffled through the door. "I told you if I saw one flash of sports on the TV today while we were getting ready that you would be taken out back and hung up by your balls."
Poor Phil tried to rebuttal. "It's Darren's house. I can't exactly tell him to stop watching the game."
Then there was a crash of something being thrown into a wall, probably aimed at Phil's head. Darren and I laughed from inside the pantry. I asked him what was going on and he just shrugged his shoulders and rolled his eyes. As if to say, this is it, this is how two people share their lives, of course they're throwing things at each other. Our smiles faded and we looked around at the contents of the pantry, thinking about something to say and waiting for the coast to clear. The thing about Darren and me, we had been in each other's lives for almost forever, but we were never alone. Anything we knew about the other was because of someone else. One thing I did know was he probably had some hot chick waiting for a refill somewhere in the house.
"So how are you, city boy?" he asked. "I heard you have a boyfriend."
"I don't have a boyfriend. Yet." I was immediately annoyed at Phil for telling him.
"You should have brought him. Maybe seeing your crazy family would have sealed the deal."
"We're not all as goal-oriented as you."
"Aren't gay men like known for being sluts?"
"What do you know about gay men?"
Darren was about to say something when suddenly the door opened and a cater waiter screamed in the doorway at the sight of us. She dropped a bottle of champagne, there was a loud crash of glass and bubbles, and then immediately started picking up the pieces and apologizing.
Theresa came stomping over. "Great," she said to Phil when she spotted us on the floor, helping the girl. "Obviously your ability to ruin everything is genetic. Your brother is here." And then she stormed off, which was more like a waddle in her flip flops. I could hear her climbing the stairs very slowly in the distance.
When the mess was cleared, Phil returned to the kitchen after chasing down his wife and getting dismissed, and then embraced me. "You probably should have stayed away," he joked. "Wanna go for a walk?"
"It's freezing outside, Phil," I said.
"Walk with me."
We headed to the front door, where Theresa appeared out of nowhere. "Going somewhere boys?"
"I just want to show it to Ryan real quick. We'll be right back."
"Show me what?"
"Hi, Ryan," Theresa said, kissing my cheek and ignoring my brother. "I'm glad you could make it and destroy everything in the process." And then, "Phil, put on your damn wedding ring. You left it on the nightstand this morning." She handed him the silver band.
"Don't know how I could have done that. Thanks, hun." He rolled his eyes when he was sure she was gone and we both shook our heads. "They don't warn you about pregnancy hormones on the marriage label."
There was a fresh layer of snow outside, the town painted in white. We walked away from the house and down the street without any jackets. I crossed my arms in front of my chest. "How far are we going?" I asked.
"It's right over here," he said. We stopped in front of a two-story house with a for-sale sign in the yard down the street. It was red brick with large white windows and a chimney. It looked warm inside. "This is it."
"Darren's neighbor's house?"
"Me. I'm going to be Darren's neighbor. I'm buying it."
"Wow, you two are really going to be joined at the hip now."
"Isn't it nice?"
"Is Theresa okay with this?"
"She thinks it's too big, but I want to fill it with a large family. There's a huge tree in the back for a tire swing and a patio. There's even a guest room for Uncle Ryan."
"Uncle Ryan," I repeated. "I can't believe you're having a kid in a month. And you don't even know what you're having!"
"I think it's going to be a boy."
"Oh, yeah?"
"Noah," he said. "Or Norah. I just can't wait." He jumped up and down and then pulled me in for a hug. I hadn't seen him this excited since his wedding day or when he printed his first batch of Baker Brothers business cards.
I laughed at him. "You're already acting like a father. So embarrassing. Can we go inside now?"
"Actually, I have something else I want to ask you. And it's okay if you say no."
"What is it, Phil? It's cold." My teeth started chattering.
"I want to ask Darren to be the baby's godfather. I know it should be you, the only uncle and all, but I figured you could have the next one. He just really needs this right now, you know, after losing his mom and all. We're all he's got, you know?"
"We?"
"We're family. Us orphans."
"Phil, it's your baby. You should decide who the godfather is. I understand."
"You won't be hurt?"
"Of course not!"
We returned to the house and the party was in full swing. The women were huddled around Theresa in the living room, opening gifts and guessing the baby's weight. Most of the men were at the perimeter, a safe distance from the commotion, or in another room watching the game. Every so often there were barely-contained cheers whenever a point was lost or scored. Phil, bless his heart, had found a spot that straddled the living room and kitchen where if he leaned his chair just so, he could catch a glimpse of the TV without getting caught or missing the opening of the gifts.
I watched from the corner. Darren was flirting with a blonde in the kitchen. She laughed and pulled at her hair every time he flashed a smile. Phil was teetering on his chair back and forth and I was sure the leg was going to break under his weight. Theresa's family crowded around her and helped throw the wrapping paper away as Theresa tossed it to the side like a kid on Christmas morning.
I thought about what my brother had said. It didn't really bother me that they wanted Darren to be the godfather, I almost expected it. I was still going to be the only uncle. I imagined what little Noah or Norah would look like––would they have Phil's large smile or Theresa's dark hair? And then I wondered, should I be hurt? Is that the normal thing to feel? Was it so cold outside that I wasn't thinking straight?
Theresa approached me in the corner with cake as I wrestled with my thoughts. "Are you having a good time?" she asked.
"Yes, thank you. But I should probably get going soon."
"Back to the new boyfriend..."
"We're not boyfriends yet." I blushed. Charlie and I had only been on a few dates, though I couldn't help but imagine him there, what it would look like if this was our shower. Then I caught a glimpse of Darren picking up one of Theresa's nephews in the kitchen and I envied him. He fit in every picture there; a kid on his arm, laughing with a beautiful woman, hiding in a pantry with the out-of-towner.
She followed my line of vision and looked at Darren too, then the rest of the room. I could tell she was trying to see everything through my eyes. That was Theresa's power, when she wasn't pregnant and hormonal––she saw everything.
"I know it's complicated for you here," she said, "but I don't think you're always going to feel that way. One day, when you're a famous artist, you're going to meet someone and you're going to want him to know all of you and you're going to bring him here and you're never going to leave. He'll change it for you. You'll see."
"Is that what Phil did for you?"
"Phil?" she laughed. "God, all Phil does for me is reach the top shelf when I'm cooking something spicy. And mows the lawn. But he is buying us a house and helped me bring a kid into this world." Then she turned to me, close, "I haven't told him yet, but the doctor thinks it's going to be a difficult birth. Something about the shape of my uterus. This is probably going to be our only child. Poor Phil, he wants to fill that house with kids."
"What do you want?" I asked.
She looked at me funny, like she had never thought about it before. Then she flipped her long, dark hair. "To live a long, happy life tormenting your brother."
We both chuckled and I could see Phil watching us instead of the game. "Me too," I agreed.
"I think he wanted you to say no," she said, and I didn't know what she was talking about. She must have seen it on my face. "I think he was trying to be the good guy by asking Darren to be the godfather, but secretly, he wanted it to be you. He loves you more than anything."
I almost choked on the cake. "Phil?"
"I know he has a hard time showing it, but you should hear how he talks about his little brother in the big city. The artist. Our kid is going to idolize you if Phil has anything to do with it."
I didn't know if she was telling the truth, then again, why would she lie? I looked at my brother, who was talking to Darren across from us. Suddenly Darren lit up with a smile and pulled my brother in for an enormous hug. I could tell I had missed my chance to say no. Darren was already the godfather. He looked at me and when I smiled at him, he raised his glass. Cheers to baby Noah or Norah.
Author's Note: Thanks for reading! Not gonna lie, I think this chapter was one of the most exciting to write. I just love these characters so much and it was fun to see them before their lives changed forever. Who is your favorite?
Are we #TeamTheresa?!