Two months and 3 days after Liam had been arrested, I would like to say that things got easier but they didn't life got hard, very hard.
We hadn't heard from anyone since Liam called that first night. One of the guys who arrested him had leant him his personal mobile to call and he had tried my mobile first. He had left me a message in case he couldn't get through on Bobs phone.
I found it the day of my hospital appointment. I had left my phone in my bag and read the sign saying turn your mobiles off. I automatically searched in my bag and pulled it out noticing the answer phone message and a missed call.
"Who the hell is that?" I asked Bob when the number came up. Bob shook his head as we sat in the room waiting on the doctor I decided to listen.
"Hey beautiful, its me. I'll try my dads phone but just in case I can't get hold of you know that I love you and I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry baby but I had to make you all safe even if it was risking myself in the process. I don't know if or when I will see you again so if you can just wait for me for a few years at least.... I know it is a lot to ask but I love you so much and I don't want to lose you. I'll understand if you can't or you meet someone else who can offer you a better life....," he said starting to cry as he obviously pictured losing me in his mind. "Kiss our babies for me. Tell everyone I love them and I'm sorry.... Look after Tyson for me," he paused to compose himself. "Please don't find someone else baby....I love you so much and having you love me back has made me the happiest man in the world. I miss you so much, I just want to hold you and never let go. I don't want to be away from you for even a second, I am so sorry.... I'll try my dad's phone now because I really need to hear your voice. " he air kissed the phone, "I love you. Always and Forever!"
I had held my breath as I listening to him, daring not to breath in case I missed a word. Bob was like a statue too and called Gus to tell him as I saved the message and without warning I couldn't breath, had an asthma attack and collapsed.
I spent the next few days in hospital under observation and signed myself out on the third day catching the bus home as I knew they would all go mad at me for leaving and refuse to pick my up. I didn't have enough money for a taxi but the money they left for chocolate and pop was enough for the bus. I would walk the rest of the way. Even if I did look a looney in my PJ's. Ok it was tracky bottoms, T Shirt and flip flops and only I knew they were really my PJ's and slippers.
I got home when I knew they would all be out, took a shower, pulled out a T Shirt of Liam's and put it on to surround me in his scent. God I missed him! I lay down in bed, hugging his pillow and cried my eyes out till I fell asleep. At least I could be with him in my dreams.
I woke to feel Tyson's lips press against my forehead and stroke my hair.
"Hey naughty," he said with a weak smile. I could tell he was concerned about me. "Do you want me to make you another Liam scarecrow?"
I pushed the pillow out of the way and he climbed on hugging me tight. "My dad is going to kick your ass, you do know that?" he asked.
I nodded as soaked Tyson in silent tears.
Tyson was right Bob went mental and grounded me. I was still grounded and it had been 2 months 3 days since Liam was taken.
I made up for it as I ate everything him, Gus or Tyson put in front of me and actually felt better for it. I trained at the gym to build up my strength. Apparently my hand to eye coordination was really good and Liam would be impressed.
I did everything I was told. Took my medicine, inhalers, attended appointments with doctors and Gus took me to the counsellor. I fucking hated it, I was horrid! The counsellor thought I would benefit greater if Gus was there to help me relax. Basically I told her I thought it was a waste of time, I had far more important things to do than sit answering her stupid 'feelings' questions and I thought she was full of shit. I skipped out on one lousy appointment and it was reported back and Gus dragged me there every Wednesday now.
This Wednesday she had called Gus in after I had my session. It was the best yet. We walked to the car and drove home. Bob gave Gus one looked which made Bob say "What now?!"
"She has gone from being hostile to withdrawn. She just sat there for an hour and never said a word, didn't answer a question and was so off in her own world that she didn't even acknowledge she was being spoken too. The only time she got a reaction was when she asked Shannon if she would prefer to do her counselling with Liam when he got home. To which she got a single nod and more staring into space," Gus said.
"Well that is that, we are not forcing her to go back. Liam wouldn't approve," Bob said. "It don't work for everyone."
"Yeah that is what I thought. Liam never completed his either. He was worse than Shannon," Gus said.
"Yeah never could get him to do it as a kid either. He would sit in silence and knew exactly when his time was up. The counsellor swore blind that he counted ever second and minute till his hour was up as there were no clocks in the room," Bob said laughing. "In the end his mum refused to force him to go anymore as she said it was causing him more issues than solving them. I disagreed, we had one hell of a row and she threatened to never sleep with me again so he stopped going."
Gus laughed.
It pleased me that I had something in common with Liam. I had always thought of us as 'opposites attract' but maybe we were more alike than I thought.
The kids were on holiday with my parents. Just some caravanning thing but it was something they would love. My sister had gone with them to help out as she knew they would knacker my mum and dad out. My dad was taking Liam's being locked up pretty bad and ended up in hospital with suspected angina. So my parents needed the break and also wanted to feel that they were being helpful. They were but having Liam's parents across the road made it easier to ask them if I needed anything.
Gus's son had gone to his grandmothers for a week even though he could have gone with my parents.
Joe had accepted his dad being away working but we knew he was struggling with it. He scribbled away in his little journal and carried it everywhere with him. My mum said he had won a competition on holiday for singing. He got a little trophy and wanted a picture to put in his book as he dedicated the son to his 'Missing Daddy'. We knew he had sussed something was up.
Tyson and Louisa were dating. Spending the odd night together but not all the time.
Today was the day we were waiting on news from Nigel. They had listened to the recording from Liam and using background noise they had detected certain things like type of plane, airfield worked out from time of arrest to time of call.
Gus had used the pictures of Marvin and Joe as pilots to get some info. The Pilot on our flight remembered the kids and Liam and agreed to do a bit of discreet digging for us with a friend of his at the tower who had spoke with Marvin that time and cracked up when he said he loved them. They all wanted to help track the flight and then offered to fly Nigel and some of the men out to investigate where they might be by pretending they were crew and allowing them to hop between one flight and another so there would be no passport or cost implications.
That was the other problem. All Liam's bank accounts were frozen. Just mine remained open. We don't know why they froze them but the same happened with Gus's wife and brother.
In the meantime I had bills to pay and had Liam not set up another emergency account which Tyson had used to sort the kids out when we were on the run. If it weren't for that I don't know where I would be getting the money from. Gus said it was part of the job to cover your bases in case something like this happened. I ensured I transferred all the money in the account for the building works over to Valda's husband just to be on the safe side. I wanted the house finished when he got home and Liam's nan in her granny flat.
The phone rang once then stopped. Gus secured the line and rang the number they agreed before hand.
"Go," Gus said and listened. He nodded to Bob which indicated they found them. His face was still stern and he wasn't talking.
My heart raced with excitement, anxiety....
"Yeah," Gus said and I knew his was upset.
"OK," he said after listening a few seconds more and disconnecting.
I wanted to ask him what happened but Bob shook his head at me signalling to leave him be a minute as Gus got up and left the room walking out into the garden.
Bob and I sat in silence waiting on his return.
A few LONG minutes later Gus walked back in and Bob handed him a brandy which he swung back. He composed himself before he finally spoke.
"Here is what we know from a prison officer we bribed," Gus said. "They are in one of the worst prisons in the world, they are considered political prisoners and as such they will have no trial and the prison doesn't recognise human rights."
Bob's face along with Gus's told me all I needed to know. This was bad, very bad.
"No trial?" I asked.
"Basically thrown in there to rot," Bob said.
Gus nodded.
"Now Nigel is in contact with someone who might be able to get me inside as we don't know if my wife it there with them or in another prison for women ," Gus said.
"If you get in how you getting out," Bob said.
"We are going in as press," Gus said. "Taking a camera crew in as cover. We can't get them out but we need to confirm they are there."
"How you getting there?" Bob asked.
"I don't know that is the other problem. They have frozen all our accounts pending investigation. Including yours," he said to me.
"What!" I said. "How can they do that?"
"They are checking to see transactions and that means, other than the cash we have in our pockets we are fucked!" Gus said and it was the closest I had ever seen to him about to cry with frustration.
"How am I suppose to feed the kids?" I said.
"Liam will have cash stashed somewhere but it is not enough for me to get out there and do a recon," Gus said.
"How much?" Bob asked.
"Couple of grand, plus bribes which cost, hiring the crew to come in with us and protection money to ensure their safety whilst we try to get them out," Gus said his hands one his head as he sighed and looked to the ceiling fighting his emotions.
"I'll go look and see if I can find where he might have left any cash," I said.
We all searched and Bob tried to see if he could rustle up money else where but it was never going to be enough.
I had pulled the house apart and nothing. No magic key to a safety deposit box full of dosh, nothing!
I sat on the end of the bed trying to remain calm as the tears of frustration began to fall.
"You ok?" Tyson asked at the door.
I shook my head, as he came to give me a cuddle. "I need to get him home and I need to feed the kids and pay the bills and...."
"Shhhh, come on don't get upset we will find a way," Tyson said.
"Did they stop the account Liam had put money in for you when we were on the run?" I asked.
"Yeah tried it, it is suspended," he said and I could tell he was feeling as useless as I was right now. "Don't worry I will look after you."
"Tyson, you do more than enough and you have to support your own wife and child without us being a burden," I said.
"You are not a burden," he said shaking his head.
"I'm going to get a job whilst the kids are at school. I am sure the social services will be ok with it," I said. "I know someone who offered me work before and I will give them a call and see if it is still available and start asap."
Tyson knew not to argue, he could see my mind was set.
"Tyson, can I ask you something?" I asked.
"Mmm," he said.
"Who did Liam kill?" I asked.
"I don't know that he did, it all just rumour," Tyson said. "I heard it was some bloke who was hired as a hit man but Liam was defending himself so hardly murder. I wish it was that scum bag Spencer but no such luck. He should never have been let out that time. If he hadn't he would never have attacked you the first time, let alone had a second. He should pay for what he did."
I stopped breathing, my mind whirling.
"Shannon you alright, you have gone pale as a ghost and...."
I ran to the wardrobe dragging handbags out frantically searching.
"Shannon what you doing?" he asked as I ransacked the place.
"What is going on?" Gus and Bob asked as they walked into the bedroom.
"Oh my god where is it?" I said as I carried on searching.
"Shannon we have searched this whole house there is no money" Bob said.
"I have money somewhere here," I said dragging out.
"The odd bit of change in your handbag collection won't make a huge difference," Gus said.
"No! that is not it, I had a cheque," I said.
"You can't cash a cheque in the bank Shannon, your account is suspended," Gus said.
"No not that," I said. "Fucking hell where is it!"
"You can't write a cheque either," Bob said.
"NO! Listen!" I said sighing. "Tyson just mentioned the first time I was attacked saying that Spencer should be made to pay and it reminded me, I got compensation."
"Yeah but all accounts in your name are frozen," Gus said.
"This is not in my name," I said. "I didn't want the money, it was tainted and dirty. So I had them make it out to pay cash because I was going to give it to charity but then I couldn't think of one to give to as I felt as though giving them the money was bad luck or something. In the end I just never got around to it."
"How much was it?" Gus asked.
"Erm I can't remember. The first offer was £64K and I remember that was rejected but I can't remember why. I wasn't interested. I just remember having to get the cheque so I could close that chapter of my life and move on."
"So you are saying that in this house somewhere is a cheque for over £64k without a name on made payable to cash?" Gus said.
"Yeah but knowing my luck I've lost it," I said. "WHERE IS IT!!!!" I yelled.
"Fucking hell!" Tyson said as Bob whistled as the amount.
"Right stop," Gus said grabbing my hands. "Sit! Calm down and we will back track over your movements since you had it," he said pushing me to sit on the end of the bed. "Go to the desert, calm and serene. Focus."
I took a few deep breaths and pictured my desert.
"Right when did you collect it?" he asked.
"I don't know," I said.
"Was it before or after you had Joe?" he asked.
"Erm after," I said. "I wanted that entire episode out of my life and to start a fresh with Joe so we came to a settlement in record time."
"Did you have it when you saw me and Cilla and Joe had chicken pox?" Bob asked.
"Yeah erm about a month or two before then," I said. "It was in my hand bag. I totally forgot about it. I would have told Liam about it and I don't want him to be angry with me for using it because I know it is dirty money but..."
"Yeah well if we find it and are able to cash it, we will use it on 'dirty' people so don't you worry about Liam judging you because he would use it in a second if the roles were reversed and you were in there," Gus said. "So basically it is one of your 50 odd handbags?"
"Yeah the one I had when Joe had chicken pox but I've change bags so often since then I don't remember which one or where it is now, plus I have given some away so I'm worried I have given it to a charity shop," I said, dread filling my heart as I imagined some old granny jumping for joy at finding my cheque in the bag.
"Wait let me ring Cilla," Bob said. "She's obsessed with handbags, she might remember what we are looking for, even a colour will do."
He called her mobile.
"Hiya sweetheart, random question. Do you remember when Joe had the chicken pox and we saw Shannon, what handbag did she have with her?" Bob asked. "No nothing to worry about, just Gus is taking the mickey out of her handbag fetish and I said you think she is bad I bet you my amazing wife can tell you what handbag Shannon had when we first met Joe," Bob said covering our tracks as he tried not to worry her. She was at the hospital with her mother and her own health had been suffering lately due to the stress of Liam on top of it.
"Jasper Conran, black, silver buckle," Bob said. "Amazing! I love you hand bag geek.... Yeah I'll buy you a new one if you are proved right."
He hung up and we got searching.
"What if it is not in there?" I asked.
"Shannon you are terrible for emptying your handbag," Bob said. "Liam has to go through it to get receipts all the time and throw away old crap. It drives him insane. I bet you we will even find in that handbag a receipt for Joe's camomile lotion used on his chicken pox."
I laughed, he was right I would often get nagged by Liam when he asked me for change of a tenner or something. He would get it out of my bag as I was busy doing something, then he would shout up to me that I was a messy git and when I came back down he would have sorted through my handbag and purse making it all neat and tidy.... Well until a week or so later when he would go off on one again as it was 'ram full of crap' as he put it.
He would be going mad now if he knew these handbags had stuff in them from years ago. I am a handbag tramp! Liam would laugh and say Tramp's have their shopping trolley's, I have my hand bag. Cheeky Fucker... he was right though.
We dragged out far too many handbags. I looked at Bob and "There are some more in the attic and down the shed I think," I said and bit my lip like a naughty girl.
"Don't look at me like that, I am grassing you up to him," Bob said. "When he gets home there will be hell to pay!"
I whimpered like a dog as Tyson yelled, "Found it! If mum is right it is in this little beauty."
He passed it to me, I started to rummage through it.
"Give," Gus said impatiently. He tipped it upside down on the bed, out fell loads of receipts, lip sticks, nail varnish, mirror compacts, tampons, packets of tissues, hairbrushes, hair grips, hair bands, earrings, necklaces, half a packet of sweets, chew gum packet.....It wasn't there.
Gus put his hand inside and pulled open a zip compartment I never remembered using and there it was. He pulled out the envelope.
"That's it," I said as my heart stopped.
Gus tried to hand it to me.
"I'm not touching it," I said and stepped back in horror. I had thought that chapter of my life was closed. This was like opening an old wound. Bob hugged me close.
"Anyone would think I offered her a lit stick of Dynamite," he said as he opened it "As opposed to a cheque for £224,896, made out payable to cash," he said as his eyes stared in disbelief.
"Oh my god," Bob said.
"Is that enough?" I asked.
"You bet it is," Gus said lifting me up and planting a big kiss on my lips. "You are amazing! You little hoarder!"
He dropped me to the ground and went off to make some calls.
"That is a lot of money," Bob said and Tyson nodded.
"Not if you think it equates to what they think your life was worth when strangled out of you and you lost the love of your life because of it," I said as I fought back the tears.
"You didn't lose him he was always in your heart and you in his. Fate brought you back together and it will again. Just look what happened now. You needed that money and had forgotten about it until today when it was critical. Just think of all the handbags you could of brought with that money," Bob said.
I laughed but then as I thought of Liam finding out about the money I started to cry.
"Shannon, stop worrying. It is a good thing," Tyson said.
"Seeing that money is like throwing it back in Liam's face again. It is like dragging up old history which he already blames himself for even though I don't," I said.
"Yeah well you are not exactly selling your soul to the devil here Shannon. It is more like paying the ferryman to take you into hell and get him back out. So stop beating yourself up about it and lets go work out how we are going to feed the kids before the bank gets sorted out," Tyson said.
"Tyson is right, you need to focus on the kids and as far as you are concerned that money is gone now," Bob said. "You don't have to think about it again."
"Plane leaves in," Gus said as he entered the room checking his watch, "2 hrs 20 minutes. I've got to cash this now or I will miss the flight."
"Can I come?" I asked.
Gus shook his head. "I will call you as soon as I know anything."
He left the room to grab a few things from upstairs.
My mind was whirling, think, think... I said to myself how to get a message to Liam that I would never look for someone else... NEVER!
I ran upstairs into my room. Opened the drawer, pulled out what I needed and a marker pen. Did what I had to in a few seconds I had before racing after Gus down the stairs.
"Here," I said handing it him. "If you get the chance," I said still fighting off the tears.
"I'll try," he said. He pulled me into a big bear hug, "You take care of my little boy, ok."
I nodded.
"Don't you worry," Bob said patting his back. "You keep safe."
"I will," Gus said and with that he was gone.