Cas's epilepsy specialist ended up agreeing with Dean, and switching Cas's meds, and told Dean to contact her as soon as they noticed any changes.
They updated Cas's consultant, who decided to send Cas to a therapist.
'I can't give you your anxiety meds, but that doesn't mean I can't give you treatment,' he said. 'And I'll find you one that'll help you come up with methods of recovering memory.'
Cas thought of his notebook, hidden away in his bedside table, and glanced at Dean. He was running out of easy questions.
Cas was nervous before his first appointment, but his therapist seemed kind.
'Good morning, Castiel,' she said, smiling when she saw him. 'Take a seat.'
Cas sat in a comfortable chair opposite her, holding his notebook, and watched her writing on her clipboard for a while. She had straight, brown hair and round glasses. 'I'm sorry,' Cas said after a while. 'I don't know your name.'
She smiled at him again. 'You can call me Penny. Would you like to get started?'
Cas shrugged.
'I have your medical file here, so I understand what's going on there, but I'd just like to get to know you a little before we refer to that.'
'What would you like to know?'
'Do you go by Castiel? Or anything else?'
'It's Cas.'
'What's your favourite colour?'
'Does that matter?'
'That depends. Does that matter to you?'
Cas didn't answer.
'It says in your file that you're suffering almost complete memory loss. It seems to me that you'd be interested in building up an idea of who you are.'
Cas smiled. 'I suppose so.' He thought about it for a moment. 'My favourite colour is green.'
'Good. We're not going to dig too deep this session. All we're going to do is set out some goals and, if we have time, start on some techniques to improve your memory.'
'That sounds good.'
Penny grabbed a fresh sheet of paper and settled down properly in her seat. 'What are you hoping to get out of these sessions? What would you consider to be your end goal?'
'Dean,' Cas said immediately. 'I want to remember Dean.'
'Dean is?'
'My husband.'
'What do you remember about him?'
'Not much,' Cas said sadly. 'A little of when we met. His car. That's about it.'
Penny nodded, writing on her paper. 'All right, we can put that down as our end goal. We can add to it or change it as we go along. For now though, did you have anything smaller in mind?' She looked up and noticed the small notebook clutched in Cas's hands. 'What's that you have there?'
Cas hesitated. 'These are questions,' he said. 'Questions that I wanted to ask Dean.'
'Why haven't you?'
'I don't want to upset him.'
Penny tapped her pen on the clipboard. 'Perhaps that can be one of your smaller goals - asking Dean one of your questions.'
'I think I would like that.'
'I like that you're already writing things down. I think we can use that to help with your short term memory. I would recommend that you begin writing lists of more things than this, such as what chores you need to do for the day, and what medications you've taken, and that will help you be a little more independent. What do you think?'
Cas nodded.
For the rest of the sessions, Penny helped him identify some smaller things he could remember by himself, like walking Hoagie, and insisted he take pride in those things.
'I've seen your file, Cas,' she said, just as they were finishing the session. 'I know what happened to you, and you should be very proud of how far you've come alone. It may not seem like much to you, and I can help you put it into perspective.'
Cas got to his feet, and allowed himself a small moment of pride. 'Thank you,' he said.
'You're very welcome. I'll see you next week.'
When Cas went out to the waiting room, Dean was dozing quietly in a chair, but looked up blearily when he heard Cas coming.
'Hey,' he mumbled. 'How'd it go?'
'I have homework.'
Dean laughed and stood up. 'Let's go.'
'Wait,' Cas said. 'What's your favourite colour?'
Dean's eyebrows rose. 'That part of your homework?'
'Sort of.'
Dean looked Cas in the eye. 'My favourite colour's blue,' he said quietly. 'Come on, I'm hungry, let's get lunch.'
'Then you're going to work on the car?'
'Then I'm going to work on the car.'
Dean was quiet for a few weeks, coming home grimy and exhausted every day, though he seemed pleased with the progress he was making on the Impala.
Cas attempted to cook for him a few times, seeing as he was so tired, but he couldn't remember how to make much. There were a few cookbooks around, but Cas kept forgetting about things once he set them to cook. More than once, Dean came home to things burnt to the bottom of pots and pans, and ended up ordering a pizza.
'I'm sorry, Dean,' Cas said miserably one night, while Dean scraped the charred remains of his mac and cheese out of a pan.
'What? Don't be ridiculous.'
'Was I this bad before?'
Dean didn't answer.
'I didn't think I was,' Cas sighed.
'You've got brain damage, Cas. Don't be so hard on yourself. Come on, I'm ordering chinese food tonight.'
Cas still couldn't stomach much food. The new meds had lessened the frequency of his seizures, but made him feel worse than the last ones.
Dean frowned when Cas fiddled with his food more than he ate it, but didn't comment on it.
They were still sleeping in the same bed, though Dean was now frequently woken in the night by Cas bolting to the bathroom to vomit.
On one of Dean's mornings off, Cas woke early and slightly light-headed, though surprisingly hungry.
Dean was already in the bathroom, so Cas got up and threw on some clothes. Hoagie wagged his tail in greeting, and Cas scratched him under the chin. Just as he was leaving the bedroom, there was knock on the front door.
'Will you get that?' Dean called from the bathroom.
Cas opened the door to find a delivery man holding a huge bouquet of sweet-smelling lilies.
'Uh, I'm looking for Mr Winchester?'
Cas just stared at him. 'Which one?'
The man fiddled with the card attached to the flowers. 'Um... Castiel?'
'Oh, that's me.' Cas thanked him and took the flowers from him. He walked down the hallway, his nose buried in the bouquet, and into the kitchen to get a vase.
Dean was in there, pouring them both some coffee. He winked at Cas when he came in with the flowers.
'They're beautiful,' Cas said, smiling shyly.
'They are. You're a lucky guy,' said Dean, feigning innocence. He took a vase down from one of the cupboards, filled it with water, and passed it to Cas.
Cas decided to put them on top of the chest with the photo albums in the dining room. He stood admiring them until Dean came in with their coffee. 'They remind me of something...' Cas murmured, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it.
They drank their coffee together, sitting on either side of the table.
Cas glanced up occasionally, at Dean who was gazing at him intently, and he felt himself blush several times.
The silence was broken when Sam came in the side door, making them both jump.
'Hey, guys!' Sam called. He came into the dining room and saw the surprised expressions on both of their faces. 'You forgot I was coming for breakfast.'
'I would never,' Dean said.
'I have brain damage,' said Cas.
'Oh good, you taught him how to use that as an excuse.' Sam sat down at the table, and Cas got up at the same time.
'Coffee, Sam?' Cas said.
'Sure.'
Cas switched on the coffee machine and made himself a bowl of cereal while he was there, then brought it and Sam's coffee through to the dining room.
'Nice flowers,' Sam said when Cas came back in.
Cas smiled, blushing again.
Sam grinned and sipped his coffee, but it turned to a slight frown as Cas stared at him.
'You're a lawyer,' Cas blurted out.
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I am.'
'You're good.'
'I like to think so.'
Cas settled down, satisfied with his assessment of Sam, and ate his cereal while his stomach was still calm. He listened to Sam and Dean teasing each other. He was glad that Dean still had normalcy with his brother, and it was the only time he got to see Dean almost fully relax. He watched Dean almost fall out of his chair from laughing, and a thought suddenly occurred to him.
'Did you call Gabriel?' he asked.
The laughter suddenly died, and Sam and Dean both stared at him.
'I know he can be difficult to contact, but I was in a coma.' Cas looked between them, neither of them saying anything. 'What?'
Sam and Dean looked at each other, shifting uncomfortably.
'Sam, don't you have that thing you have to do?' said Dean.
'Oh, yeah, I have a thing,' Sam said, hurriedly getting to his feet. 'See you later.'
'What's going on?' Cas said warily, putting his spoon down.
Dean moved around the table to sit next to Cas, and stared at his knees. 'Cas...' he mumbled, his voice shaking slightly. He opened and closed his mouth, then sighed. 'Cas, I'm so sorry.' He looked up at Cas, sympathy and sorrow clear on his face. 'Gabriel - Gabriel's gone.'
Cas froze. 'What?'
Dean's chin wobbled, and he pressed his lips together. 'He passed away just over a year ago.'
Cas pulled away from Dean, shaking his head. 'No,' he said. 'That's not right.'
'Cas-'
'No, you're wrong.' Dread spread through Cas's chest. 'He can't be, I saw him...'
Dean's heart broke for Cas, and tears filled his eyes. 'When did you see him?' he said quietly.
'I...' Cas wracked his mind for the memory but it wouldn't come. 'But I saw him, I know I did.'
Dean grabbed Cas's hands but Cas snatched them away.
'I saw him,' Cas insisted, suddenly angry. He pushed himself to his feet, knocking his bowl onto the floor. 'He's just - he's just in the mountains somewhere, or - or-'
'Cas, please,' Dean said, tears openly falling down his cheeks.
'No.' Cas stormed out of the room, and continued through the kitchen, the utility room, and out through the side door.
'Where are you going?' Dean said, following Cas outside. 'You're not wearing any shoes.'
'I don't care,' Cas shouted, walking out onto the gravel. 'Leave me alone, Dean.'
'No.'
Cas stopped, the stones digging into the soles of his feet, and rounded on Dean. 'You can't - you can't just say things like that. You can't.'
'I'm sorry,' was the only thing Dean could say. 'I wouldn't lie to you, you know I wouldn't.'
'Do I?' Cas said scathingly.
'Cas, come on...'
Cas looked Dean up and down. He was still crying, and holding his hands out slightly, for Cas to come back. Cas saw the openness on his face, and his stomach clenched. He did know that Dean wouldn't lie to him. 'Oh, God,' he whispered, putting a hand over his mouth. His whole body trembled, and he felt as though he were falling. 'Dean...'
Dean crossed the remaining distance between them and wrapped his arms around Cas, holding him close.
'Not Gabriel,' Cas whimpered into Dean's chest.
'I'm sorry, baby,' Dean said, stroking Cas's head. 'I'm so sorry.'
Cas's fists balled up in Dean's shirt. 'Not Gabriel,' he repeated.
'Just come inside, Cas,' Dean murmured. 'You'll hurt your feet, please come inside.'
Cas nodded, and followed Dean back into the house. Dean bundled him up on the couch and he stared at the blank TV screen. He felt numb, and empty, but for the stinging in his feet.
Dean came into the living room with a hot chocolate and placed it on the coffee table, then sat next to Cas in silence.
Eventually, Cas picked up the drink and took a sip. The warmth made him feel marginally better, and he shifted until he was sitting cross-legged on the couch, facing Dean. He gripped the mug tightly. 'What- what happened to him?' he asked. 'What happened to Gabriel?'
Dean leaned back against the couch and closed his eyes briefly. 'It was an aneurysm,' he said finally. 'It was already too late by the time they got him to the hospital. There was nothing they could do.'
Cas ran a hand through his hair. 'It seems by brother and I were not lucky in the neurology department.'
Dean snorted quietly. 'No, I guess not.' Dean's eyes searched Cas for a moment. 'Wait here a sec, I've got something to show you.'
Cas sipped his drink, and listened to Dean rummaging around. When he came back, he had an envelope in his hand, similar to the one Cas had found containing the pictures of himself in the hospital.
Dean hesitated, then put them in Cas's hand. 'You guys went to Six Flags a few days before - before it happened. You didn't want to see them before, but I - I had them printed anyway, just in case you ever changed your mind.'
Cas held the envelope limply.
'I'll give you some space,' Dean said, making to leave the room.
'No,' said Cas. 'Don't go. Please?'
Dean stopped, staring at him in surprise.
'Will you look at these with me?'
Dean sat back down. 'Are you sure?'
Cas nodded and opened the envelope.
The first photo was of Cas and Gabriel outside the gates at Six Flags. Gabriel had on large aviator sunglasses and had his arm tightly around Cas's shoulders. Cas looked at his own, embarrassed face, then at Gabriel's gleeful one.
There were more of them in various places around the park, and a few of them on the rides.
'I don't remember,' Cas said, flipping through the photos. 'I don't remember this at all.'
'It's okay-'
'It's not okay,' Cas interrupted, letting the photos drop into his lap. 'It's not okay that I can't remember my last days with my brother.' Cas's voice cracked. 'It is very far from okay.' He stuffed the photos away and angrily wiped his face.
Dean gently took the envelope away. 'There's nothing I can say to make this better, Cas.'
Cas shook his head. 'Where is he buried?'
'He isn't,' Dean said. 'He was cremated. He always used to say that when he died, he wanted you to leave his urn somewhere in the Circus Circus Casino in Vegas.'
Cas laughed softly. 'That seems inappropriate.'
Dean's face softened. 'Yeah, that's what you said at the time.'
'Where is he, then?'
'I don't know where exactly,' Dean said apologetically. 'You didn't do the Circus Circus thing, but you took him out into the Nevada desert and scattered him somewhere out there. You wanted to go alone, so...' Dean tried to check his watch discreetly, but Cas noticed.
'You should go to work. It's getting late.'
'I really don't have to.'
Cas sighed. 'What are you going to do around here all day? There's no point in watching me sit here. I'll call if I need anything.'
If Cas was honest with himself, he was glad of the quiet once Dean had left for work. His nausea returned, but he managed to force down half a sandwich for lunch. He didn't have dinner either, but was able to drink another hot chocolate while Dean ate alone at the table.
Dean quickly fell asleep that night, with his arm draped protectively over Cas, but sleep wouldn't come for Cas.
He stared at the ceiling for hours, thinking about Gabriel, until he couldn't lie still any longer. He carefully extricated himself from Dean and made his way outside, remembering to put on shoes and a sweater this time.
It was chilly out in the dark, but the sky was clear. Cas walked around the side of the house and out onto the lawn, where he lay down on the grass. He could hear the waves crashing in the distance. The stars shone brightly, and as Cas stared up at them, he recognised some of the shapes.
'That one's Cassiopeia,' Gabriel had said to him once, pointing at the constellation.
'Cassie, like me,' Cas had said back, giggling at it.
'Yeah, just like you.' Gabriel had laughed, mussing his hair.
Cas felt the memory like a kick in the chest, and he curled into a ball, his tears falling hot and fast into the grass. Great, heaving sobs hammered through him, until his throat was sore and his mouth was dry. Eventually, the tears stopped coming, but the ache in his chest worsened. The chilly breeze dried his face, making it feel crusty, but he made no move to wipe it away, or get up. He breathed in the smell of the earth and ran his fingers through the grass. He heard footsteps, but didn't look up until a blanket was draped over him.
Dean didn't say anything. He just lay down beside Cas and gently stroked his hair.
'Why?' Cas whispered.
Dean sighed deeply. 'It's not fair, I know. I never thought I'd be the guy to have to tell you twice.'
Cas sniffed. 'What woke you?'
'Hoagie.' Dean said. 'He went back to sleep though.'
Cas's eyes started to sting now that they were so dry. He rolled onto his back and stared back up at the sky, to try and distract himself.
'That one's Cassiopeia,' said Dean, pointing up. He seemed to know that Cas wanted a distraction. 'And that one's Draco.'
'How do you know?'
'You showed me,' Dean said softly. 'You love the stars.'
'They are beautiful.'
'Yeah,' Dean said, turning to face him. He was barely discernible in the dark, but his eyes shone in the dim light of the crescent moon. 'They are.'