"Mikuo, what happened earlier?"
I waited a few minutes to answer. I wasn't sure I was ready to talk to my sister. But I knew I had to. I couldn't ignore her. I already did that to much.
"You mean with the boy?"
"Y-yeah"
I sighed. Of course that's what she wanted to talk about.
"He bumped into me and Luka said to beat him up"
"You don't have to listen to Luka..."
"she's the only one that cares about me"
"No, I care about you, you're my brother"
I rolled my eyes. She didn't care. No way. After losing our mom? No. She needed time to get over that too. Just like me and dad.
"No you don't. You don't care about me. Go and take care of your grief. Let me take care of mine"
"But how? Mikuo, I'm alone. I don't have anyone. You are all I have. You know I don't have friends"
"what about that boy? And, you don't have a brother either, so go make friends"
"But I do have a brother! You! You are my brother!"
"I'm not a good brother though"
"Yes you are, you are just sad over mothers death"
"And I'll never stop being sad"
"Me either, but things will get better"
"no they won't. Now mom is gone, things will never be the same"
"Mikuo... You know you aren't alone. You have me. I'm glad you have Luka too, but please don't stop being there for me. I need you"
I looked at her for the first time this conversation. Her large eyes were full of tears. I felt so bad for her, but I couldn't give into her. If I did... Well, she'd be there for me, but... I didn't know. I had to leave this conversation. I took my dinner to my room and locked the door.
I heard the handle try to turn, then Miku's soft sobs, but I didn't open the door. She eventually left.
I knew I wasnt in the right in any of this.
That kid earlier did apologize.
I honestly had no excuse for beating him up. I was just frustrated and it had calmed me down.
I suddenly was hit with this huge wave of guilt.
Guilt for emotionally hurting my sister.
Guilt for ignoring her.
Guilt for hurting that blonde kid.
Guilt for not visiting my mom as she was dying.
I couldn't stand to see her so weak.
It hurt to know I would lose her soon.
So I had stayed out of the room.
Away from her for her last days.
I made her think I hated her, and she died thinking that.
It wasn't true.
I loved her so much, more than words could say.
But, she didn't know that.
I had never done a good job of showing that to her.
I angrily swiped at a tear, I couldn't cry.
I didn't deserve it for hurting so many people.
I laid my head on my pillow and just dwelled on my thoughts, my self hate growing.
I didn't deserve to live.
But I couldn't die. I didn't want to.
I wanted to change.
But I didn't think I could.
I needed someone.
Luka was just a friend, though we called each other boyfriend and girlfriend, it wasn't real. We were joking around, trying to keep people away from us.
But, I needed someone. More then I could tell.
Someone to love, someone to prove my love to.
Not my sister, I didn't mean my sister.
I meant, I needed someone to love in a romantic way.
But there was no one.
No one ever truly cared, or loved me like that.
Not that anyone should.
I was a monster.