Sundown
It’s been almost 2 weeks since Lila heard of Jace. Wala pa rin siyang balita kung nasaan ito. Some of his classmates told her that he attended his major subjects today. Kaya naman minabuti ulit niya puntahan ito sa kanila. Kailangan niyang makausap ang lalaki. The important thing is to make sure that he is fine. But when she arrived, she regretted having the heart to care for him.
“Jace?” she whispered, aghast of the two figures laying on the couch. Natuptop niya ang bibig. “Bakit...”
Gulat ang dalawa nang makita siya. The lights were dimmed. There was a movie playing on the TV screen. And the two people were her boyfriend and Tanya, the very person who was so concerned of him. He was half-naked while she’s on her tank top, the straps aren’t even on. Now it all makes sense, she thought.
Wala na siyang ibang masabi. She turned back, hoping that it was all a lie.
“Lila, teka lang!” Dinig niya ang sigaw nito.
“Umalis ka muna, Tanya,” anito sa babae.
She looked at Tanya’s face. “Ikaw pa talaga ang...”
Yumuko ito at nahihiyang kinuha ang mga damit.
“I-I’m sorry, Lila,” she even added.
Lila looked away, feeling stupid. Nanakit ang kanyang lalamunan. The tears on her eyes were about to fall but she remained calm. So calm that her insides are almost burning.
“Wala lang ‘yon. Nag-uusap lang kami,” he started.
Lila laughed throwing her head back. “Hindi ako bulag, Jace. I always knew you were going to do that. Alam mo ‘yong mas nakakagago?” Her tears started falling freely. “Kasi ni hindi man lang ako nakaramdaman ng sorpresa when I saw the two of you.” Nilamukos niya ang buhok.
Hindi niya matignan ang lalaki. She wants to hurt him. She wants to throw a punch on his face. But she’s too weak to do any of that.
“Itigil na natin ‘to,” bulong niya saka tinalikuran ang lalaki.
But he held her arms. “I’m sorry, Lila! Gago ako, alam ko ‘yon. Kasalanan ko ang lahat. Wala akong kwentang boyfriend sa’yo. Wala rin yata akong kwentang tao. I hurt you. Nagpadala ako sa mga sinasabi nito.” Tinuro nito ang ulo.
He slowly got down on his knees. “Dapat siguro mawala na lang ako.” Hawak nito ang kanyang dalawang kamay, nagmamakaawa.
He sniffled. “Nag-away kami ni dad. Sinusumbatan niya pa rin ako dahil hindi ako naging army gaya niya. Mataas na sana raw ang ranggo ko. Eh hindi ko naman ‘yon gusto.” He smiled sadly.
Napapikit si Lila sa galit. She pulled her hands away as she sarcastically laughed in between her sobs. Ni hindi niya na alam kung umiiyak o tumatawa ba siya.
“Kakaiba ka talaga. You always manage to make everything about yourself.”
She bit her lip, breathing inwardly. Nahihirapan na siyang huminga. Ang bigat ng kanyang pakiramdam.
“Huwag ka nang magpakita sa’kin. Nasusuka ako sa pagmumukha mo. Hinanap kita kasi akala ko kailangan mo ng kasama pero ito ka, kasama ‘yong babaeng...” She stopped. “Bakit ba ako nagpapaloko sa inyo?” Nasapo niya ang mukha.
She's never been this enraged that she can't properly express the frustration, the disappointment and the pain she's feeling all at once. She started walking back. This is the end. Hanggang dito na lang siya. She doesn’t want to have him anymore. He only caused her so much heartbreak.
“Kung aalis ka, mas mabuti pang mawala na lang ako!”
When she looked back, she saw him wielding a knife. Na-alarma siya dito. He was positioning the sharp edges of it on his wrist.
“Jace, bitawan mo ‘yan!” sigaw niya.
He didn’t budge. Dinaluhan niya ang lalaki saka sinubukang kausapin ito. She held the knife out of his hand but Jace was strong.
“Nababaliw ka na ba talaga?” May takot sa kanyang boses. Ngunit ayaw pa rin papigil ng lalaki.
“Umalis ka na! ‘Yon naman ang gusto mo diba? Hindi kita pipigilan kaya huwag mo rin akong pigilan!” Hinawi siya nito saka siya tumilapon sa sahig.
“L-Lila...” he whispered, surprised of what he had done.
Pain immediately traveled on her skin. Napatingin siya sa kanyang braso, dumudugo ito. Binitawan ni Jace ang hawak na kutsilyo saka akmang lalapit sa kanya.
“Please. Huwag mo ‘kong lapitan,” she asked horrified of his face.
“But you’re bleeding...”
It’s all over the floor. She was shaking badly. Gusto niyang tumayo saka lumayo dito. Somewhere he can never find her.
Nanlalaki ang kanyang mga mata. “Y-you were going to kill me...” She realized. His few seconds ago were beastly. God knows what could've happened.
“Hindi ko magagawa ‘yon. Nadala lang—
She yelped when he tried to touch her.
“G-ganyan ka ba ka-takot sa’kin? Ako pa rin ‘to.”
She held her bleeding arms and managed to stood up.
“Hindi na kita kilala. Huwag na huwag ka nang lumapit ulit. Pakiusap,” pagmamakaawa niya.
She left that house and ran away. She ran fast. Nagpabaling-baling siya kung saan-saan. Tumakbo nang tumakbo. Until she reached far enough. Until she saw the flickering lights. He’s no longer here. He’s no longer have a control over her mind nor her body. She was safe.
“Lila, di ako makakapasok. Ang lala ng dysmenorrhea ko.”
Tinawagan siya kanina ni Shane. At this point, she doesn’t know if her friend is lying or not. But she still made an excuse letter for her and passed it on Shane’s classmates. She also did the tasks for her. Buti na lang naintindihan naman ng kanilang librarian.
Lila doesn’t feel like going home yet. Kaya dumirecho siya sa quadrangle. It’s been a couple of weeks since she saw Ewan. After that night, she felt like an idiot. Doon niya lang na-realize ang ginawa niya. Nagpakain na naman siya sa kanyang emosyon.
Umupo siya sa ilalim ng puno. All the tables are either occupied by a group or a person. Ayaw niya ring maki-upo. She opened her notes and started writing. Sinimulan niya na ‘to kahapon.
“Burgers?”
She looked up and saw him. Naamoy niya ang nakakatakam na pagkain sa loob ng dala nitong plastic bags. Umupo ito sa tabi niya saka sumandal sa puno. Lila felt weird out. Ni walang bakas na galit o pagtatampo sa mukha nito. He’s still his usual self.
He handed her the burger. “Thanks...” she said.
Kumagat siya dito dahil hindi niya naman alam kung ano ang sasabihin. Are they okay? Are they still friends? She isn’t so sure of that.
“Oh!” Tumilapon sa harap nila ang frisbee na nilalaro ng iilang students sa di kalayuan. Ewan got up and throw it back at them. Bumalik ito sa pagkakaupo saka nagpatuloy sa pagkain.
“Nagre-review ka na para sa midterms?” tanong nito nang mapatingin sa kanyang ginagawa.
“Gumagawa lang ng reviewer. Mabuti nang sigurado.”
“Hindi ka ba napapagod?”
She shrugged. “Ayos lang naman.”
“Sabagay, kapag gusto mo ‘yong ginagawa mo, it won’t make you tired.”
She’s not sure of that. Lila took Language Studies not because she’s passionate about it. She always know what she doesn’t like but never what she really likes. Ngunit dahil nasa huling taon na siya, pinagbubutihan niya pa rin. Doon lang naman kasi siya magaling.
She took a glance at him. Napansin niya ang gagamba sa balikat nito. She whisked it away.
Gulat itong tumingin sa kanyang ginawa.
“May gagamba,” agad niyang sagot.
“Akala ko nananantsing ka eh.” He chuckled.
She rolled her eyes.
“Are we good?” he asked, suddenly.
Tumango siya. “Oo naman.”
It’s just her mind playing tricks on her. Wala namang ginawang masama si Ewan sa kanya. But there’s still part of her that wants to draw that line. And the other that wants to cross that boundary. But she doesn’t know if she’s going to be ready for what’s on the other side.
“Look at the sunset!” he exclaimed.
Lila looked up in the sky. “Wow...” Her lips parted witnessing the lilac and pink skies fighting for dominance. But the colors put together blended well like a canvass, a masterpiece. Both of them are in awe. Panandilian niyang nakalimutan ang mga tao sa paligid. Only the slow music from the falling leaves and the birds flying in unison. How beautiful it must be for them to get so close to the sky.
“Isn’t it spectacular? How every second, its hues and colors change?” He paused. “This is what makes life worth living.”
“I never really notice...” bulong niya.
Bahagya itong tumawa. “That’s because you’re always looking down.”
Napangiti siya nang mapagtanto iyon. “Oo nga. Ang dami naman kasing nangyayari.”
They feasted on the ever-changing skies. Di nagtagal ay sumakit ang kanyang leeg.
“Napansin mo rin ba na wala nang masyadong paru-paro sa paligid?”
He looked around. “Oo nga ‘no? I think it alos pays to look down on the ground as well.” Ngumiti ito sa kanya.
They stayed for awhile until it began to dark. Inayos niya ang mga gamit. Inaya niya nang umalis ang lalaki. They started walking together.
“Lila, pwede ba kitang ihatid sa inyo?” he blurted out.
She went silent.
“I take that as a no.”
“I’m sorry,” aniya.
He waved his hand. “There’s nothing to be sorry about.” He smiled and fished something out of his bag.
“Ito nga pala.” He handed her a velvety envelope with a golden lettering on the center.
“Birthday ni Jennie. Punta ka. Isama mo si Shane.”
Pumayag si Lila na ihatid siya hanggang sakayan ng jeep. But what she didn’t think is the distance between the quadrangle and the exit gate. Ewan started talking about comics, marvel and dc movies.
“Sino si Deadpool do’n? ‘Yong parang Spiderman?” tanong niya nang sinabi nitong ito ang character na paborito nito.
Nawala ang ngiti nito. “I’m quite disappointed.”
She tried to laugh. “Sorry... Sorry. Magkamukha kasi.”
Ilang sandali lang ay nasa labas na sila. Tanaw na nila ang linya ng mga jeep. It’s time to part ways.
“Ito na ‘yong sakayan ko. Alis na ‘ko,” paalam niya.
“Teka lang.” He took photos of the jeep.
“Ingat ka,” he added.
She pursed her lips. “Ikaw rin.” Tumalikod na siya ngunit narinig niya ulit ang tawag nito.
“Lila!”
“Oh?”
She waited for his answer.
“Be unapologetic,” he said.
Napatungo siya saka ngumiti. “I’ll remember that.”
Dinama niya ang hanging tumatama sa kanyang mukha sa bintana ng jeep. Masikip sa loob at mabaho ang exhaust ng sasakyan. But the cold wind oddly comforted her. She closed her eyes for a moment. It finally ended, she thought.
“Dzai, adto ha.” Shane called her at night.
“Titignan ko pa, Shane,” sagot niya.
Akala niya ay masakit ang puson nito pero mukhang bibo dahil sa birthday ni Jennie. Napailing na lang siya sa kaibigan kahit hindi nito nakikita.
“Unsa ka, pikas og nawng?” Shane laughed on the other side.
She rolled her eyes. “Oo na. Pupunta na. Bwiset.” Tumawa din siya. Marami pa itong pinagsasabi at oo na lang siya nang oo hanggang sa binaba nito.
Humilata siya sa higaan, iniisip kung pupunta ba talaga siya o hindi. It doesn’t really matter, she thought. But she found herself thinking about it over night.