My brother died twenty-two days ago. A lot has happened since I received that call in the middle of the night in my ex-boyfriend's Manhattan apartment, but nothing as unexpected and wonderful as Darren Reynolds wrapping his arms around me from behind in the kitchen one morning, the scent of bacon and coffee wafting through the house, kissing me on the back of the head, and then saying, ever so casually, like he had been doing it forever, "Love you," as he walked down the hall and out the front door to go to work.
Sadie stared at me with a shocked expression as I told her. We were at the cottage, picking up debris and tossing it in the large dumpster that was on the front lawn. We'd pile the fallen sheetrock and wood and nails into wheelbarrows and push them across the lawn to the dumpster. We were mid-push when Sadie had stopped about ten feet from the dumpster. "What?" she said.
"I nearly broke the plate I was washing when I dropped it," I said.
"Is that 'love you' like 'love you, man, you're a great friend' or 'love you' as in 'I'm helplessly and head over heels in love with you and I want to make sweet passionate love to you every night as I renovate this cottage for you'?"
"You watch too many romcoms." I pushed my wheelbarrow to the dumpster as Sadie followed behind me with her own.
"We all saw the painting on the wall in the nook. Or as Hector calls it, the scene of the crime."
"But we haven't really talked about it," I said. "Not really." I started tossing the debris into the dumpster opening above my head. "It's driving me crazy. How did it happen with you and Rita?"
"Lesbians are different."
"Come on!" I whined.
"How did we make it official? I had been sleeping at her place for like a week or so and when she was on the phone with her mom, she said, 'I have to go, my girlfriend's here.' I assumed she was talking about me."
"It can't be that simple."
"You're overthinking it." She tossed a dusty piece of wood and small white flakes rained down on her. She coughed and swatted it away with her hat.
"Did he say anything to you?" I asked. Then my phone started ringing. I removed my gloves and took the phone out of my pocket. It was Darren calling. "Hi, boss," I said when I answered the phone.
"Don't be kinky," Sadie said. I threw my glove at her.
"How's it going over there?" Darren asked on the phone.
I walked away from Sadie and the dumpster. "Why don't you come over and find out."
"Ewww," Sadie yelled behind me.
I turned and laughed at her and then continued to walk away from the dumpster with the phone in my hand. Some of the guys were at their trucks eating lunch in the distance.
"I'd love to," Darren said and I flinched at the word. There it was again. Love. "But I was hoping you'd come back to town. Billy said he could squeeze us in this afternoon."
"What's the rush?" I asked.
"Don't you want to get it over with?"
"I guess." I agreed to meet him at the lawyer's office later that afternoon. We hung up, but he didn't say it again. Love you. I tried to ignore my disappointment.
Sadie was on her way back to the cottage, pushing the two wheelbarrows with each hand. I raced to catch up and took mine from her.
"So are you official yet?" she asked.
"No. We're meeting at the lawyer's office in Windber after lunch."
"That sounds extreme."
"For the reading of the will. He's been out of town."
"Oh," was all she said. "If Darren says 'love you' again, are you going to say it back?"
We made it to the front door and then I realized I had left my gloves by the dumpster. "I'll be right back," I said and ran to get them.
"Don't avoid the subject!" she called after me.
We continued like that for another hour, trudging the demolition debris back and forth from the cottage to the dumpster, talking about my relationship––or non-relationship––issues. When it came time for lunch, even though we had been at it all morning, the dumpster still looked empty, a short layer of trash across the bottom. We ate sandwiches in the back of Sadie's truck and she told me about the early moments in her relationship with Rita, how they had cooked for each other almost every night for weeks, watched movies, and never went on a real date until after Rita's apartment was being fumigated.
Then I started the hour drive to Windber, thinking about Darren and where we stood. I knew it was early to be living together and co-parenting, but as he had said, it just felt right. Similar to Sadie's story, Darren and I had never been in public as a couple––if we even were a couple ye––-and so I wondered what this meeting with the lawyer would be like. Would Darren kiss me hello? Would he introduce me as his boyfriend? I knew I was setting myself up for disappointment, but once I imagined those things it was hard not to revel in the fantasy.
The lawyer's office was on the third floor of an old building downtown next to a pizza shop. I saw Darren's truck out front and parked Sadie's behind it. We had been carpooling to the cottage ever since Darren decided to let me stay on the project, so I had told Sadie I'd be back at the end of the day to get her, which meant I had a lot of driving ahead of me. I wanted the meeting to go as quickly as possible.
The woman at the front desk asked for my name and then guided me to the office. She informed me I was the first to arrive. Billy was a tall man, standing behind his monstrous mahogany desk with stacks of paper everywhere and multiple mugs, probably filled with old coffee. The room was navy with pictures of plants and large framed degrees.
"There he is," Billy said. "Ryan!" He came around the desk and shook my hand. He put his other hand on top of mine and stood close to my face. "I'm so sorry for your loss. And for the wait. Phil was a great guy." He held the pose for a moment and walked back to his spot behind the desk. He motioned for me to sit down. "He worked on my kitchen last June. Did a wonderful job."
"That was me!" Darren said as he entered. He sat in the chair next to mine.
"You know those two," Billy said to me. "Two peas in a pod."
"Darren said you were dealing with your own family issues?" I asked.
"My mother has Alzheimer's and my brother and his wife, down in Florida, were trying to do the in-house care thing for a while. I guess he felt it was his duty as the favorite child, his house is big enough after all. But, anyway, I had to go down and help them move her into a facility. She did not take it well, which delayed the trip."
"Oh, I'm sorry," I said.
"But Darren said you were fine to push it back."
"Of course. We've been busy ourselves with the business and the baby."
"Actually," Darren said, turning to me, "Can I talk to you for a second?"
Our first public appearance and he was already being awkward. "Let's just hear what Billy has to say. Sadie's waiting for me."
"Right. I know we're all anxious to get through this, so let's just jump in." Billy was still towering over both of us when he finally sat down in his chair. "It's pretty straight forward," he said. "There are a few assets of Theresa's from before the marriage that will go to her mother, Linda." He handed me a file. "Listed there. As the co-owner of the business, Darren will take majority ownership of Baker Brothers and the house, you'll see there. And then there's the matter of..."
"Wait," I said, confused. "He left the house to Darren?" I turned to Darren, who wouldn't look at me. I was starting to get a strange feeling in my gut. Maybe it was more than new-boyfriend weirdness.
"Yes, both the house and the properties associated with the business will be under Darren's name."
"But I still own 10% of the business?" I asked.
"Yes," Billy said again. "You are still a silent partner based on your original investment in the business. But I have the paperwork here, let me look for it." He shuffled some papers around until he found what he was looking for and handed it to me. "Ah, here you go. Darren is offering to buy you out. He said you live in New York..."
I was stunned. "Do you have anything to say?" I asked, turning to Darren. He was only three feet away in the chair next to me, but it felt like a mile. He was no longer the same person who had kissed me goodbye this morning.
"Ryan..." he said, his green eyes wide and concerned.
"I'm sorry," Billy interrupted. "I was under the impression that this was just a formality, that you had already discussed it with both Darren and your brother."
"You knew?" I asked Darren.
"Billy is my lawyer, too," Darren said. "Phil and I did this together years ago. You were living in New York, he never thought that you would want any of this."
"Isn't that a conflict of interest?" I asked Billy. "How can you represent them both?"
"I represent almost half of the people in this town," Billy offered. "I'm sorry this is such a shock to you. We can reschedule so you can discuss the details of the buyout with your own lawyer and go over the paperwork another time."
"No," I said.
"Ryan..." Darren tried to intervene, but I wouldn't let him.
"No, you said there's more. I want to hear all of it. What about Noah?" The two men exchanged glances and I immediately knew. My heart sank into my stomach and it felt like an iron ball that would pull me through the chair and then the floor and the next and the next until I was drowning in the mud below the building, no one to hear my muffled cries. I was sweating with anger. "Tell me! What about Noah? I want to hear you say it."
Billy took a breath and then very softly said, "Darren has been named as Noah's guardian according to the will signed by both Phil and Theresa Baker."
I ran out of the office before he could finish, if he had anything left to say. I couldn't be there another second. I couldn't look at that giant or his plant photos or Darren's face covered in shame. I ran past the secretary, the papers I had been holding flying behind me, and down the stairs, too impatient to wait for the elevator. I fumbled for the keys at Sadie's truck, but I couldn't see, the tears I had been fighting started blurring my vision.
"Ryan!" Darren called. He was at the door of the building and came rushing towards me, just as out of breath as I was. "Wait a second. Let me explain. He wrote that will years ago."
"You knew, Darren," I said. "You knew this whole time!"
"What does it matter now?" he said. "We're together. We'll raise Noah together." He paused. "I love you."
I couldn't look at him. The memories of the past eighteen days flooded my mind, crashing in distorted waves. He knew when he hugged me on that first day in Windber. He knew under the sprinklers and in our underwear. He knew every time I tucked Noah into bed or made him pancakes. He knew when I offered to help with the business and when I broke up with Charlie. He knew when he kissed me and when he made love to me. Every day. He knew.
I fumbled with the keys again and then dropped them. Darren reached for them on the sidewalk, but I screamed. "Don't!" I said. "Don't! I'll do it myself." I jumped into the truck, Darren calling my name over and over, and sped away, the tires screeching against the pavement. I didn't know where I was going, but I wiped my eyes and pressed on the pedal. If I wasn't Noah's guardian, who was I?